#number 134

Chapter 35

“You have five minutes.”

When Robbe first saw Sander’s message, he was already on his phone, scrolling though an Instagram, drinking tea and it was so unexpected, he spilled it all over his shirt.

But didn’t even feel the liquid burning his skin, too nervous to notice it.

He opened it instantly. It was a location to the park they first meet each other and he could hear Sander’s words in his ears “take it or leave it” so he got ready as fast as he possibly could and decided to took his chance.

He was way too excited to notice how he had no idea what to expect or what to say when he’d got there, Robbe was way too emotional to think about anything else but seeing Sander again after weeks of not having any connection to him, of not hearing his voice.

And he was right, he really didn’t know what to say or do.

As soon as he noticed him, leaning against one of the trees, looking on his way, Robbe is sure he stopped and started breathing at the same time, he has no idea how that happened or if it was possible but that’s how he felt.

He was looking so amazing and handsome, Robbe couldn’t take his eyes off of him, and he didn’t have to.

They were standing in front of each other but still so far away from Robbe’s liking.

Robbe stopped.

He stopped doing anything, he just stood there, and stared. Trying to drink the sight of him, and he didn’t realize how much he actually missed him until that very moment.

And Sander didn’t do anything too. He was waiting.

And after a while he shook his head and started turning around and when Robbe saw it, his eyes for wide and terrified and that was Robbe’s clue to finally start talkng.

“I’m sorry.”

He couldn’t believe Sander was actually standing there, just out of reach, a few steps ahead of him. Robbe imagined this conversation a lot of times, and he knew exactly what he had to say and how, but now, all of them were thrown out of the window, completely forgotten.

“I’m truly so sorry. I know I fucked up. I know and you have no idea how much I want to change this but I can’t. I only can apologize and hope that you will accept it.” Sander’s face was blank, not a single emotion could be see on it and Robbe realized that this was Sander’s ‘I don’t care about anything’ mask, the one he always had on while they started talking at first but Robbe has never seen it unfold in real life. He gulped and looked down, felt very vulnerable under his gaze.

“I know I hurt you and you have to know and believe I never wanted that. Everything I did was because I had to, and I, personally was totally against it but I couldn’t do anything. I will never be able to forgive myself but I need your forgiveness. Please don’t - “ he couldn’t finish what he was trying to say.

He didn’t know what he wanted to say.

Don’t what?

Don’t leave me?

Don’t hurt me?

Don’t walk away from me?

Don’t forget me?

He has no idea.

They stood there, in silence, Robbe feeling like he needed to add something, say everything he wanted so he could get them off of his chest but couldn’t.

And Sander. For the first time in ever, he didn’t know what Sander was feeling, couldn’t even guess, didn’t have any clue.

Robbe could hear his heart pounding in his whole body, and when Sander nodded his head, his legs started shaking.

“Okay.” He said.

Robbe threw him a confused look but couldn’t deny the feelings he felt after hearing his voice again.

“I heard you. You can go now.” And Robbe’s heart dropped on the floor, he felt like people started running all over it, broke them into a thousands of pieces and he knew, he’d never be able to pick all of them up, ever again.

Robbe stood there still, didn’t dare to move and neither did Sander.

He wanted to ask so many questions, but he couldn’t trust his voice, knew it would betray him no matter what, not that he was trying to stay strong, it was obvious that Sander’s words crushed him.

“Y-you want me to j-just go?” He mumbled, his eyes starting to get wet.

He shouldn’t have expected anything more than this, he didn’t know why he got his hopes up when he got the text, but he still hoped that Sander was bringing him here so they could talk and sort this whole situation out, but Robbe was clearly very wrong.

Sander didn’t want to be with him or to forgive him.

“Yes. I heard what you had to say and now you can go on your way.” Sander’s stern voice made him look down on his shoes and after a few minutes of them standing like this, Robbe realized that Sander was waiting for him to disappear and hesitantly turned away and started walking.

He didn’t even have to hide anything anymore so he freely let his tears fall down on his cheeks, walking slowly but heavily.

Sander didn’t forgive him.

They were completely over now, no chance of having any kind of contact with him and that thought alone made him feel so lonely and upset, he tried not to break down right there.

He has a weird habit of breaking down in the streets, outside.

Until now, he still had some hopes deep, hidden in his heart, but now all of them were shattered away, like his heart was.

He was so sure that they were meant to be together, sooner or later they would find their way back to each other but all of this must have been a lie too.

A cruel universe was pulling a very horrible joke on him and and he tripped and fell for it.

Fell down so hard, he knew he would never get up on his feet.

He was already very far away and almost out of the park when he felt a hand on his arm and somebody made him turn around.

He couldn’t see well because of the tears in his eyes but he knew who it was, and when he felt cold hands on his waist, he completely broke down.

“You - you - piece of shit - how did - you didn’t have to - I can’t believe you - you “ he couldn’t proper perform a proper sentence because of his weeping, his voice and whole body started shaking.

The boy put his fingers on his cheeks and wiped away all the tears but it was no use, new ones started falling down instantly, and put him close to his chest, with a right hand tangled in Robbe’s hair and the left one on his back now, whispering “I didn’t mean to make you cry” softly in his ear, kissing his forehead.

And the next thing Robbe felt was Sander’s lips on his own and that’s when his whole body got woken up, he put his hands on his jacket, clutching the fabric, never wanted to let go, trying his best to put his self closer to him.

And he has never felt this way before, he felt the hair on his skin stood up, the electricity going up and down.

His eyes were closed and he couldn’t see Sander there but he could feel him, everywhere.

Robbe knew that he was here and he was with him.

