#nohysterlcs

So Jeff strummed his guitar while you doodled in your notebook, a sense of... dread, really, pooling in your gut, whenever your eyes would flicker up && watch him lean his head back, even if the songless melody of his guitar set a calm, comfortable tone. Should you do this ? What if you messed up ? What if, everything changed because you did exactly this ?

Stop, don't think about it. Just fucking say it, Jessie !

" I-I want to be more than friends. " It comes out a little louder than intended && of course your voice breaks at the very end, but you see him stop, you can see his face slowly turn a lovely shade of crimson && oh- He's taking some time to respond, he doesn't like you ! Crap ! Alarms are going off in your head && you're shutting your sketchbook, ready to apologize, but he interrupts your thoughts, ‘ really ? ‘

Of course really ! You want to point and shout, how could you not develop feelings for someone like Jeff ? Someone who always knew how to cheer you up, get you out of your head, someone who was always by your side, no matter how little or big the situation was, anytime anything happened you would call him !  It's always been Jeff !

‘ I'm cool with that... If- you are. '

So yes, the feelings that you had for him, they were once of pure friendship, but lately ( a little over a year or two ) you'd lay in bed, looking at the pictures you'd sneaked of him, wondering how it would be like for him to look at you && kiss you, how it would be like if whenever you looked at him, he would look back && smile, because he would know, he would know that the sparkle in your eye, it's not a common thing, not normally, but it's permanent near him, but now ? Now it seems like your feelings are returned && you forget how to breathe for a second, a grin threatening to break your face.

You're snapped out of thought, when you feel his hand cup your cheek, immediately leaning against the coolness of it, before big, chocolate orbs flicker up to meet his matching ones. ' Was I really obvious ? ‘ a soft laugh, not teasing, not like you always do, no, it's amused, " you have no idea how scared I was to tell you- You're a great actor. " Or you're the densest person on earth, because deep down, you do recognize a few instances where it had been clear as day, but you ignored it, fear of rejection blinding you.

But now ? Now it's real && now you're so close to him, you don't even think about it, should you ask ? Probably, but your lips are already merely millimetres apart, so you lean in, your lips touch, lids fall && your chest feels warm, it's liquid happiness, that's what's injected into your bloodstream as you kiss him, your hand comes up, cupping his cheek, thumb tracing the barely there stubble, skin warm thanks to the blush sitting at his cheeks, out of all the times you'd imagined being this close, kissing him silly, nothing could compare to the real thing. You pull away, looking at him with a smile you haven't really shown in some time, it reaches your eyes && shows off your teeth, you can't help it, he brings a joy impossible to play off. " You have no idea how long I've been wanting to do that, actually. " Count the stars && you might be close, maybe.

---- You'd been crying, bawling your eyes out, it was a silly little thing, something you thought you'd left behind in High School, something that you were sure you were mature to ignore. You love your family, you really do, but they have the tendency to speak their minds without thinking, without caring if whatever they said would affect someone.

During Passover dinner, your Aunt had commented on your extra helping of mash, hey, it was a holiday && you had been taking care of yourself plenty, you could let yourself indulge in a little extra warmth ( your grandmother's mashed potatoes were like crack, addictive ), you're sure she didn't mean any harm, but that one comment, " I'm not sure you wanna get more, Jess, honey... I see you're already filling out that dress, we don't wanna have chipmunk cheeks, do we ? " && After laughing && nodding, you decided to leave the plate for later.

That entire gathering you'd been holding it in, smiling, laughing along, having a good time ! If not for you, for your Grandma, she loved having the family together, so you were not about to ruin it for her.

You cried on the way home, parked around the corner, bawling your eyes out, as to let it all out in case your dad was home, you didn't want to answer questions about why you looked in pain, just let it out before you got home.

Coming home, a hoodie over the dress you've picked out, the one dress you thought you looked good in ( hoodie been pulled over it in the middle of the night, when you noticed you could see the curve of your stomach && how maybe your aunt Rose was right && you should start losing more weight, watch everything closely ), you saw someone at the entrance, at the porch, your heart skipped a beat or two when you realized who it was. Jeff.

