#nothing left inside

7:55 PM EST December 11, 2024:

Black Flag - "Nothing Left Inside" From the album My War (March 1984)

Last song scrobbled from iTunes at Last.fm

Only 20 years ahead of its time.

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🫠🥴

I’m disabled and very mentally ill. Same as a lot of people, but I feel like I never get a good day. It’s always “you need time to heal, give yourself a break”. I feel like all I’ve been doing is resting and it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I’m constantly trying my best to get better and the second I think I’m making progress it’s something new.

You need to go to the ER. You need to take these medications. You need to rest. You can’t go to work. You need to pay these bills. How can I pay the bills if I can’t work? How do I make progress if all I can do is lay around waiting to get better? When will I get better? When will anything get better? How can I give myself a break and be more gentle with myself when I grew up around so much negativity?

“My child is not special”. “You just need to try harder”. “You’re a child, you’re not in pain”. “Stop lying”.

“You’re a teenager, of course your body is going to hurt. You’re growing. Just take more pills and you’ll be fine”

“There’s nothing wrong with you. Stop being dramatic. I go through way more than you and I’m still working and not bitching. There’s nothing for you to be depressed about. You have it so easy”

No. I didn’t. You neglected me and I was forced to be an adult as a child. I raised more children that I can count. I drove the van at the age of 12 because you were drunk at the bar on a Wednesday. I was parenting my parents. Nobody ever believed my pain and now I’m 21 unable to work because I was so ignored that I got no help. There is no help. There is no medication. There is no cure. There isn’t anything I can do to fix any of this. “I’m sorry, doctors don’t know enough about your problems to help you. We can no longer help you. You can try this medication for these other issues but they are not for you. You will trip out until there’s no color left in your eyes. No doctor will contact you to tell you to stop taking these medications and you will have life long side effects.”

Stay positive? Ive been seeing creatures crawling on my ceilings since I was a toddler. The walls are breathing and hands are touching me through the walls. I’m seeing faces in trees and the shadow figures look at me with no expression. Why do I feel their pain? Why do I wish I was dead? Why did I pray to a god I didn’t believe in just because I was told he’d save me one day? Why haven’t I been saved? Why was I lied to? Why am I like this?

“Why dont you hangout with friends?”

What friends are you referring to? The ones who left because they couldn’t handle hearing how badly I wanted my pain to end? The friends who used me for my money because they knew I felt the pain they were going through and they used me until they were better off without me? The friends who couldn’t understand what having DID is like? The friends who fell in love and couldn’t be in my life unless they had me to themselves? The friends who made me sacrifice so many parts of myself until I couldn’t see myself in the mirror? What friends are you talking about?

“Where’s your family in all this?”

The alcoholic, pedophile, narcissistic, manipulative, victim complex, emotionally unavailable, physically abusive, neglectful, egotistical, strict Catholic, compulsive liars, ableist, homophobic, boomers, divorced parents that couldn’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves?

I left at 17. My mother was stealing from me and my family didn’t like that I was the “black sheep” of the family. I need no Shepard for I am not a sheep.

I started from pennies in my pocket. No car. No home. No job. No knowledge of anything other than what my family programmed into my brain to be a slave to whatever they needed me to be. I had nothing.

I’m supposed to be happy? Positive? Hopeful? I slept in a wooden toy chest hoping I wouldn’t wake up as a child . I was so little. Nobody believed a goddamn word I had to say. I’m severely traumatized and disabled.

I’ve been with my partner of almost 4 years who I jokingly gave the name “caretaker” in my phone just for it to unironically become the truth. I feel so much guilt for needing someone to take care of me and help me with everything. I hate that I’ve taken away so many chances for him to have a “normal” life.

I’ve put him through so much shit and he’s still here. It took me over 3 years to get therapy. Only after he broke up with me because I was planning my suicide. He himself was suicidal and didn’t say anything because he didn’t want me to feel bad. He cared more about me than himself and I hate I put him in that situation. He loves me everyday and I can’t seem to love myself for a second. How does he do it? How does he look at me and see love after everything we’ve gone through?

