#ietasu

Had he made it to a chirurgeon last night..? Unable to remember much of the night previous, Ietasu laid with his thoughts for a time. The pain was still there—but rather than feeling the cold stone beneath him, he felt a soft mattress and a cushion under his head. As he slowly began to regain his senses, he realized he was somewhere with children. He heard the sounds of young voices bantering amongst themselves…and the voice of a woman hushing them as light gradually poured in through his opening eyelids. And then, he felt pressure being applied to the bed in which he assumedly laid. Little hands pressing down as they watched him awaken.

“…Shh, he’s waking up!” He heard the feminine voice whisper overhead. The first thing he saw when he awoke were her blue eyes—and the faces of two young boys looking at him in awe.

“Woah…they’re all black!” One of the boys gossiped to the other who nodded his head in innocent wonder. The three of them each with a head of ginger. “Cool…”

The blue-eyed woman then made to bat her hand at the two boys at their comments. “Now, now, you’re in the way. Let’s let him adjust first, okay?” As if their interest suddenly faded, they quickly hopped off of the bed in a hurry and went back to playing games like nothing had changed. How long had he been here? Long enough that the children weren’t too bothered with him to insist they stay and start to whine.

“How are you feeling?” She asked him quietly, her long hair touching his bandaged chest. From the looks of it, she wasn’t old enough to be the boys’ mother. At his silence, she continued to talk at him as though his reaction wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. “You must be surprised. I bet you thought you’d be in a clinic or somewhere like that. And actually, you should’ve been waking up there instead of here. But…” Her eyes darted towards his horns and down to his stomach—unsure where exactly she should be looking. “Not everyone is so accepting of things, or people, rather…that they don’t understand quite yet. And I thought, since I’m a healer in training, I could look after you until we figured out what to do with you. I hope you don’t mind.” She gave him a friendly smile at that. And when still he did not respond to her, she kept talking at him. “I made soup earlier. How about we try feeding you something first?”

Watching her as she stood up and made her way to the kitchen, he allowed himself a moment to process his thoughts. Although she said she had been a student, he had no way of knowing just how well his wound had been stitched back up. If it was clumsy, he’d tear it easily and then he’d be no better than when she found him. Or, had it only been the day after Xah attacked him, the wound would be too fresh to move around much. Situationally, his best course of action was to wait it out. Even though he wanted to do nothing else besides return to the boy’s side.

When she returned, she set down a bowl of cold soup on the stand nearby and began setting up more pillows behind his head in order to prop him upright. “There’s some vegetables in the broth…do you think you can chew?” Sitting down beside him on the bed and reaching for the bowl to bring into her lap, she waited for a sign from him. Anything to let her know that it was okay. And Ietasu relented a small gesture to her knowing he needed the food. Parting his lips somewhat, he eyed the spoon she held. “I’ll take that as a yes!”

With each bite, he felt himself getting a little bit stronger. Not that it was particularly tasty or anything, but he had felt famished beforehand. And when at last he had finished, he finally made to speak. “How…long have I been here?” He noticed it while he was eating, but the room itself had been lit up with interior lights—there was no natural light coming in from anywhere. It had to be night right now.

Her smile grew with hearing his question, surely feeling accomplished that she had done her part in nursing him back to health. “A few days. The knife missed your vitals, thankfully…but you had lost a lot of blood before we found you.” Setting the emptied bowl back onto the stand, she suddenly widened her eyes as one of the boys from earlier came crashing into her legs. She managed to keep herself balanced well enough however so that she didn’t upset Ietasu while he rested. “Eric?” The child himself was barely the height of the bed. He had heard him coming, but he could only see the ginger top of his hair as he clung to the woman’s legs.

“Sis, Jacob won’t give me back Mr. Rumps!” Distraught enough that he had been brought to tears, the woman lifted herself from his bedside and made to bend over and hug her brother close.