And when they pulled away, Robbe didn’t control his needs anymore and hugged him so tightly, he was afraid of Sander not breathing properly.

And words weren’t needed anymore.

They would come later, but now, the most important thing was that they were together, close and Robbe is sure, he will never let go.

* * *

And the whole night, that’s exactly what he did.

They sat down on the same bench, when they first met, and they talked.

Talked for hours.

And Robbe hasn’t let his hands go for any second while they were there. He was constantly playing with his fingers, rings, kissing it or caressing black drawings which were seen under the jacket and on the skin, the fabric wasn’t covering, on his wrists.

Robbe knew he was acting way too clingy but he couldn’t help it and he also thinks Sander didn’t mind it at all.

Robbe playfully hit his chest after he calmed down a few times. For scaring him like crazy and for what kind of trick and revenge he pulled on him just a few hours ago. And when Robbe heard Sander’s laugh again for the first time, in what it seemed like forever, he knew, he’d never let go off of him.

And when the clock hit twelve and it got too late, Robbe, clinging and hugging to Sander’s left side, having their hands entwined and his legs over him, went closer to his ear, scared, still thinking all of this would be a dream, whispered his name.

“Yeah? I’m listening.” Sander said, looking deeply in his eyes, one of his hand in his hair and other on his thigh.

Robbe didn’t say anything else for a while, thinking back to the first night they spent together.

He said his name again but this time he added: “Will you let me stay with you tonight?”

Sander smiled at him and kissed him and put their foreheads together, whispered against his face: “In this universe, I will.”

Prompt; ”Was I really that drunk?”

Pair: Kyungsoo / Female reader

Genre: Mostly fluff | Little bit of miscommunication angst

Word count: 1447 

Masterlist | Writing challenge masterlist

Source

You groaned as you woke up, not even trying to open your eyes as you knew the light would only enhance the awful headache that was pounding just above your eyes. A pitiful whine left your mouth as you failed to go back to sleep which meant you now had to think about getting out of bed.

A wave of nausea hit you as you moved to sit up and you quickly fell back down on the bed, squeezing your eyes shut, hoping the room would stop spinning soon.

You made a mental note to never go drinking with the boys again. Especially when Baekhyun was in the mood to go crazy. Your best friend really had a knack for riling you up. Kyungsoo had been right in telling you to slow down, though you hadn’t listened. You would never admit to him being right though, he would be too smug.

As the nausea faded you finally gathered courage to open your eyes. The first thing you noticed was that it definitely wasn’t your room but as you looked around you realized you were just at the dorms in Kyungsoo’s room. You blushed and burrowed further into the pillow. You had never been in his bed before, he rarely let anyone into his room. Though he was hard to get close to at first, you had found yourself falling for the soft-hearted boy – not that you would ever tell him. You were completely fine just being friends, knowing he took his job very seriously and would put that first.

Chapter 21

May 16. 21:05

“I don’t want to talk about this.” Robbe said for the millionth of time today even if he knew it wouldn’t mean anything, but he desperately said it again and again.

“Well, I want to talk about it so that’s what we’re going to do.” Robbe rolled his eyes and started walking towards the kitchen, already done with this argument.

He heard Sebastian’s footsteps following him and sighed.

The past few days have been very hard on him, he hasn’t heard anything from Sander and he knew, he wouldn’t, not until he made up his mind and told him what he wanted, but every time he’d get a notification, his heart would start hoping it was from him, only to get disappointed.

And he wanted to call him, or text him, or do anything that would mean being with him, choosing him, but he was terrified.

Sander was too good, too pure and somebody Robbe would never deserve no matter how much he tried. And he’s also not good with changes in his life.

What he has now, with Sebastian, it’s not great but it’s familiar, and it’s the best he can ask from life.

And Sebastian always reminds him of that too, so by now, Robbe is used to feeling thankful for what he has, and afraid to lose it. That’s mostly the reason why his countless break up missions failed. A lot of times, he didn’t have the guts to do it properly and other times, Sebastian made his mind turn upside down.

By now, he knew a cute date, or kisses or cuddles would only come after a very serious fight, not for any other occasion.

If they didn’t fight all the time, he’s sure, they would never touch each other.

He has no idea how they got here, since at first, everything seemed to be great, their relationship was amazing but now, Robbe could barely call it, whatever they had, a relationship.

“Don’t walk away from me.” The way Robbe was so exhausted from all this. He has no idea why he thought that coming here today would be a good idea. He probably wanted to check, for the last time.

Check if it was real, if Sebastian’s and his relationship was really that bad, but oh how much he regrets that decision now.

“How did you not tell me?” Robbe could hear on the which level of angry, Sebastian was getting by the tone of his voice and it seemed like the things would get ugly pretty soon.

“I didn’t know he’d be there and I told you why. He acted like he didn’t know me because Noor doesn’t know and what could I do? Say ‘no, we already know each other?’” It’s been already forty minutes since they started talking about this.

This, meaning Sebastian reading the messages between Sander and him which took place the next day after their accidentally meeting at the bar. Luckily, Robbe feared this would happen so he deleted the last messages between them but not all of it, so after Sebastian found out, quoting “he was that Sander and you said nothing?” there they were.

“As if I’d believe that. You tried to hide it from me and I just want to know why.”

This calm facade he had going on was even scarier than his yelling and Robbe knew, he wouldn’t leave it alone, no matter what he told him.

“I told you why I did it.”

“So you’re telling me there wasn’t any more reason?” Robbe looked at the clock, hoping that his mom or anybody else would call him so he could lie about something happening and go home, but of course, he didn’t have any luck and the universe hated him, his phone has been silent all day long, nobody needed him or wanted to help him out.

