Clearly Iām still on your mind.
So itās fine lie to yourself.
Iām used to it your reality is only real in your head.
We donāt care about the facts.
Remember you didnāt want to be considerate anymore.
You wanted control as I said time after time.
You wanted to play games and keep spewing lies.
But letās be real for a second you lost me in November.
I was only holding on to my dog.
The ember of our fire was gone. Nothing more we could do for each other.
And I realized last month that you were still trying to show me you cared.
But our love languages different. You showed me you didnāt care.
You can buy me whatever it wonāt ever mean shit to me.
Cause before you and after you this dick was never free.
So tell yourself all these lies. That I lied and Iām lame. I mislead you and made false promises.
But letās not forget you drove me insane.
If you screamed how you hated me and you canāt til the lease is up on Wednesday. Whatever I said on Monday is gone.
Everytime you got mad that was your response.
Make it make sense. What did you want from me?
I stopped wasting my time on someone who was begging to leave.
The reality of the situation is Iām not only a realist, Iām one of the realest. So it donāt matter what I did Iām not going hide it. But if youāre only believing your half truths let me remind you.
Told me you were dating in December ābecause you were hungryā. So if I wasnāt done in December that definitely lost me. I old you from the start I donāt share whatās mine. If you wanna give them attention then I guess itās good bye.
February I asked for a kiss and then you made it a problem. How you knew I was going to ask and it had your group chat popping. Embarrassing. I never asked again. You liked to play in my face so you could laugh with your friends. Thatās cool though it was what it was.
Or how about in may when you didnāt know what you wanted to do for your birthday. I told you Iād plan something if you wanted but you never said okay. And then when you made plans I was forgotten. Again you showed me that I wasnāt wanted. My depression got worse I was already suicidal. But that was the last straw and I started planning. Did you know? I planned on driving my car in a body a water. So when you went to the beach youād think of me. Know I was still holding you while you floated at sea? Did you know I selected my locations and all. Chesapeake bay bridge, or the inner harbor.
Thankfully my yearly check up was pushed back 3 times. I was supposed to go in March. I told her about my depression and she offered my antidepressants back.
That same day I text you and let you know. And I let you know. That eventually ima start acting weird and I would need your help. But you didnāt care. I asked can I let you know when I take my medicine so that I could remember but also so you would know where I was mentally. And then I told you I kept forgetting to take my medicine and I felt off. Thatās when you started making everything worse.
In all honesty I was going through a mental breakdown and you took my support dog. I love autumn but melly made me get up. Melly made me play with her. She made me go outside for longer than 5 minutes. She was helping me through my depression and you just wanted control, so you took my dog.
I know I was wrong. So donāt think I escape any blame. But my thing was I wasnāt playing any games. You said you didnāt love me. You said you were dating. I just had my dogs. But I was happy. My heart was broken but felt full with them. And then you snatched half of it away. Im crying as I type this reliving that pain.
I just wanted my dog and it drove me insane. And you made it seem like I couldnāt see her anymore because you had a new thing. The thoughtās overwhelmed my brain. Somebody playing with my dog while I went insane. But in reality it was the medicine creating mania in my brain. More intense than the norm, lasting longer too. Usually Iām bipolar 1, but suddenly I was bipolar 2. Mania last from august until the end of September. That week Iāll probably always remember.
I was trying to get help but my schedule was crazy. So I made an appointment for a Sunday to speak with the lady. But she came 30 minutes late. And we only had half of a session. So she didnāt feel comfortable prescribing me a prescription. We scheduled for Wednesday to finish the eval. But Tuesday I read something that drove me crazy. I told you I wish you waited one more day. But it happened and itās over and things will never be the same. So I see you and hear you but do you feel my pain?
