#notsin

hiiii hugh 🫶 for youuuuu

He gives a couple of loose, dry strokes. Nearly sighs when he swipes his thumb across the tip to find it wet. Wet enough for Buck to spread it around, to ease the glide of his palm.

He takes it slow. Keeps things leisurely. There’s no rush here.

So this is about body dysphoria? maybe? is that what this is? I don’t really want to call it that because I’m not trans and I don’t know if there’s more to it than this.

So I was overweight as a child for as long as I can recall. I have to go deep into my memory to find a time when I wasn’t at least chubby. So my mind is used to seeing my as a round and soft person. But I have lost a lot of weight over the last few years just due to having a real PE class and eating healthier, and it never troubled me because I remained self-conscious and avoided mirrors, wore loose clothing, etc. But I’ve been feeling more body-positive and confident recently which has had the extremely odd side effect of me noticing my loss of weight and feeling anxious about it. Mentally I have the ingrained perception that my belly should be bigger than it is, that my bra should be a little tighter when I wear it. And the fact that it isn’t is getting to me more now that I look at myself more, wear less baggy clothes, and overall express myself more via what I wear. It’s, realy odd to feel this way. I keep obsessively checking my belly bump(you know, that part of your belly/waist that scrunches up between your chest and your actual tummy when you lie down?) and making sure I’m not like shedding weight at an alarming rate. As far as I can tell I’m not.