#noahxreader

PART 1 :

YOU

As you rush down the pathway that is no longer visible the snow is so thick, all you can hear is your clothes rustling as you move.  The snow deadens almost all sound.  The flakes gather on your eyelashes and you wipe them away.  Your nose is so cold.  You knew you would find her soon, she never runs too far.  You were just eager to head home as you could tell it was getting darker.

You spot the familiar bench that is at the end of the pathway.  It faces the river and as you get closer you begin to hear the flow of water nearby.  As the picture becomes clearer through the gently drifting snow, you see someone sitting on the bench, hood over their head.  Your immediate reaction is not to disturb them, to avoid.  But, of course, there she has her head resting on this person’s lap like she has known them forever.

‘I’m sorry,’ you say.  ‘Willow, come on.’

The person jumps a little at your voice, but does not really turn around.  ‘It’s okay,’ a man’s voice replies. 

‘She got away from me,’ you explain and you walk around the bench to get to your dog.

‘She is no bother,’ he says again.  He keeps his head down a little and does not look up at you.  His eyes are locked with the yellow one’s of the Great Dane. 

You marvel for a moment at her ability to just charm any human despite her size – your polar opposite.  ‘We need to head home,’ you say more to Willow than the stranger on the bench. 

‘It is getting dark,’ he says what you were thinking. 

‘She likes you,’ you say.  He is scratching behind her ears with gloved fingers.  She whines softly at him.  You stand and watch for the longest time, not wanting to break the spell that was clear between the two of them.  While she is friendly to all people she meets, you have never seen her like this with someone new.  So intense and still.

After an eternity of silence he says, ‘I have seen her when you walk her in the evenings.  She is a beautiful dog.’ 

‘Yeah,’ you take a few steps closer.  He finally looks up briefly and you see his red nose first.  He must be freezing sitting here.  Before you can make out much more, he looks down again, like he regretted moving at all. 

When his shoulders start shaking, you are confused, until you hear the sounds of crying coming from under his hood.  As the sobs break from his chest, you sit down next to him on the bench.  ‘What’s wrong?  What happened?’

He shakes his head as an answer.  You had zero context.  Willow pushes as close to him as she can get, nuzzling her nose against his hand.  Her reaction spurs yours on and you put a hand on his shoulder as a comfort.  He stiffens for a moment.  The crying does not stop. 

You did not notice the gun at first because it was covered with a dusting of snow and blended in with the black of his clothes and glove.  ‘Is that a gun?’ you ask your voice calmer than you were feeling.

He nods.  ‘I’m sorry,’ he says through his tears.  ‘It’s for me, not anyone else.’  He kind of tilts the gun a little, as if he was checking that it was actually still there.

Realisation slowly flows through you and you feel a cold settle over you that had nothing to do with the weather.  You heart beat becomes louder than the sound of the river.  You want to take it from him.  But you hesitate.  ‘Is there someone I can go get?’

‘No,’ he cries.  ‘It’s okay.  I’m okay.  You two go on home,’ he moves a little like he was trying to get Willow to leave him.  But she would not.

‘What’s your name?’ you ask him.  You did not know what the hell to do, but you knew he was not okay.

‘Go home,’ he repeats.  ‘It’s cold.’

‘It sure is,’ you say.  ‘But can I just sit with you for a moment?’

His crying was quieter, you did not hear him, but you still saw a few tears fall into his lap.  He does not answer you.  But he tries to hide the weapon in his hand under his other arm.  He seems embarrassed.  He continues to give his attention to Willow and the tears continue to drip. 

‘Did you come out here for that?’ you ask. 

He moves the gun again.  ‘Yeah.’

‘It’s so beautiful here,’ you say softly. 

He looks up at the river for a moment.  ‘Couldn’t imagine a more beautiful place to do it.’

Your heart clenches.  ‘How long have you been sitting here?’

‘I don’t know.  An hour?’  his voice is thick.  ‘I had just worked up the courage when she walked right up to me.’

‘Why do you want to do that?’ you ask.  You cannot get yourself to use harsher words.

‘I’m tired,’ he says, voice cracking and fresh tears start again.  ‘I cannot feel like this anymore.’

You scoot a little closer to him and continue to rub at his shoulder.  ‘How do you feel?’

‘Look, you are being really nice, but it’s late.  Go home.’  He wiped at his face quickly. 

‘I’m happy to stay,’ you say immediately.  ‘Here,’ you hand him a heating pad you carry in your pocket for your hands.  ‘You must be freezing by now.’

He takes it and plays with it a little, before he puts it between his hand and Willow’s face.  ‘You need to take her in.’

‘She’ll be okay,’ you say, knowing you prepared her well for the walk.  ‘If you give me the gun, we can talk as long as you want.’

He takes it out from under his arm, but still keeps it away from you.  ‘Why do you want to talk to me?’

‘It looks like you have got something to say,’ you say simply. 

‘I am not doing okay, that’s all.  I don’t have a story to tell you,’ he sounds like he was sorry to disappoint you.

‘That is fine.  We can just sit.’

You sit together for long, the darkness slowly descending over the little bench.  Willow climbed onto the bench and laid down next to the man, head still on his lap. 

‘Can I ask you something stupid?’  he says.

‘Of course.’

‘Can I get a hug?’  his voice barely there.  ‘Never mind, that’s fucking so goddamn stupid.’

‘It’s not stupid,’ you whisper.  You lean in and reach for the gun, making your intentions clear.  ‘Let’s get it out of the way.’  You touch it and he lets you grip it.  His fingers hold on a little but you manage to carefully take it from him.  It is heavy.  You put it on the bench behind you.  Then you turn back and start putting your arms around him.

The way he responded broke you.  He wrapped his arms around you with desperation and he squeezed you so tight.  You held him back just as tight.  He was sobbing into your neck his fingers twisted in your jacket.  You held on and allowed him to cry.   You shed a few tears yourself while you were wondering what would have happened if Willow did not find him here.

