It has been awfully long since I've wanted to do stuff...and it feels weird now...I've been doing stuff on sheer impulse and social rules and norms from quite a time....the year's results came out recently and while I didn't do my best, I tried...and it's important right? To try? Maybe a couple of people did better and maybe I did better than many many others....but all that matters is the fact that I tried...I got out of the comfort zone...and I was more myself in this year than I ever was in the past 16 years...and it felt good...I felt like I've achieved something that isn't materialistic...not like a sheet of a paper that tells me that I got the best rank..but more like a sense of myself...and I knew what I was....what I am even when I was a kid..but it makes sense now...and thibking about it...it wasn't really progress...but it made me sort stuff out and I'm happier...so isn't that a win?
Then comes the rank....like I said...it isn't my best...but then...I've certainly improved from 4 years ago...and I maintained the consistency...and really...they scored better than me and it's killing me from the inside...but I did something myself other than what I put on papers...
And then the guy....I find parallels from an year ago..last March wasn't the best...but it was a time when I realised I got better while spiraling into an existential crisis...and it's the same this March...and he's just not helping anything...I feel like I'm treating him like a perfect person...but is a crush really supposed to last for 10 months? And i don't know what to do about the whole thing...
And it'll all get sorted...the new year started barely two days ago and I'm already exhausted from the teachers and the peers...and I really do not know how all this will get better...but I'm supposed to believe and practice what I preach right? It'll all get better with time..
should I tell my crush that I like him
yes go for it
no forget him and move on
try to become friends first
try to secretly spook him out and jump off a cliff
