#nonmedicated

Darling, you did it. You somehow controlled me. How do you feel? How do you feel knowing you OWN me? You are in my mind 24/7 and I am simply a victim to your mental torture.

When I think of you and try to secure my place in your life, I use their blood as my tool and my pages as my canvas.

You will belong to me. You WILL be mine. You just need to realize you love me back.

Love me and let me love you.

Love me. Love me. Love me. LOVE ME.

What do you mean I seem distracted? I... I tied you tighter than usual? Sorry. Did it hurt? I just got nervous you'd try to- right... You haven't tried to escape for over 5 months now. You like it when I hold you like this? Maybe I could... N-Never mind. Nothing, what I was gonna say was weird.

Do you maybe wanna- Oh, you feel so soft. No, not in like a- I didn't mean- When you hugged me I noticed how soft your skin was. Your... you feel so nice... Oh! Sorry, I didn't mean to hold you that long. Fuck... I'm a mess tonight. Sorry, maybe I might need to... 

Actually... Let me hold you a little longer. 

Don't... Move... I said, don’t move. Let me hold you. I don't care that you can't breathe. Being around you makes me stop breathing and I think it's only fair that you know what it feels like. When I'm around you, I can't focus on anything. I can't think straight. You make me feel so... Never mind. Sorry I'm a little... Just let me hold you. I love you. I love you so much. 

My dearest angel. My last hope. My shining light in the dark. I. FOUND. YOU. You have no idea how happy I am. For so long I wrote about you. I sang about you. I prayed to God thinking about you. My Dearest. My Darling. You don't know me, yet. You don't know about me, yet, but you will. You will know very, very, VERY soon. <3

It took me so long to update my diary, but I'm happy I waited. No one out there needs to know that I found you, but me. No one in this world needs to know what I did to find you. What if THEY look for you? That would be... tragic in every way possible.

The more I talk to people in my DMs or my secret discord servers, the more I realize my conditions, diagnosis, emotions, violent tendencies, and my habits are merely an aesthetic to some people. I'm NOT REAL to people. I'm just a kink, a concept, a character, etc.

They don't understand us. They don't relate to us. They don't even like or respect us sometimes.

The moment you say you feel overly protective to what is probably just possessive to those you like, you're toxic. You're controlling. You "need to stop trying to claim people they don't belong to you, they aren't an object."

The moment you say you have violent tendencies, your meds aren't calming you down, and decide to take it out on people you know hurt and even killed others instead of accidentally hurting someone you like, you're an asshole who hurts people. You're "just lacking compassion and empathy." You're CRAZY AND SHOULD BE LOCKED UP.

The moment you explain that you are thinking of killing yourself because everyone hates you and thinks you're exaggerating having a fucked up past and health conditions, you're manipulative, and you should seek therapy even though YOUR LAST THERAPIST QUIT AND YOU'RE ON THE LONGEST FUCKING WAITING LIST

The moment I explain I just really want to not be judged because I'm this close to losing my mind over the fact that I barely do anything anymore and my life is a lonely living hell, I'm just attention seeking and trying to "be quirky."

I live in constant fear, I don't have friends, and I take Rexulti (antipsychotic) which I BARELY TAKE because my last surgery was on my throat and I COULDN'T FUCKING SWALLOW and NOW I keep forgetting to take them, all while being told I'm ugly because I'm fat and my face is fucked up.

The moment an attractive person has symptoms FAR less extreme than I have, and an "aesthetically pleasing" blog with no real feelings and just character ideas, they are loved, and wanted because they get to be the fantasy everyone wanted. I'm not a fantasy. I'm a real guy with just a shitty personality and a fucked up boring blog.

I am currently single yes. I'm looking for a partner who understands how I feel who doesn't mind and perhaps even encourages my feelings.

There's a few times I've been in an accepting relationship. My last partner was very treasured though she was an enabler. I loved that she encouraged me to be myself and didn't feel upset by how I viewed love. Ironically, she was worse than I was and I had to leave. She threated my friends and while that was fine with me to a degree, while she assaulted me, she threatened my mother and that is something I can't forgive.

I don't feel like outing myself quite this early to everyone, but for you, I may make an exception. If you really want to know, send me a non anonymous message, and I'll message you from my main account. That way you can find me easier. That is, as long as you won't tell anyone. ^^

For anyone who left me an anon saying "you sound like _____ on Twitch", I will say it's not Twitch. I have deleted those because I don't need to drag other people into my fun little secret account. Hahaha