Only when Willow started shivering against him, did he gently pull back from the hug.  ‘She is cold.  You should go.’

‘Where do you live?  I am walking you home,’ you say. 

You can see on his face he wanted to argue.  But he didn’t.  ‘I’m a few houses down.  Not far.’ 

‘Come on,’ you say getting up.  You take the gun and try to hide it as discreetly as possible in a pocket.  You and Willow walk on either side of him.  He is tall and towers over both of you, but his shoulders are hunched over in sadness.  ‘Is there someone home?’ 

‘I don’t know,’ he answers. 

You walk to the door with him.  He lives in one of the flats that all look the same.  The weak light shines on his face in the dark and you see what he looks like for the first time.  Pale with brown eyes, he is younger than you initially thought. 

The front door is pulled open suddenly, and a man with black hair who is holding a phone to his ear spots the two of you there and he breathes a sigh of relief.  ‘Thank God,’ he says as he says, ‘I’ll call you back,’ over the phone.  ‘I was worried, dude.’

‘Sorry,’ he mumbles.

‘Hi, I am Nick,’ he says making eye contact with you.  You smile without it reaching your eyes and you greet him back.   ‘Come in, you’ll freeze out here,’ he says to his friend and pulls him inside.  ‘Do you also want to come in?’ 

‘No, I,’ you stutter.  What must you say?  ‘Can I just leave my number?  If he needs anything?’

Nick looks over his shoulder and the man had disappeared into the flat.  ‘What happened?’

‘He was on the bench,’ you say.  ‘With a gun.’

‘Fuck,’ Nick looks horrified.  ‘Does he have the gun now?’

‘No, I have it.’

Relief washed over his face.  ‘Thank you.  I’ll keep an eye on him.’  He hands you his phone and you save your details on it.  ‘Hey, you live in the grey house that way,’ he points.

‘Yes, that’s me,’ you say.  You suddenly feel like you are going to throw up. 

‘We have seen you walk your dog,’ he says.  ‘I’ll let you know.  Let me go check on Noah.’

Noah.

‘He is not okay.  Stay with him,’ you try. 

When you get home, you make sure that Willow is warm and cozy in her bed before you get in the shower to warm up.  You vomit and watch as it swirls down the drain. 

NOAH

When my eyes open, I sigh with disappointment.  Still alive. 

When I look around I see Nick sleeping in the chair in the corner.  ‘Fuck,’ I mumble quietly.  I hated it when he did that.  I hated that I was such a nuisance that he didn’t even feel like he could leave me alone for the night. 

I get up and shake his shoulder awake.  ‘Buddy, your back is going to break in that chair.’

He groans, ‘Ow,’ as he tries to get into an upright position. 

‘You didn’t have to sleep here,’ I say and I feel ashamed of myself. 

‘I know,’ says with his usual kindness.  ‘I just needed to make sure you were okay.’

‘I’m fine.’

‘She found you on the bench with a gun, Noah.  You are not okay,’ he says as he stands up and looks me in my eye.  I’m taller so he has to look up.

I nod for a moment in confirmation.  ‘I had a bad day.’

The look he gives me makes it clear that he does not believe me.  ‘I gotta pee.’

I go to the kitchen and put the coffee on for him.  I drink orange juice from the container.  ‘Dude, come on,’ he says.  ‘I drink orange juice too.’

‘Sorry, I’ll finish it.  Get some new juice later,’ I say. 

‘So, I am going to message her and tell her you are okay.  Will you be fine while I am at work?’  He says all of this while getting a cup ready. 

‘Message her?’  I ask.

‘Yeah, she left her number in case,’ he stirs the creamer into his coffee. 

‘You have her number?’  I say, not focusing on what I am supposed to.

He frowns at me.  ‘Did you do this shit on purpose?’

‘What?  No, of course not.’  I say.  ‘I thought I was having a dream, I swear.’

‘What are the chances, huh?’  he says after a big gulp.

I huff in response.  ‘Well, I am embarrassed now.’

He nods.  ‘So, I decided that you are going to see a therapist.’

 ‘We cannot afford that, don’t be silly,’ I open cupboards to look for something to eat. 

‘I’ll take a few extra clients or something.  I am really worried about you,’ he does not look at me. 

We do this.  We care deeply for each other, but we struggle to show it.  ‘Dude, I’ll sort it out.  Don’t worry.’

‘Call me if you are not okay?  Please.’  He stands near me.  ‘I am serious.’

‘I will,’ I hug him briefly and throw sugary cereal into my mouth.

‘Get a goddamn bowl,’ he scolds me.  ‘I’m gonna shower and take off.  Go back to bed.’

‘Yes, dad.’  Instead, I lay down on the couch and watch some TV.

The knock on the door wakes me later on, and I am confused for long.  But I get up and go to the door and then she is there.

‘Hi,’ she starts talking to me.  ‘I’m sorry to just barge in like this.  I just wanted to see if you are still… doing okay.’

I stare for a moment.  ‘Um, yeah.’

It’s awkward.  She shifts her weight from foot to foot a little.  ‘Okay, that’s great.’

‘Yeah,’ I start thinking about the fact that I am still in the clothes I slept in, that I haven’t brushed my teeth. 

‘I wanted to ask,’ she says and she blushes.  ‘I wanted to invite you,’ she takes a breath.  ‘If you want to, of course.  If you want to walk Willow with me a little later?’

‘Willow?’  I ask.

‘My dog,’ she clarifies.  ‘I don’t want to intrude.  I’ll just go.’ 

I watch her turn to leave.  Her hair swings behind her with the force of her turn. 

‘I’d love to.’

When she looks back her smile is soft.  ‘Okay, good.  I’ll come by later?’

‘I’ll make sure I look better than I do now,’ I say.

She shakes her head.  ‘You can look like whatever, we are just going for a walk.’

‘Gotcha,’ I don’t know what to say.