He knew Sebastian wouldn’t let him go out of his house right now, and not until he got what he wanted, or not until he got tired of fighting, and it wouldn’t happen anytime soon since he just started, he was only getting warmed up.

“No, as I said already, there isn’t any different reason.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and scoffed at him.

“I know you’re fucking him.” Robbe gripped the cup he was holding, starting to get mad but he knew it was important to stay calm and stable.

“I’m not doing anything.” He can’t ever remember how many times he has already heard all this and how he already knew each word that would leave his mouth next.

“So you’re telling me, all those texting and meeting up, ignoring me, didn’t mean anything? How much of a fool do you think I am, huh? If you’re not hiding anything , then why don’t you want to tell me the truth?”

“I’m telling the truth.” The desperation in his voice was already visible. He wished to end this already, he wished to go home.

He wished to be with Sander.

“Can we stop now, please?”

Can we stop forever?

“No. I just know you’re lying. How many times should you hide it? Just please tell me the truth, I won’t get mad, I promise. I just want to know.”

It makes Robbe’s head spin when he does all those moods swings on him, makes him think that all of the problems are in his head.

Sebastian usually doesn’t say the word “please.”

“I’m telling the truth, please just, believe me okay? I don’t have anything with him, I already told you.”

No matter how much I want to have something with him, I don’t.

“It’s all his fault, he came in and messed up your head.”

Robbe thought that too, for a very long time.

But as time went on, he realized a lot of stuff. It wasn’t Sander destroying their relationship;

It was Robbe opening up about his crush on Jens to him and Sebastian getting freaked out when Robbe’d say that he’d go out with his friends, complaining to him how they would never get to hang out that much, making Robbe feel guilty and in the end, making him ditch his friends for him without even realizing it.

It was ironic laughter after telling him about what his mom has been talking about while she didn’t feel good, making him feel horrible about sharing that fact.

It was “not even your parents wanted you” after one of their first intense fight, which in the end got sorted out with two movie tickets and one pathetic apology.

It was creating a problem out of nothing.

It was making him feel like a horrible person after getting accepted in his dream university just because it was a little bit far away from where Sebastian was studying.

It was getting mad about every little detail that’d go wrong.

It was “sometimes I understand why you father left you.”

It was making fun of his studies and not giving him any chance to work.

It was laughing at him for still skating with his friends on his free time, telling him how he was acting like a toddler.

It was “you don’t deserve good things in life and when something good happens, you’re not even thankful.”

And then Sander happened, and Sebastian didn’t even need to find a reason to fight, it was already there. No matter what the argument would start about, it would always end with Sander.

At first, it wasn’t anything drastic.

It was Sebastian pressuring Robbe into telling him all about this new client he had, claiming he was just curious and wanted to know what his boyfriend was doing, making Robbe tell him about Sander and his file, which Sebastian read without his permission after finding out that it existed.

It was him asking Robbe uncomfortable and personal questions about Sander that he didn’t want to share, creating arguments from it, getting mad that Robbe wasn’t trusting him with this.

And when Sander ended the contract and they started meeting up, it was hell for Robbe. Sebastian would tell him everyday how he hated that they were seeing each other and how it wasn’t his “job” to take care of Sander anymore.

Robbe guesses that’s when he started to get more paranoid about Robbe and Sander meeting up, afraid that something more between them was going on.

One time Sebastian even went so far that Robbe didn’t talk to him for the whole week, already ready to end it all, only for Sebastian to feed him more lies, promise him it wouldn’t happen again, telling him that sometimes he just snaps and he just doesn’t want to lose Robbe: “it’s alright, you can have fun all you want, he will try to kill his self sooner or later again and will succeed in it and you won’t have to worry about him anymore.”

And Sander.

He’s everything and so much more Robbe could ask for, but he knows, he will only hurt him, he will never be enough and he can’t drag him in his shit.

Sander is too good, too amazing, too perfect. And he’s not being fair to him, he knows but he can’t help it.

When they are together, he feels calm, like nothing bad will happen and he feels happy to finally talk to somebody who just understands him, knows what he’s feeling, knows who he is and what he wants. He almost texted him four times, but didn’t know what to say.

I’m yours, have me.

I’m only happy when I’m with you.

Will you take me as I am?

Please forgive me for everything, I can’t seem to stop hurting you and it’s killing me, but staying away also hurts, I don’t know what I want but I know I want you.

“No, it wasn’t his fault.” Robbe whispered, hoping that the other boy didn’t hear him but it was too late.

“What did you say? Are you defending him?”

“No, I’m just saying that we already had some problems.” With a sudden rush of confidence, he dared to say it and look him in the eyes.

There was something that run on Sebastian’s face for a second but Robbe couldn’t figure out what it meant.

“Problems? What are you saying?” He took a step and Robbe wished he wasn’t leaning on the counter so he could take a step back.

Next, he felt his hands on his cheeks, his face close, making him obligated to look up. “Hey, I know I sometimes can be aggressive and maybe even raise my voice but you know that I love you so much right? And they don’t mean anything, I just lost control. I know I shouldn’t but it’s who I am. I’m sorry, okay? It’s me who you should be with and only me.” Robbe could hear the hidden meaning behind his words now, for the first time in ever, he just heard it instead of realizing it later. “It’s me who you deserve.”

He got sick feeling down in his stomach and his mind filled with how much he wanted to be with his favorite person in this world, right now, he spoke up: “I want to break up.”

“What?” Robbe took his hands in his own and put them away from his face, took a step so he was out of the way and put some distance between them.

He cleared his throat, took a breath and repeated.

And just as he expected, the storm came crushing down, the flames went out and he had to close his eyes and wince from the howl he heard coming from the boy in front of him.

