#nothing remarkable

I have been away from this space for a while, in part hopeful that I might focus on bettering myself and feeling some semblance of normalcy.

Unfortunately, this has not been the case.

I am more exhausted than before, and I no longer harbor any hope. All actions are almost automatic, as mental clarity and reasoning have all but disappeared from me.

Tomorrow is another day is a punitive sentence.

In a last ditch effort to cling to this sorry thing I call my life, my partner has helped me with scheduling an initial consultation for ECT. Now, I'm sure this conjures up scenes from popular media as a barbaric and torturous treatment but it is, in actuality, quite sedate and even unremarkable by medical standards.

After the initial administration of anesthesia and IV, the conductors are applied to the patient's head and, after observing the brain's wave activity, a psychiatrist determines the proper (and miniscule) electrical impulse to send, thereby stimulating the brain to return to "normal" wave activity. All this meant to "reset" the brain, in a way. This is all too brief and simplistic, but I hope you get the idea. It's not a shock or anything that would illicit anything or than the big toe to twitch ever so slightly. A dental appointment is more dramatic than this procedure.

So.. while I'm not expecting anything to come of this particular treatment, I've agreed to comply because I have tried so many avenues already (not exhaustive but enough to qualify for ECT).

After all appears lost, what else is left to lose?