She walks off in the direction of where I know she lives.  The grey house with the lots of wind chimes and at the end of the lane.  I stand in the door long after I cannot see her anymore.  Dread slowly fills my chest.  The way she saw me yesterday, the way I acted.  I feel sick.  ‘Idiot,’ I say to myself.

I shower and dress up in clean and warm clothes for the walk.  Then I sit down at my computer and actually get some work done.  I hear the barking a while later and take my phone out.

15:12 Going for a walk.

15:13 NOAH

15:13 I have a chaperone.  It’ll be okay.

15:14 Please don’t do stupid shit.

15:14 Stop worrying.

Willow rushes up to me and pushes her body against me while her whole body shakes with her wagging tail.  ‘I knew she’d be glad to see you,’ she is still coming up the way.

‘Hey, girl,’ I give her pets and she leans in even more.  ‘Hi,’ I say to her human.

‘Hi,’ she responds with a smile.  ‘You ready?’

‘Sure,’ I say and I lock the door behind me. 

We take off and the excited dog is a great distraction from me trying to find something to say.  She sets a gentle pace and I keep with her.  Willow mostly stays with us, but she takes off every now and then to smell something or chase a bird. 

We reach the open field where she goes every day.  ‘You want to?’  she asks, holding out bright pink ball.

‘Oh, sure,’ I take it and throw it and Willow runs full speed after it.  ‘Listen,’ I start.  ‘I am so embarrassed by what happened yesterday.’

She looks at me for what feels like the first time since the walk started.  ‘Don’t be, please.  Seriously, I’m just so glad you are okay.’

I throw the ball again.  ‘I had a bad day and I just felt so… lost.  I did not mean for anyone to see that.’

She looks down.  ‘I was worried that I didn’t handle it correctly.’

I did not expect that.  ‘You were really nice.  I appreciate what you did.  But you shouldn’t have had to.’

She looked at me again, with a deep frown between her eyebrows.  ‘I’m glad I was there.’  Silence for a long time.  ‘Thanks for coming with me, Willow can sometimes be a lot to handle alone.  She is so big.’

She is lying.  I’ve seen them together; Willow is a very well-behaved dog.  I know what she is doing.  And I appreciate it.  ‘No problem,’ I play along.

When we are back at my flat, I invite her in.  It felt like the polite thing to do.  She agrees.  So, I make her coffee in Nick’s machine.  She sits at the small kitchen table.

‘Hey, um.  Do you still have my gun?’ I place the cup of coffee in front of her. 

Her eyes go wide. ‘Yes.’

‘Oh,’ I say.

‘I hid it,’ she says quickly.  ‘I don’t think you should have it back.’

‘Probably not,’ I agree. 

‘I couldn’t sleep thinking about it in my jacket pocket.  So, I got up and hid it… somewhere.’

I laugh a little.  Not sure why.  ‘I am sorry you had to do that.’

‘It’s okay.  It was such a strange thing to do in the middle of the night.’  She blows on the coffee before taking a sip.

‘I will start taking my meds again,’ I say as a way to placate, and I realise it was a weird way to do it.

‘Why did you stop?’  she asks.

I shrug.  ‘Sometimes I forget how bad it can get.  I was being stupid.’

‘Okay, please do that.’

‘Nick wants me to see a therapist also,’ I just offer up my personal shame.

‘Might be a good idea,’ she agrees.  ‘But just know that if you ever feel like that again, you can ask me to sit on the bench with you.  I’d be happy to.’  Her voice soft and full of sincerity.

I take another shower before bed.  I sit on the shower floor and cry.

YOU

You go on walks every day.  The conversations stay mostly superficial and you both actively avoid the issue at hand.  He says he is doing well, but his eyes are sunken and his smiles do not reach his eyes.  It is difficult to judge the truth and even more difficult to know how to help.  You decide that being there, for now, is all you really can do. 

On this walk he is waiting outside when you walk up and he walks up to meet you in the lane, where you take off to the park area, like every time. 

Right where the trees begin, your foot catches on a root and you fall down in the snow.  You hear him mumble, ‘Oh shit.’  You feel his hands at your arms, but your jacket is so puffy and big that you have trouble, so you just roll over and look up at him.  His face is worried.  ‘Are you okay?’

‘Yes,’ you huff.  ‘The snow broke my fall.’ 

He snorts out a laugh.  ‘Let me help you.’  He attempts, again, to grip you in some way.

‘Hey, just wait,’ you say.  ‘I need to catch my breath first.’

He straightens up and puts his hands on his hips.  ‘Willow ran away.’

‘She won’t go far,’ you say. 

He looks after her and back at you with a frown. 

‘Relax,’ you say.  ‘Come lay down and look up.’

‘No,’ he says plainly. 

‘It’s beautiful,’ you try to convince him.

‘I’m going to get cold and wet,’ he shakes his head, hands still on his hips.

‘You won’t regret it, I promise.’

He sighs dramatically and eases down next to you in the snow.  He settles down, and is quiet for a while.  ‘What am I looking at?’

‘The clouds.  With the sun shining through them.  Isn’t that just lovely?’

‘I could have seen that while standing up, though,’ he says, turning his head to look at you. 

‘Yeah,’ you agree.  ‘I suppose so.’

He smiles a true smile.  You see the creases by his eyes, his teeth shows and there is the slightest sparkle in his brown eyes.  That is a smile that needs to happen more often, you think. 

You lay together staring up for a while in comfortable silence. 

‘My ass is melting into the snow, my ass is wet,’ he whispers. 

‘Nice,’ you reply.  Willow is back and she is sniffing at the both of you, confused by the situation.  Noah takes her ball and throws it from his position as best he can. 

Both of you try to get up then, but it’s a mess of slips and groans with the inability to move that comes with thick winter clothes.  By the time you are upright, both of you are giggling and sweating.  ‘Remind me to never listen to you again.’