Hands quickly moved to wipe at your eyes, they were puffy && mascara was smudged under them, nose a bright red, but you hoped he wouldn't notice, not when it's so dark out, " what're you doing here ? Have you been waiting long ? I had a.. thing with the family. " You're forcing a smile at him, when he stands to greet you.

Foolish of you to think you could ever hide anything from him.

' what's wrong ? '

Two words && the tilt of his head, the concern evident in the way he approaches you, tentatively, worried. He was worried, you were worrying him over the silliest thing.  Selfish of you, really, " nothing, w-why do you ask ? " You know it's obvious you’re lying, the crack of your voice gives it away && his arms wrap around you, tightly, securely. You let out a sob. " It's so stupid - I swear it's nothing serious, I'm sorry. " You manage to whimper against his chest, you really don't want him to worry over your stupid sensitiveness, he had so much more to worry about other than Jessie being Jessie. So why are you holding on to him as if he was your anchor ? As if, were you to let go, you'd lose yourself ? 

' Talk to me, Jess... Nothing about you is stupid. '

A sniffle. You're looking up, pulling away only slightly, wiping at the fresh tears with a sleeve covered hand, " I- well... My Auntie Rose said I was getting fatter- I know it's stupid for me to get like this, but she said it as if me gaining weight would turn me into this... troll - && then I realized holy shit I did gain a bunch of weight && I don't know- I just hurts, it hurts to be seen as this gross monster just because I'm.. fat. " The words keep on coming from your mouth, word vomit the closest thing you can describe it as, && even as you spill everything, his gaze never leaves you face, as if, this tiny, trivial issue, really did matter to him, because it mattered to you. " I guess- I guess she just got me in a kinda weak spot && it's pretty stupid but I just.. " Lips press tightly together, into a thin line, " I think you should have a prettier girl with you, you're just so handsome && smart && just everything to me-. " He's frowning. Oh no, did you say something wrong ?

He cups your cheeks, looking down at you intently, the weight of his stare, how intently he looked into your eyes, it causes a blush to cover your face, it spreads quickly, && the peck on your lips, sweet && short, it only deepens the color of your face. ' You're beautiful, Jessie, I don't care about your weight, if you're happy then I will be too. ' He means it, you can hear the honesty in his words, before you start to cry again, you pull him down for another kiss, it lasts seconds more, three soft words whispered into the air, for only him to hear.

It's the first time you tell him you love him.

---

You don't know when, but you've pretty much zoned out this entire time, fixating on the tiny little details of the latest creation, it's not your best work, but it's the most you've done in a couple of months ( ever since your grandmother died, you knew you had to double down on investigating about the thing in the woods, before it got to any of your friends, so focus has been on finding any type of info you could about it ), your eyes burn && you can feel a yawn threaten to spill from your lips, eyes leave the page, decorated with tiny details ( a sort of sketch for a bigger painting, a gift for the boys, their portrait ) && your eyes falls on Jeff.

You have to stop, manually remember to breathe. He's curled up on the couch, if your phone had any charge in it, you'd take a picture, since he's very much hugging your Squirtle stuffed animal, using it as a sort of pillow ? You don't know, but he looks adorable, it makes your heart swell with a feeling you could not describe other than, well, love. Slowly, with the stealth of a ninja ( not really, it's just the carpet absorbing any sound ) you scoot to his side, watching him. Deep eyes scan his features, from the chestnut color of his hair, -you could spot a few reddish strands, maybe even some blonde ones- to the stupidly long lashes his eyes were framed with, just slightly curled over his cheekbones, high, strong, he had the quality of a model, at least, to you he did, the shadows under his eyes only added to his charm, even if you nagged him about getting more sleep. It was Jeff's charm.

A smile pulls at your lips, reaching for him && his hair, now porting an adorable curl, is pushed back, if anyone else were to see you right now, or even walk in, you doubt you'd notice, right now it was only him, " hey... Jeff... " You hum, waking up is not on your top favorite things to do, but he's too tall, you know him being curled up in the tiny space will be actual torture for his back. He stirs slightly, you lean in, pressing a soft kiss, to his forehead, lips lingering against the warm skin for a couple of seconds, until he stirs once more, you pull away && now you're left looking into his sleep dusted eyes, a sleepy smile on his face. How many times have you gotten lost in them ? Incidents are in the five digit numbers, probably. " You fell asleep, but I'm not about to be responsible for your back issues, so- Let's go upstairs. "

-----

You're still a bit breathless when you walk out of the studio. Cheeks are bright red blotches && you can feel your bangs sticking to your forehead, christ, to be in front of such talented people, watching you audition, all of their attention on you- Amazing you didn't just empty your stomach right there && then, even if nothing would've come out, you were too nervous when you woke up to even take a sip of the coffee Jeff had greeted you with. You see him, leaning against the wall, headphones on && he's nodding to a tune you've probably heard before, has he seen you ? No, you don't think so.

