#notdanhowell

Still, Dan tries his hardest to make sure Phil doesn’t find out.

So nothing really noteworthy happens for a couple of weeks. They’re at a YouTube party, and everyone has abandoned their cameras in favor of drinks from the bar. Dan lost Phil some time ago into the crowd. He’s drunk, he’s sure everyone is. He’s sitting at the bar with a drink that’s probably a bad idea in his hands when he spots Phil. He’s lost in the crowd, grinding to some kind of song with Tyler. Dan can tell his best friend’s having fun, but Tyler can get a little sexual while drunk so he figures it’s his best friend duty to save Phil.

Dan takes two drinks from the bar and makes his way through the bar. “Mind if I steal Phil from you?” he shouts to Tyler over the music.

Tyler smiles. “Go ahead!” he shouts back before disappearing into the crowd. Dan turns his attention back to Phil and holds up a drink. “Shot!” he yells over the music. Phil takes it and clinks his glass against Dan’s. The two of them tip the hard liquor down their throats. It stings, but it’s welcome.

“Are you having a nice time?” Phil shouts. He catches a hand around Dan’s waist so that they can bounce to the music together. It’s a little less than a thumping noise in their ears, but it’s good. The atmosphere is good, the party is good, Dan feels good.

Dan chuckles because he’s a little bit drunk. “Actually, yes,” he shouts back. “I’m not going antisocial, for once.”

Phil’s face is flushed red and Dan can tell that he’s more than a little drunk when he gives Dan a full smile back and yells, “actually, it’s asocial.” He pauses. “Because antisocial would be,” he hiccups. “Something different.”

“Mh,” Dan laughs. “Very smart of you, Phil Lester.”

The two of them don’t say anything for a while, just dance with each other until Louise puts a hand on Dan’s shoulder and yells to Phil, “Mind if I steal him?” Dan’s fairly certain Phil would agree to anything in this state so he just nods with a loopy smile.

Louise pulls Dan away, wraps an arm loosely over his shoulders. “So,” she says, and her smile is cocky but Dan’s a bit too drunk to figure out why yet. “Are you two dating yet?”

Dan throws her a lopsided grin. “Us two who?” he asks.

Louise tilts her head in Phil’s direction. Dan’s best friend is currently in the midst of a social circle that would give Dan anxiety but in which Phil prospers. “You and Phil,” Louise fills in.

Dan feels his heart get caught in his throat. “Me and Phil?” he stutters. Louise raises an eyebrow at him. “No, we’re just friends,” he’s quick to correct. He forces a laugh that sounds fake even to him. “God, you’re worse than even the shippers.”

Louise looks like she’s going to say something, but then there are fingers on his shoulders as Phil forces him back. “Payback!” he yells over the music as he tips a shot down Dan’s throat. Dan’s blood feels warmed as Phil mutters, “mwahahaha,” into his ear, but he’s not sure it’s the alcohol.

-

At three in the morning Dan finds himself going through notdanhowell’s ask box again. He can’t sleep, he’s too buzzed off of the alcohol, and though it’s mainly worn off by now, it’s still buzzing pleasantly through his veins. Phil had fallen asleep almost as soon as they’d gotten to their flat a little over two hours ago, so it’s just him.

His blog has a fair amount of headcanon requests. Usually, if he decides to write one, he goes right for the most platonic and domestic prompt he can find. However, he can’t help but let his eyes catch on one that stands out in his ask box.

justcallmegracie said:

Could I have a headcanon about how Dan and Phil kiss? I really like your writing! :)

The smiley face stares back at him as if it’s an enemy. Usually, he would scroll right past this prompt. Writing fanfiction about his best friend was one thing, but writing fanfiction about the two of them kissing was a line that he wasn’t sure he was willing to cross just yet. But he’s buzzed and his brain goes without his permission.