‘It felt like a moment to enjoy, you know.’

‘Yes, but now it looks like I pissed myself,’ he says while trying to pull his pants to the side so he can assess the damage.

‘It does show on the red, yes,’ you agree while smiling softly at his expression.

‘It’s my loud pants,’ he explains.  ‘I haven’t done laundry in a while, so this was all that was clean.’

You put your hands up defensively, ‘I made no comment, other than the wet spot that is visible.  I think the red looks good.  Makes you visible in the snow.’

‘You can stop teasing now,’ he rolls his eyes, but he is smiling again.

‘I am not teasing,’ you insist. 

You play with Willow for a while until she waits to bring the ball back, so she can catch her breath first and her tongue hangs out of her mouth and then you head back. 

‘Can I come help you?’ you ask.  You had been thinking about asking the whole time, but did not know how to ask directly, so you beat around the bush.

‘Help me?’  he asks with a frown.

‘With your laundry?’ you clarify.

‘Oh no, that is really not necessary,’ he starts.  ‘I’ve just been lazy, I’ll do it later.’

You take a moment before you say, ‘I know sometimes stuff can be difficult… when you are not feeling your best.’

He blushes a bright red.  He shakes his head.  ‘I cannot think how this can be any more embarrassing than it is.’

‘Embarrassing?  Why?’

‘I just say and do stupid things around you,’ he rubs his face, like he knows the blush is there.

‘I have been there myself,’ you try to explain.  ‘I know what it feels like.  And I don’t think it’s anything to be embarrassed by.’

He looks at you briefly.  ‘Suicidal?’ his voice so soft.

You simply nod. 

‘Oh,’ his reply equally simple.

You decide not to push any further and keep quiet.  When you reach his flat, he stops for a moment in the walkway.

‘I can make you coffee and you can talk to me while I do my own laundry?’  he says as a compromise.

‘Deal,’ you nod.

‘We do not know each other well enough for you to see my dirty underwear,’ he attempts a joke.

You snort a little.  ‘Can I see clean underwear?’ you ask and kind of regret it as soon as you say it.

He blushes again, realises you were joking and unlocks the door. 

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean that,’ you make sure to explain.

‘I know,’ he smiles and he puts the coffee machine on.  Willow makes herself at home on the rug under the kitchen table. 

He brings an enormous basket of clothes from the bathroom into the kitchen while he waits for the coffee.  ‘That’s more than one load,’ you say.

‘Yeah,’ he stares forlornly at the mountain waiting. 

You take a look around and notice some dishes in the sink.  It was not bad at all, but you deeply felt the need to help.  He finishes the coffee and you both drink, him leaning against the kitchen counter.  ‘You do the washing, I’ll do the dishes?  That is not so personal?’

He wants to argue.  You see it on his face.  ‘Okay,’ he turns and starts sorting through the clothes that was mostly black. 

You start to get the things ready.  ‘So where does Nick work?’

While you are both busy, he starts telling you about the tattoo shop that Nick works at and the story of how he used to work there too for a while.  You listen as he speaks with passion about the art of tattoos.  While he waits for the machine to finish, he comes to dry the dishes. 

‘Do you also tattoo, though?’ you ask.

‘No, I thought about it, but I’m not talented enough.  I brought everyone coffee and went to go get lunch.  Stuff like that.’

While he transfers the clothes to the drier, he tells you about how he does music.  He produces and helps people write songs.  All over the internet.  You listen with interest as he explains his job. 

‘That so cool, though,’ you say as you start wiping down the counters.  The longer you chat, the more comfortable it becomes.

‘It can be,’ he agrees.  ‘It’s just difficult for me to be creative when I am depressed.’  He says this casually. 

‘May I help you fold shirts?’ you ask, as he dumps his clothes on the kitchen table.  ‘I won’t touch your delicates.’

‘Alright,’ he nods. 

‘Did you start taking your medication again,’ you ask while you fold a Naruto shirt.  You notice he keeps an eye on you. 

‘I did, but it takes a few days to work,’ he says.  He folds with precision.  So, you shake the shirt you were folding out and start again.  He smiles at you.  ‘Nick counts my pills,’ he adds with a mumble.

‘Does it bother you?’  you ask, smoothing out the material.

He grimaces.  ‘I know he does it because he cares.  But I hate that he feels he has to.’

‘You are lucky to have someone that cares that much about you,’ you say with a soft voice. 

‘I know that,’ he says.  ‘Nick has always been there for me.’

You decide you like Nick.

There is silence while you fold for a moment.  ‘Can I have your number?  In case we need to make arrangements with the walk?’ he asks.

You wordlessly hand him your phone.  He takes it and types away.  ‘I’ll text you.’

15:42 Did you refold all the shirts I did?

15:42 How did you know?

15:43 I saw you judging me.

15:44 Sorry, I really appreciate your help.

15:44 I had a good time

15:45 Me too. 

15:45 Number saved. 

NOAH

When I heard Nick rummaging around in the house getting ready for work, I felt so tired and without energy, despite the fact that I slept like a baby.  So, I rolled over and fell asleep almost instantly.

By the time I woke up again, it felt like chaos all around me.  I groggily open my eyes hearing Nick call my name loudly before he bursts through the door. 

‘Jesus fucking Christ, Noah,’ he shouts.  ‘Why don’t you answer your phone?’

He is leaning against the doorframe and right behind him, she is looking over his shoulder, panic in her eyes.  ‘My phone is on silent.’

‘Are you okay?  Why are you still sleeping?’  Nick comes into my room and she turns to leave.  I wonder where she is going.

‘I just felt tired,’ I explained as Nick comes closer and sits on the edge of my bed.

I sit up as Nick rubs his face with both hands.  ‘Can you please not do that?’  he asks softly.  ‘I need to be able to contact you.’

I know why.  And I realise what happened here.  ‘Sorry, dude.’

