#notsorandomthoughts

What a strange feeling to see you again on my way home You and your big bike Just like the last picture of you I took when we met last February Rode that bike a few times but now I'm here inside a bus looking at you through the window It's been a year since I last saw you I kept thinking that one day I might actually see you again And I honestly feared that day I've had moments where I thought I saw you but it was so blurry I wasn't sure

But this time, it was actually you Can't go wrong because you're the only person I know in your neighborhood that has that big orange and black motorbike Can't go wrong because unfortunately I still remember how you look from a far Funny how I used to be happy at the sight of you and your motorbike But for the first time today, I felt the same pain I thought I've gotten over with That pain in my chest as if my heart's being stabbed Can't believe I saw you today Never thought I'll see you again even from a far My heart raced but not because I was excited to see you like before But because I was scared Seeing you surely brought all the traumas I've been trying to get away from There was a point in time when I know everything about you Your plan, where you're going, what time you get out of work, how you're feeling and even what meal you had Now, I don't know anything about you Where you're headed or who you're meeting up with My mind no longer have the knowlegde on the type of person you are today But it's so strange that my heart knows you It remembers you because it loved you once For a moment, it beat for you until you wrecked it Now all it can do is just remember you As someone that I loved and hated We're now living in parallel lines We may be in same place at the same time But I don't think our paths would actually cross once more

Even if it may happen, I will make sure it won't You've caused too much pain, I don't know if I can even look at your eyes Those eyes that were once one of my favorite things I know you don't care But for the very least I hope when you see me or hear my name I hope you feel guilty and ashamed That way I can still think there still goodness in you Else, you're really just a disgusting boy I unfortunately loved

I was today years old when I found out that not every man wants you to be honest about what you’ve experienced in the past.

This my dear caught me by surprise. Not only was I honest but I had the intention of not hiding anything from this person. Now mind you it was a past that was had with a family member but that was like over 30 years ago. Should I have not said anything? Should I have let him find out on his own?

I honestly feel like this would have been a loose loose situation.

I’ve been asking the same question to myself the past few weeks: “What do I deserve?”

I know what makes me happy at the moment isn’t necessarily what I need or what I deserve. People always tell me I deserve good things in this life. But how would I really know?

To be honest, I always ask myself how I want to be treated by someone I consider special in my life. As I think it through, what I want is just simple: I want to feel secure, I want to feel like you care, and I want reassurance from time to time. I want to feel like I’m wanted. I know this is not really simple or easy for some, but I think it isn’t impossible.

I’ve been told by a lot of people before that I am too much this, too much that. It sucks feeling like you’re “too much” when in fact what you’re asking for is something you can easily give to people you care about.

Then I come back to the same question: “What do I deserve?”

I believe I deserve someone who wouldn’t call me “too much.” I deserve someone who will accept me just the way I am and will actually like me for being so. I don’t deserve being called clingy just because I want to talk everyday or meet everyday, if possible. I perfectly understand that this can’t always be possible since we have our own lives, but I shouldn’t be called “too much” just because I want these things. With proper communication, I can accept and understand wholeheartedly if you can’t talk or meet, but I think it is unfair to put the blame on me every time I feel sad about cancelled plans or every time my expectations go up. I don’t deserve being called “too much” for pouring out my heart and soul for someone I love.

I know I shouldn’t change who I am just to conform to someone’s standards. Well, I know change is necessary especially if it’s for the better but what if you are asked to change because someone thinks you’re too much? I think I deserve to be treated better than this. A simple good morning or good night or I miss you or I love you will actually suffice. We wouldn’t have to talk all day. I’m not even asking for that. Yet, I’m still too much?

She said ‘Don’t let my past affects you’.

Don’t let her past affects you.

She said ‘You’re my one true love’.

And so is her, to you.

She said ‘Maybe you don’t want me as much as i want you’

No

Not really

No, it’s not true. It’s more complicated than one single reason.

Maybe I worry a little too much.

I’m not good at being selfish.

Maybe I should change the way I always am.

But what’s so bad about being me?

Maybe I should stop worrying about nonsense consequences.

But it’s awful to see you hurt, to see you say ‘It’s alright’ while it’s actually not at all.

Maybe,

Just maybe,

I just don’t want to be anything like him. I want to be different, to actually care, to treat you right, to make you feel peace when i’m around, to truthfully love you.

Maybe.

She said ‘Don’t let my past affects you’.

Don’t let her past affects you.

She said ‘You’re my one true love’.