“Is that so? Well, then let’s go talk to him, alright?” Looking at her patient in bed, she smiled and nodded her head. “I trust you’ll be okay on your own for a while? It’s almost their bedtime.” Giving her a soft tilt of his head, he silently let her know that she could take her time. And when they left his room, Ietasu began to feel out his body. Trying to move his arms around, he found them to be unusually sluggish. The same with his legs. Whilst he was no longer too worried about his injury, the erosion his muscles had faced during his short coma would prove the real challenge. He had to get back onto his feet soon, or it would be difficult to regain his strength in time to save Xah. Who knows what the cruel lord had in plan for him…or what had already transpired during his inactivity?

Taking this time to work out the ligaments in his arms first, he stretched them back and forth until they became worn out. And when his door opened again, he expected to see the woman from earlier return. But instead, it was someone else entirely. An older woman with short blond hair. “I had heard you were awake. Eager to get back to it?” She spoke upon seeing his stretches. “I don’t know what you did to get yourself stabbed, but I hope you won’t bring us any trouble in keeping you here.” Judging her then to be the head of the house, he nodded towards her. “Good. The sooner you leave here, the better.”

He too was of the same mind as her. It was not wise to house a stranger, even with good intentions. They had found him bleeding out in a dark alleyway, after all. They did not know what skeletons he kept in his closet, or if he had any enemies out patrolling for him. That, and he too wanted to leave here as soon as possible.

“Mother, please don’t say such things to our guest.” Ah, the voice of the younger girl. So she had finished putting her brothers to bed…

“Ellabell…you should be getting yourself to bed as well. Don’t stay up much longer with him, understand?”

“Yes, mother…”

Watching them part ways, Ellabell returned to his side upon closing the door. “I hope she didn’t offend you or anything. She just has our best interests at heart. And…even though she says she wants you gone, she was the one who suggested we bring you here. So…”

Her mother seemed to be smart on both accounts then, even if her daughter only praised her on one. In any event, if she was to head to bed soon, he did not want to be left without activity. Though he knew he would soon want to turn in as well, he did not want to wake his precious waking hours from here on out. “You…are training to be amongst the chirurgeon’s are you not? Do you have any crutches that I might use?” She seemed only slightly distressed by his question. It did, after all, mean that he had plans to leave here. But even she had to know that he wouldn’t be here forever. And denying him means to get back on his legs would be a death sentence. As a student of medicine, she surely knew that. And because he brought up her training, she couldn’t deny that she hadn’t a pair laying around.

“Y-yes…” She nodded quietly, leaving to fetch them. “I’ll be back with them shortly.”

And when she returned with a set of wooden crutches, she left them leaning against his bedside. “I still think it’s too soon for you to begin moving around too much, however. Try to take it slow, alright? I want to see your progress in the morning.” He knew he would be here for some time yet. She didn’t need to worry about him leaving in the middle of the night. He was no fool.

“I will manage enough on my own. You should get some sleep.” He assured her as he tried to bring his body around and over the bed. It wasn’t easy, but he fared well enough on his own.

Perhaps it was her lingering uncertainty which kept her from leaving right away. The girl motionlessly twiddling her thumbs as she watched him hang his legs over the bed and reach for his crutches. “Wait,” She then whispered as she took a step forward. “Just one more thing…” Standing before him now, she leaned down and brushed the hair off of his face—bringing her head low so that she could kiss his forehead. “There.” She giggled quietly as she pulled away and turned around. “It’s a little sad going to bed alone, so…when you do, I hope that helps you sleep a little better. My mom used to do that for me when she worked late nights and couldn’t come home until morning. Well...goodnight.”

He rarely stayed the night…yet the very few times he did, he seemed almost sick.

Like when my brother came down with a cold and acted frustrated as he rubbed at his nose. When his body quaked with abnormal shivers and he needed more food than usual.

Only, the Xaela sleeping before me wasn’t riddled with congestion or hot fever. Ietasu acted no differently than normal when he had been awake, however now that he was laying down asleep, he twitched and mumbled as if something was wrong. I was curious. If it was a nightmare, then would giving him a reassuring pat on the head work the same as it did for Nozaki?