When I hear his breathing even out, he says quietly, ‘She called me in a complete panic.  She said she came by for your walk and you were not answering when she knocked.  And then she tried messaging you and tried calling.  She was hysterical, Noah.’

‘Oh shit,’ I say, throwing my comforter off me and swinging my legs over to sit next to Nick.

‘Yeah,’ he looks at me.  ‘Never again, Noah.’

‘Promise,’ I say.

‘Have you taken your meds today?’ he asks.

‘Not yet,’ I mumble.  ‘I will go do it now.’

‘We made a deal, Noah.  And I am not going to hesitate keeping my end of the bargain,’ Nick makes this threat with so much softness in his voice.  But I know he means it. 

I nod. 

‘I have to go back,’ he says.  ‘I left a client mid-tattoo.  Please go talk to her,’ he gestures his head towards my bedroom door. 

Nick leaves and I take a moment to put on a clean shirt before I go looking for her.  She is nowhere in the house, so I head outside and I see Nick’s car backing out of the driveway.  She is standing with her back to me right against the lane, watching Nick drive off.  She starts walking in the direction of her house. 

I call after her and she hesitates in her steps for a moment. 

‘I’m glad you’re okay,’ she calls back dismissively and keeps walking not really looking back. 

‘Hey,’ I call again, half-jogging to catch up with her.  I have to get in front of her blocking her way before she stops.  She immediately hides her face behind both of her hands and I hear a hiccup, she bows her head down.  ‘I’m sorry,’ I say the only thing I can think of.  I feel terrible, so much so that I feel physical pain in my chest. 

She tries to reply, but I cannot make out what she is trying to say.  I grab her by the sleeve gently and pull her in for a hug.  She is stiff at first, refusing to take her hands away from her face, but she presses her forehead against my sternum.  I rub her back. 

The cold started seeping into my feet and since we were closer to her house, I release her from the hug and pull her by the sleeve, since I cannot take her hand, towards her house.  She follows without a word.  I guide her up the few steps onto her large porch, the windchimes softly tinkle in the breeze.  I sit on the chair she has there and open my arms to her and she sits next to me.  Now she looks unsure.

‘Come on,’ I say.  She leans into me and when I fold my arms around her, she relaxes into it.  Her crying is calmer now.  ‘So, um, Vincent, one of my friends, kept sending me reels and messages.  He is playing Elden Ring and he is obsessed.  And the message tone was driving me crazy so I put my phone on silent.  I didn’t realise.’

She takes a deep breath to calm herself. 

‘I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry anyone.’

After a very long silence, she finally speaks.  ‘I thought we were going to find you dead.’

I realised their fears, but hearing her say it out loud made it so much more real.  ‘I’m sorry,’ I repeat. 

She falls asleep leaning against me, my hand resting near her elbow.  I look at her without shame when I know she will never know.  Her beautiful hair is hidden under a blue beanie.  Her skin smooth, her lips pouting while she sleeps.  I have watched her from my window for months.  This new person walking with her oversized dog.  She just seemed nice.  Her face so pretty when she smiles.  I would tell Nick to come join me at the window when it was time for their walk, and he would tease me about my little crush on the woman who lives down the lane.  I never could have guessed at the kindness she would show a stranger.

I must have fallen asleep also, because I am woken by a gentle shake.  ‘Here,’ she says.  She places a hot cup of hot chocolate in front of me.  I am covered in a thick, soft blanket.  I sit up quickly. 

‘Thank you,’ I say, holding the cup between my hands where the warmth seeps into my skin.

She sits on the chair next to me, and pulls her legs up.  ‘Sorry for the big reaction,’ she whispers.  ‘I was just really scared.’

I shake my head.  ‘Don’t apologise.  I was in the wrong.’

She looks me in the eye for a moment.  Her eyes are puffy and there is a slight blotchiness to her face from the crying.  ‘I feel like I had no right to do what I did.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Like it was not my business to call Nick and meddle,’ she says with a bit of a grimace.  ‘But I knew I would have regretted it if… things turned out differently.’

‘I don’t feel like you meddled,’ I took a gulp of my hot chocolate.  ‘Thank you for checking on me.’

‘I scared the fuck out of Nick,’ she says. 

‘It was all me,’ I say, leaning forward to make her look at me.  ‘You were trying to help.  You did nothing wrong.’  I take a moment before I add, ‘I’m sorry for scaring you.’

She takes a big breath.  ‘Come on inside, I threw a pizza in the oven.’

I followed her inside and we did not speak of it again.  Inside her house it was cozy and we ate pizza in front of her little fireplace.  Instead of going out for walk that day I play-wrestled with Willow in her living room.  She smiled at this and later even laughed a little. 

Her phone rang later and she answered.  ‘Hi, yes he is here.’

Then I knew it was Nick calling. 

‘No, everything is fine, don’t worry.’

I stopped playing around to listen.

‘Oh, I’ll tell him.  Yes.  Okay, bye.’

I look at her expectantly. 

‘He says he is going to beat your ass for not telling him where you are,’ she says with a serious face.  ‘He also says he brought dinner home, you should go eat.’

‘Oh damn,’ I say, getting up off the floor and brushing some hair off my pants.  ‘I better go.’

She nods and gets up to let me out.  Before she unlocks the door, I hold my arms open and hug her, I squeeze her tight.  ‘I appreciate that you cared today,’ I whisper at her.  ‘I’ll be ready for the walk tomorrow, I promise.’

‘Thanks for being okay,’ she whispers back, her voice small. 

‘Next time I feel like I can’t get out of bed, I’ll text you.  Let you know,’ I say this as kind of a joke, but she takes it very seriously. 

‘That would help,’ she says as she pulls back from the hug. 

‘Also, tomorrow, I am coming to fix the railing on your porch,’ I say with an exaggerated manliness to my voice. 

She tilts her head.  ‘Oh, you don’t have to.’

‘I do.  See you tomorrow.  I’ll bring both of my tools.’

‘Both?’ she laughs.

