#nonbinary narratives

The narratives surrounding transgender and nonbinary individuals are narrow, usually leaving out nonbinary genders altogether, and often parsed for cisgender individuals instead of for us. This column is dedicated to providing more, to raising the bar, each article devoted to a different nonbinary person getting the chance to answer some questions and talk a little about their gender and gender in general. To expand on the stories we have, on the ideas of what being trans and nonbinary looks like. You can see our past articles here.

This week we bring you some questions answered by-

Hi, I’m Butt! (Seriously, you can call me that.  I don’t really have a name right now.)  I’m an artist, writer, musician, etc who loves video games (mostly Dragon Age) and Star Wars :)  

How do you define your gender? I identify as agender.  For many years now, I’ve struggled to find where I fit on the gender spectrum.  I used to identify as genderqueer, then as male.  Now, I think agender is what I am.  While I don’t have a gender and prefer they/them pronouns, I am also okay with more male-aligned terms. What does your gender mean to you? For me, it’s the whole confusing journey.  I’ve always been questioning my gender and I never felt I fit into the ‘male’ or 'female’ boxes, so finally finding something I’m comfortable with is great.  It means I went through all those years of feeling lost and confused and came out with an answer.  It might change again in a few years as I change, but that’s okay.  Gender fluctuates, and that’s something I’ve spent a long time to understand. 

How and when did you realize you were nonbinary, what was that journey like? I remember about 5 years ago I came across the term 'genderqueer’ and was so surprised there was actually a word for how I felt my whole life.  After that, there was a lot of research, finding terms and communities and everything like that.  And then it was a matter of self-exploration.  Trying things on.  For a while, an identity would fit but then, as time went on and I changed as a person, it wouldn’t anymore.   What did you wish people knew more about your gender? That it exists!  That singular they/them pronouns are a thing and that there’s more than just 'girl/boy’.  It would be nice to talk about my bae without having to also explain gender at the same time.  It would be nice to not be scared of outing myself and having close-minded people disrespect me.   What advice would you give to people questioning their gender? Don’t be afraid!  Take your time!  It’s not a rush to find where you fall on the spectrum.  And it’s okay to change how you identify, too.  And whatever makes you comfortable is great.  Your gender is for you and you only to define.  You can still be agender and not use neutral pronouns!  That’s okay!  You can still be male and enjoy traditionally feminine things!  You can be female and enjoy traditionally masculine things!  You can be nonbinary and present as feminine or masculine or androgyne as you want!  How you present yourself has nothing to do with your gender identity and everything to do with personal taste.  Don’t let anyone take that away from you.

The narratives surrounding transgender and nonbinary individuals are narrow–usually leaving out nonbinary genders altogether, and are often parsed for cisgender individuals instead of for us. This column is dedicated to providing more and to raising the bar, with each article devoted to a different nonbinary person who gets the chance to answer some questions and talk a little about their gender and gender in general. Also, to expand on the stories we have, and on the ideas of what being trans and/or nonbinary looks like. You can see our past articles here.

This week we bring you some questions answered by Molly! They are 20 years old, a science nerd, and have a very adorable cat.

How do you define your gender? My gender can most easily be described as nonbinary. I haven’t had much of a chance to delve deeper into my thoughts and feelings on other possible labels, but I am very comfortable with where I’m at now!

What does your gender mean to you? Right now in my life, my gender is beginning to take more and more of a primary role. When I first realized that I was nonbinary and not cis, I started to use they/them pronouns alongside she/her. At the time, I was still pretty uncomfortable with myself because I had no idea who I was and no idea how to navigate the world of gender, so I was fine with whichever pronouns people used for me.

However, doing so also opened a door to an entirely new piece of myself that I hadn’t even met yet–a piece that I found comfort in. Using they/them and she/her at the same time made me realize that I am infinitely more comfortable being referred to as they/them, and that I would like to ditch she/her and feminine language altogether.

