#nobushige

In the dead of night, death lurked these halls. Souls which should have been taken by the lifestream instead lingered here and roamed in transient freedom. It was not often his responsibility to tend to their needs, as they merely wished for frivolous things that needn’t his attention. Yet on certain nights, much like this one…he forfeited sleep so that he might secure the perimeter. To ensure that the most dangerous of these waking spirits were sufficiently sealed and could not escape.

And once he was finished checking each room, he made his way back upstairs and into the darkness of the manor with only a held candlewick to light his way. Yet even despite knowing these walls well, he had to keep his wits about him at all times. To listen carefully with all his senses for any trace of movement. Ever since that night…these corridors became even more lethal to traverse after sunset. His lord’s most precious pet was oft found wandering these parts of the estate. A slithering serpent of tremendous size…now uninhibited through death, its hunger could no longer be tempered through monthly feedings. She was always ready to feast.

René had no intention to remain out and about longer than need be. He would retire to his room until morning.

However, it would seem the fates had another plan in store for tonight. As he walked through the long halls, he came across an open window. He had first noticed something was amiss when he felt the temperature drop suddenly. Then he saw one of the dark hanging curtains billowing inwards—letting inside the quiet snowstorm…and an unkindly fellow as well, by the looks of it. There were wet stains on the carpet unlike the melting’s of the occasional trickle of snowy debris. They were more like the size of thick footprints.

Intruders were less common since the ongoing construction of the Firmament, yet…he had to question the stranger’s purpose for being here. Was it simply to find shelter for the night, or had they come in hopes of leaving with treasure? Or…

The direction the trail of footprints seemed to be heading led him to believe otherwise.

Kneeling down to get a better look at the wet stains, he noticed something else off. There was a faint stumble to them as well. Not unlike someone who was riddled with booze or other inebriating drugs. Yet…if that was truly the case, then he likely would’ve found their body out in the yard come morning as they like would’ve slipped on ice the way up. This wasn’t mere intoxication. Or rather, it was…but of an uncommon sort.

Deciding to continue down the path which led to the guest rooms, he kept a hand on the wall as he slowly followed the now drying trail. He was listening for any sign of vibration or loud stumble—aught at all that would give him indication of how close he was to finding this wayward intruder. And yet he heard nothing. Not the smallest of sounds save for his own footsteps.

That was, until he stood near the door of the only inhabited guest room. However, the sounds were far too obscure to make out simply from listening. It sounded almost as if…someone was mixing around a pot of liquid gelatin.

It would…be unbecoming of him to simply turn around and leave. Not when he knew someone had stolen about the property and was now inside the bedchambers of one of his lord’s guests. Even…if it caused his heart to quake in raw trepidation. He had never been able to forget that night. Not truly. No matter how desperately he wished it sealed within the deepest confines of his breast, he could never forget what he had done.

Knocking the wood frame next to the slightly ajar door, he voiced in a quiet tone: “Forgive my intrusion…” Then, he pushed the door open enough for him to step through. The room was pitch black save for the immediate area he encompassed as it was brightened by candlelight. It was hardly enough to see too deeply into the room, yet he sensed a presence nearby. Laying on the floor…where the strange sound he heard was coming from.

With each step, he felt his chest blacken with grime. This was wrong—the energy of this room felt grave and it weighed down on him with each passing breath. With each step forward, he felt as if he was lowering himself into a dark pit…and at the bottom would lay a coffin intended for him. He could still turn back, before he reached the end. Yet instead of pulling away, he continued onwards. Extending out his arm which held the candlewick. Wanting to feel the wood enclosure of his would be tomb.

And what he saw lying in wait for him at the bottom of the hole was a man. The faint light which but barely revealed his face told René only a fraction of the story which had just taken place here. From Nobushige’s lips and down his throat…staining his pure white night robes…was a thick mess of blood.  That sight alone should’ve had him questioning the reason as to why—yet his mind remained blank. He…instead, made to kneel down before him. His eyes calmly watching the dull, emptied eyes of the Raen. Blue, lusterless eyes which stared down into nothingness.

Nothingness that was in fact a fresh corpse of a man. His chest torn apart and bleeding out onto the floor. Their would-be intruder, as it seemed…

Nobushige knew that he was here, and yet…made no effort to respond. Which was…perhaps polite, given the circumstances. It allowed René a moment to process what he was to do next.

The man laying beneath them was well-built. They certainly weren’t disadvantaged—his musculature appeared at a glance well-built and trained. His clothing besides were richly tailored and unlike the tattered attire of those inhabiting the Brume. For what reason would he trespass another’s home? What reason indeed…

Bringing his eyes over to meet with Nobushige’s hand which laid on the man’s chest, he noticed an unusual abundance of red running down his arm. Setting down his held candlewick on the ground, he languorously reached out for the Raen’s hand. Caressing it tenderly in his gloved palms and lifting it slightly so that he might check for any injuries. “…Are you hurt?”

