Oh joy, the ask box is back! Welcome back to writing!
Could I possibly ask for a Ronin X Reader, with the reader being extremely nervous of experiencing their first ever Pride Event? Given that it is pride month and all I think it would be nice.😊
Thank you oh so very much for reading.
🌺-anon
we need sunshine
A bird who grew up in a cage can never fully spread its wings. But once the cage is gone, it can explore the world with a whole flock.
words [2468]
cw: mention of homophobia, transphobia, light mentions of murder & blood (nothing specific just ronin stuff)
since i didn't want to force anyone to be specifically genderqueer or queer sexuality wise i decided to go with something like e.g. "different gender/sexuality" i hope it's ok :]
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Growing up you never really had a space to fully express yourself, to experiment with your appearance. You couldn't question yourself, you couldn't try to think about who you are as a person. Living in a more conservative city you were supposed to fit in perfectly.
Just like everyone else.
Of course, there were a few exceptions. For example your very own best friend. An openly gay boy experimenting with fashion and changing his style every other week. He was the person who taught you about queerness actually. You learned what the acronym LGBTQ+ meant, what important historic events for the queer community occurred in your country.
And most importantly, you learned how beautiful freedom looked on people.
Still, your friend's life wasn't that simple. The grandmas who went to church every Sunday always sent him weirded out looks. Guys at school called him names and sometimes used violence against him. Girls treated him like the stereotypical gay best friend even if he barely knew any of them. The situation in his home wasn't any better; his parents argued every day ever since he came out.
Fortunately, your parents, as conservative as they sometimes were, accepted him with open arms and warmth. They let him stay at your house whenever he needed, they cooked for him and listened to him when he needed to talk to someone about the hard times.
This display of support from your parents made you feel like maybe there was a chance that they'd accept you too. Even if you weren't really sure what there was to accept.
But, that bubble burst before you could really admire it.
One day, after your friend had to go back to his place, your father patted your shoulder and said in a joking tone:
"Good thing you're not like that too," he laughed and went back to the kitchen to help out your mother.
Maybe you shouldn't have taken this comment so seriously. He was joking. It was alright. You were just being dramatic. You were blowing it out of proportion.
But why did his words sting so much?
You didn't let it show how much these words hurt you. How they cut through you like the sharpest knives until they reached your heart and stabbed it.
Instead of telling your dad how much his words meant to you and what impact they had over you. You decided to extinguish the flame of freedom that formed in your heart over the past months. If the people closest to you hated the idea of you embracing yourself so much, maybe it would be better to just stick to the safer option
And so, you continued your life as a regular, normal person. You didn't stand out. You were just like anyone else in this little town. Suffocating in this colourless life you led.
It seemed that your friend, the one who shone so brightly whenever he smiled, noticed this change but he never said anything. It made you a little angry. You hoped that he of all people would notice your dying spark and save it.
Save you.
But he didn't save you.
You were drowning and no one saved you.
You started to hate yourself. What's there to like if you're just an empty shell anyway? There's nothing worth noting about you, nothing that would make you different from the rest.
You couldn't stand it, so you ran away.
On your birthday you left your house and never came back. With some money to your name and a key to a cheap apartment you found on a questionable-looking site; you made your way to Elysium.
Maybe it wasn't the best choice considering how many murders happen there on a weekly basis but it was the most affordable option.
Your new life wasn’t easy. Your job barely covered both your rent and tuition but as you gradually started to receive scholarships it was easier to manage. At first, finding new friends was hard, everyone was so intimidating when you looked at them — colourful hair, piercings, tattoos and clothes you were sure would cause your death if your parents saw you wearing them. These people seemed so free, so happy in their beauty that even the idea that you could talk to them seemed unreal. You were alone in this city, too scared to approach anyone and too insecure to accept that anyone who talks to you is truly sincere.