Phil has a bit of a chapstick addiction, Dan bets his lips would be so soft. He thinks Phil would probably kiss gently, probably do something sappy like grab Dan’s face or put his hands around his waist, pull him in gently. Dan thinks kissing Phil would be dizzying, probably addicting. And then he pauses because he’s considering kissing his best friend. He’s considering enjoying it.

Dan shuts his laptop so quickly that he’s almost afraid that the crash of his computer lid can be heard the next room over. His heart is pounding in his chest, he can feel his pulse in his throat. Did he actually just do that? He feels like he might pass out. What kind of person was he becoming?

One that considers kissing his best friend for Internet-based speculative fanfiction, apparently.

Dan very slowly reopens his laptop. The damned smile face is still smiling back at him, along with the stupid headcanon prompt.

He really shouldn’t.

notdanhowell said:

dan kisses hard and fast, like he’ll never get another chance to again. he pulls the other person in, wraps his arms around their neck, let their hands run down their chest and under their shirts. he’s a very sexual kisser, but like what would you expect from him, let’s be real.

phil, on the other hand, would be a very slow and soft kisser. he’s a nerd so he’d probably want to let it grow organically, want it to be romantic. when dan gets him going, though, he’s all whimpers and needy kissers and soft mutters of “more.” kissing phil is dizzying, intoxicating, it’s-

Something Dan wants to do at that moment. He gasps at the realization, quickly backspaces and then presses post. He worries his lip between his teeth and when he realizes he’s imagining it’s Phil he reckons he’s more than a little drunk.

He closes his laptop and when he lays down, he almost immediately falls asleep.

-

They’re kissing.

Dan’s not entirely sure how they got here, but Phil’s got Dan’s shirt balled up in his fist and he’s got his other around Dan’s neck. Dan’s got both hands on Phil’s hips, has pulled his flatmate in as close as they can get. It’s good and addictive and Dan doesn’t think he’s ever been more addicted to anything ever.

Dan pulls away from the kiss when he realizes he absolutely cannot breathe, and then Phil’s lips are attached to his neck. Dan feels dizzy. Everything feels so intense. He presses his fingers a little harder into Phil’s hips like he can’t possibly believe that he’s real, that he’s here.

And then Phil speaks. “Is that good, baby boy?” he says, and, god, the intonation of his voice and it’s so deep and it goes right to places that Dan needs to focus on grandma not to think about. “Wouldn’t it feel better if you were awake?”

Dan pauses. “Huh?” he asks, because that’s the most logical thing he can think of.

Phil gives him a dangerous smirk. “Wake up, Dan.”

“Dan!”

Dan jolts awake, sits up with a sharp gasp. Phil’s standing next to him, for some reason fully dressed and looking rather exasperated. “Oh my god, you are such a heavy sleeper.” He grabs Dan’s sheets from under him. “You slept through your alarm, we’re late for a meeting.”

“Shit!” Dan swears. And then, for good measure, “shit, shit shit.”

He doesn’t have time to dwell on his dream as he gets dressed more quickly than he’s sure is humanly possible. Dan’s ready to go within two minutes flat and they’re out of the door and into a taxi in five.

Once they’re in the taxi, Phil looks over at Dan. “Oh my god,” he says. “That was more stressful than trying to get you to the airport, bloody hell.”

Phil takes a deep breath and Dan’s fairly sure his best friend’s going to have an aneurysm. Dan scoffs. “Please, I knew what I was doing.” He grabs his phone from his back pocket and refreshes his Twitter notifications. He doesn’t see the name of the first person, but he can see they’ve linked him to a fanfiction they’ve written. The comment under, though, is what catches his eye.

Arijana @yellowtrash_

lmao don’t link dan to fanfics that’s highkey inappropriate

Dan snorts a laugh at that one. Jesus, if only Arijana knew what kind of hole he’s dug himself into. Phil gives him a weird look, but Dan thinks he’s still probably too stressed to ask Dan about it.