He felt as if his mind was lost in a false stupor he had yet to recover from. In his right mind, he would seek to rationalize the scene before him in quick pace. Yet at this point in time, he could not process the best course of action. He was unable to judge the man sitting before him in any capacity. Then he felt his heart soften. Nobushige’s eyes met with his and he smiled kindly…in a way that was neither twisted nor assuming. It told René all that he needed to know. That he was safe. Unharmed…and most of all, untarnished by this sinful act. That his soul was yet clean and not even a minuscule touch of dirt had sullied it.

That alone gladdened him. As for why, he could not say.

On his lips, that selfsame smile given to him by the Raen was mirrored. Death sat amongst them in this room, however he had never felt calmer than in this very moment. “Can you stand?” Nobushige responded with a simple shake of his head, no. “Very well…”

Taking the candlewick back in his hand, he made his way over to the nightstand next to the bed. Using the small flame alight atop the wax, he lit a triple set of candles to illuminate the room once darkened by heavy sludge. Setting his own light down on the table as well, he then returned to Nobushige’s side so he might help him off the ground. “With me, now.” Placing his arms underneath the Raen’s shoulders, he began to lift the slender man up onto his feet. Then, moving his hands over to his side, René helped walk Nobushige over to the bed before sitting him down on the plush blanket. During that brief moment of closeness, he came to understand that the blood on the Raen’s clothes had not come solely from the invasive pest laying dead on the floor. Which was perhaps why he could not stand on his own.

Now in the light, he could see it more clearly. The hole which had ripped through the Raen’s silks and drove deep into the space under his left shoulder. If not for the knife he now noticed resting on the bed behind the Raen’s back, he would’ve doubted the plausibility of such a wound. It was far too wide to have been made by such a meager tool, and yet…if Nobushige hadn’t considered the injury—or assault itself—painful…what would’ve stopped his assailant from abusing the cut further?

In any case, it needed immediate treatment. Calling for the chirurgeon would take too long, and he already knew this room had been supplied with a medical kit. He would have to handle it himself.

And in a matter of seconds, René would have the kit placed on the bed by his side as he rolled up his sleeves and made to sanitize his hands. Peeling away the thin layer of clothes which concealed the Raen’s shoulder, he then started prepping his tools. Blood loss had kept the man from standing up on his own earlier, not the agony of such a wound. He realized that as he cleaned the gash and sub-sequentially made to stitch the hole closed. Nobushige did not flinch, nor make the smallest sound of discomfort. No, they remained in silence for the entire procedure. It was only after he had finished and closed the kit back up did he think to speak. Even then…he couldn’t quite will himself to break this quiet scene.

Instead, he wished to confirm something. A vague theory which came to him as he patched up the unwavering Raen and fought against the dim light to keep his focus. Before proving it though, he first made to wipe away the blood from the other man’s face. With a clean handkerchief he kept in his pocket, he gently rubbed the grime gone until all that was left was the delicate expression of someone who stared at him in gratuity.

He should be scared. This was entirely out of line for someone of his rank. The anxiety that should’ve swelled in his heart somehow never came to be—his heart instead turned soft when he understood from the start that the reason he did not question the grotesque scene he interrupted with upset was because he knew he was at peace. In the passionless eyes of the serene Raen, he felt his doubts quelled and resolve mended from the very second he walked into the room and saw him there on the ground.

It wasn’t the familiarity of violence which tamed him—rather…the unusual thinking that it was somehow beautiful and not a vile display of cruelty. That divine grace possessed this man and refined elegance alike. This wasn’t a room contaminated by rot and filth, but instead one rich with decency. Thus the hesitance which should have gripped him did not come.

Bringing his hand to the Raen’s scaled cheek, he leaned into the man and quietly kissed him once before pulling away and letting his hand sink. He was right. He had already been forgiven. Or perhaps…he had done nothing to which the Raen would think to give blame. Nobushige’s heart was unlike his—unlike any he had ever met. It could take on any measure of sin and yet still resonate pure white light. As if it hadn’t been touched at all…

The lack of response from him proved it. Nobushige’s desires were not of this plane. He stood above all the pitiful souls which flooded this world with their dirt. And yet, like a god…he would accept their impurities even so and forgive them their baseness.

Comforted by this ideal…René set about to clean up his mess. With the medical supplies now stored away again, the butler refastened his gloves onto his hands and dropped to his knees before the corpse which now began to stink. “I will dispose of the body and return to clean the blood promptly.” He said, making to lift the putrid thing into his arms and carry it off.

