#note to thyself

( I just leave this raw and random note. So, bear with me.)

For me, my next application. Maybe, I should adjust too because sometimes they saw me as different and lowkey. Maybe, I should stop acting cute or soft when I am with them so that I will not be kinda cringe at their sight. Maybe, I should have boundaries when I hangout with the other. In order for them to have a comfortable atmosphere. It is so hard for me to be myself when I am at the public. Depending on their personalities

It’s already in the 6th month of the year! Days fly so fast! I’ve just remembered the moments about last few months. It’s kinda heavy and devastating. Natural disasters, global health crisis, economic crisis, social protests, people lost their loved ones... I can’t enumerate all those conflicts happening around the world which is also not very good for our mental health.

Amidst the conflicts, my grandfather died. I also cut down my ties from a person whom I loved. 6 months has passed yet I still recall those memories. Again, I recall the good old days but it doesn’t hurt anymore. It may crossed to my mind but it just immediately passed-by. Whenever I saw a picture, a word or anything that reminds me of them, it slips to my mind. I was like, “Yeah, those days. Atleast, it’s already done.”

Last month, I got a minor accident. I can’t move my foot. It has a rounded bruise until it subsides along with the pain. Good riddance, I thought it won’t heal right away. It takes 1 week anyway.

Despite of all my plans that didn’t happen. I shake my head and tell God, “Thank you. No matter what.” It is still a blessing though. Wondering how can I expand this opportunity within this limited space. God taught me the peace amidst the worldly noise.

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. - Psalm 30:5

I can describe myself as a late bloomer.

Someone who has been confined into four corners I am craving for expansion and exposure at the same time. This has been my way to admit that I am still trying to figure out my own niche.

I want to travel but how? My parents cannot teach me because they admit that they have a short span of patience in a long drives. Moreover, my family does not have any travel experiences plane ticket or out of town trips.

I tend to be jealous of my mutuals. How liberated they are. Open minded and ready to take risks with their family. I told this blr for the nth time how I managed to breathe in and breathe out the circles and patterns that has been running with my family.

On my own, I want to go many side quests as I can even inside my hometown. For a while, I am looking for a staycation or nature trip nearby my place. I foresee myself enjoying my own vacation without anyone. Whimsical times.

My fashion sense which I only live either at home or church. Like how mismatch patterns and colors are. The diy bangs, cheap hair colors and bushy bobs. Damn, guess those trends wasn't aligned to me.

The times I am the song leader every Sunday on our church, playing guitar or bass and giving testimonies. I am so good at memorizing every Bible verses. I thought it was a real talent inside a four corners of the church. We went at Mindoro, Cagsawa, Calauan and other places. How far does our mission trips went for a youth/cause?

During my college days, taking my prime era as a pre-service teacher. I remember how I am passionate to the point I literally passed every semester and even my licensed. I thought I am only good inside a four corners of a classroom.

Going at Nueva Ecija every holidays, with my dearest cousins and family. I thought I went from a very far place outside my hometown.

The silent treatments at home whenever my parents threw a tantrum. I will never forget the words they engraved on my heart and mind. Wounds became scars.

My previous bosses who defamed me to cancel my regularization. The parents and students who brought me down while I am hanging by a thread. Being backburner, bullied and scapegoat from colleagues.

These were all the reasons I want to rebrand myself every day. After I turned 25, I want to be more of my past. I want to travel alone domestically and internationally; I want to find a job that has a higher pay; I want to be prettier to the point that influencers or content creators might notice me out of the blue; I want to be a model of pilates or yoga essentials; I want to have a minimalist tattoo under my boobs (hehe so random).

Every Sunday, I usually wake up late than to visit church with them. I rather be happy alone. I reach my limit when I receive snide remarks in terms of my side quests. All of my own achievements became so private. I didn't share it with them eversince.