#nolvans

Now, standing in the ambulance bay, Dana blew out the smoke of her cigarette. She’d told Robby this would happen. After Doug had near broken her nose. He’d looked at her sideways as if she was crazy. As if she hadn’t experienced enough to know better.

And she’d been right of course. Another nurse had been assaulted by a patient. Another nurse who had to have been Emma Nolan. Emma Nolan who’d only been a few hours into her first shift. Emma Nolan who was probably put off for life. Probably, Dana thought. But, something in her told her that the kid had some fire in her. Maybe she wasn’t out for the count yet.

Smoke break over, she’d headed back upstairs. Loud. Overcrowded and constantly a mess. PTMC was all those things, but Dana she wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Weaving through the nurses and rolling beds, Dana made her way to where McKay was checking on Emma. The smaller woman perched on the bed, McKay leaning over her with her stethoscope.

“Hey kid,” Dana called, tracing her eyes over Emma’s body. Looking for anything McKay might have missed. “How you feeling?”

“I’m alright,”” Emma said, rubbing her neck. “I’m not a quitter.”

McKay nodded, and cast Dana a pointed look. “She’s tougher than she looks. No bruises, no cuts, just like I told you ten minutes ago.”

“Alright,” Dana laughed. “I believe you. Thank you, Doctor.”

Emma’s lips quirked into the smallest of smiles. “Dana, I’m alright. Seriously. I’ve had worse from my older brothers.”

“I bet.”

Emma shook her head, and turned to Cassie. “Am I all good?”

Wrapping her stethoscope around her shoulders, McKay smiled. “All good. You’re free to go.”

“Thanks.”

Cassie stood, and slipped quietly through the glass doors.

“How about we call it a day?” Dana asked, now that McKay was out of earshot.

Emma’s jaw feathered. “My shift isn’t over.”

“It was a shift and a half for anyone.”

“I told you, I’m not a quitter.” Emma said again, eyes blazing. “If it’s alright with you, I’d rather stay.”

“Fine,” Dana huffed, fighting the smile that tugged at her. “But, stay close to Donnie for the rest of the day, you hear?”

“I’d rather stay close to you, actually.”

Now that, she hadn’t been expecting. Gently, she ushered Emma out of the room, laying her hands gently on her shoulders. “Alright, come on kid.”

Emma stood, and straightened her badge. But she paused, turning slowly back to Dana with wide eyes. “Thank you for saving me”

Tightening her hold, Dana smiled. “I got you, girl.”

***

That had been the last time they’d spoken on the subject. Until several shifts later when Emma had quietly turned to Dana and furrowed her brows.

“I lied to an attending for you.”

Guilt tugged at Dana. She knew Emma had chosen to lie. She wouldn’t have blamed her if she’d told Robby the truth of it. That that son of a bitch hadn’t slipped. That even before Dana had realised what she’d done, before she’d reached for the Versed – she’d assaulted a man for putting his hands on the girl.

In fact, she’d clocked him so hard she’d watched his eyes roll back. So hard that blood had poured out of his smug face and Dana had watched him whimper and crawl away with a sick kind of satisfaction. Still, Emma had lied. She’d shouted the same reasoning to Robby. That he’d slipped. That they’d stuck him with a sedative and he’d bumped on the way down.

“I never asked you to do that,” Dana said, fixing Emma with a stare. “Wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d told Robby the truth.”

“He slipped,” Emma said, jaw set. Eyes never leaving Dana’s own. “That’s all there was to it.”

Right, thought Dana. She was leaving out the part where she’d stormed into the room, screaming at that asshole to let Emma go. In truth, she hadn’t even given him time to answer before she’d yanked his arms out from under the girl. That’s when he’d roared to life. Set on his own two feet, hands still reaching out for another person to assault. His wild, manic eyes had locked onto Emma. Which was precisely when he’d gone for Dana. Which was when she’d driven her first right into his face, and stuck him with the Versed.

He’d stumbled, and slunk to the bed slowly than she’d have liked, but Dana had eyeballed the dosage. Done the quick calculations based on his stature and sunk it into his shoulder right there.

Emma had watched the whole thing with panicked eyes. But when she’d met Dana’s cold stare, there was real fear there, yes. But, there was something else in those brown eyes that made Dana take pause. Something like conviction. Like humility and rage all at once. Since then, Dana had tried not to give in to the protective instinct that ran high every time the girl was in her vicinity. Like she was a child that needed to be bundled in soft blankets, and not a woman with her own quiet strength. A woman that everyone else seemed to forget she was.

“Dana?” Asked Emma gently, snapping her out if her own thoughts. “Did you hear me?”