Half expecting to leave in silence, René paused when he heard the harmonious whisper of the Raen call out to him. “No…I am expecting another shortly. Someone…important to me. I would bid a moment of privacy.” Another…at this hour? He didn’t know what to expect, but it would be impolite of him to inquire further.

“It shall be as you request. By your leave…”

Making away with the body, he pondered his options of disposal. Only one would be appropriate…however…he questioned another possibility out of selfish want. To feed the abhorrent remains of the man to the creature which lurked through these halls and be rid of him entirely…in foolish desire he might once again chance upon such a precious scene.

He rarely stayed the night…yet the very few times he did, he seemed almost sick.

Like when my brother came down with a cold and acted frustrated as he rubbed at his nose. When his body quaked with abnormal shivers and he needed more food than usual.

Only, the Xaela sleeping before me wasn’t riddled with congestion or hot fever. Ietasu acted no differently than normal when he had been awake, however now that he was laying down asleep, he twitched and mumbled as if something was wrong. I was curious. If it was a nightmare, then would giving him a reassuring pat on the head work the same as it did for Nozaki?

The few times in which my brother had fallen ill…he told me that he recovered only because of my smiling face. Would it be the same for Ietasu too?

“Hmm…” I hummed in quiet thought.

Sitting behind Ietasu’s head, I rationed otherwise. He was nothing like my brother. He only seemed to be motivated by acts of self-betterment. Touch likely wouldn’t do anything for him. Nor would my smile. But right now, he was sleeping. It wasn’t as though I could show him how far I had gotten in the book he gave me nor could I impress him with how well I was learning how to write. And yet, I knew I had to do something for him. I needed him, after all. Whilst my brother was getting rather adept at finding us food, Ietasu was far more skilled at securing us both resources and rations. He also knew how to tend to the many injuries my brother often came home with.

If one day Ietasu had no incentive to leave and find work—nor to come back after he was done…I knew we wouldn’t last very long on our own. That was where I came in. That was my role to play here—not just for him, but for my brother as well. I had to keep them both sufficiently inspired to provide for me. To go out and face the world they thought so evil every day. To ensure that this place which kept me protected from it all was always considered someplace safe in their eyes.

There weren’t many options for me to choose from though. Ietasu surely wouldn’t appreciate me touching him, but at the moment, there was nothing else which came to mind. Until, I thought about it again and made to reach out for the dictionary he gave me long ago. It was the very first book he ever brought back. It was the only book I ever had until just recently, actually. I remembered that he used to praise me whenever I read out a word correctly when I was even smaller than I am now. Perhaps this would help to settle him down instead.

 ----

 “Benighted –

– In a state of pitiful or contemptible intellectual or moral ignorance, typically owing to a lack of opportunity.”

My wrists shook with unwilling voracity. They wanted to contort themselves in all manners of uncomfortable positions, and yet my brain fought the urge. I was getting better at this, I thought. I had been getting better at this, at least…

At…supressing the urge to fight back.

I couldn’t think about wanting to kill the very person who allowed me to give that child comfort. No matter how much I hated it, I couldn’t dare allow myself the chance to think that I had any capacity for violence. I couldn’t fight back. And that’s why my wrists vibrated with a controlled rage. Even if he made me touch him, I bit back the want to press my nails into his flesh.

One day, it’d truly break me. My mind would be rendered blank and empty. My consciousness repeated that known reality over and over again in my head as if it’d make the desire to strive for freedom ever stronger.

But no matter what, I’d never give into it.

“Benign –“

By surrendering completely to this fate of mine, I would still be paving the road for something better. I would be…giving freedom to another. In that tiny child I placed all of my hopes and ambitions. All my knowledge and skills…all of me. If by denying my heart its troublesome beat meant that he could escape this place and live happily then it would all be worth it.

I could find peace in this eroding darkness simply by giving way to that one thought.

I would let myself mean nothing…so that he can grow to become everything.

“Benevolent –“

Ultimately, I was afraid. My body was getting older and with it, I knew I would have to find others to rely on for sustenance. He was swiftly becoming more disinterested in me, and before long he’d see me as nothing more than a pitiful charity case he’d happily slam the door on. It would be dangerous, but I couldn’t let that fear stop me. I had to shut it off. Make those grim thought disappear before they too began to eat away at my mind.

I had to live. I had no other choice.

Every day I grew a step closer to the person I wanted most to be. An empty, hollow husk. A shadow, hidden in the darkness and without a heart. Something that could scarcely even be considered a person.

A thing.

All my person-esque traits passed onto someone else far more deserving.

It had to be this way. It was the only thing that gave me purpose. My reason to live.

 ----

 Rare were the nights in which he went out, save at my request. His guilt serving as both cage and key.

