#non-response

I sent a Pallas Cat chirping like a house cat and he replied, “I would endure the coldest places to feel your warmth. I would use my body to protect yours. Also I like cats.” And then deleted it.

(My reaction was: wait. what is happening? did I read that right?! lemme read that again. does he mean... what else could he mean?)

I try to imagine how I could have responded to this if he said it to my face. Not with anything coherent. I might have said nothing and just stared blankly and then walked away like it didn’t happen. Which is pretty much what I did by not answering the message. I could have said, “I don’t believe you. I know why you write. It’s a seduction. It’s only pretty words.” I could have said, “Wow. I can count on my fingers the number of times anyone has said something that lovely to me. But I’ve always been disappointed by the follow through.” I’m wary that any response could be encouraging or discouraging, and either of those outcomes could bring about pain immediately or later.

Understanding non-respondents better: Additional filter features for drop-out analysis available in questfox

Normally researchers tend to analyse the data of completed interviews. As we are integrating more and more different technologies causing drop-out problems of a technical background we updated the filter setting for report groups inside of questfox.

From now on it is possible to set a filter to a different completion status of the interview. questfox offers filters for drop-outs, screen-outs and…

Pretty fancy lookin’, huh?

===

I just finished reading some articles counseling frustrated wanna-be communicators not to jump to the conclusion that friends, family, and colleagues who simply DON'T RESPOND to communications are intentionally ignoring them. "Don't read into it," "people are flooded," "unwillingness to say no," "your e-mail gets buried," ... These are just a few of the phrases that these articles passed out with pats on the shoulder. 

But reading those articles just convinced me even further that our instincts are correct. When we send a text, e-mail, invitation, etc...and we hear nothing back, the reason that we agonize over is often the real reason that the person hasn't responded. We know our friends, our families, and our colleagues. We are not stupid. We don't suffer from terribly low self-esteem. Our instincts are right, but we don't want to believe them. In the old days, what could easily pass by unobserved, is today captured in stone, in a medium that we are trained to analyze, decipher, and dissect: the written language. I don't think that technology clouds communication; I think that it makes things clearer than we can handle. 

I am starting to believe that what causes our inner conflict and stress is not simply the rudeness in the other person not responding. (Which is stressful, because a person choosing to be rude to us shows that we are not high on their list of important people). But, in addition, the other person's silence opens a door that reveals a negative truth about the person - and/or how that person feels about us - and we don't want to face that truth. The stress comes from trying to deny the glimpse into the person's weaknesses of character, because we want to believe the best of the people we care about.

Technology is a handy scapegoat, letting people get away with failing to respond in a polite, adult, respectful way. Technology gives the bad actor something to blame, and it gives us a reason to believe the bad excuse. Because it so often is confusing, technology can easily confuse our trust in our own instincts. So we just try to simplify everything; sweep our doubts and questions under the rug and keep going. But the doubts don't go away, and that's how insecurity grows. Plus, you're learning to accommodate other people's bad behavior. 

The solution to the internal struggle is not to persuade ourselves that the communication breakdown is due to the other person being busy, or technology unfortunately interfering with a healthy friendship/relationship. The solution is to accept and admit the truth that this person's silence has revealed, and then decide what you're going to do about it.

I don't like to confront people about their rude silences, because I'm tired of being lied to. Most of the people I know are intelligent, accomplished, and work for a living. They know how to function as adults. They are very attached to their modes of communication: e-mail, text, Facebook...I don't know a single virtual hermit.

When a conscientious, intelligent, capable person genuinely forgets to reply, here's what happens: they eventually remember. Then comes the e-mail or text saying: "Hey, sorry I didn't reply..." 

So, I hate to hear people lie to my face about not having seen my e-mail, or having completely forgotten to write back until the moment I finally saw them in person and brought it up. I know that that's not the truth. I know that there is a conscious decision behind their failure to respond. It may be muffled behind guilt and excuses, but it's there.  

In my experience, confrontation often only has a chance of success if it is a superior confronting an inferior, and ends with the superior ordering the inferior not to repeat the offending behavior. Confrontation is a leadership tactic. When a peer is confronting a peer, usually what you're doing is backing your social equal against the wall and requiring them to make up a lie that you can live with. Saving face, so to speak. This allows the social circle to continue to function. "You're going to lie, and I'm going to pretend to believe your lie, so we can be friends." 

Unfortunately, I have yet to reach the stage of human development in which I can reap the social rewards of pretending to believe other people's lies. I worry that if I play along with lies, I will eventually forget the truth, and delude myself into relying on people who should not be relied upon. Some may say that a more elevated state of being would be to carry off the pretense of believing someone's lies, while internally holding onto the knowledge that the person's words are bullshit. I suppose that it takes practice. 

For now, I just avoid people whose communication sets off my alarm bells. Not surprisingly, I talk to less people through the Internet than I used to. But I've found the resulting increase in people I talk to in the real world to be far more satisfying. When a conversation is over, the person says good-bye and walks away. If they don't want to answer a question, they look down and make an uncomfortable face, and we both change the subject. If they get caught lying, they look panicked, and we get to the truth. If they are jealous, it shows on their face, and usually they realize that and admit it.