They get to their meeting and thankfully no one’s that pissed off at them. Phil’s brother gives them a kind of pissed off look and Dan’s pretty sure that they’ll be getting a firm talking to from Martyn about being timely for things, but he’s not all that serious, anyway. It’s one of the reason they had hired him in the first place.

Phil empties out his nerdy backpack and hands Dan a notepad and a pen. The meeting isn’t anything too important, just technical stuff. When they had first hired people to build their brand, they had made it very clear that they wanted to come to every meeting, even if they weren’t expressly needed. This is one of those times.

Dan starts doodling on his paper, half involved in talks about financial spending and audience interaction and the monetization of their videos. The other half of his brain trails off into thoughts, falls back into his dream.

That hadn’t been the first time he’d had a sex dream, of course, he too had once been a teenage boy. However, it was the first time he’d had any type of dream about Phil that was anything other than strictly platonic. And, he kind of hated himself for it, but it was kind of nice? He could imagine kissing Phil, actively wanted to feel his best friend’s lips on his own.

“Dan,” Phil says, breaks Dan out of his thoughts. Dan looks around the meeting and realizes that everyone’s staring at him and, oops, that’s vaguely embarrassing. “Marisa wanted to know how you felt about that?”

“Erm,” Dan glances between the people in the meeting, who look more perplexed than anything, and Phil, who looks a mixture of genuinely concerned and annoyed. “I think that’s good, yeah.”

Dan takes a sigh of relief as everyone goes back to discussing whatever they had been talking about previous. He manages a sneaky glance at Phil and the realization hits him like a ton of bricks.

He has a crush on his best friend.

-

They’re on the tube later when Phil looks over at Dan. “Right,” he says, and his voice is low enough that no one else can hear it, but loud enough to be audible over the sounds of the city. “What’s been up with you, lately?”

Dan knows exactly what he means, but somehow he feels like playing stupid will be beneficial so he asks, “what do you mean?”

“You know what I mean,” Phil replies. Damn their best friend psychic link. He sighs, and his voice drops as he leans in closer to Dan. “It’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it,” he starts, and then he glances around. Dan guesses he’s probably watching for fangirls that tend to get pictures when they stand too close together, “that’s fine. But you don’t have to get lost in your head. And-” he pauses, probably is looking for the right way to word this, “-and I don’t want you to do anything that will hurt yourself. You’re my best friend, Dan.”

Dan’s lips twitch in a soft smile and he nods. “I know,” he says. “It’s nothing bad, it’s,” and for a half-second, he considers telling Phil. He tells his best friend everything, after all. But then he doesn’t. “I’ll tell you one day, okay?”

Phil sighs. “Alright,” he says. He stands back up and digs in his pocket for his phone.

They don’t talk the rest of the way home.

AUTHOR’S NOTE:

sup mates.

i had the busiest week ever and fell super behind on my nano project but i’m back and it’s spring break and i intend to bang out a few thousand words to finally fucking catch up.

this chapter features @justcallmegracie and a twitter user called Arijana! thank you for your sacrifice for some dan angst.

if you’d like to be involved in notdanhowell, click here. PLS DO ESPECIALLY IF YOU WRITE SMUT AND WOULD BE WILLING TO HAVE ME QUOTE YOUR SMUT!

Reblog to spread the word about my blog, thank you!

But it’s fine if he writes about it, okay? Then it’s not a fantasy, it’s fanservice. He doesn’t have a problem. It’s fine.

Dan scrolls through a few of the prompts. There are some that make him laugh, like him and Phil using glitter lube in a public washroom, a few that scare him, like one where he’s Phil’s slave and he’s locked up and that might actually be illegal?

superpaperclip said:

hc about what d & p are like in bed? love your blog, dani!

Meg stares him down in their profile photo. Dan lets out a resound sigh.

