Cure#17
“This isn’t curable”
Thunder rumbled the sky and the rain fell shortly after. The rain was thick now and danced on the leaves of the trees. And I let my feet dangle over the edge of a tall apartment complex. I sat near my phone waiting for something, anything to wake me up that this hurt was over. That this all was a lie and wasn’t happening. I cried, and the sky did too.
“This isn’t curable”
I fell to the porcelain tiles of the living room floor. Convulsing, feeling nothing in my body but jolts of electricity that I could not control. I was both confused and numb and my heart felt like it was twisting in my chest. It felt like it was tearing physically but nothing I can do about it. If I’m supposed to die, can it happen already---- wait no, I can’t die there’s so much I need to do. Wait it would be fine...whats there to live for..wait.... no...wait yes!
“This isn’t curable”
“Fuck-- EVERYTHING!” I threw the glass against the pavement and watched it break. All I do is make mistakes, everything is my fault. This is all your fault! I opened another bottle and sat near the broken pieces. “Everything I do, is not welcomed....my pain not welcomed, my sadness not welcomed, my fucking feelings unwanted. What the fuck is this world you brought me into!?” Stumbling, I fell onto the asphalt and looked at the stars. Suddenly there was no building, there was no bottles, there was no car I drove, and I was home. I was on my couch and the lights were on, and it was 4 in the morning.
“The condition isn’t curable”
“The condition isn’t curable”
“Your situation is neither reversible or----”  Or let me fucking guess, not curable. No medications, no ongoing studies that can help, and no local therapists that even know how to treat this. I let out a big sigh onto my medical papers, stuffed it in my shorts and walked to my car. My second job starts in an hour and I didn’t even get a redbull yet.
“I love you”
Who said that?
“I love you”
Why does that feel different?
“I’ll treat you the way you should’ve been treated”
Why does that feel....real?
“You can tell me anything you want. You may be a little broken, and fixable, but I’ll still love you. You’re you”.
Well thats nice.... I’ll be with you too. If you don’t mind. I mean always... if thats alright.
“Are you okay? Whats wrong? Why are you getting sad?”
“No No! I’m fine! I’m just, happy you’re finally here. That’s all”
I just feel like my whole life has been so toxic. Toxic people, toxic habits, toxic situations and everything. And finally....finally things have changed. I’m changed. Everything has fucking changed and I can breathe and grow. The situation doesn’t need to be cured, I just needed a chance to be strong for myself again. Now I can really grow and be strong. Maybe always with you--- if you don’t mind.