How and when did you realize you were nonbinary; what was that journey like? I realized that I was nonbinary when I first found a word for what I was feeling (so about a year ago) ((even though I had felt it all my life)), but I brushed it to the side and sort of said to myself, “I’ll deal with this another day.” Eventually, however, it was beginning to take a much larger toll on my emotional/mental health than I had anticipated, and I came to the conclusion that my gender would not allow itself to be hidden anymore, and that I had to tackle it head-on.

Being a few months into the realization and my transition, I look back often and wish that I hadn’t let it boil up inside me. It would have been a much smoother ride if I took it in as it came up. Even though I let it boil up, I truly believe that I got lucky with how smooth my realization/transition was compared to how rocky it could have been. (Hint hint: if it’s safe and you feel as though you can handle it, start exploring your gender as soon as you feel the need!)

What did you wish people knew more about about your gender? My main wish is just that everyone knew (and accepted the fact) that gender is a spectrum, not just one box for female and another for male. I think the world would be a much more creative place if people were able to express themselves wholly and freely without the fear of being mocked or erased or worse because of it.

What advice would you give to people questioning their gender? Like I said before, if it’s safe, start exploring your gender as soon as you feel it (whether if something doesn’t feel right, or if you feel like you’ve found a word/label that encompasses you as a whole, or even if you’ve clung to the cis label for your whole life that you’re now comfortable with it, but feel as though there’s a piece of you that wants to see if you’re not.) Gender exploration is not just for people who will immediately realize that they are nonbinary/trans. It takes time and a lot of discomfort and a lot, A LOT, of thinking and rethinking. Take as long as you need to. Take it in strides. And reach out to as many people as is necessary.

The narratives surrounding transgender and nonbinary individuals are narrow, usually leaving out nonbinary genders altogether, and often parsed for cisgender individuals instead of for us. This column is dedicated to providing more, to raising the bar, each article devoted to a different nonbinary person getting the chance to answer some questions and talk a little about their gender and gender in general. To expand on the stories we have, on the ideas of what being trans and nonbinary looks like. You can see our past articles here.

This week we bring you some questions answered by Ariel/Maya! “Hello website, i’ve been feeling very dissociated so i thought sharing could help or at least be productive in someway to someone. Id like to start pointing out english is my second language so, little vocabulary but also more simple words to understand my argument on such a complex theme. Im latinx, my family is extremely christian, Isolation is how i survived school and other social panicky situations, Im very small and have the babiest face on world, just some stuff to have in mind. “

How do you define your gender? I tend to say Im a demi boy which would mean my gender identity is very similar to the “masculine” side altho it doesn't apply perfectly to male spectrum, as in having some tints of other stuff such as “femenine, agender, androgine, etc” Honestly I think gender is just as it refers to “an identity” and just like personality there is no such thing as two people with matching genders, gender to me is a personal experience that is constructed by your own history, and every single moment and memory, every word you’ve heard and said has brought you to this moment in which your gender is “x” and yes, it can change with time and life experiences, just like sexuality it can be fluid and it doesn't mean you have “identity issues” because if you spend time questioning it then you’re conscious about it’s state, variations are not something you guide but something you discover by exploring yourself. At least that’s something i found out about myself. 

Also I realized I always have some tendencies to match the “male” spectrum but also have some “x” gender pinches, which ill define as the intimate, personal bits of one’s gender, I usually experience mine as androgyne idealizations that have no influence from the social construct of “genders and poles”. To be more specific I usually tell my friends I’m just a “very gay boy in a womens body”. 
What does your gender mean to you?

It’s the way I experience life, in first person, so just like in books, if the main character is treated as a “him” (i use mostly he/him pronouns) welp, the obvious thing would be for the rest of the characters in the history to treat him as a “him” right? also it’s an expression of my inner self. I live my life in a very artistic way and clothes are a very important part of it, but it saddens me to spend time trying to capture my identity on clothes that people will typecast as femenine therefor- she’s a female just because the world hasn’t showed them other ways to see.

