I’ve gone back and forth on this for at least a month, but have ultimately decided that I need a break from my tumblr blog. I’m not deleting anything and you’re always free to read/comment, but I won’t likely respond immediately. 2020 has been a difficult year for most everyone, and personally I have had to learn some lessons that were necessary. Even if they have caused pain. I thought I would share a couple that stand out mainly for myself when I get discouraged:

1. I need to stay in my own lane and work on self improvement. Looking around and comparing myself to others is not only fruitless, but also minimizes their experiences since I don’t know every detail. I am where I am for a reason and if I don’t like it then I need to figure out what to do to change it. Even if it’s just changing my attitude.

2. I am worthy of love and appreciation. I tend to assume everyone is put out by interacting with me. That I’m a necessary burden for friends and family. But I’m not. One of the most painful things this year was seeing a friend essentially say they didn’t ask for me to put myself out there for them. But I have learned that my friendly interactions aren’t the problem. This person couldn’t meet me there. That isn’t my weight to carry. I don’t know why they responded the way they did, but I learned how strong I can be within myself and I wish I could thank them now for the lesson even if it was painful.

3. Finally—no one is going to advocate for myself like I will. My mother can claim she is. Or my sister, but I know myself. I know what I want and don’t want. And I’m a big girl and can take care of myself. Even if people around assume otherwise. What finally got through to the married man wasn’t my mother’s disapproval emptied on me. It was me breaking down and explaining how taxing and painful this has been. I finally spoke up for myself. Or even in everyday life like medical situations. I can still be respectful even if I am insistent on what is happening and what I need.

I feel like in 2020 I had the highest of highs and lowest of lows in my life because you can’t experience one without the other. But for me 2021 is about peace. And not in the sense of ignorance or disregard. But of acknowledging imperfections, hurt, painful circumstances, and still finding peace. I want to strengthen my inner self and work from there.