Why not?

notdanhowell said:

dan’s probably loud. the neighbors probably bang on the walls to get him to shut up. dan’s favorite position is riding phil, where he gets to be in charge while still getting fucked, because lbr we all know that dan’s a whore for cock. he also likes when phil’s on top of him so that he can scratch up phil’s back, leave red marks that mark phil as his.

phil probably has more control than dan does in bed. he’s not loud, but he enjoys it anyway. the noises phil makes are probably deep and go right to dan’s dick. his favorite position is either reverse cowgirl, so he can watch dan’s ass as it moves because dan’s ass is noice, or missionary, because phil’s probably a romantic little shit who likes to stare into dan’s eyes.

Dan tags the ask appropriately and presses post. He can’t help but think about it, Phil hovering over him, kissing down his neck, telling him what a good boy he’s being.

Dan’s door squeaks open. Dan jumps, slams his laptop lid shut. Phil’s standing in the doorway with his duvet wrapped around his body. He stands there for a minute. “I couldn’t sleep,” he says, and his voice sounds tired. “Can I come sleep in here?”

Dan puts his laptop to the side. He doesn’t say anything, but lifts his duvet in invitation. Phil gets under, puts his own over the two of them.

“What’s up with the lack of sleep, Mr. Lester?” Dan asks. He scoots over a bit so that Phil will have room to sleep next to him.

Phil sighs. His eyes are closed, but Dan can tell he’s awake. Years of being someone’s best friend means you know these kinds of things about them. “I was worried about you,” he says.

Now it’s Dan’s turn to sigh. Despite the conversation they had on the tube, he knew Phil wasn’t going to drop it. It just wasn’t like his best friend. “I told you that you don’t have to be.”

“I know.” Phil opens his eyes and turns so that he can lean his head against his hand. He uses his free hand to grab Dan’s, laces their fingers together. “I just don’t like the idea of you being lost in your head.”

Dan pulls Phil to his chest at that. Phil tangles their legs together, and despite the fact that they’re both tall, lanky guys, it’s nice. Phil sighs a little bit and Dan can tell that he thinks so too.

They fall asleep twinned together like this, and Dan can’t help but feel a little bit bad.

-

Dan wakes up the next morning to his phone ringing. It somehow doesn’t wake Phil up, the heavy sleeper he is, but Dan groans at the loud ringing. He turns onto his side to look who it is. His mum. Great. This should be fun.

Don’t get him wrong, Dan loves his mum. It’s just that every time she calls, Dan can expect the same “got a partner, yet?” talk. Honestly, it’s kind of aggravating. It’s not as if he doesn’t want to have a partner, it’s just that getting one would require going outside and talking to people and meeting people. Dan much prefers staying inside with Phil and watching anime or the Great British Bakeoff.

Christ, he’s got it bad, hasn’t he?

Dan answers it with a soft, “yeah, hello?” so as not to wake his best friend.

“Dan!” calls his mum. Dan can’t help but smile at her voice. He truly does love her. “Did I wake you?”

Dan runs a hand through his hair. He grabs Phil’s phone so he can check the time. Half past nine. “Yeah,” he answers truthfully. “But that’s probably for the best. Millennials like me will sleep until one in the afternoon.”

Dan’s mother laughs. “Don’t I kno-”

She’s cut off by a groan from behind Dan as Phil blinks awake. “Dan?” he says, and his voice is so thick with sleep that Dan knows his mother won’t be able to miss it. “Who’s that?”

“My mum,” Dan mouths. Phil nods his understanding and motions that he’s going to the kitchen. As soon as Phil leaves, Dan’s mother is talking his ear off.  

“That was Phil, right?” she asks. “Why was he in your bedroom?”

Dan sighs. “He just fell asleep in here last night, mum.”

“Are you two dating?”

“No. We’re just friends.”

“Do you want to be more?”

Dan takes a deep breath at that. Does he want to be more than friends with Phil? Of course he does. He wants to be Phil’s boyfriend and kiss him and have lazy sex with him in candlelight. Well, that sounds a little dangerous but. You know.