Job, university and your lack of friends weren’t the only issues you faced on your first days. As soon as you stepped out of your new home to do some basic grocery shopping you realised just how bright and diverse the culture of Elysium was. There were so many subcultures. So many colours. So many types of people you’d never see if you stayed in that cramped up town of yours.
It wasn’t easy to get used to this. You were so lost, like a baby deer taking its first steps.
So scared. Like a bird flying for the first time.
But like that bird, you let the wind guide you.
With your own pace, you started to find yourself or the person closest to the “you” you were looking for. You’ve changed your appearance at least three times in your first two years in Elysium and you landed at what felt the most like you.
Still, there was a lingering feeling that loomed over you everyday. Something was missing. You couldn’t name it. You can’t really name something you don’t know.
(And if there was a thought of what that something might be, you buried it as deep as possible. A memory of poisoned words casting shadows over the small light that tried to burn bright.)
Years passed. You got a somewhat well-paying job as a crime journalist for one of the biggest news agencies in Elysium, you can’t complain for much other than some threatening messages every now and then. You decided to pursue writing, you wanted to share the creations of your sick mind with everyone, stories of a criminal. It was hard to get into the role at first flashing out the killer and all that. Luckily, you’ve got your very own Devil’s Butcher now.
Your muse.
Your boyfriend.
You were (un)lucky enough to fall right into his hands. You played his games, traded dares for dares and tried to lie your way out of not being a murderer. You didn’t win the game, you were never meant to either way, but you still won his heart.
Being with Ronin turned your world upside down. He was like a force you were never prepared for. He was unapologetically himself in the most grotesque ways. He fought tooth and nail to be who he is now and it made him even more beautiful. Ronin is so different from you. He never gave up. He never conformed to how society wanted him to be. He didn’t stop being himself even when the love of his life died and some of his spark died with them.
Ronin took your breath away every time you were together. He always teased you for it, called you an “obsessed little thing”. The way he carried himself was mindblowing to your poisoned mind.
There was also this feeling eating you from the inside. A green, green, green feeling. You’d never admit it outloud. How could you tell your own boyfriend that you felt envy whenever he opened up about his journey with transness. Or when he talked about being bisexual and his past crushes on men, women and anyone out of the gender boundary.
You tried not to think about it. Not to focus on the jealousy spreading through your body and wrapping around your heart.
It felt like you were the worst partner ever each time you felt like this. Which normal person would even be envious of their boyfriend for being himself?
You. But you’re far from normal anyway.
You tried to explain to yourself that the root of this envy was Ronin’s confidence. That had to be it. You were lacking in that department so you felt envious.
There were no feelings of being empty involved. Of feeling incomplete and lost.
Just pure desire to be half as charismatic as him.
Your past thoughts about your sexuality/gender possibly being different weren’t returning. You didn’t even think about who your past crushes were or how your appearance didn’t exactly match the gender everyone thought you were.
There was no unspoken question about queerness burning your tongue.
Definitely.
“Darlin’.”
You and Ronin were hanging out at his place. Blackjack laying on your stomach as you laid on the floor. Ronin suddenly came into view, looming over you with that smirk of his glued to his face.
“Hm?”
“Y’know, it’s Pride month now and the Stanfford kids organise a parade every year. Thought we could go tomorrow, give money for some queer kids who need it and all that.”
His words hit you like a bucket of cold water.
Pride parade. He was inviting you to a Pride parade. Sure, it didn’t sound like a totally big thing. Not to Ronin. Not to anyone who felt secure in their identity.
To you it was the best and worst place you could go to. Heaven and hell all at once.
“That sounds great, Ro. We should totally go,” you replied, finally. You were looking death in the eye with a smile on your face.
It can’t be that bad.
You kept telling yourself over and over again as you got ready for bed.
It’s just a Pride event. It won’t kill me.
You thought before you went to sleep.
It is that bad.
You were surrounded by people of all groups’ young or old, of colour or white, queer or allies. It was a beautiful show of how connected the community was even if usually you wouldn’t see it. People were singing, talking, some were even dancing. Most of the crowd had flags or accessories in the colours of their flags.