The few times in which my brother had fallen ill…he told me that he recovered only because of my smiling face. Would it be the same for Ietasu too?

“Hmm…” I hummed in quiet thought.

Sitting behind Ietasu’s head, I rationed otherwise. He was nothing like my brother. He only seemed to be motivated by acts of self-betterment. Touch likely wouldn’t do anything for him. Nor would my smile. But right now, he was sleeping. It wasn’t as though I could show him how far I had gotten in the book he gave me nor could I impress him with how well I was learning how to write. And yet, I knew I had to do something for him. I needed him, after all. Whilst my brother was getting rather adept at finding us food, Ietasu was far more skilled at securing us both resources and rations. He also knew how to tend to the many injuries my brother often came home with.

If one day Ietasu had no incentive to leave and find work—nor to come back after he was done…I knew we wouldn’t last very long on our own. That was where I came in. That was my role to play here—not just for him, but for my brother as well. I had to keep them both sufficiently inspired to provide for me. To go out and face the world they thought so evil every day. To ensure that this place which kept me protected from it all was always considered someplace safe in their eyes.

There weren’t many options for me to choose from though. Ietasu surely wouldn’t appreciate me touching him, but at the moment, there was nothing else which came to mind. Until, I thought about it again and made to reach out for the dictionary he gave me long ago. It was the very first book he ever brought back. It was the only book I ever had until just recently, actually. I remembered that he used to praise me whenever I read out a word correctly when I was even smaller than I am now. Perhaps this would help to settle him down instead.

 ----

 “Benighted –

– In a state of pitiful or contemptible intellectual or moral ignorance, typically owing to a lack of opportunity.”

My wrists shook with unwilling voracity. They wanted to contort themselves in all manners of uncomfortable positions, and yet my brain fought the urge. I was getting better at this, I thought. I had been getting better at this, at least…

At…supressing the urge to fight back.

I couldn’t think about wanting to kill the very person who allowed me to give that child comfort. No matter how much I hated it, I couldn’t dare allow myself the chance to think that I had any capacity for violence. I couldn’t fight back. And that’s why my wrists vibrated with a controlled rage. Even if he made me touch him, I bit back the want to press my nails into his flesh.

One day, it’d truly break me. My mind would be rendered blank and empty. My consciousness repeated that known reality over and over again in my head as if it’d make the desire to strive for freedom ever stronger.

But no matter what, I’d never give into it.

“Benign –“

By surrendering completely to this fate of mine, I would still be paving the road for something better. I would be…giving freedom to another. In that tiny child I placed all of my hopes and ambitions. All my knowledge and skills…all of me. If by denying my heart its troublesome beat meant that he could escape this place and live happily then it would all be worth it.

I could find peace in this eroding darkness simply by giving way to that one thought.

I would let myself mean nothing…so that he can grow to become everything.

“Benevolent –“

Ultimately, I was afraid. My body was getting older and with it, I knew I would have to find others to rely on for sustenance. He was swiftly becoming more disinterested in me, and before long he’d see me as nothing more than a pitiful charity case he’d happily slam the door on. It would be dangerous, but I couldn’t let that fear stop me. I had to shut it off. Make those grim thought disappear before they too began to eat away at my mind.

I had to live. I had no other choice.

Every day I grew a step closer to the person I wanted most to be. An empty, hollow husk. A shadow, hidden in the darkness and without a heart. Something that could scarcely even be considered a person.

A thing.

All my person-esque traits passed onto someone else far more deserving.

It had to be this way. It was the only thing that gave me purpose. My reason to live.

 ----

 Rare were the nights in which he went out, save at my request. His guilt serving as both cage and key.

Ever since that incident, I had been confined to my bed—but so long as he continued to serve me, I lamented the freedom none. My body was still too weak to function normally. Yet even if I was able to stand and care for myself, I knew he wouldn’t permit it. Not when he knew so intimately what it meant mine doing.