But he can’t tell his mother any of this, because she wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be an angsty twenty something with an online personality where he writes fanfiction where he’s fucking his best friend. “I gotta go, mum. Phil’s made breakfast.”

Dan’s mum sighs, and he can tell this isn’t the last he’s going to hear of it. “This isn’t the last we’re going to talk about this,” she confirms. “Love you lots. Be safe.”

“I will. Love you too. Bye.”

Dan hangs up the phone and throws it onto his bed. He stretches out his back, which is knotted from sleeping with Phil on top of him all night.

Not that you’re complaining, Dan’s brain supplies unhelpfully. Dan resists the urge to slap himself.

Dan walks into the kitchen, where Phil is currently pouring a second bowl of cereal. Dan takes the first, bites into it. “Morning,” he greets his best friend.

“Morning,” Phil replies. He puts the cereal and the milk back, leaves the cabinet open. Dan pushes it closed with a fond eyeroll. As soon as he does, Phil’s looking over at him. “How gay does your mum think we are for each other?” he asks.

Dan laughs. “Pretty god damn gay,” he answers. “Just like all of our friends, basically.”

Phil scoffs. He puts his bowl down on their counter and gives Dan a look that means it’s time to be serious.

Dan sips his tea and braces himself.

“It’s stupid, isn’t it?” Phil asks. At Dan’s raised eyebrow, he elaborates. “I mean, it’s stupid that everyone thinks we’re dating. Because we’re not. Just because we’re secure in our friendship and sexuality and like to cuddle doesn’t mean we’re anything other than friends.”

Dan swallows his tea. “Right?” He says. “Like, if we wanted to date,” he swallows. “Like, we just would.”

“Right?” Phil asks.

“Right,” Dan confirms.

The two of them stand in a silence that’s vaguely awkward for a moment. Then, Phil says, “I’ve got an episode of the Great British Bakeoff on DVR.”

Dan accepts the peace offering. “Cool,” he says. “Let’s go.”

Dan ignores the texts from his mother.

AUTHOR’S NOTE:

Thank you to all the people who signed up to be a part of notdanhowell! It was actually so many people that I don’t know if I’ll manage to get everyone (I’m sorry!) but I’ll definitely give everyone a thanks in the final author’s note.

I actually really like this chapter for no reason. Hope you do too.

Please reblog to spread the word about my blog! Also, a thanks to @superpaperclip for letting me use their URL and sully their good name lmao. I hope I did you justice, Meg. 

Thanks y’all 

He stretches, and for a brief second there’s a moment of bliss where he doesn’t remember what he’s done. And then it all comes back to him as if in a flash of lightning. But he’s too sleepy and hungry to spiral. Still, he doesn’t touch his phone. He throws a glare at it as he walks out of the room for good measure.

He’s never going to fuck up like that again, that’s for sure.

Dan lets his stomach lead him to the kitchen, where his flatmate sits with a box of pizza, munching absently on a piece. Dan sits down next to him, takes one of the pieces and bites into it. Neither of them say anything, but that’s fine. Dan’s actually rather content with sitting there in silence.

Phil speaks anyway. “Do you wanna talk-”

“No,” Dan answers just a bit too loudly and quickly. Phil jumps. “Sorry, sorry,” Dan says. “It’s nothing.” Phil looks like he might protest, so Dan grabs his hand, runs his fingers over Phil’s knuckles. “I’m fine, really.”

Phil sighs. He squeezes Dan’s hand. “Okay,” he says and then he drops Dan’s hand and nods with his head towards the television. “Are you down for finishing that episode of Attack on Titan?”

Dan can tell Phil’s trying to make things normal so he offers his flatmate a thankful smile. “Sounds good.”

So they don’t talk about it. They spend the rest of the day watching anime and lounging about, Dan answers a few work emails, updates his queue, Phil chuckles at something on his dashboard and Dan looks over his shoulder to look. It’s normal. The calm before the storm, if you will.