“For him? You want to break up with me for him?”

“N-n-no. I just want it for myself.” How he wished his phone to call right now.

“For yourself? Are you even listening to yourself?”

Robbe was and he was surprised and terrified.

“I want to go.” Robbe mumbled and tried to walk pass him but got held by a hand on his way out.

“Didn’t I tell you not to walk away from me?”

That tone still sent shivers all over his body in a very bad and unpleasant way and he wanted to say “I’m not afraid of your voice anymore” but he couldn’t, since he was afraid and both of them knew that.

And it’s not like he’s afraid of anything really, it’s not like Sebastian has ever touched him physically, but Robbe hated this aura around them when he gets mad so he always tried to make him win arguments so he won’t lose control, so he won’t yell, so they would act like they we’re happy.

And somehow Robbe being tired of arguments and making Sebastian win and agreeing with him, turned into all of their conversations ending with Robbe saying yes to whatever Sebastian wanted just so they wouldn’t have any more problems than they already did and Robbe has no idea how only Sander could make him realize that.

He probably knew, deep down knew how wrong it was but hoped it was a lie, hoped that this relationship could work out in the end but it never did and it never will. Specially not now, when Robbe finally saw that he wasn’t worth it, that Sander was willing to show him how special he was and no matter how crazy and unreal it sounded, he wanted to give it a shot. He just wanted to get out of here.

“I don’t want to be with you, why can’t you understand that?” He tried to make him let go of his hand but didn’t have any success.

“I want to know the reason.” Sebastian raised his voice and finally Robbe had enough and he screamed too.

“Because I don’t love you.” The boy still didn’t back off.

“You love him don’t you?” He pronounced the word “him” with so much hate that it was all it took for Robbe to burst out and yell out “yes” on top of his lungs which made the boy lose his grip on him and Robbe took the chance to start walking away. Only for Sebastian to go after him.

“I knew it. All those times you were with him, of course, and you’re making me seem like I’m the responsible for this. How many times have you slept with him then?”

He has been following him around when Robbe went back to the living room, looking for his phone and taking it in his hand, then going back to the hallway to take his jacket.

“Where do you think you’re going? You’re not going anywhere, I’m not done yet.”

He caught up with him and was about to grip his arm again to make him stop that

Robbe spun around, his fingers on the door handle.

“I’m done.” Looked him up and down for the last time, opened the door and walked out.

He could hear horrible screaming from the house, a few of them being a very loud “fine, go, see if I care,” “yeah go to him, he will get bored of you too eventually,” “if you think that you deserve any bit of a happiness you’re wrong,” “fuck you” and of course “go fuck yourself.”

As soon as he was outside, he ran.

Not daring to look back, afraid that he’d still follow him, watch his every move, control him.

And he ran until his legs couldn’t handle anymore, until his knees started shaking and when he finally thought that he was free, he fell.

Trying to calm down, trying to realize what he did and trying to see that he did the right thing. And when it was obvious that he couldn’t relax or calm down, he reached out to the person he needed the most right now.

He couldn’t see straight, the whole screen was blurry when he turn on his phone and tried to text him. Fortunately, Sander responded quickly.

And when Robbe saw his message, he breathed out.

May 16. 23:49

Sander didn’t know what to expect when he got to the address Robbe sent him, but finding the brunet on his knees, in the middle of the street, breathless with his head in his hands, rocking front to back, definitely wasn’t it.

He got scared as soon as he caught the glimpse of him, stopped the car, but didn’t care enough to turn it off, the light coming from the car lighting the whole street and road. There was nobody in sight, just Robbe, paralyzed and numb from this world, who didn’t even notice Sander got there.

When Robbe sent that he didn’t know where he was but he’d send the address using his map, Sander got more worried and he wasn’t able to breath normally until he saw him, but now, looking at him when he finally got here, he knew he wouldn’t be able to calm down anyways.

He run to him, didn’t even care to close the door, kneeled down next to him, getting his trousers dirty.

He didn’t know if he should touch him, or what to say, what to do.

“Robbe.” He whispered but when he realized that the boy didn’t hear him, he repeated himself.

Robbe looked up to him so fast, Sander heard his neck crack, looking at him like he was imagining, hallucinating Sander there, didn’t say anything to him.

It was dark but Sander’s car light was helping him to see how wet Robbe’s eyes and cheeks were and he could hear how hard it was for him to take a breath.

“Hey, I don’t know what to do.” Sander mumbled, trying to catch his attention so he’d focus on him.

“Tell me what to do.” He could see Robbe processing his words and after a while of silence, he whispered something, looking away from him, staring at the darkness around them.

“I couldn’t hear what you said. Can you repeat it for me?” He tried to act like him, think about what Robbe’d do or say if the situation was reversed.

When Robbe still stayed silent, Sander decided that he had to take matters into his hands now.

“Come on, Robbe.” He got close to him, their legs touching each other.

“Tell me what to do. I want to help but I have no idea how. Just tell me.”

“C-can you just - “ Robbe started.

“Yeah, tell me. Use your words, angel.”

He felt a horrible feeling down to his stomach while looking at him like this, unable to do anything, unable to take his pain away.

“Just stay with me.” He finally mumbled and Sander nodded his head, his heart melting.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Sander could see that Robbe wanted to say more but didn’t, something was holding him back.

“What do you want? What do you need?”

The boy was still hesitant, but after a while he shook his head and started talking.

“I want you to hold me.” He became quiet but then looked at him in the eyes.

“I need you to hold me, please just hold me close.”

Hold me close and never let me go.

And Sander wasted no time, he put his arms around him and made him turn around, put him in his arms, against his chest. And when he felt soft and cold hands, gripping his shirt, he smiled weakly, sadly.