‘Yup,’ I puff out my chest. 

She giggles more.  ‘I can’t wait to see which two it turns out to be.’

‘I’ll keep you in suspense.  Thanks, again.  Have a great evening,’ I lean in for another quick hug before I thought about it. 

‘Enjoy second dinner,’ she says as I hop down the steps. 

‘I hope it’s sushi,’ I call back. 

20:12 It was not sushi. ☹

20:15 Oh no.

20:16 It was a sausage roll from the gas station.

20:16 Hahahaaaa.

20:17 No sympathy I see. 

20:17 I fed you before you left.  You’ll be okay.

20:18 Thanks for that, you saved me.

YOU

Noah seriously shows up earlier than your normal walk swinging around a hammer.  You cautiously push open the door and keep your distance. 

‘Hi,’ he smiles very proud of himself.

‘Hi,’ you try to hold back a laugh.  ‘So, hammer?’

‘Yes,’ he emphasises the s.

‘And?’ you gesture for him to elaborate.

‘Oh, I also have pliers, but I couldn’t find them,’ he says with exaggerated sadness.  ‘I did bring wood glue, though.’

You nod along in understanding.  ‘Do you want some coffee before you get to work?’

‘I’d love some,’ he says, dropping the hammer right there and following you inside.  ‘It’s such a nice day out.  So calm.’

You start getting the coffee ready in the kitchen and he hoists himself up on the counter near you.  ‘Maybe the literal calm before the storm.  Did you see the weather report?’

‘No, I haven’t,’ he picks up a bottle of vitamins from the counter and throws it from hand to hand.

‘Supposed to be quite bad.’

‘Nick is planning to visit his sister this coming week, is it then?’  he asks, now frowning in concentration.

‘Yeah, a few days it seems,’ you hand him a cup.

‘I will need to stock up on some stuff,’ he says, taking a small sip to test the heat.

He follows you outside to the porch again, where it truly is a lovely day, the sun shining on the snow.  ‘Wait a moment.’

‘What is that?’ he says upon your return. 

‘A toolbox,’ you say, placing it next to him.  You both sit on the floor right next to the broken slats and sip coffee first. 

‘Now you make me look like a fool with my hammer,’ he says.  ‘I am proud of my hammer.’

You snort.  ‘Your hammer is amazing.’

‘Don’t mock me,’ he starts to laugh.  ‘So, what happened here?’ he gestures to the gap in the railing.

‘Willow saw a rabbit,’ you shrug.  His eyes widen.  ‘She didn’t catch it, but she broke these right off,’ you pick up the planks and bring then closer for inspection. 

While he sips his coffee, you sort of absent-mindedly pick up his hammer and use the back to start taking out the nails that were poking out.  ‘You’ve used one before, I see,’ he tilts his head at you. 

‘I have,’ you smile at him. 

‘Well, that is lucky, ‘cause I don’t really know what to do,’ he smirks.

‘Hmm, false promises,’ you bump into his shoulder with yours in a friendly gesture.

‘I was trying to be manly, I guess,’ he takes a large gulp and finished his cup.

‘I think just securing it with some new nails should do,’ you try to look if there was any other damage.  ‘Maybe a coat of paint when summer comes around.’

‘Yeah, yup.  Sounds good.  I think I would have used some wood glue, to be honest,’ he shrugs but has a serious expression on his face.

‘We can add wood glue to the original plan if you’d like,’ you open the toolbox and start rummaging around for some nails. 

Noah takes his time carefully applying wood glue and placing the planks back into place.  Then he insists on taking the nails from you and hammering them into place. 

‘Don’t hit your fingers,’ you say helpfully.

He huffs at you.  ‘I’ll try,’ then he hammers with comical gentleness. 

‘Can I help?’ 

‘No,’ he frowns in concentration. 

You hold out each nail for him to take and each time, he brushes your hand.  Each time a little more than before.  His hands were soft, clearly not used to lots of physical hard work.  His tattoos clear to you now that you had the opportunity to look.

‘Did Nick do all your tattoos?’ you ask.

He pauses and looks at his hands.  ‘No,’ he shakes his head.  ‘He has done a few, but I try to get different artists.’

‘How many do you have?’  you ask.

‘Oh shit, a lot.  I don’t even know,’ he lines up a nail and gets ready to hammer. 

‘Oh, I’ve only seen the ones on your hands and neck.’

‘I have all over.’ he taps at the nail and slowly gains confidence.

You think about that for a second.  ‘Which one was the most painful?’

‘They all were,’ he says.  ‘Hurts so much.  Probably my neck, though.’

‘You must show me sometime, I’d like to see,’ you say. 

‘Gladly,’ he smiles again.  ‘How does this look?’ he points at the planks that are all back in place.

‘Very good.  Thank you, Noah.’

He turns towards you a little, one leg straight going past you, touching you slightly, the other leg curled in front of him.  Then he pulls up his hoodie, not taking it off, just exposing his stomach and some of his chest.  ‘There’s a few.’

You look for a moment in shock.  He was covered, but you were more distracted by how his stomach moved when he breathed.  You felt a need to touch, but did not.  ‘Whoah, you really have a lot.’

He lowers the hoodie, pulls up his sleeves, then shows you legs by pulling up the trousers from the bottom.  Lastly, he turns and lifts the hoodie again, exposing his back.  An enormous portrait of Jesus right there.  You reach a hand out, without thinking.  Your fingertips brush on the thorny crown and you notice a physical response from Noah.  The atmosphere shifts.

He turns around a moment after your touch that lingered a little longer than it should have, his hoodie falling awkwardly back down, your hand hovering in the air.  He has a frown on his face again, the one he has when he concentrates.  He looks at your hand and when it stays there, he lifts his hand up and holds it.  Only when he starts to lean in do you look up at his eyes.  Uncertainty and hope swimming in the most beautiful brown.  He keeps coming closer slowly, he keeps holding your hand.  You don’t know what came over you, but there was a magical force that made you lean forward towards him with more urgency than he was. 