How and when did you realize you were nonbinary, what was that journey like?

It started when I realized I wasn’t straight. I found myself having thoughts on girls in a very different way I thought on boys, to be more graphic: one has that inner voice we hear when we think of something, as if our thoughts were text  and our heads had a canon-storyteller which is the voice we are used to; Well my storyteller changed whenever I saw an atractive girl passing by. This may sound so sliche and disgustingly cis-sided but it’s prettymuch how I noticed. Time later I started posting some fics stories on internet but I wanted them to be anonymous so I used a fake name and well… I thought “why not pretend I’m a boy?!” and then people would give me comments and reviews as if I really were a guy and I remember so well… so so well.. the first comments I read (spanish is a very gendered languaje, every adjetive has the gender termination clarified such as “cute= lindO- lindA”) had all the “O’s” instead of “A’s” and it made me so comfy, so happy, like suddenly my low selfsteem took a break and would let me resieve directly all the good adjetives people were giving me, it didn’t happen when people used female pronouns but with male ones i could feel it, does it make sence?  and well it just went on from that point. 
What did you wish people knew more about your gender? LONG HAIR, MAKEUP, BEING WORRIED ABOUT YOUR IMAGE, USING NECKLACES/RINGS/WIGS ARE NOT FEMALE THINGS TO DO, NOTHING IN THIS WORLD EXCEPT FOR CONDOMS MAYBE?? HAS A DEFINITE GENDER IM SORRY BUT THAT’S AS STUPID AS GENDERED HAM OR CHOCOLATE. (u see, a lot of therapists argue i take too much take of myself to be seen as “he” so it’s too difficult for them to unsee the women in me (literal from the last therapy season i went) 
What advice would you give to people questioning their gender? Explore by yourself firstly, if you have nonbinary friends do not compare to them, everyone has a different rythm, a different path and different experience, not everyone has disforia, not everyone cries when being missgendered not everyone wants to go through surgery and even !!!! there may not be a nonbinary clasification created for you yet!! there are more nonbinarisms than flux, demi, etc go ahead experiment! dont be scared to be judged or be called a poser, fuck them all is your identity after all.

The narratives surrounding transgender and nonbinary individuals are narrow, usually leaving out nonbinary genders altogether, and often parsed for cisgender individuals instead of for us. This column is dedicated to providing more, to raising the bar, each article devoted to a different nonbinary person getting the chance to answer some questions and talk a little about their gender and gender in general. To expand on the stories we have, on the ideas of what being trans and nonbinary looks like. You can see our past articles here.

This week we bring you some questions answered by Robin!

“Hi! I’m Robin, I’m an 18 year old non-binary person. I’m a theatre person, working before I go back to school. I’m partially out, but not at work or with certain family members. I’m working on that :p”

How do you define your gender? I define my gender as non-binary or queer. I don’t have a specific gender and it fluxes constantly according to appearance, inner thoughts, mental and outer health. 
What does your gender mean to you? My gender is a sort of power I have for myself. I can be who I want when I want, not dependent on others to tell me. If I want to be a boy for a day I can, if I want to be nothing I can too. It’s a sort of hidden power for me over myself. It’s not something others get to decide for me and it gives me a sense of pride. Obviously there are days where I wish for a different body, and different clothes, ect ect but who doesn’t have those days? How and when did you realize you were nonbinary, what was that journey like? My journey into realizing I was nonbianry was an ok one. Mostly because for the longest time I didn’t know being nb was real and a thing that I could be. I knew what trans was, and that if I really wanted to I could be the “opposite” gender and that it would be hard but I could. But that definitely wasn’t right for me. I tried so hard to be a boy constantly, and it was hard. I cut all my hair off (which was a choice at the time that I don’t regret necessarily) and wore a binder everyday and bought men’s clothes and trained myself to use a lower voice. This lasted for a while. I went by they/them pronouns in public and he/him in private. I went through several names (Nikki/Nick, Chris, Alex, ect) before I settled on Robin. Soon after I found my name, I found out that nonbianry was a thing. While I had already been going with they/them pronouns, I thought that those were like a trial run for switching over to the new set of pronouns. I didn’t quite realize you could be just they/them. I found other pronouns xi/xer, zi/zer ect. Though I don’t use those, it made it easier to understand that I could be just not gendered. Which was awesome. Overall, my journey was a relatively easy one. I cried a lot, and got confused about everything, but it wasn’t terrible for me.  