And then the tears came. Robbe started weeping and all Sander could do was to tight his embrace around him, and whisper “I’m here” all over again in his ear.

And they stayed like this for a long time, with Sander touching his back up and down, putting him closer and closer and Robbe clinging to him like his life depended on it, and maybe it really did. A few cars passed by but they didn’t care. The cars had to go all the way around them and Sander’s open car doo so they wouldn’t hit them but neither of them moved a muscle.

And when Robbe finally calmed down, Sander dared to ask “Did something horrible happen?” with his lips in his hair, his legs and hands all around him.

Robbe looked up to him, their faces so close to each other and whispered “No, something good happened” and after seeing Sander’s confused face, he added “I’m just overwhelmed, and happy you’re here.”

“I’m here and I plan to stay with you. How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.” He chuckled humorously.

“Alright. That’s okay. Can you stand?” Robbe nodded his head and Sander helped him up on his feet, took his hand.

“Let’s go.” Robbe looked up at him weirdly.

“Where?”

“You can’t possibly think I’m leaving you alone right now. Come.” Took his hand and made him walk over to the car, helping him, not letting go for even a second, sat him down on the passenger seat and even put the belt on him, then walked over to the other side and started the car.

For the whole ride he hasn’t taken his eyes off of him, would throw glances at him, checking how he was doing, while Robbe looked out of the window, didn’t let Sander see his whole face but would look at him from time to time and smile to his self sadly, his cheeks still wet, hair messed up, clothes muddy, but to Sander, he still looked the prettiest person he has ever seen. “Where are we going?” He asked after a while.

“To mine.”

Where you belong.

May 17. 01:37

Robbe already knew that Sander lived alone but he was more than grateful for that fact right now. He texted his mom that he wouldn’t be able to see her tonight. He hasn’t even tried to refuse when Sander said he was taking him with him, to his house since all he really wanted to do was to be with him.

It was the first time he came to his home and the way the whole place just screamed “Sander” was so crazy. The walls were even done in black and white or had massive paintings all over them, a lot of posters on them and the paint smudges were visible on the couches.

He made a hot tea for Robbe and gave him some clothes to change into, which he did. They were huge on them, specially the T-shirt. And he hasn’t missed the way Sander looked him up and down when he walked out, but of course, didn’t say anything. He also hasn’t asked any questions about what happened, he was waiting for Robbe to speak up when he was ready.

They were sitting in front of each other, drinking their tea silently.

“So ... “ Sander started, looking at him.

“I broke up with Sebastian.” Robbe said and watched how he caught Sander off guard. He stayed quiet for a while, saying “oh” after a while.

“That’s all you have to say?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“He’s my friend’s distant cousin and we - “ Robbe started but Sander interupped him.

“You don’t have to.”

Robbe shook his head. “No, no. You deserve to know. I want you to know.”

And after Sander mumbled a soft “okay” and nodded his head, Robbe started.

“You were right. I knew you were right but I was hoping that it would all go back to how it was before, our relationship, you know? But obviously it got worse and worse. It’s been going around like that for months but it got unbearable in the past few weeks.”

“When we met?” Robbe looked down.

“Yeah.”

“So it was mostly my fault then? I ruined your relationship?”

“No, no. It’s not true. You just opened my eyes. It was already ruined. Honestly, the whole thing was doomed before it even started, I was just too blind to see it.”

“It’s over now?”

“Yeah.”

He saw how Sander tried to hide his small smile and smiled himself and started to continue speaking.

“I wish it didn’t get to this and I know I should have listened to you. Even my friends didn’t like him and my mom but I didn’t listen to anybody. I guess I was so happy that I finally came out of the closet and I could be with a boy, fully open, that I didn’t notice all this toxic traits he had, or I just didn’t want to notice it. And I really wanted to just have a normal relationship and I also thought that I didn’t deserve something better than what I had and I - “

“You deserve the world, Robbe, and don’t let anybody make you believe that you don’t.” Sander stopped him to say this which made Robbe blush, ducked his head down. “You can tell me the rest tomorrow or whenever you want.” Robbe could feel that Sander was already looking at his face, but didn’t dare to look up. “You two are over and that’s what matters the most.” And after a while, he added a quiet “I missed you.” Robbe hated how far they away were sitting from each other.

Not waiting for a response, he bent over a little bit and saw that Robbe finished drinking his tea. He asked him before, when they got here, if he wanted to eat something but Robbe refused, only wanted to have a hot drink.

“I think it’s better for you to get some rest now.” He stood up and Robbe followed him when he started walking, trying to calm down his racing thoughts and heartbeat.

Following Sander, he took him to the hallway towards his room which Robbe already saw when he changed his clothes. The room that looked more like Sander than even Sander did.

The room that Robbe instantly fell in love with as soon as he laid his eyes on it.

Sander turned back towards him. “You take the bed and I will sleep on the couch, I’m gonna change the sheets for you.” As soon as the word left his mouth, Robbe’s mood and heart dropped.

“N-no it won’t be necessary. You don’t have to change them.”

I want to feel and smell your aura.

“You sure?”

Robbe nodded his head, he was more than sure about that.

“Okay then.” He walked Robbe to his room and stopped by the door and looked at him while Robbe was still standing there, hesitating to go in, looking at the door intensely like it did something to offend him.

“Sander.” He whispered, his voice already on the edge of breaking, didn’t dare to look at him.

“I’m here, I’m listening.” The way his voice was so soft, so gentle, afraid of what Robbe was about to say and honestly, Robbe was afraid of that too but decided to go for it, decided that bottling stuff up wasn’t the way to lives anymore, decided to say what he wanted.