Ever since that incident, I had been confined to my bed—but so long as he continued to serve me, I lamented the freedom none. My body was still too weak to function normally. Yet even if I was able to stand and care for myself, I knew he wouldn’t permit it. Not when he knew so intimately what it meant mine doing.

Years back, when I was a child…I never would’ve considered Ietasu to be one to coddle. However, he has recently proven my assumption wrong. And the reason behind it? It was rather simple. He knew that he had failed me gravely and that there was nothing he could do to fix it. All he could do…was delay the inevitable.

A part of me reached the conclusion that he needed to be coddled in due turn. That he couldn’t possibly go on like this and that it would be morally rude to not show him affection. But the other part of me knew that he wanted anything but. He was something which lacked the key-traits any other person should have. He wanted to be treated as if he was worth nothing at all. If I showed him any compassion, he would likely shatter into pieces before me.

That wasn’t to say he was a fragile person. No, anything but. It was merely a power unique to me alone. At any moment, with naught but a single touch of my hand…I could easily destroy him. Because I was his everything. And he could never forgive himself if I so much as thought of him as something deserving of my consideration.

All I could do was continue taking more and more from him. Until naught remained but a shard of bone. To give him anything in return would be disingenuous and inexcusably cruel.

And yet I worried. One day…I knew that he would leave me and never return. That by no fault of my own, I would lose him and he would begin to change and move on with his life. I worried only because I knew naught the true depths of my heart. It would be right to let him do so. I knew that. At the same time however, I wanted to call out to him and touch him with my hand. Breaking him…and keeping him by my side forever.

He belonged to me. Why should I let him go?

Because it was the right thing to do?

Because freedom is so wonderful a thing?

Is it really, though?

Isn’t…belonging to another, completely and perfectly…even more beautiful than being free?

 ----

 Loving someone—there couldn’t be anything more painful than that. If only I had snuffed those initial feelings out the moment they were realized, none of this would’ve ever happened. Nobushige would’ve had a future, and I wouldn’t have to blame myself for being the one who took it away.

Whilst there was much and more that I had done wrong besides, ‘love’ was no doubt the worst of my crimes. Even though it was only for a brief period of time, the wounds left behind would never close. They would ache and stretch wider so as to accommodate every new sin I was made to endure. This was to be my punishment and tribute.

I had to protect him from becoming even further tarnished. That he lost his eyes and subsequent life to the spirit now living in his heart was no one’s fault but my own. If I could save what remained of his innocence by hunting for him now, then at the very least he wouldn’t lose his way. He would still be the same boy I provided for since he was but an infant. The given meal now very different from plain bread and water.

As he slept, I watched over him. His breathing was slow and infrequent—his skin turning whiter by the day. It wouldn't be long until his insides were reduced to waste. Knowing how the same spirit which infected him now affected Shinza, I was not unfamiliar with seeing him in such a state. The difference between the two men being that for one, I took full responsibility for, and the other was wholly independent. Shinza had the ability to take care of his own needs, and Nobushige did not. Rather, that I wouldn’t allow him to in understanding that it would prove I failed him utterly from the very beginning.

What he required now however, was out of the question. I only had to work harder to help him regain a modicum of strength. If it meant I had to take more lives in order to prevent ‘that’ from happening, I would have to do whatever it took.

Looking upon his white face, I understood why exactly Nozaki tried to fight me so hard when it came to keeping him weak and ignorant. If for any reason I became unable to tend to his every need, he…had the option of helping himself. What would he become if he did…? Would he still look this pure and gentle? I didn’t want to know the answer to that question.

He should just stay as he is now. Sleeping and unaware. That would be for the best.

A part of him was still the boy I knew him as. No matter how minuscule or diminished that part had now become, he was still here, somewhere. And whilst Red slept in my bed, his tiny body squirming and covered in sweat, I was reminded of one of the last times I saw Xah. He had his own fears…his own challenges to overcome. However, for the time being, they had taken the backseat to whatever new problems the personality in control of his body was now facing. Red was having a nightmare.

I had only met him this same afternoon, and yet he treated me as if I had been with him as his brother his whole life through. Likely a shared, disillusioned memory that had come from the boy prior. Even though I knew it wasn’t true, I had no intention of letting him face this alone. I would save him, and give him a moment’s reprieve. A lifetime’s worth, were that possible. I felt responsible for his livelihood, as it was due to my own failure which led to this outcome.

But I knew not how to care for a suffering child beyond resting my hand atop his forehead…gently moving his hair to the side. Rather, it was my unlikely companion who truly gave him comfort instead. At my touch, Honozuka began to walk in from the hallway, humming an unfamiliar tune. She seemed so natural at it that I was slightly stunned. Sitting now against the bed and on the floor, she continued her quiet song even after Red began to settle down. She continued…maybe because she saw the effect it had on me also.