#noltilya

… doing an explaining/brainstorming session for the tapoti, talking about it to someone who knows NOTHING of my characters and their story…

it's. wild. apparently i can't answer something like 'okay so what happens to them?' simply AND in a way that feels satisfactory to save my life. like, yeah, WHAT happens to oyme!? sure, ey slowly accepts eir own mortality, as does syj at about the same time, so in that way in addition to the others, it's *their* story, but like. THAT'S WAY TOO ABSTRACT. WHAT OF THE CRAFTS. THE LONGUING. THE DECADES-LONG SILENCE BETWEEN THEM FOR FEAR OF BEING OFFICIALLY REJECTED. … also Thawaht rejects monarchy and wants to make eir siblig give it up too and make their home a democracy.

but like, right now, especially my *continued inability to JUST WRITE MY FORKING STORY*. why, brian, you forking stoopid brain.

like, i know why, partly. existing in the first place (with adhd, anxiety and possibly autism) is kinda hard in general, especially in the middle of winter (yay seasonal depression) even with light seriously coming back.

the world and everything is just So Much these days that my main goal is “get up in the morning, not go back to bed until night, don’t forget to eat and drink some water-based stuff in between”. i got used to go outside again when the weather was light and warm for a couple weeks, but now i’m stuck inside again so it’s mostly zelda playing to distract me from the strong urge of “this is all pointless and i hate myself let’s just go be miserable under my duvet”.

so, zelda works for the main goal. but since i’m awake and doing stuff, inevitably i’ll think about that story. and that’s a Problem.

i first need to gather the will to think about it. concerta helps, but the i also have Other Stuff to do. like, y’know, normal procrastination -_-

if i manage to *actually* decide to write, i usually panic and just mentally nope out right away.

if i remember to have some anti anxiety to block the noping urge, and actually look at what i was working on two weeks ago, i get stuck in the main problems of this project, and this is where i panic again and the hell circle starts turning.

it goes something like this…

- there’s Too Much of everything in there

- i need to cut down some stuff

- i don’t know what to cut without feeling like i’m horribly flattening the characters, and since it’s a very character driven story, that’s Bad

- bonus step: i don’t even know how to WRITE anymore, period

- extra bonus: i *never* knew how to write, i’m just rehashing the same thing over and over and adding bells and whistles (standard impostor syndrome, let’s just. try and gently ignore it. shush.)

- the usual advice to that is “just write everything and then cut”, which is. NOT HELPING. my “method” is long, slow, tedious. i need to *reduce the amount of writing i have to do in the first place*. because my process means that wether i want to or not, i keep adding stuff every time i write a bit of the story just to be able to write SOMETHING

- yes it’s annoying. yes i’ve tried not to. idk how. I WISH I KNEW

- at this point i just want to give up. problem: it’s not an option.

- since i know it’s not an option, i think: hey what if i got professional help? like, a writing coach. a co-author.

- … these have problems too: mainly, for the first, no trustworthy person i know is available, and also i would have to pay, which has its how anxieties attached (yes i f—ing HATE THAT ANXIETY don’t worry i know that kind of work is worth the price when done well) and for the second, WHO. WHOMST. WHO THE FORK would sign up to co-write a story i have entirely plotted out, in a world and with characters that are already so fleshed out they feel solid and real in my mind, and so would basically end up being a ghost writer for a novel (or short series) with a ridiculously massive wordcount and a completely unknown author? no-one that’s who. no-one has that kind of time and dedication for a project they won’t add creative stuff to and that’s not very likely to sell. and on top of it feeling Very Wrong, i don’t have the money to actually pay a ghostwriter.

- (also: no, i won’t ask chatgpt omfg i write IN FRENCH that’s why it wouldn’t sell! no i can’t write that story in english. i’ve tried. it’s horrible; i overthink everything even more. big nope.)

-  at this point, idek what i want anymore.

- fifo’s timing being IMPECCABLE as always, he pops by towards the very end of that big paragraph above, and goes “woah, you’re now flopped in the comfy chair playing zelda :o” to which i reply “no i’m ranting about how i can’t write :| ” and so he patpatpats my shoulder and since i feel like crying and don’t want that to happen i shoo him away. the whole moment does NOTHING to help.

- i know even less what i want.

- bonus: it’s 3:20 pm, and my lunch, a plate of pasta, is cooling for the third time or so in an hour. i’m wondering if it’s still worth heating up again. brb i’ll solve that conundrum.

- by “idk what i want” i mean: do i actually want to write that story, and share it with random people who might like it (yay) or not (meh) and maybe even be awful *to me* about it (yikes)? but what else could i do anyway? develop endlessly and seemingly pointlessly their world, and the story behind it being lost with me when i inevitably die? (yeah, all of us, sooner or later)

- at this point, brian the forking brain informs me that publishers would hate my story anyway, because a character that used to be a kind of self insert (and is still part of my coping mechanisms for stuff like, yknow, being mortal) is waaayyyy too obviously that and “urgh, cringe”. first, brian, wtfh, we are 40, we are trying to be a positive person, and “cringe” is IN NO WAY part of our vocabulary o_o shut up.

- so. i can’t abandon this project that is too big for me. i can’t write it either, because i have no idea how to make it smaller to help me cope with it. at some point i thought writing linearily and publish as i was writing would help with that, but… no. it doesn’t. i can’t write straight (hah) to save my life. sorry, i meant 'novel’. same thing though at this point. idek how to *cut down that thing into manageable chapters* they are all SO DAMN LONG WHY (also blog interfaces, for posting and reading, are… Not Made For That. and AO3 was no better when i used it to post a thing.)

- so, i’m stuck in limbo. another solution would be “read! read a LOT!” and— look. i’m not sure i have the spoons for it. i’ll try, with audiobooks, but then i feel like i'll probably just feed my impostor syndrome.