“Can you stay with me?” He whispered so quietly that he barely heard his own self but when Sander’s expression changed as soon as he heard those words, he knew, Sander heard it too.

“Robbe.” He started, the tone of his voice careful, rethinking what to say.

“No, please. Can you lay with me?” His voice broke at the very end, couldn’t control his self.

Sander sighed and looked away, making Robbe’s stomach drop on the floor.

“Robbe, I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.” He said softly, afraid of what reaction the boy would have.

Robbe nodded his head, his eyes getting wet but didn’t dare to show it.

“Yeah, okay. You’re right.” He said and walked in the room without looking back.

But he managed to hear Sander’s weak whisper. “In another universe, I’d stay.”

May 17. 03:03

Sander couldn’t sleep, he tried but he couldn’t so he gave up. He knew he’d have to stay up for the whole night. His mind going wild, coming up with new scenarios and scenarios, didn’t know how he should feel. He was happy that Robbe ended things with this jerk, but he was also sad about what kind of situation he had to see Robbe just a few hours ago.

He was devastated about how much that horrible boy messed him up, how many lies he fed him, made him believe that he wasn’t worthy of anything good in life. He has no idea what happened between them but it must have been so bad that Robbe decided to end things with him for real this time after so many failed tries. He also couldn’t think nor sleep because he knew, Robbe was here, in his house, in his room, just a few feet away from him and he has never felt more close and far away from him at the same time.

The past week has been one of the hardest he has ever had to go through. He thought that he lost Robbe for good when his phone stayed silent for days. He even consider texting him again, telling him that it was okay if he didn’t want anything to do with him, beg him to come back to him and he’d take all the pain, all the torture, just to see him again, just to be close to him again, he didn’t care about anything else now, but the part of his self which was already hurting and didn’t need any more pain won, he stayed selfish and hope that it would make Robbe realize the truth and it kind of worked. He’d see how Robbe was active on the Instagram, check his profile again and again, trying to fill the voice inside him by doing this but it was doing the worst.

Noor tried to take his mind away and made him have fun but it didn’t work, nothing could get him to stop thinking about the boy who was sleeping on his bed right now.

He didn’t know what to feel when he saw that Robbe texted him, happiness at first, doubt next, and when he found that he wasn’t well, worry. The anxiousness creeping inside him, unable to let him go.

And after seeing him like this, he’s sure, the part of him died but he felt closer than ever to him, saw that he needed help too. And maybe, just maybe, they could heal and help each other together.

He didn’t even know what time it was but he was still wide awake when he heard footsteps.

Robbe walked slowly, probably afraid of waking Sander up and he gasped a little bit when Sander asked “can’t sleep?”

“No.” Robbe walked up to him, Sander could feel. And when he felt the weight press down on the couch, his heart started beating fast.

“W-what? What are you doing?” He asked nervously but stayed quiet when he felt Robbe laid down next to him, touching him on every part of his body.

For a long time, both of them were quiet until Robbe spoke up, hot air coming out of his mouth, touching pleasantly on Sander’s skin, creating goosebumps all over him.

“I don’t want to be alone. I can’t.” And he put his arms around him, put his head on his chest, entwining their legs together. Sander was sure he stopped breathing, couldn’t move, still processing what was happening.

“Please, don’t let me be alone.” And as if these words had some kind of trigger and effect on Sander, he tighten his grip on him, pulling him close, kissing his forehead.

“Never.” He could feel Robbe’s breathing on his chest, slow and steady but still fast somehow.

“Never again.”

May 17. 10:21

As soon as Robbe woke up, he was met with the fresh smell of breakfast which was served right next to the coffee table, by the couch they slept on last night. His eyes went wide, and he looked around.

He saw Sander sitting on the other side of the couch, with a sketch book in his hands, on his lap. He looked up when he saw Robbe moved his head up and smiled at him. “Good morning, beautiful boy.”

“I-is this for me?” He asked.

“What?” And when he saw how Robbe was staring at the food, he realized.

“Oh, breakfast? Of course. I hope you will like it. I’m not the best chef but I try.” And he gave him the most amazing and cheeky smile Robbe has even seen, showing off his dimples.

“You made it for me?” He still couldn’t hide his surprise and amazement and Sander noticed too.

“Yeah?” He said as if he was saying the word “duh” and Robbe felt a weird sensation about how this was not a big deal to Sander at all.

“Why?”

Sander looked at him like he was dumb.

“So you could eat? What kind of questions do you have?” Robbe looked at the food again, sitting on the table and he felt so much happiness radiating on his body.

Sander made the breakfast for him, while he was asleep so he could eat as soon as he woke up.

Nobody has even made him breakfast.

He was sure he’d cry if he was alone just because of this.

“Did you eat already?” He asked.

“No, I wanted to wait so we could eat together.”

Robbe is sure, whatever he was feeling must have been his heart, melting away.

They started eating together but the peace didn’t last long when Robbe accidentally dropped his fork on the ground.

His eyes went wide. “Shit, shit. I’m so sorry. I swear I will clean up, wait.” and he stand up and started pacing around.

Sander looking at his panic like he grown a second head.

“Hey, it’s okay. Relax. It’s nothing.”

“No, I made a mess, I can’t do anything right, I’m sorry, I will - “ but he was stopped when Sander put his hands on his cheeks, made him stop and look him in the eyes.

“It’s fine, Robbe. It’s nothing. You didn’t do anything.”

It took a little more convincing but in the end, Sander managed to calm him down and make him realize over what he was getting anxious about. And they finished their breakfast calmly after that, until Sander saw something on Robbe’s wrist that made his jaw clenched, but he tried to control his self.