Your lips come together with slightly more than ideal force, but Noah still lets out an immediate but soft growl.  His free hand touches your cheek.  Instead of feeling relief that the tension that had been building dissipated, the tension increased.  Your whole body was reacting to his lips softly moving against yours. 

Without taking his lips from yours, he manages to get on his knees, because in the position he was sitting, he couldn’t get close enough.  Now he could gently coax you back and you went along – he had a hand at the back of your head and kept crowding in until you were laying back on the porch between discarded nails and empty cups.

He settled his body next to yours, but you were still touching and you felt his chest as he breathed.  He started parting his lips a little and lingered with each graze of his lips. 

He was being sweet and gentlemanly, but soon you just went for it.  You twisted your fists into the fabric of his hoodie where he was politely hovering and pulled him a little closer, and then you deepened the kiss by sucking his bottom lip between yours.  He whimpers and responds in kind.  It turns into a frantic kiss, his hand slipping under your ribs to pull you closer.  You hook your leg over one of his.  ‘Oh fuck,’ you hear him whisper in between kisses. 

You hum in response and he softly bites at your lip.  You moan louder than you meant to. 

Nothing has ever felt this right.  Or this good. 

By the time Willow interrupts by sniffing and bumping, you had no idea if you had been kissing for a minute or for hours. 

He laughs at her and rolls to the side for a moment, fending off the playful licks from the dog.  He gets up, stands kind of with his back to you.  ‘Where did you come from?’ he asks her and rubs at her ears.

You sit up, and feel the moment vanish, the magic disappear.  You feel a twisting feeling in your stomach.  You knew what was going to happen now.

‘I’ll be back for the walk later,’ he says, only half turning to look at you.  He does smile.  But then he is off across the road to his flat.  You lay back down and sigh.

‘Why did he have to be such a good kisser?’ you ask when Willow looks at you while tilting her head in confusion. 

NOAH

She is not waiting for me in the path as usual.  I take my nervous energy and head to her house and knock on the door.  She answers with a frown.

‘Just let me get my jacket,’ she says and she disappears.  I take a deep breath.

I smile at her struggling to get her one arm into the sleeve and I help her a little.  I use the opportunity and take a hold of her hand when it peaks through the cuff.  She looks down at our hands for a moment and then I start leading the way. 

I had promised myself that I would kiss her as a greeting, but things didn’t work out.  So I tell myself that it’s okay.  I’ll get another chance.

‘I almost missed the walking time,’ I start with my nervous rambling.  ‘I sat down and started playing with some music on my computer.  It just flowed so well, and it was almost easy, you know?  I found this amazing sample and I fucked with it until it just worked so well.  I can’t remember the last time it felt like that.  Luckily, I had an – ‘

She had suddenly stopped walking.  We were only half way to the park.  I looked back at her. 

‘What…?  Are you okay?’  I ask, stepping closer to lessen the tension on our arms.

She takes a moment, looking at the ground, before she takes a deep breath.  My stomach drops.  ‘We kissed,’ she almost whispers and then she struggles but tries to make eye contact with me.

I nod.  ‘I vividly remember.’

‘You are not acting like you regret it,’ she says, her voice small. 

‘What?’ I say, stepping even closer to her, like I needed to hear her better.  ‘I don’t regret it.’

She looks at me again and I notice a tiny bit of tears brimming in her eyes.  It makes the colour of her iris stand out for some reason. 

I am deeply perplexed by this conversation.  ‘I don’t understand,’ I continue. 

‘Neither do I,’ she blinks a lot to get rid of the tears..

‘You thought I regretted the kiss?’ I ask.

She nods.

I think before I reply.  ‘Because I ran off?’

She shrugs, and then nods. 

I suddenly realise what it must have looked like.  ‘That was not why,’ I try to think of how to explain.  ‘I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking clearly.’

‘I was sure you wouldn’t show up for the walk,’ she says. 

‘Um,’ I start.  ‘I got excited… and just didn’t know what to do.  I felt embarrassed.’

Now she looks me straight in the eye, this time I felt difficulty keeping the eye contact.  ‘Excited?’

‘I got an erection,’ I clarify in a hushed tone. 

She laughed and coughed a little to clear her throat.  ‘Oh.’

I turn and pull her with me as we start walking again.  ‘I thought you felt it for sure.’

She laughs again, ‘I didn’t.’

‘Do you regret the kiss?’ I ask.

‘Not at all,’ she says.

I hold on to her hand the whole time.  We play with Willow.  We talk about my song I made, the weather, the hammer I left on her porch. 

I walk her to her door and kiss her again.  I love the way I have to lean down, but even more I love the way she tilts her head up.  She grips onto my arm and I have my free hand on her waist.  I feel the swell of her hip, I feel her tiny moan travel into my mouth.

We only stop the kiss when my phone rings.  ‘It’s Nick’s ringtone,’ I say apologetically.  I answer and he immediately asks if I’m fine.  ‘I’m fine, I’m still on the walk.  On my way back.’

‘I love that he cares about you so much,’ she says as I hang up the phone. 

‘Yeah,’ I agree.  ‘Wish he could have waited a little, though.’

‘Maybe a little, yes,’ she laughs.  ‘Have a good night.’

I kiss her a few times.  ‘I will see you tomorrow?’

She nods.  She waves at me from her door when I look back halfway home.  All I can think is that she is amazing.

-

Nick is dishing up the food I cooked earlier onto two plates when I walk in.  ‘Nick.’

‘There you are, you doing good?’

‘Yeah, I’m all good.  Nick?’

‘Can you leave a note, or send me a text?  I stress when I get here and you are gone.’

‘Yeah, sorry I will do that.  I didn’t think it would take that long.  But, Nick?’

‘Did you put lentils in this?’  Nicks asks, pushing the food back and forth with his fork. 