Years back, when I was a child…I never would’ve considered Ietasu to be one to coddle. However, he has recently proven my assumption wrong. And the reason behind it? It was rather simple. He knew that he had failed me gravely and that there was nothing he could do to fix it. All he could do…was delay the inevitable.

A part of me reached the conclusion that he needed to be coddled in due turn. That he couldn’t possibly go on like this and that it would be morally rude to not show him affection. But the other part of me knew that he wanted anything but. He was something which lacked the key-traits any other person should have. He wanted to be treated as if he was worth nothing at all. If I showed him any compassion, he would likely shatter into pieces before me.

That wasn’t to say he was a fragile person. No, anything but. It was merely a power unique to me alone. At any moment, with naught but a single touch of my hand…I could easily destroy him. Because I was his everything. And he could never forgive himself if I so much as thought of him as something deserving of my consideration.

All I could do was continue taking more and more from him. Until naught remained but a shard of bone. To give him anything in return would be disingenuous and inexcusably cruel.

And yet I worried. One day…I knew that he would leave me and never return. That by no fault of my own, I would lose him and he would begin to change and move on with his life. I worried only because I knew naught the true depths of my heart. It would be right to let him do so. I knew that. At the same time however, I wanted to call out to him and touch him with my hand. Breaking him…and keeping him by my side forever.

He belonged to me. Why should I let him go?

Because it was the right thing to do?

Because freedom is so wonderful a thing?

Is it really, though?

Isn’t…belonging to another, completely and perfectly…even more beautiful than being free?

 ----

 Loving someone—there couldn’t be anything more painful than that. If only I had snuffed those initial feelings out the moment they were realized, none of this would’ve ever happened. Nobushige would’ve had a future, and I wouldn’t have to blame myself for being the one who took it away.

Whilst there was much and more that I had done wrong besides, ‘love’ was no doubt the worst of my crimes. Even though it was only for a brief period of time, the wounds left behind would never close. They would ache and stretch wider so as to accommodate every new sin I was made to endure. This was to be my punishment and tribute.

I had to protect him from becoming even further tarnished. That he lost his eyes and subsequent life to the spirit now living in his heart was no one’s fault but my own. If I could save what remained of his innocence by hunting for him now, then at the very least he wouldn’t lose his way. He would still be the same boy I provided for since he was but an infant. The given meal now very different from plain bread and water.

As he slept, I watched over him. His breathing was slow and infrequent—his skin turning whiter by the day. It wouldn't be long until his insides were reduced to waste. Knowing how the same spirit which infected him now affected Shinza, I was not unfamiliar with seeing him in such a state. The difference between the two men being that for one, I took full responsibility for, and the other was wholly independent. Shinza had the ability to take care of his own needs, and Nobushige did not. Rather, that I wouldn’t allow him to in understanding that it would prove I failed him utterly from the very beginning.

What he required now however, was out of the question. I only had to work harder to help him regain a modicum of strength. If it meant I had to take more lives in order to prevent ‘that’ from happening, I would have to do whatever it took.

Looking upon his white face, I understood why exactly Nozaki tried to fight me so hard when it came to keeping him weak and ignorant. If for any reason I became unable to tend to his every need, he…had the option of helping himself. What would he become if he did…? Would he still look this pure and gentle? I didn’t want to know the answer to that question.

He should just stay as he is now. Sleeping and unaware. That would be for the best.

It was jarring.

The sound of her voice grated my nerves the moment I heard her speak through his lips. From the moment of Shinza’s subjugation to her spirit, he was rendered mute; and I have never heard his voice. Yet when she spoke through the vessel of his body, I froze in disgust. It felt wrong. Evil. Though I have encountered, witnessed, and done many unjustifiable things, this was a level far outmatching the sins of the mortal world.

By her presence alone, I felt a crushing burden weigh down on my shoulders. Were I not meant to be the shadow of Shinza, standing tall and unwavering, I would’ve been brought down to my knees in prayer. My sole act of defiance was keeping myself upright and glaring at her with dark eyes. I daren’t speak.