“Can I see your hand?” Robbe looked at him confusingly.

“My hand?” He looked down and his eyes went wide, seeing a few purple and yellow bruises on his wrist.

Sander didn’t wait for a response and took his hand in his own slowly and softly, observing it.

“Did he - “ he started but didn’t finish, it was already obvious and it got confirmed when Robbe stayed quiet.

“I’m gonna kill him.” He growled.

“It’s alright. He must have put a little too force on it when I tried to walk away.”

“No, it’s not alright. Has he ever done something like this before?” He asked and Robbe shook his head.

“No, he never used - yeah, he hasn’t.”

What Sander did next was so unexpected, he took his hand close to his face and kissed his bruises. Robbe swallowed. And when Sander put it down, he gave him a look that Robbe couldn’t quite understand, a look filled with something so pure and unique, his legs started shaking.

“Robbe.”

“Hm?”

“Did you really mean that?”

“Mean what?”

“That you want to be with me?”

“I mean it but “ Sander’s expression totally changed at the last word.

“But?”

“I don’t think I’m ready to be with somebody right now.” Sander breathed out, relived and smiled at him.

“I will wait for you, no matter how long it will take. Didn’t I tell you that you’d be worth the wait? Just tell me that it will happen in the end.” He took a step closer to him, looked deep into Robbe’s eyes. “Just tell me that we will happen.” Robbe got lost in his eyes, forgot to answer, forgot to think, forgot to breath.

“We’ll happen.”

Sander smiled at him. “Then you have nothing to worry about. I’m here and I will always be here alright?”

Robbe couldn’t help but ask with a shaky voice. “You promise?”

“I do. I promise and you know how much I hate breaking promises.”

A special and huge thanks goes out to @cleocc for helping me plan this chapter and talking to me about it.

Chapter 18

Chapter 34

Summary: Robbe has always liked psychology. His biggest wish was to help people since he was a little kid. He is on his first year of university and to pay for his studying, he decided to send his CV to one of the most popular online help/chat center’s office. Because of his grades, he got accepted.

He has been watched for a few months now and he has been learning how to talk and act with people who need therapy and emotional support. And when they decided that Robbe was ready to start and volunteer as a listener, they gave him his first “subject” to work on, which happens to be a boy, who just attempted suicide because of how painful his depression episode was.

Will Robbe be able to help him and save him from his thoughts or will the whole thing, filled with unholy secrets and painful emotions take a very different turn and just destroy both of them more?

Chapter 1

Chapter 28

“He stood you up?”

“Yes. And nobody stands me up, ever.”

“Did you talk to him after that?”

“No. He texted some fake ass apology and I had to just roll my eyes. Ugh, men.”

“Agreed.”

Both of them looked at each other and bursted into laughter.

Being with her was a blessing for Sander. Noor always knew what to say and do to make his mood and day better and he couldn’t thank her enough.

He hasn’t been feeling well for the past few days and when she suggested going out, he happily accepted, even if he didn’t feel like having any kind of fun, he knew he had to, or he’d lose him mind on his own.

Robbe has been asking him to keep him company and no matter how much Sander wanted to spend every second of his day with him, Robbe had to study and Sander would never forgive his self for making him distracted, his exams was too close and Sander was trying to control his self and not see him every day.

It was too hard, specially now that he only craved his presence, and that’s exactly why he couldn’t stay at home tonight.

He also had to get ready for his exams but he couldn’t concentrate on anything.

He’s anxious and the fact that he hasn’t been taking his medication was making the situation ten times worse, even if he didn’t want to admit it.

His parents keep checking how he’s doing but he hasn’t been answering any of their calls, for no particular reason, he just didn’t feel like talking to them, listening to their new lectures about how he wasn’t taking care of his self.

He’s acting like a child and he knows that and he also knows that they are right, and he hates it.

He doesn’t know what he’s doing, why he stopped. Maybe he’s trying to test his self, if he can be stable without his meds, if he can be happy without taking them, it hasn’t been working out the way he wanted it to work.

And he changed topic every time Robbe mentioned if he bought them, and one time he noticed and Sander had to lie to his face, it was days ago but he still can’t get it out of his mind, he hates lying, and he tried to admit it to him a few times but couldn’t chose the right words.

It wasn’t late yet but it was starting to get dark. He hasn’t talked to Robbe all day long, didn’t know what he was doing, he sometimes still feels like he’s bothering him, Robbe tries to tell him the opposite but it rarely works.

He’s glad he’s out and not stuck at home now, alone with his thoughts even if they still visit him while he’s with Noor, but he pushes them away, focuses on what she’s been telling him.

Noor doesn’t know about them, how Robbe and he already knew each other and how they are pretty much still in contact.

And she’s telling him about how her date stood her up a few days ago, and Sander couldn’t believe his ears.

“Fuck him. He doesn’t know what he lost.”

The atmosphere around them was chill and nice. Noor smiled at him and both of them were quiet.

“Oh, you know what I heard?” She asked after a while and Sander was ready for the tea, he put his chin on his hands and looked right in her eyes.

“No, what?”

“You remember Robbe?” Her question threw him off guard and he had to take a moment before he was ready to hum for an answer.

“And you remember how he was in a relationship?” He had no idea where she was going with this, he got anxious.

“Was?” Sander had to act dumb, like he didn’t know anything and there is nothing more he hates than pretending.

“Yeah, they broke up.” Noor didn’t notice anything weird and still continued talking.

“Oh, they did?”

“Yep. When I was waiting for that jerk, he was here too.”

“Robbe?” He hasn’t heard anything from Robbe about this.

“No, no. Sebastian, his ex.”