That did include Ronin who had the trans flag draped over his shoulders.
You felt lost. Almost out of place.
Every single person around you seemed so sure of their place in this life. Of who they truly are.
And there you are. A shell of someone who once believed that being different was okay. That those who loved you would be happy if you discovered your true self. Now, walking with those beautiful people, sharing their space even if you don’t deserve it.
You’re an impostor. A stray in the wrong place. This isn’t your space. You don’t deserve to be there with them and share this beautiful moment.
You don’t deserve it when you are fighting with yourself to suppress this longing to be like them. To question yourself and experiment. To embrace this part of yourself you buried under your father’s hurtful words.
It was weird.
Feeling this fear of letting yourself taste freedom while singing and cheering with those around you. Those beautiful people who made that green in your heart grow and grow. Your mind and heart were conflicted and you didn’t have enough time to actually analyse it.
And, maybe, it was for the better.
You could let go for one evening. Forget about this hole in your heart and show Elysium that you’re here. You’re loud and proud of who you are. Whoever that may be.
Letting go that day was the best decision you ever made. As scary as it was.
After the Pride parade you had some time to think and you arrived at the conclusion that there was no reason to hide it anymore. You’re dating the most free-spirited man ever. You’re friends with people who celebrated being gay by watching Vince kill a guy.
So, you sent Ronin a message asking him to meet up to which he agreed, not missing a chance to tease you, of course.
goreboy
missin’ me that much? you’ll see me soon darlin’ don’t worry your pretty little head
You tried to tell yourself that you’re relaxed. That you’re so ready for this conversation to happen.
And maybe you would’ve believed yourself if your heart wasn’t trying to fucking jump out of your ribcage.
Finally, Ronin and you sit across from each other on your bed. You’re avoiding his eyes.
“So, uhm, I wanted to talk about something…”
His relaxed demeanor slowly shifts into something more serious. His fingers absentmindedly draw shapes on the back of your hand and it actually helps you relax.
You start talking about your life before he met you, the details you never shared with him suddenly spill from your lips with a bitter aftertaste. You tell him about your childhood best friend who was like him in some ways now that you thought about it. Then the topic of your father comes up, his words that hurt you like a hundred knives, how they forced you into that shell of “normalness” of someone usual. You tell him about your first years in Elysium, how you desperately tried to find yourself to fill in that emptiness you felt.
“And then I met you. As stupid as it may sound… you ignited something in me. A desire to open my heart again. It was a really tiny spark, no match for the fear I felt whenever I thought about trying to see how those labels would fit me,” you chuckle.
“Then, you took me to that Pride parade and this small, tiny spark that didn’t really do much. It came alive. It started to burn so brightly I didn’t know what to do. Seeing you with all those strangers, celebrating who you are. Loving it. Cherishing it. I felt envious, I felt so sad that I couldn’t have it. It made me realise that I’m the only one who stops myself now. Those people who hurt me years ago, they’re no longer in my life and I don’t have to worry about them anymore.”
You finally look him in the eyes with tears in the corners of your eyes.
“I think… I think I’m finally ready to be who I really am. To try to find it even if it means that I’m different in the aspect of love/gender. I will accept it and love it.”
You never thought that you’d ever see Ronin smile so fondly at anything. There was pure affection in his eyes, a warmth you weren’t ready for yet.
“Hah, the bird is finally ready to fly out of its cage,” he giggles. “Good. That’s good. You should be who you are darlin’. Even if finding it will take years, I’m right by your side.” He ruffles your hair.
“I’m proud of ya, baby.”
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i still made it in time for pride okay!!!
i know it may be a little short for how much i hyped it and how long it took but honestly there were different versions and even this one doesn't go exactly how i planned it.... but alas!
i hope you like it, you who read it and you the anon who requested it ^^
i'll see you in the next one!!! remember to like and comment <3 i love to hear your thoughts <3
with love,
natan :)