How do I keep going knowing I’m taking away his chances of having a good fulfilling life? Probably won’t get married because why waste money on someone who’s more than 95% going to kill themselves when the time comes? Won’t be having kids because who wants to pass on so many disorders and disabilities to a child? Why adopt just to be shamed for taking in a child when you can’t give them a normal life being a disabled parent?

I’m positive I make my therapist uncomfortable because I can’t seem to go more than two days without talking about how easy everyone’s life will be once I’m gone. “They will miss you”. They definitely won’t miss hearing me bitch about how shit my life is and how there’s nothing i or anyone else can do to help me or fix me. They won’t have to help me with everything. They won’t have to worry about me at all because my body won’t be an issue. My pain won’t be relevant. They will have such an easy life when I’m gone.

I was writing suicide notes at the age of 9. Writing to myself on my birthday because who tf cares about the stick bug you call a girl. The pale and frail. “Look, I can wrap my hands around your waist and my fingers touch.” Awesome having everyone carelessly speak about my size and furthering my eating disorder.

There is nothing for me to look forward to. There’s no light at the end of the tunnel. The grass is not greener on the other side. The roses do not smell sweater. The water will never sit still. Everyone leaves and I hop on the pity train with my fucking clown shoes.

“You are dead to me.” “You are a selfish person.” “You aren’t important, I already replaced you.” “You have zero direction.” “You’re going nowhere.” “I hope you hurt every single day until you rot alone.” “You’re a coward.” “You’re a dark rain cloud with nothing good to say.” “You’re just as angry as your dad.” “You play the victim just like your mom.” “You’re a child.” “You let everyone take advantage of you.” “You will be temporary for everyone who comes into your life.” “You will never be cured.” “Do you know how easy it would be to get rid of your body since there’s nothing there.” “You’re so easy to take advantage of.” “ There is zero empathy in your body.” “ You’re dying anyway.” “You’re so fake.” “You can’t even be a person.” “You’re so lost in your delusions.” “I don’t think you’ve ever told the truth.”

Things I’ve been told by people who “loved” me. By family. By friends. By ex bestfriends. By coworkers. By strangers. And I’m supposed to just get over it? I’m supposed to move on? I just need to move past all that? There is nothing to save me from this.

I’m a burning fire waiting to be put out. I’m choking myself out with my own thoughts. I’m smoking everyday hoping my lungs give out just for my ribs to be pushed to the surface until I can’t sit still. The bugs under my skin whispering the things I’ve been told on repeat for years.

It will never change. I can never change. The change I make is irrelevant to anyone because they see the same depressed girl who gave up so early in life and has no direction. I will make it nowhere in life except the cemetery I sit at alone because there’s nobody there to shame me. There’s nobody to tell me it’ll be better. It’s quiet. It’s calm. There’s no shame in sitting with the dead.

When was there every light in my eyes? When was there a life worth living?

9:55 PM EDT August 3, 2024:

Black Flag - “Nothing Left Inside” From the album My War (March 1984)

Last song scrobbled from iTunes at Last.fm

Only 20 years ahead of its time.

–

6:23 AM EDT April 26, 2024:

Black Flag - "Nothing Left Inside" From the album My War (March 1984)

Last song scrobbled from iTunes at Last.fm

Only 20 years ahead of its time.

--

10:00 AM EST December 24, 2023:

Black Flag - “Nothing Left Inside” From the album My War (March 1984)

Last song scrobbled from iTunes at Last.fm

Only 20 years ahead of its time.

–

2:06 AM EST December 5, 2023:

Black Flag - "Nothing Left Inside" From the album My War (March 1984)

Last song scrobbled from iTunes at Last.fm

3:16 AM EDT June 13, 2022:

Black Flag - "Nothing Left Inside" From the album My War (March 1984)

Last song scrobbled from iTunes at Last.fm