Phil says he’s going to work on a video and he leaves Dan alone. Alone with Tumblr open and the notifications from notdanhowell staring at him threateningly.

Well. He almost has to now, doesn’t he?

His headcanon has gained more notes, but that’s not what he’s focused on. His ask box is filled with people praising his work and sending other ideas for headcanons and even full-length fics. He’s not going to fill them, of course he’s not, but one ask in particular catches his eye.

Anonymous said:

you’re such a great writer dani. are you going to write more headcanons? - abby

Dan huffs. There are plenty of amazing writers in the phandom, he’s encountered them himself late at night. Why would people care about his stupid cereal headcanon?

notdanhowell said:

no. i’m not a writer, it was a one-off thing, ta.

Dan goes back to reading through most of the headcanon requests. To be fair, most of them are domestic, platonic, nothing particularly horrifying. He starts on some of the more raunchy one, is on a particularly disturbing requests that has to do with ropes and Shrek masks when the anon sends another ask.

Anonymous said:

aw :(. It’s your decision but your hc made me smile. - abby

So that kind of hits Dan hard. He loves making people happy, that’s why he makes videos, that’s why he does everything he does with Phil. He knows people get enjoyment out of these stupid fics and headcanons, that’s why they write them in the first place. And he doesn’t have that many followers. It didn’t get that many notes. Perhaps it was just a freak thing.

What more harm could one more headcanon do?

He finally decides on a prompt from a girl called Amma which isn’t particularly scarring. Apparently she went to TATINOF as well. He almost thanks her before remembering that he’s notdanhowell for a reason.

shrekdanhowell said:

Could I have a headcanon about how D & P watch TV together? Thanks Dani, you’re the best! <3

Dan glances anxiously to either side to make sure Phil’s still filming his video. He can hear his flatmate talking to himself and sighs in relief as he starts typing.

notdanhowell said:

phil’s usually more invested in movies and new episodes of tv shows, so he tends to watch those without a laptop or phone in hand. however, if it’s the news, old episodes of buffy, the great british bakeoff or something he’s seen before, he tends to sit on twitter with his laptop. he laughs at things and occasionally shows dan.

dan, however, is quite guilty for being on his phone no matter what he’s watching. he blames the information age and millennials in general, but his attention can’t be captivated simply by a tv show or movie, even if it is new. this annoys the shit out of phil.

“Hey.”

Dan nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Dan yells. He turns and sees Phil standing behind him. “Give a guy some warning next time. Jesus.”

Phil giggles. “Sorry,” he says, but Dan can tell he’s not really sorry. He leans his elbows on Dan’s shoulders. “Watcha looking at?”

Dan presses post as fast as lightning and is somehow on the Google homepage by the time Phil looks. “Erm,” he says, because he realizes just a second too late that it might seem really fucking weird that he’s on the Google homepage. “Just googling,” he says, and gives a little unconvincing look.

Phil buys into it, though. “Cool!” He says, then asks, “watcha googling?”

Dan says the first thing that pops into his head, which is, for some reason, “how do mermaids reproduce?” When Phil raises an eyebrow in question, Dan rushes to explain. “Just like,” he starts unhelpfully. “Like, they’re top half human and bottom half fish, you know? So I’m thinking they can’t just,” he trails off.

Phil chuckles. “You’re a weird guy, Dan Howell,” he says. “Why am I even friends with you?”

Dan sighs with relief. “You’re also a weird guy, Phil.” Phil just smiles, but doesn’t say anything in reply so Dan figures he’s kind of in the clear. “Anyway, did you need me? Because I thought you were supposed to be filming a video, not scaring the shit out of your best friend when he’s trying to research the validity of mermaid birthings.”

“I did, actually,” Phil answers. “I wanted to know if I could use one of your jackets? I need to play a soulless character and-”

Dan laughs, “Say no more,” he answers. “Mi closet es tu closet.” He leans back against his hands. “You should wear black more often. It looks good on you.” Jesus Christ, he’s becoming as bad as the shippers.