Yet her touch nearly broke me. Her hands reaching for my cheeks so she could gauge my will. I kept glaring. His soft blue eyes still his own, reminding me not to falter in my role. “My child…come to me.” She whispered lovingly a request that was more a demand than something affectionate. Those that had met her referred to her as ‘Mother,’ although that was because no one knew her name besides the man who housed her soul. She viewed us all as her children…but whether it was because she doted on us like a parent would or because she compelled our obedience and gave us food and shelter I could not decide.

I did not flinch. My body remaining perfectly still as she easily snuck her arms around my back and held me close. Having never held Shinza before, I was made to realize just how small he actually was. He commanded such strength in his own right, and thus I never questioned his authority. That he was actually someone who felt delicate enough to crumble in my hands made me feel uneasy. “We are finally able to meet…I have wanted to see the person he had claimed as his new shadow.”

Her voice was assertive yet comforting. Bold and sweet. Unusually feminine coming from a man’s body. It wasn’t like how I would’ve ever imagined him sounding had he the capability on his own. This was the voice of a woman. The voice of an entity with insurmountable power. “Where is your heart…? It’s so quiet…” Her head now resting against my chest, I let her do as she pleased as I ignored her grim paraphrasing.

“Are you deaf?” I said back, unoffended. The words themselves sarcastic, yet my tone was stoic.

She giggled at that—further incentivizing my distaste for her. “You will protect him with your life, of that I have no doubt.” Clinging to my clothing, she relaxed into my musculature. “But will you give me what I need? You, who is made from nothingness…”

I was warned of her proclivities, however, even she—a god to some—would not steer me away from my oaths. “No. My loyalties are not yours.” Though I was a tool made with the sole purpose to be used, what freedom I gained from joining this ‘family’ gave me the right to choose who I served. If only that and nothing else.

“I jest, of course. Your role is to stand in the darkness, watching…and doing nothing. I would not ask you of more.”

They had certainly made progress, however minute. The boy was slowly starting to grasp what he had been teaching him during their lessons which implied that he took his studies seriously to some degree, but not much. He was far more interested in spending time with him than learning how to read and write. The Miqo’te child would constantly shuffle atop his seat and toy with the corners of his paper whenever Ietasu went about explaining even the most basic of concepts to him.

So long as Red would continue asking for him to teach him, he would keep acting as his mentor. The boy would eventually grasp the fundamentals, all it would take was more time and effort. It wasn’t as if the Xaela minded any which way though. It was merely something to do throughout his days. A constant distraction from the memories he had thought were lost forever.

“Etsu is my friend!”

That was the first proper sentence Red was able to write down without his guidance. Whilst anyone else would think it sweet or endearing from a child so young and vibrant, Ietasu instead noticed all the errs with his spelling. The message was of little meaning to him. However, he did not dismiss the claim in its entirety as it was clearly some sort of incentive for the boy to keep requesting for his help. And like it or not, the ability to understand the written word was essential to know. Especially given the fact he now had hopes of attending a school one day. As for how well that fared…only time would tell.

---

“I-I can do it..” The boy stated in a tone composed of half-pride. His ego waned over the moons, but was still yet there. Ietasu held the book open before the child who, at present, could no longer move his limbs. Leaning over the bed in which the Miqo’te boy laid, he let him have the stage. Listening and reading along to Xah as he attempted to recite the words written down in ink. He fumbled his speech here and there, yet…he definitely was far exceeding his previous student in terms of overall improvement.

He wasn’t anything like Red despite the fact they shared the same face. Xah had something to prove—a need to better himself so no one would look down on him and treat him like a child. Whilst the other boy wanted exactly that. To be a child.

Around anyone else, he was the sort of person who faded into the background. He was distant—quiet—easy to approach, but difficult to converse with as he had little to say. It was better to simply go with the flow and observe others than to stand out and draw attention. With anyone else, he didn’t need to be anything more. However, when it came Nozaki, he couldn’t help but get riled up when he was around. It was part infuriating. Mostly infuriating. But also somehow comforting.

