#noruffles

Bethany!!!!!!

We blinked and it was Christmas. We blinked again and oh hey it's New Year's Eve! You know what the Doctor says about blinking... don't! 

It occurred to me yesterday that we don't have anything planned tonight... But I'm actually kind of ok with that. I mean if anything, it'd be nice to maybe have a few friends over, but that's about it. I still get to spend it with the boy, which is nice :) 

I was thinking earlier about where I was this time last year. I was on Blue Moose Summer Camp, a summer mission camp run by YD. I was still completely in love with all things YD. Occasionally I still miss that life (it really does feel like another life time) but then I realise that I don't miss it for the right reasons, and it's probably a good thing that I moved on.

I miss it for the vibe, it was such a positive, happy, bubbly, energetic vibe. It made it easier for me to feel positive and energetic, which I sometimes find difficult when my tiredness is dragging me down. I'll stop sometimes and realise that I only feel like half the person I could be because I just don't have the energy to outwardly portray how positive I feel on the inside sometimes. 

I miss it for the people. They really were very loving people. And still are, of course. But the thing that gets me is that I miss the way I felt around those people. I felt like one of them (I can never say a sentence like that without hearing 'One of us! One of us!' from Finding Nemo...) and I felt like I was good at something. I do well in Christian circles. I don't mean to say that to point out how fabulous I am, it's basically just that I have a passion for happiness and a passion for loving people, and the right skills to do so. I also have the right personality type. You know the one, cute and friendly and sincere. But I found that after a while, all of this started to go to my head a little bit. Not a huge amount, but enough to concern me slightly. 

The skills I have and the personality I have were given to me by a God who has a greater plan than I do. He has an end goal in mind that I can't possibly see right now. I was given my skill-set for a purpose, and because of that fact I can't possibly take credit for it. But when people are telling you how good at things you are after many years of people very very rarely saying anything nice to or about you... well it's very difficult to not let it go to your head a little! 

All this being said, I'm going to study a Diploma in Youth Work next year. It's with a Christian organisation, and it's likely that I'm going to be around people that are similar to those I encountered at YD. But it's a new space, and new people. I just want to be the best I can be and do the best I can do and at the end of the day still be giving the glory to God, because there's no way I'd be where I am without him, and that's not something I want to forget. 

I feel like some people were surprised at my decision to not go to YD again this coming year... but it really was what I believe to be the right decision. I had full intentions to go! I even had the registration form half filled out. But I digress. 

This year has been a weird year. It's been a tough year, and it's been a year of learning. But it's also been a year of good things. 

I worked a crappy job for 4 months and then wasn't able to find work again after I quit. I got sick for about 4 months (oh hey look, there goes my year!). Money was a scary thing because I was living out of home and only just barely getting by half the time. 

However! I got to see one of my beautiful good friends get married, and then later find out that she's pregnant and now expecting a beautiful baby boy in February/March! I got to MEET JOSIAH!! And his lovely sister also! It's the dream really, meeting an overseas tumblr friend. He probably doesn't know it but his friendship has gotten me through some tough spots in the past few years. It was beyond amazing to get to meet him. He's every bit as awesome as he seems, and more. I got to meet this amazing guy I now live with (holy balls if you'd told me that was going to happen this year, and all in the space of a year, I would have thought you were nuts!) and I am now blessed to live in a really nice little house that we get to make our own. I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am for this house. I feel comfortable and I finally feel like I have a home again, rather than a house that I live in. I reconnected with an old friend (hey there Ash!) which has been super awesome because she's legitimately one of the coolest, most talented people I know and she's so much fun to be around. I've made a few new friends and unfortunately lost touch a bit with some of my old ones, but yet again I feel like this next year is going to be like hitting the reset button. It happened once before with YD and that truly did change my life. So, I'm ready for it to happen again. I got to go to Tassie again and visit the absolutely wonderful tumblr people that live over there (and meet the very lovely Lara finally, which is good because now I feel less like a stalker haha). I even got to buy Christmas presents this year! It's something I've never been able to do because I couldn't afford it, but this year we managed! I got to be creative and print gift tags off pinterest and wrap the presents up really nicely and it was just a really great feeling. I just really want Ash's final part of her present to HURRY THE CRAP UP ALREADY. 

I guess what I'm saying is, even though I'd dismissed this year as a not-so-great one, it's actually been ok. I'm very blessed, and I want to remember that as I go into next year. I'm really excited for what the future looks like. 

So, a few thank-you's have to be said:

Ash - Thanks for always being there to listen to my ridiculousness. Thanks for being yourself, and for being so generous! My hair would look absolutely terrible without you, seriously. You've come so so far from the person I met in year 10 and I'm so proud and honoured that I get to be your friend, and that I've gotten to witness you find someone as amazing as Nick. You deserve to have someone that amazing notice that you're that amazing as well! You've fought so hard and you're still fighting and I know you're going to do amazingly next year with your art course. You're gonna end up with people in awe of you, I am very sure! 

Beth - You little ray of sunshine, you. Gosh I'm blessed to know you. I am so glad Sarai introduced us. You have the best sense of humour and the best outlook on life. I am so glad you're in social work and working at a place like headspace at the moment, the youth that encounter you there don't know how lucky they are! Thanks for taking notice of the things I like. I could have cried when I opened your secret santa presents because it showed that you know me and I can't describe how much that means to me. Probably more than you'll ever know. 

Sarai - You are an inspiration, you really are. I don't know how you manage to do the things you do, but it's utterly amazing. I wish words could describe how much it's helped having your support this year, especially because my Chronic Fatigue hasn't been super great. I'm sure you know how helpful it is to talk to someone who actually gets what you're going through. You are so loving and generous and I had such an amazing time hanging out with you when I visited! I love that we could just sit and watch awesome TV. You have EPIC taste in pretty much every freaking thing ever. 

Alana - Rough patch or not, you're incredibly brave and incredibly lovely and watching you finally find someone like Jules was actually one of my favourite things about this year. You deserve all the happiness in the world my dear, and I'm glad that you now have someone who I am very sure believes the same and is going to try his hardest to help you get it. I can't wait to hear about all the awesome adventures you have doing Praxis and living down at the Island. I love that we're in the same year because it increases my chances of hearing about all the awesome stuff ;) You're going to smash it! 

Anneliese - You're legitimately one of the sweetest people I know, and you speak with a God-given grace. Don't you forget that! You speak softly because you're whispering things right from the Father's heart. It doesn't mean you're weak. In fact, it means you're strong. Strong enough to listen, to hear, to receive and to give out. That takes an incredible person, and you most certainly fit that description. You were born for such a time as this! 

Anthony - Even though you'll probably never see this, I just have to say that you're utterly amazing beyond description. You're so generous. You're so crazy. You're so weird. I'm so glad I get to live with you. We've had a lot to deal with in the past few months with me being sick and your work stuff being weird and I just want to thank you so much that you're still here loving me (well... currently you're still passed out in bed but it still works haha). You've taught me and encouraged me to be braver and bolder (more bold...?) and to care a little less what people think. You're teaching me that I have worth (even in the little things, like encouraging me to buy $30 flats because they fit properly and are comfortable) and you add a ray of sunshine to my life. I love you more than I even thought I could love a person. 

There's a bunch more people I could mention but most of them don't have tumblr and if I keep writing I'll be here till next year (hehe). I love that in a way I get to do life with you guys here on tumblr. You're all incredibly valuable human beings, and I mean that with all my heart.