What did you wish people knew more about your gender?

A thing I wish people knew more about gender is that literally ANYONE could be nb or third gender or queer or anything. Whether or not we present as femme or masc or something inbetween or out of this world, we’re still not part of the black and white binary. Don’t make fun of nb and other gendered people. Don’t shout to the heavens that someone is supporting all genders and how ridiculous that is, you’re creating an unsafe place for closeted and outed people, and people who are struggling to find themselves.


What advice would you give to people questioning their gender?

Advice: don’t be afraid to assert yourself. Make people call you by the right name. Don’t be afraid to call people out. It’s your name and your gender, others don’t get to fuck with that!!!

The narratives surrounding transgender and nonbinary individuals are narrow, usually leaving out nonbinary genders altogether, and often parsed for cisgender individuals instead of for us. This column is dedicated to providing more, to raising the bar, each article devoted to a different nonbinary person getting the chance to answer some questions and talk a little about their gender and gender in general. To expand on the stories we have, on the ideas of what being trans and nonbinary looks like. You can see our past articles here.

This week we bring you some questions answered by Alex: Alex is a white, 36-year-old nonbinary AMAB human who lives in the United States.  Alex prefers they/them pronouns but is not offended by she or he pronouns, although they do not like to be referred to as “woman”, “man”, “female”, or “male”.  They run RateTea, and also have a YouTube channel.  When not working online, they might be swing dancing, or engaging in ecological restoration through the cultivation of native plants.

How do you define your gender?

There are a lot of labels that can accurately define my gender, including genderqueer, nonbinary, and genderfluid. I identify as mostly, but not fully agender, slightly genderfluid between feeling mildly more female and mildly more male. I think my female and male identity are due primarily to socialization; deep down I feel agender or genderless. Because this is complicated, I usually just tell people I’m nonbinary.  I also identify as trans (transgender), and more specifically, transfeminine.

I use different labels though in different contexts.  Because people sometimes assume that trans means transsexual, and I am not transsexual in the sense of wanting to change the sex characteristics of my body, I am cautious about using the term “trans” to refer to myself outside of circles where I trust it will be understood correctly.  And although I identify as genderqueer, I am also cautious about using this label in mainstream society because of its association with sexuality.  I am sometimes perceived by strangers as a gay male, and the label “queer” is sometimes associated with being gay, so I’m cautious of using this because it’s important to communicate that any feminine self-expression people notice about me is a reflection of my gender identity and not my sexuality.  I am primarily attracted to women, and although I do somewhat identify with lesbians, I’m cautious of being perceived as “gay” because it’s doubly inaccurate for people to perceive me as a male who is attracted to men.

Usually “nonbinary” is the safest label for me to use and the one I use most broadly.

The narratives surrounding transgender and nonbinary individuals are narrow, usually leaving out nonbinary genders altogether, and often parsed for cisgender individuals instead of for us. This column is dedicated to providing more, to raising the bar, each article devoted to a different nonbinary person getting the chance to answer some questions and talk a little about their gender and gender in general. To expand on the stories we have, on the ideas of what being trans and nonbinary looks like. You can see our past articles here.

This week we bring you some questions answered by Noah Elliot!

How do you define your gender? You know the stereotype is “girls are pink & boys are blue”, right? Sometimes I’m purple, and sometimes I’m green. Sometimes I’m a Jackson Pollock painting. In other words, people are confused when they see me for the first time. 
What does your gender mean to you? My gender is a small but significant piece of me. It’s a lot of how and why I present myself the way I do. Sometimes it means the whole world to me, so when someone tries to tell me that I’m “confused” or “wrong”, it completely destroys me. On other days, it means less to me so I can shrug it off.