“Yeah, I heard.”

Emma sucked in a breath. “Then you know I'm not backing down from my decision.”

“Alright, Miss Emma.” Dana teased. Though her chest filled with pride, and a touch of surprise once again at Emma’s bold personality. “I believe you.”

It had been three months since her first shift. As all of the other kids from this year had proven, they were tougher than they looked. Every single one had gone through a baptism by fire. Pittfest, the Ransoming of the computers. They’d had an actual fire a few weeks ago. Dana had been Fire Warden. Taking names and registering every patient out and handing the list to the fire department. Emma, along with Santos and Robby had stayed with the most critical patients. Those that could not be moved, save for life saving transportation measures. The fire hadn’t been huge, but it had wiped out the main server room and four of the OR’s upstairs.

They’d met up again in triage hours later, and Robby had given Dana a full report. Turns out, Emma had calmed a patient in the throws of PTSD. He’d been a burns victim, and the fire had prompted many a painful memory. He’d been noted as potentially violent in his chart, but regardless Emma had crawled in close and held his scarred hands in hers, rubbing soothing circles the whole time. Despite the smell of smoke and the angry wailing of the fire alarm. Emma was a saint, Robby said. She’d been brave and never thought about the fire or about the dangerous patient next to her or anything else save the ones that mattered most.

Even Santos had been impressed. That permanent scowl had been momentarily wiped off her face. She’d come to Dana the next day, leaning over her desk.

“Nolan kicks total ass, D!” She’d grinned, with a little more fervour than was necessary. “You should keep this one.”

Pushing up her glasses, Dana peered at the girl over her tablet. “Uh huh.”

“I mean, really,” Santos pushed. “I’m not one to give high praise but Nolan is the real deal. She’s cute and all, but she’s tougher than she looks.”

“You always rootin’ for the pretty ones, Santos?” Dana chuckled. “Or what?”

“I didn’t say she was pretty, I said she was cute,” Santos huffed, eyes darting to the patient board. “You know what, whatever. If Emma wants to switch to the Doctor side of town, let me know!”

After that, she’d been careful to keep an eye on Emma, but let her fly free most of the time. Thrown in the deep end of course, but she seemed to be enjoying it. Every day Emma waltzed into the ER with a smile. Not the same giddy, wide eyed grin that she’d sported her first day. But, a more muted, more grounded smile. Controlled, but still honest. She still arrived as she did every morning, in her denim jacket. Hair braided. Blue notebook tucked against her chest. Only now, the thing was overflowing with pages of text, notes and colour coded stickers. A few scratches and dents adored the cover. A testament to the hard work Emma had put in the past few months.

Some mornings, Dana found herself simply nodding ti the girl quickly before the morning rush. Other days she found Emma making a bee-line straight for her desk. And days like today, Emma was doing just that. Only this time she’d stopped by a Starbucks and brought Dana a coffee.

“Regular latte, two sugars.” She said, sliding it over.

“Thanks, kid,” Dana nodded. “But, this one better not have any of that–”

“- Artificial sweetener crap.” Emma laughed. “I know.”

“Huh.” Dana mused, reaching out to clasp her hands over the hot cup. “We’ll make a good Nurse out of you yet.”

Emma smiled, and shuffled over to Dana’s side of the desk. Her own cup of coffee in one hand, and the other reaching to grab a pen from her drawer. Her drawer that just happened to be in Dana’s desk. Next to Dana’s own drawer full of nicotine gum and cigarettes.

It had become their little routine. More often than not, Dana found herself oddly disappointed when Emma didn’t start her day at her desk. The irritated pang of a decaffeinated coffee was to blame, she was sure. Her mood always improved when she watched Emma’s calm and gentle strides wander through the ER.

“Dana?” Emma asked, voice taking her out of her thoughts. “How is Daniel Lewis doing today?”

Thumbing through her tablet, Dana took a sip of her coffee before answering. Savouring the almost too sweet taste. “Still in South Twelve. Stable. Pulse ox is steady, and his blood pressure improved over the night.” She raised a brow towards Emma. “What are you so worried about? You did a great job with him yesterday.”

“I just don’t want to miss anything,” Emma admitted. “He came in for minor delayed allergy reaction, and I wanted to make sure he got the best care I could give him.”

“Did you?”

“Did I what?” Emma asked, head tilted.

“Did you give him the best care you could, with the time you had available?”

She swallowed. “Uh - ”

“– The answer is yes, Sweetheart.” Dana pressed. “You gotta give yourself credit, no one else is going to do it for you. Know your worth, and don’t let it affect your work.”

