It seems to me that I always have a lot of real heavy stuff weighing on my mind, so why not release it into the world completely anonymously and let it live forever on the internet?

Yup- sounds wonderful.

Frankly I don’t really care who reads this. I'm probably never going to come back to it ever again after pressing post. Heck I’m not even gonna proofread it, I’m just gonna give zero shits! 

As I literally just said, I have found literally my entire existence being dragged down by some heavy ass thoughts for a long time now. I’m not gonna lie, I definitely struggle with the weight of them sometimes, partially because it feels like I’m the only one dealing with this kinda bullshit. Of course that’s a super huge conclusion to be jumping to, especially since it is almost certainly not true. But I don’t really know, I just haven’t been feeling like myself for a while now. But maybe I wasn’t ever “myself” in the first place before I started having these thoughts? I don’t know.

Last year I thought I had depression. It was really strange, and truthfully I’d rather not delve deep into figuring out exactly what it was. I just know that I felt unbearably sad pretty often, and as awful as it is to think about it again, there were definitely some times where I wondered what it would be like if I jerked the wheel to the right as I was driving over a bridge and stomped on the gas. 

Like I said, I’d rather not think about it right now and even though I probably have zero audience, I’m just gonna divert myself away from that particular topic. 

I’ve been doing much better ever since I graduated though- the PC part of my wants to say that it’s because I’ve “grown and matured” as a person but I know it’s because I successfully (!!) managed to cut a whole lot of bullshit out of my life. 

Yeah, I’m pretty proud of myself for that. 

But I also have to wonder why? Why did I have to have a sudden “epiphany” of sorts last year and thrust myself into a whirlpool of loneliness and confusion? I’m glad it happened obviously, but it’s weird to think that maybe not everyone has had this particular epiphany yet and maybe some people never will. 

Do I really pity them though? What people know can’t hurt them right?

I think that this epiphany- which is undefinable and unquantifiable by nature- extends a lot farther than just the people in my life however. I find myself questioning a lot more things that I used to. My relationship with my culture/background. Body image. Family. Relationship-relationships. Fucking capitalism. How all of these things somehow manage to tangle themselves together and make me question literally everything and throw me into a sad, confused mess sometimes. 

If there was one wish that I could have granted, I’d ask for the ability to be able to understand myself better. 

Maybe this is all what naturally happens on the way to finally understanding oneself. Maybe I’m not an anomaly for constantly feeling all weird and sometimes all sad and for questioning everything. I don’t know. 

That’s definitely something I say pretty often.

Because I really don’t know. 

As expected, this makes absolutely no sense and is basically so noncohesive to the point I could categorize it as a stream of consciousness.

That’s what it is though- I really just took all of those weighty thoughts and slapped their stupid asses straight onto this virtual piece of paper. 

Imma do this more often. It feels really good. 

Peace out!

To: Literally nobody

From: A real confused gorl who is confused about literally everything except for the fact that she is confused who also uses the world literally too much 

Positive affirmation of the day written by me!

I think you can do this. Just detangle your life and your priorities just like you detangle all the fucking pairs of earbuds you always have in your pocket!