How and when did you realize you were nonbinary, what was that journey like?

That’s quite a story. When I was in the sixth grade (about eleven or twelve years old), I chopped all my hair off. Emma Watson looked cute without long hair, so I figured that I would too. I started wearing big ol’ t-shirts and hoodies and never put on any makeup. Naturally, people would mistake me for a prepubescent boy. When I was little, it made me mad because no matter how feminine I dressed, people would still have no idea about what I was. My most memorable experience was when I was at a park, two girls were arguing about my gender loudly and right next to me. That was the first time I got called “it”. Anyways, fast forward to my sophomore year of high school. I cut my hair short again and started presenting more masculine on some days, and more feminine on others. That was when I started binding my chest every now and then. I began to explore the transgender community, and identified as genderfluid. Junior year, I believed that I was ftm, and I was ready to plunge into hormones and surgeries as soon as possible. Now I think I’ve found the most comfortable identity, which is nonbinary/genderqueer. Basically, it fits me best (so far) because it’s so vague. You can dress in florals and ruffles and still be nonbinary, or you can don the most Manly of suits and still be nonbinary. There aren’t any rules. 
What did you wish people knew more about your gender? That it exists and isn’t as confusing as it sounds.


What advice would you give to people questioning their gender? Take your time! I’m still developing, and so are you. It isn’t a race to see who transitions the fastest. Also, be as patient as you can with cis people. Unfortunately, if you get mad they won’t take you seriously. Be prepared to be called names. It’ll all work itself out, as long as you stay brave and confident. Yes, constantly explaining yourself is exhausting, but as long as you can do it calmly and with a (sometimes fake) smile plastered on your face, it won’t be too bad. A lot of people are very understanding.

The narratives surrounding transgender and nonbinary individuals are narrow, usually leaving out nonbinary genders altogether, and often parsed for cisgender individuals instead of for us. This column is dedicated to providing more, to raising the bar, each article devoted to a different nonbinary person getting the chance to answer some questions and talk a little about their gender and gender in general. To expand on the stories we have, on the ideas of what being trans and nonbinary looks like. You can see our past articles here: Chris/Isabella, Andrew, Zoe/Rory.

This week we bring you some questions answered by Kenny, our first follower submission! “Salutations! My name is Kenny, I’m a nonbinary teenager and I think this is a really important project.”

How do you define your gender? I define my gender as being in between boy and girl. On a sliding scale, sometimes it leans a little more towards one gender than the other but for the most part I fit into neither the male nor female category.  
What does your gender mean to you? My gender is important because I feel as if I don’t have one. I do no identity as one specific gender and it makes me proud of living and proving other wrong when they tell me the way I feel is impossible. 


How and when did you realize you were nonbinary, what was that journey like? It happened when I was about 14 or 15. I started hating the fact that my body was so feminine and I didn’t know why. I just knew I had these things on my chest that I didn’t want, I didn’t feel like they belonged to me. I felt completely disconnected from my body. It wasn’t my body. So I did some research and found out about different gender identities and realized that what I was feeling was dysphoria. Once I put a name to the feeling, I could deal with it.  
What did you wish people knew more about your gender? I am not a girl!!! Gender is a spectrum and sometimes I don’t even feel like I belong on the spectrum at all. I wish people could understand what it feels like to live in a body that doesn’t match what you feel on the inside.


What advice would you give to people questioning their gender? Don’t freak out. I freaked out. Don’t freak out and wrap up your chest in ace wraps because it’s dangerous. Just stay calm and confide in a friend you trust or a stranger on the Internet. There is so much support available online nowadays. Please know that you aren’t alone and when I was younger I went through the same thing. Don’t force it either. Stay calm. Let it happen. Self discovery takes time. Good luck, the LGBT community is here for you when you’re ready.