Phil, thankfully, doesn’t catch onto it. “Unlike you, I have a soul, Daniel James Howell.” With that, he walks off to Dan’s room with a quick, “thanks!” thrown over his shoulder. Dan waits until he hears Phil leave his room and walk into his room with the door shut behind him and he turns back to his laptop.

He can’t afford to have close calls like that.

-

Phil’s video ends and Dan nods approvingly. “It’s very good,” he says. “I don’t think I have any constructive criticism in me for amazingphil videos, though, as a recovering fangirl myself,” he jokes. He knows why Phil does it, though. They’re always the first to watch each other’s videos. It’s become habit.

“I should send you to fangirl anonymous,” Phil jokes with his tongue in between his teeth. He presses post on his video and watches the horrendous upload time. He leans back in his chair and turns to Dan. “All done. Another successful amazingphil video.”

Dan chuckles, “yeah, don’t rub it in,” he replies. “I think the next time a danisnotonfire video is posted it’ll have to be called My Awkward Experience When Hell Froze Over.”

“Catchy,” Phil replies. Then, as if he’s just remembered, “oh, I should turn off Twitter notifications.” He reaches for his phone and logs into the Twitter app.

Dan huffs. He’s already on Twitter, scrolling through his replies. He knows there will be a shit-ton when Phil uploads, but that’s why he keeps his turned off. “I don’t see why you have them on in the first place,” he muses. “You know they’re gonna blow up your replies.”

“I like to see what they’re saying about me,” Phil says. “You should know, Mr. Daniel ‘googles himself for approval’ Howell.” Phil’s remark has no bite to it, though, and Dan knows he doesn’t mean it.

“Rude as fuck,” Dan replies under his breath as he continues to scroll through Twitter. ‘Dan and Phil’s secrets leaked! Click here to view now!’ says a sketchy account with a photo of Phil as the avi. Dan scoffs. Yeah right.c

“Anyway,” Phil muses. Dan looks up from Twitter to look at his best friend. “You’re not much better with your Tumblr notifications.”

Dan feels his blood run cold, but he tries not to let it show on his face. “What do you mean?” he asks instead.

Phil laughs. “Don’t play coy,” he answers. He leans back in his chair so that he can smile up at Dan. “I saw them just yesterday, running across your phone. There must’ve been, like, at least thirty.”

But the thing is, Dan had turned notifications off on Tumblr. For danisnotonfire he had, at least. They had gotten too annoying, it was the same reason he had turned them off on Twitter. But he had never remembered to turn them off for notdanhowell. Meaning Phil had seen those notifications.

Phil must sense that Dan’s spiraling against because he laughs and says, “relax. I didn’t read any of them.” He turns back to his Twitter notifications. “Don’t reckon I would want to know what kind of weird things you get up to on Tumblr, anyway.” Phil looks up from hs phone and gives Dan Concerned Flatmate Look 7™. “Or do I?”

Dan tries to laugh it off. “Just the odd meme or miscellaneous bruise, Phil. Nothing out of the ordinary.”

Phil nods. “Right,” he says, and Dan can tell he doesn’t buy it but Phil’s kind of a great flatmate like that and knows when to pick his battles. “Anyway, do you think I should move this clip here?”

-

Dan’s fingers drum against the keyboard of his laptop. It’s late but he can’t sleep, a strange mixture of guilt and curiosity thumping through his veins. He’s on another phanfiction writer’s blog, this time it’s someone named Seb, apparently, who has a photo of Dan smiling as their sidebar photo.

Dan’s fingers drum against the keyboard where he’s pulled up Seb’s ask box. He’s on anon, of course, and he’s written out a message. Fully awake, this would probably be a terrible idea. But he’s half asleep and has a strange mixture of guilt and curiosity so he presses send anyway.

Anonymous said:

what if dan fucked up really bad? what do you think phil would do?