The sun hits him in a way.. it almost makes you think he's the one shinning, not reflecting, his hair looks like it's made out of gold && you can see a sort of calmness you only catch a glimpse of in a few occasions, seems like in New York, even nervous Jeff could get lost in, you reach into your pocket, fumbling with your phone before you hold it up, a click, you capture the moment && he still hasn't seen you, he just looks... at peace, enjoying the scenery, students walking past him, not paying any mind, he blends into the crowd but still manages to stand out.

How could someone love another person so intensely ?

You put your phone away, making a mental note to change your background picture, hey, if the whole acting shtick didn't pull through, you would always try photography ? Even with your old flip-phone, the picture looked pretty good, then again, might be a biased look at it, given that your boyfriend was the main focus of it. " Hey - ! " You're calling out, running to him, a wide grin covering your face, " it's done ! " When he turns && meets your smile with an even broader one, you forget to breathe for a second, ' you see yourself as a Julliard student ? I can see it, you mingling among the art kids. ' To think, he'd taken the time to take you to the appointment && wait until your audition was over ? You're reaching up, pulling him down by the collar of his hoodie, lips meeting his in a tender kiss, it doesn't last long, pulling back before he has the chance to respond to the kiss, after all, you were in public, PDA was not okay, but you could always make an exception for him, " thank you- for believing in me, I dunno what I would do without your support. " A laugh, it reaches your eyes && forces them closed, hiding the tears that threatened to leak from warm, chocolate orbs. Instead you bury your face in his chest, hugging him tight, " you're amazing. "

----

You've already said goodbye to the others. Steph, Evan, Vinnie & Alex, though, keep in mind you've said goodbye about half an hour ago, now you both sat in the driveway, your car's keys sat in your hoodie's pocket, you knew you had to get going, before it got too dark out but you'd miss him, you weren't even sure if he was doing okay, they all felt extremely odd, almost... scared ? " Are you sure you guys don't need me to stay ? Cause I can, I'll just call my dad & tell him I'm saying with you, he never worries... " Though you already know the answer, it plays in your head before he says it himself, ' no worries, Jess, we're good. You should get some rest. '

A little frown. There's no way of changing his mind once it's made up, so you just take a couple of steps forwards, wrapping your arms around his middle, your cheek pressing against his chest as you let out a little sigh, " fine- okay. But promise me you guys are going to the Cabin this weekend. We'll just hang out, eat junk food && watch lame movies. " Your head tilts up searching for his gaze, " I'm supposed to get a response that day so... I wanna open it with everyone present. " You feel his hand at the top of your head, gently scratching at your scalp, an approving hum falls from your lips, " I wanna hear the yes- I'm not leavin' until I get a solid yes from you.. " You can hear him laugh. Thank god, you were starting to worry. ' Okay, we'll go, you can text us the address & we'll meet you there. ' A little pout, it would've been an even more fun idea to arrive together, but you figured you could set everything up before they arrived.

" Okay, it's real easy you know, cabin 4. Cabin with the raddest vibes. " You tease, nodding, but eventually let go. It's a couple of seconds, not awkward, it's your mind, it's racing, he still seemed troubled, but he wouldn't talk to you, tell you exactly what was wrong. " Mkay- I'm gonna go now, please take care of yourself, okay ? " Head tilts to the side, searching his eyes before you pull him down, gently, for a soft, see you soon kiss. You can't help yourself, for some reason, your body screams at you to make the kiss last, only this one time, so your arms wrap around his neck, his hands find your hips, carefully settling against them as the kiss deepens. A few seconds go by && you force yourself away, cheeks a bright pink hue, your eyes search his, noting the adorable flush of his face before you nod, " see you soon, mkay ? " He nods, smiling.