“—Right, and who was the idiot who thought that was a good idea?” He scoffed in sarcastic distaste as he made to dress-up Nozaki’s scuffed arm. Nobushige was sleeping in the corner—or pretending too, perhaps—so he wasn’t of any concern at the moment.

“It was a good idea! I just didn’t expect the railing would give out so easily.” Nozaki retorted quickly back, nearly snapping his bruised limb away in the process. He was rather uninhibited when it came to expressing himself, regardless of how injured he might’ve been. “You’re one to talk, it’s not like you thought up anything better.”

“…” He sighed at that poor remark, recalling what happened prior to the event which wound up in the Raen busting up his left arm. “I expressly remember telling you to lose them in the alley behind the grocer’s stall. There’s a small duct you’re thin enough to fit through that they’re not. Do you honestly not remember that?”

The young Raen grumbled then, biting back his inner cheek before uttering out some more words that only served to rile him up more. “Yeah, but that’s stupid. It’s more fun jumping off stuff…”

Ietasu wanted to slap him. But unlike Nozaki he actually had the sense to contain himself.

“Ow!”

To some degree, anyways. He shouldn’t have pissed off the person tending his fresh bruises if he wasn’t prepared to have them pressed into and made sore. Serves him right.

---

“Really? A fucking Garlean? Are you kidding me, Takemori?” Nozaki all but shouted as he pushed his friend against the wall.

“Nope. It happened. Let bygones be bygones.”

“Ack--” Nozaki nearly choked with how cleanly Ietasu stated those words. As if he hadn’t thought twice about his actions or the danger he had put himself in. “Do you want me to kill you?” Despite having been furiously enraged mere moments ago, somehow, he had begun to calm down. Even though he had said such a threating phrase, Ietasu knew he meant nothing ill by it.

Stepping out from under the Raen’s arm, Ietasu made to continue down their set path back to their ‘home.’ “I’ll get back to you on that one.”

As Nozaki caught up to him, he planted his hand on his shoulder and squeezed it roughly. Trying to get him to focus his attention back onto him—but Ietasu just kept walking forwards intent on reaching their destination without detour. “I mean it though. A Garlean?”

“Mm, better than the penniless lowlifes at the cheap bar you always go to.”

“Hey, I know those guys—don’t go talking shit at them in favour of some high-trotting scumbag in a meat suit.”

“Uh-huh, you can say that, but at the end of the day you’re not the one fucking—“

He stopped himself there and let out an abrasive half-chuckle. “Fuck it, why bother.” Tapping on his own head, Ietasu tried to encourage Nozaki’s train of thought elsewhere. Reaching into his back pocket, Ietasu pulled out a small metallic key and swung it front of the man’s eyes. “Snagged this recently. Wanna break into his place later tonight and take his stuff? Saw a set of knives you might like.”

“Knives? Hah, when have you ever seen me using something like those?”

“Oh, right. I must have been thinking about the other Raen about yea high with a hunkering for playing with his silverware when no one’s watching. My bad.”

“S-Silverware? Oh screw you, Takemori.”

With that, Nozaki let out a quick laugh as he hit the back of Ietasu’s back with his hard palm.

---

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Don’t you have anything to say to me?”

“Why haven’t I seen you around lately?”

“Come the fuck on, talk to me!”

Nozaki questioned him nonsensically about things he now no longer had the care for. There wasn’t a reason anymore to talk back to him. To fight with him—to work things through with him—to be around him.

He no longer…cared. About anything.

It was better this way.

“You’re… still in there, aren’t you? I know ‘cause… we’ve been through hells and back together. Even if you’re like this now—even if you act like I’m not here or you don’t feel anything anymore, I know you won’t turn your back on Nobu. That’s just not something you’re capable of doing. So… keep him safe until I get back. I’m counting on you. Just like always… from the day we met. I have your back, and you got mine.”