#nushk1e

Some of my favourite brand of shoes would be Mary Janes, Doc Martens, and Converse. They were my first ever ambitions in life- to own those black heels from Mary Janes; those loafers from Doc Martens; and the famous blue sneakers of Converse. I never imagined I could ask my parents for them because I cared too much about their money. Another one of my ambitions would be learning ballet, but I couldn’t do that either because I cared too much about my parent’s money- I felt as if telling them my ambitions would put unnecessary pressure on them. These are things I want to achieve on my own in life- I don’t want to drink alcohol ever because I want to be different, I never cuss people out because I want to be different, my ambitions work in the opposite direction because I want to be different; I want to have ambitions that will astonish people. That is my privilege.

I never talk about this life-altering experience of mine, so I end up filling my diaries with it. It’s something that lingers on my mind even now, and makes me realise it hasn’t really been that long. I’ve spent thirteen years with my mother and four without, but it feels the other way around. Did I ever have a mother? I don’t even remember how she looked, or sounded, or felt. I didn’t realise it- but I was quite young when my mother died. Drowned in anime, 13-year-old me never thought death would come so close to her- because she’s the main character of her life and nothing bad ever happens to the main character. Maybe I didn’t watch enough anime.