“What did he want?” He couldn’t control his anger, Noor didn’t know about all this but Sebastian did and he also knew Noor was close with Sander. He felt a weird sensation going through his body.

“He came up to me, and started talking. We usually never really talked before but because I didn’t have anything better to do, and it was same for him too probably, he sat down with me and we talked for hours, and I was surprised about the things I heard.”

Sebastian talking to Noor, was a very weird thing and he didn’t want to know the rest of the story but, of course, the curiosity got the best of him and he asked what happened next, and Noor was more than happy to answer his question.

“Apparently, they broke up because Robbe has been cheating? Or at least that’s what he said, I haven’t talked to Robbe about this obviously so I wouldn’t know for sure.”

“He said that he has been cheating?” Sander asked, now more interested in whatever he told her.

“Yep. I mean, honestly, I wouldn’t be that surprised about that since you know how our relationship ended but I was shocked to find out with who.” She said, completely unaware that Sander was more interested in this than than it was necessary.

“With who?” He asked, scared that Noor knew everything and was just testing him, trying to see how long Sander was going to act like nothing was happening.

“With - “ she started but stopped talking and scrunched her face a little bit in concentration, trying to remember something. “Have I ever told you what Robbe does for a living?” Sander shook his head.

After he and Robbe got closer, he told him about his job and how his mentor wanted to find a new client to talk to for him and Sander even joked about it, “don’t fall in love with them too” which made Robbe laugh and promise that he wouldn’t.

He didn’t know a lot about what he was doing since Robbe always tried to change the topic but he knew everything about his studying.

“He’s working in a company, you know online help centers? I actually wanted to suggest them to you but I was afraid you’d laugh or get upset about is so I didn’t say anything. Anyways, he, like, talks to people, he wants to become a psychologist or therapist, I’m not sure.”

“That sounds interesting.” Sander interrupted her, trying to make it seem like he was hearing this for the first time ever.

“Yeah, it is. He talked to me about it when he started. Basically, they give him a person to work on, and he was telling me how it was so hard since he has to learn everything about them and - “

“Wait, what?”

Noor looked at him confusingly but didn’t make a comment about Sander’s voice’s tone.

“Yeah, they gave him the file he has to read about that person he wants to work with and then he has to introduce his self like he doesn’t know them already? And his mentor was being such a bitch, so Robbe had to learn every detail that they write down in the file and then compare how much the person will open up? Like I know his first client was somebody who tried a suicide and Robbe had to see how long it would take him to get the person to open up about it. He’d have to be careful and ask them questions and make reports about how long it will take the person to trust him and stuff. It must be so tiring you know? Can you imagine? And then after each week he had to write reports and essays about what the person told him to his boss. And Sebastian told me that he completely ignored the company rules, fooled the boy he was helping and talking to and cheated on Sebastian with him? How crazy is that?”

Sander’s mind completely shut down after hearing this, he couldn’t process what she was telling him, his mind going spiral, he doesn’t know how he managed to ask a question after that.

“H-he basically lies to them?”

“Yep, that’s how it is in the end. I don’t know a lot of stuff about it, I just know what Sebastian told me about the situation, but I’d say he knows a lot since he also read the file and - “

“W-w-what?”

“Yeah, Robbe read it to him when he first started working with this person.”

Sander doesn’t know what to feel or say, his body completely went numb and froze.

“N-Noor? I got to go.” He said abruptly and got up on his feet, using his shaky legs.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” She asked, standing up with him, concerning look on her face.

Sander started shaking his head, his vision getting blurry, his thoughts trying to come to the surface.

“N-nothing, I just remembered I have to be somewhere, I - “ he looked behind him, searching for an exit. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah yeah.” He gulped, took his jacket and his phone in his hand.

“Okay, I will see tomorrow?” She asked hopefully, quite upset that their night suddenly ended.

“You won’t see me tomorrow.” He said and started walking away from her, didn’t hear how she asked a quiet “what? Why?” Just walked away, opened the door and went out in the street, seeing how it was already quite late because of how dark the sky got.

He started walking, where he didn’t even know, just walked ahead.

His demons on each side of his body, walking with him to nowhere, telling him and feeding him horrible things.

He lied to you from the start.

He shared your whole secrets with everybody else.

He was trying to make you open up.

He was comparing the information you’d give to him to the file he read about you.

He was sending reports, treating you like a rat for an experiment.

He still lies to you now too.

He doesn’t care about you.

He just uses you so he won’t feel lonely.

He doesn’t love you.

He’s still leading you on.

You two will never happen.

He will leave you alone when he’ll get bored of you.

He expects you to lose control.

He’s observing how you’re acting and what you’re saying.

He’s waiting for you to slip up and hurt yourself so he’ll be free from you.

He doesn’t give a shit about your trust.

He broke his promise.

Sander didn’t even feel that, the tears started running down on his cheeks, too lost in his own little painful world.

Then he felt his phone vibrate and took it out of the pocket to see.

21:36 Robbe

I just finished studying.

Where are you? I missed you

He stared at his screen, all alone on the whole road. Tried to control his breathing but failed miserably and yelled out a piercing scream, thew it on the ground and fell down.

The wind was touching his skin lightly, and he was lonely.

Oh so lonely.

The street was silent but his mind was not, all the thoughts were attacking at each other, making it hard for him to breath, his hands pulling on his hair wasn’t helping at all.

His hands shaking, didn’t know what to hold.

The stars were shining down on him sinfully, asking each other what happened to the poor boy.

But the worst thing that happened this day was him, realizing that he didn’t have any pen in his pocket like he usually did.

When he got up on his feet, you could see that he was on a mission.

Going where, he had no idea, but unfortunately, his demons knew.

Chapter 36