Emma only smiled, and walked back to South Twelve. A pen clutched in her hand, coffee in the other. There was a slight spring in her step and she made her way across the corridors, weaving between stretchers and patients alike with ease. Tracing her eyes over the woman, Dana couldn’t help but feel a hit of pride at how far Emma had come. She’d done most of the evolution herself. Girl had that same fire in her than Dana saw in herself, but she’d just needed a push to strike the first match. Unfolding her glasses, Dana grinned. Emma Nolan was going to one hell of a Nurse.

****

Three hours later, Robby had come bounding over the central. Feet hardly touching the ground between steps. Lips pressed into a hard line. As his eyes met hers, she knew something was wrong.

“Hey,” He muttered, eyes never leaving Dana’s face. “We’re going to need South Twelve reopened for night shift. I’m heading out in five, and it’s the last room.”

“South Twelve is already clean, it’s good to go.” Dana slid her finger across her tablet, checking the status. It matched, reading clean / vacant. “Why you asking?”

“I was Daniel Lewis’ room,” Robby said, dropping his gaze. “He didn’t make it.”

Dana’s grip on the tablet tightened. Emma’s patient. It had been so busy and he’d been doing so well that Dana hadn’t even connected the dots that the body bag she’d seen be wheeled down to the morgue several hours earlier had been Emma’s patient.

“Shit, you’re kidding me.”

“Yeah,” Robby sighed. “Room’s clean, ready to go expect for the Nurse that’s still inside.”

“Fuck.”

“Do you want me to - ”

She held up a hand, eyes already peering down the hall.

“- I got it.”

Robby had only nodded in understanding and headed off to complete his final rounds before night shift took over.

Seconds later, Dana found herself outside of South Twelve. Staring up at the glass door, and the curtain that was pulled across it. Tentatively she knocked.

“Sorry,” Came Emma’s muted voice, followed by the sound of shoes scrambling across the floor. “I’m just finishing up in here!”

Dana didn’t wait for the girl to open the door, and instead swung it open on her own, slipping inside and closing it behind her. Sat on the stool, furiously wiping at her reddened eyes was Emma.

“You okay, kid?”

“Yeah,” She said, in a voice that tried to sound steady. “I’m just finished in here, so the night shift can have the - ”

“– Emma.” Dana bit out. “I know about your patient.”

“Oh, yeah I know, I’ll be okay.” Her head snapped up, eyes wide. “Please don’t worry about me, Dana.”

Drawing closer, Dana focused on the way Emma’s hands trembled slightly. The way her hair stood slightly dishevelled, and how her eyes shone a little too brightly under the clinical lights.

“Emma, it’s alright to be upset.” She said softly. “It’s part of the job.”

Slowly, Emma’s shoulders dropped. Her eyes lost that brightness they’d held a moment ago and she’d shuffled herself to reluctantly meet Dana’s stare.

“I’ve never…” She trailed off, voice shaky. “Lost anyone before.”

“I’d like to tell you it get’s easier, but it doesn’t.” Dana said. “It gets less surprising. You’ll get better at handling your feelings about it. Better at recognising the grief. Better and managing the pain. But, that’s the thing, it’s always going to hurt.”

Emma shifted, turning her eyes to watch Dana’s face. As if the answers were etched onto every hard earned line there. “How do you do it?”

“Thirty two years, kid.” Dana huffed, turning away. Feeling suddenly too exposed. “It takes more than it gives, that’s for sure

“I did everything right. I was checking on him, he was my last patient.” Emma explained, brows knitted together. “He was fine one minute, and gone the next.”

“Yeah.” Dana swallowed. “It’s a bitch. But you did nothin’ wrong. You can’t blame yourself for it. But you will, trust me.”

“So,” Emma sighed. “It’s always going to feel this way?”

As she gazed into Emma’s soulful brown eyes, something tightened in her chest. Emma’s young, hopeful demeanour reminded Dana far too much of how she’d been when she’d started. The Dana that had waltzed into the ER with a light in her that refused to dull. The fire within her ever present but simmered more than it burnt these days. The Dana who would have done anything for anyone no matter the cost. The Dana that would have vowed to never let this damned ER take every part of her soul. Every part of her kindness had come at a cost.

She wondered then, staring at Emma, how had she lost so much of herself? Was it the years spent under the fluorescent lights, the decades of santizer wafting off her clothes no matter how many times she washed them. Was it the bloodstained scrubs she’d tried so hard to save the night her first patient had passed? Every kindness had cost a part of herself. She’d be damned it she let Emma feel that way, too.

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