Dan goes back to his dashboard, queues some things for danisnotonfire as he waits for Seb to respond. He refuses to spend the whole time obsessively pressing refresh, but he’s honestly kind of tempted.

Seb, however, responds quickly enough.

theaterkidlester said:

Hey!

Hm, interesting question! I think it would depend on what Dan did, tbh! (And I don’t speculate about rl Dan and Phil anyway, lmao.)

I guess we’ll never know rip

Dan scoffs. The one time a fan speculating about his personal, private life could have actually been helpful. He goes back to Seb’s ask, types out another response.

Anonymous said:

yeah but, like, what do you think would happen? isn’t that the point of fanfiction, anyway? Speculating?

Seb responds more quickly this time. Dan figures he’s probably on Tumblr now as well.

theaterkidlester said:

First off, the point of fanfiction is to have fun and share your writing with other people with similar interests and experiences, not to force your views onto two men who probably don’t even know you exist, lmao.

Anyway, I don’t think there’s much Dan could do that Phil would consider too fucked up.

Dan reads the response and finds himself kind of pissed off. Who is this person? The reason fanfiction was so fucked up in the first place was that it made assumptions about his and Phil’s lives, about their sexuality. Who were they to consider themselves, what had they written in the tags, a respectful shipper? Wasn’t that a bit of a misnomer?

well, he begins typing, what if dan did something really, really fucked up that he knew that dan knew phil would hate him for? and phil didn’t know about it but if he did he would think dan was a freak? and what if it was really fucking dan up because phil’s the person he trusts with everything and-

Dan realizes he’s stopped typing because he’s shaking and his eyes are blurring over with tears. God, he thinks, he’s so pathetic, crying over a stupid headcanon to a stupid fanfiction blog with a stupid sixteen year old that he was just trying to help out when he made notdanhowell.

Dan slams his macbook shut and brings the heels of his hands to his eyes. He tries to wipe some of the tears away, tries to convince himself that it’s stupid to cry, but that just makes him cry harder until he’s leaning his head against his knees and he’s hysterical. He’s hysterically crying over a headcanon. Gosh, it really must be late.

Dead tired, Dan gets under hs duvet, rubs his nose with the back of his hand, curls up into a pillow and cries himself to sleep.

God. How incredibly stupid.

AUTHOR’S NOTE:

Sup kiddos guess who’s wildly behind on his nano project if you’ve guessed me you would be correcto.

This chapter features a follower named Abby, the awesome @shrekdanhowell and myself, because I didn’t want Dan to fight with any of you.

if you would like to be written into a chapter pls apply here thanks.

boop boop love you have an awesome day drink water

A THANK YOU TO: 

Josie - my gorgeous muse, who I thank in every one of my fanfics even if all she did is said: "come on Seb, you can do it!" She's usually the one to read sentences that I think are stupid so you can thank her for the fact that they don't make the final cut. 

Diana - my bud who attempted nano with me this year. I've thoroughly enjoyed complaining about it with you. 

Everyone who I featured in this fanfic, including - Abby, Arijana, Nokire, Amma, Karime, Meg (their twitter), Bryce (his twitter), Emily, Liza and Nee

Everyone who did not make the final cut, including - Alisha (i can’t confirm that’s her twitter), Jess, DJ, Eleanor, Addison, Tai (her insta), @pastaphan, @thatawkwardgirlonyoutube, Jo, Maddi, John, Finn (her twitter), Cas (his side blog), Hyden, Hasini, Jackie (her twitter), Ellie (her twitter), Riley, and Jane.

The amazing fanfics and their authors I wrote in, including - Tori (Bliss) and Lucy (Tequila Makes His Clothes Fall Off)

And finally, You - no matter who you are: someone who's stumbled across notdanhowell and has yet to read it, someone who read one sentence and thought it was stupid, someone who simply read it, someone who reblogged it, someone who follows me. Thank you for allowing me to become a better writer. 

Enjoy.