#notforgetting

I was choking from the lack of conversation. I had to get some fresh air. The meeting was killing me softly. I looked around and saw the black asphalt of the parking lot. Heat lines were rising off it. But there was a tree. In the distance, it swayed in the breeze. One lone majestic pine. Just as isolated as I felt. A single Torrey Pine which saved my morning. Brought me back to life. The air in the meeting was stale. Now I could breathe in the moments. The parking lot was a desert of black tar. Now it was an oasis. Both of us spoke. I went first. Thanks for being born and growing there, Torrey Pine. Thanks for not forgetting, Steven. . . . . . #forgetting #notforgetting #torreypine #instatree #torreypines (at One Tree) https://www.instagram.com/p/B3EVOBdpkJj/?igshid=dc6jlisu9t3q

#forgiving #notforgetting #stayfocused (at New York, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/BoRgwznBo9K/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=aqvsfgczq8m6

A ton has happened this year but I'm not shaky anymore I went from having everything to having a few changes of clothes and a friend's support (which is everything) Took a ton of acid consecutively confused the fuck out of myself scared myself lowered myself but still held on to the comfort that I'd known (myself) I fell in love I fell out of love I had sex a lot I didn't have any sex I drank and drank and sniffed and drank and sniffed and sniffed and drank and drank so fucking much over and over and over again to the point where I literally shook my mind and brain out of me not to mention all the weed I smoked uselessly without purpose or my fucked up stomach and dreams and eyes and body and self I was dehydrated as fuck I found myself looking up "Do my friends and I drink too much?" Haha yeeeea I never ever REALLY lost that genuine connection to though but I ignored every single obvious sign haha things were not falling into place and I am a shame for ignorning what I love the most without describle words I grew up a lot and I also lost a lot of useful everyday common knowledge that I had learned to use every minute of the day I never grew down though. I woke up in random places had a blast being a 17 yr old hanging out with pervert 26 year old who liked to think I was 19 but I can't say anything I did let the coke guy and another take lines off my butt and body and I did the same because?? I didn't have anywhere to be l didn't give a fuck about my mom my life my future my own fucking self my brain was ROT and I didn't even have the mental capacity to realise and bee above those things, I can sorta describe what I mean bhobrain rot. It's a state of mind that is no longer there for you to just tap into because the connection is lost you're already way too far down the black hole so you have to start building yourself all over again like reverse peeling the onion. You lose layers you recreate them and then everthing is so clear you're out of the hole above everything insignificant to your own life. Then you start to see and listen and notice and laugh you finally added another layer and feel closer to home finally even though still currently I don't know where I'm living But I'm gonna dip to go hang out with my mom and step dad

My friend gave me a book to skim through/read recently because he thought I might get something helpful outta it, and so far I think it's working. It's all about living in the moment, the Now, and not focusing on the past or future so totally. Like your past has made you who you are, and your future is where you're going, but the only real thing is this moment right now. The only thing that truly exists is what's happening at this exact moment. And so far trying to practice this, trying to live most focused on the now and less so on the things that are past or future, has seemed to work. I'm starting to believe that finding happy is really achievable.