#obgaveme

When I started watching Orphan Black, I was a scared little eighth grader (I know I’m a child) with no idea who she was. I had a bad relationship with my parents, bad relationship with my friends, and a bad relationship with the world around me. I was super into Doctor Who, so I encountered the series on BBC America after the DW S7 premiere. 

At the end of the hour, I was immediately in awe. I pretty much dropped Doctor Who, another show that had done a lot for me, out of my life, focusing entirely on Orphan Black. I cosplayed as Helena by painting my hair for Gallifrey One 2014, went to both Comic Con meetups, waited 9 hours in line for the Nerd HQ 2014 panel (worth it when Tatiana pointed out my costume in the audience,) and even tried to go to the NYC premiere (to no avail. I live in Los Angeles. A girl can dream.) 

I was obsessed. This show became my life.

Why?

Well, for starters, I felt empowered. Orphan Black came as a ray of hope, a technicolor beauty in the expanse of poorly-written, Hollywood-catered, male-driven action/sci-fi series. It tells a different story for every person who watched it; it shows so many different sides of not only the female but the human experience. I became empowered to tell my story, to make a mark on the world, to exist beyond passivity, to scream and yell and fuck shit up but fix things and take care of each other and fight every day for the best possible world because that’s what the women on Orphan Black do. 

I felt heard. When I showed up at Comic Con after S2′s Rachel Duncan eye-stabbing incident with a Neolution eye and somehow, by some stroke of luck, ran into John and Graeme on the floor, the eye ended up in S3. From #AskOB to fan panels to cast appearances at meet-ups, the cast and creators and whole team behind Orphan Black has always been there for the fans. Clone Club isn’t just the fans; it’s everyone, the whole family that has snowballed through these insane five years together. I feel like I am a part of something special, and I know how unique this feeling is. 

I felt important. I struggled with my sexuality for ? 4 years ? which is not a long time in retrospect, but as a 14-year-old, that was a large portion of my life spent feeling less-than because I didn’t know who I was. Seeing characters like Cosima and Delphine be so free and unapologetic just being themselves made me feel like I was deserving of the same amount of self-love regardless of whom I loved. I actually wrote college and other admissions essays about Orphan Black and Cosima. Here’s an excerpt:

“My favorite TV show in the world is called Orphan Black. It is a show about clones. It is a show about science. It is a show about culture. But, most of all, it is a show about individuality...One refreshing part about Orphan Black is its absolutely diverse range of female leads. [The clones range from a punk rock mother who is drifting in life but has her bravery to guide her to a suburban soccer mom who relies on the fragility of the cardboard cutouts around her in order to knock them down, to a brilliant scientist who is misguided by love but overcomes it and stays herself.] I had never been exposed to this amount of female power in television in my life. The fact that a woman could be both punk rock and terrifying but also a fiercely protective, kind-hearted mother was new to me. The fact that a woman could be an intelligent, successful scientist and fight terminal illness and still be in love was inspiring to me. Orphan Black not only changed my standards for television, but it helped me realize that there wasn’t a cookie cutter for the type of person I had to be. As cheesy and superficial as that sounds, the prospect of a future of a multi-faceted personality was absolutely necessary for me at that time. Just before I started high school, I realized I was/am queer. Cosima, the scientist on Orphan Black, is also queer, and she became an important role model for me. I can be smart and queer. I can be kind and queer. I can be successful and queer. LGBTQ+ issues and identities were never really discussed with me until I reached high school; most of the knowledge I have about sexuality, gender, and sex is all self-taught. I’m not going to say that Orphan Black made me realize that I was not heterosexual, but it helped me feel more comfortable and, for the first time in a while, feel truly proud to be myself. As Cosima so concisely states, “My sexuality is not the most interesting thing about me.” This small Canadian TV show helped shape my identity in so many ways. It helped open my world beyond my stable yet invariable small town. It helped me to immerse myself in a completely different environment which, while fictional, engaged me enough to shape my identity and help me discover myself in absolutely incredible and life-changing ways.”

I felt curious. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to engage in the world around me. Orphan Black helped me find a lot of my passions—from epigenetics to costuming to fashion to writing—and pursue them without fear. Orphan Black shows people doing what they love without hesitation or even a consideration of failure. When you stop being afraid of failure, failure stops existing. 

I felt loved. I spent most of my life feeling lost. My family environment has never really been a safe one, but Orphan Black really helped me connect with my dad. We would get Thai food every week and watch the show together without worrying about my parent’s divorce or my suicidal tendencies or our worsening financial situation. It was our hour and a half of peace and connection, and we really bonded in that time. My dad took me to every meet-up and every con, waited with me for the panel, was there by my side the whole time. In fact, if you met me at a con or meet-up, you probably met my dad.

My dad died nearly two years ago. It was sudden and unexpected, and OB was so integral to our relationship that I wasn’t even sure if I would be able to watch it without him. Well, I did, and I’m so, so glad I did. The support and love I always found through clone club and Orphan Black, whether intentional or unintentional, was more than I ever could have dream of. Clone club is a family I can always count on whether mine is shitty or broken or fighting or not talking or half the size it’s supposed to be.

When you feel loved, it’s a lot easier to love the world around you. Orphan Black always made me feel loved. Orphan Black is responsible for my reignited passion for life.

We make a family. We really do. And I’m so, so grateful to have found a place here.