‘Lentils are good for you,’ I say.

‘I guess,’ he shrugs and puts the plate in the microwave.

‘Nicholas,’ I say with force.

He looks at me with big eyes. ‘What?’

‘I kissed her,’ I say and then get a stupid grin on my face that I cannot hold back.

‘You did?’ he smiles at me and walks towards me.  ‘How did it go?’  he grabs me by the shoulders.

‘I got a massive boner and ran away,’ I say and that kills the grin a little. 

He looks at me with raised eyebrows.  ‘Goddamnit, Noah,’ he laughs.  ‘And then?’

‘I explained and all.  It was a little confusing.  But we kissed again after all that,’ I say, smiling again.

‘So, it went well?’ We start jumping up and down together.

‘Yeah, it did,’

‘That’s why you lost track of time?’ he asks.

‘It is,’ we stop jumping and then I proceed to tell him everything while we eat at the small kitchen table. 

YOU

07:11 I can’t make the walk today.  See you tomorrow. X

You read the message and wonder about it while brushing your teeth and getting dressed.  The knock on the door surprises you a little and when it’s Nick you are nervous immediately.

‘He is not having a good morning,’ Nick says. 

‘What does that mean?’  you beg for clarification.

‘He does not want to get out of bed.  I offered to cook him breakfast and tried making jokes.  He is not feeling it,’ Nick explains.  ‘This happens every now and again.  I was wondering if you could just check in on him today.  I am a little worried after the whole thing.’

You nod while you are still processing what was asked of you.  ‘Any advice?’ you ask.

‘He usually just needs to wallow a little.  Don’t push too much,’ he smiles with the wrong emotion.  ‘Call me if there’s anything.’

Roughly half an hour later, you let yourself into the flat with the key Nick gave you after the incident where Noah’s phone was on silent.

You tried to be as considerate as possible, but you had an idea what this felt like, so you decided to do what you wished someone had done for you when you were like this. 

You walked to Noah’s bedroom and softly knocked on the door.  ‘I’m fine, Nick.  Go to work already.’

‘It’s me,’ you say just loudly enough for him to hear. 

He is quiet for a moment and its almost you can hear him process the information.  ‘Come in?’ he says like he very unsure whether that is the correct answer to give.

You crack open the door and don’t step inside.  ‘Hey,’ you smile at him.

‘Hi,’ he says.  You can see he is not okay. 

‘May I come in?’ you ask with a small voice.

He grimaces.  ‘It’s not that I don’t want you to, but I am not going to be good company today, and I haven’t brushed my teeth and I’m a mess.  My room is a mess.’

You nod a little.  ‘I would love some bad company.’

He rubs his face.  ‘I am embarrassed,’ he says.

‘Don’t be.  I get it,’ You still stand in the door.  ‘If you really don’t want me here, I’ll go sit in the living room and watch some tv.  No pressure.’

He frowns at you.  ‘You can come in.’  He seems reluctant still. 

You step inside.  The only thing you notice that bothers you is an empty beer can near his computer.  But other than that, it’s not really messy at all.  You stand next to his bed.  ‘Move over,’ you say softly, while taking off your shoes. 

Still with utter confusion on his face, he moves to the side and without preamble you climb into his bed with him.  ‘Roll over,’ you instruct again.  You wiggle up behind him and without being too intimate or too close, you let your arm rest over his waist, holding him.

‘You letting me be the little spoon?’ he whispers.

‘Hmmm, you are not feeling good.  So, I get to be your big spoon,’ you say and move around until you are comfortable and settle down.  You feel how he relaxes surprisingly quickly.  You register how his pillow smells like him, and how warm his body is. 

‘Thank you,’ he whispers so softly you almost didn’t catch it.  You tighten your arm around him a little.

***

He fell asleep fairly quickly, but it took you some time.  You were not really tired to begin with and you were thinking about him.  But eventually you drifted off too. 

When you wake, he is on his back, his lips gently parted with his head slightly tilted towards you.  Your arm still at his waist, but now resting across his stomach.  You feel him breathe.  His long hair spreads out on his pillow like a halo. 

You moved to get up, thinking about getting him some water or something to eat, but as soon as you moved, he made a sound and placed his hand on your arms resting across him.  So, you stay.  You study the light freckles across his face, his eyelashes, his straight nose, the slight stubble forming on his upper lip and chin.  You see his eyes move under his lids.  You remember the last four days where he came by for a second walk each day, but you knew it was an excuse for extra hand holding and kisses and you happily played along. 

‘Mmmm,’ you hear him after a while, sleepily stirring awake.  He says your name as a question.

‘I am here,’ you whisper back. 

‘I thought I dreamt you were here,’ he mumbles.  He turns on his side to face you.

‘Can I get you something?  Something you eat?’  you ask.

‘That’d be nice,’ he says.  ‘I’ll come with you.’

‘It’s okay.  Let me,’ you say. 

But without arguing more, he gets up and pads behind you into the kitchen where you pour some water into a glass and then take out a lunch tin where you packed some stuff for him to eat.  He has his arms crossed around his middle, like he is cold. 

‘Where did that come from?’  he asked.

‘I brought it over,’ you explain. 

He takes a bathroom break and the two of you sit at the kitchen table and eat a few crackers with cheese.  It’s mostly silent.  He carries two glasses of water back to his room and you get back in bed.  This time, without words, he curls up into your body and rest his head on your chest.  He almost clings to you.  ‘Thank you.’

NOAH

I wake up and my head is halfway between her shoulder and chest.  She has her hand slowly trailing over my back.  She is soft and warm and smells good.  I feel peaceful for a moment, and I treasure it because I cannot remember the last time I felt like this.  When I move to stretch a little, she looks down at me. 

‘Hey,’ she says with sweetness.

‘Hey,’ I groan and I stretch some more.

‘How are you doing?’ she asks, her hand has not stopped moving across my back. 

‘Right now, I am good,’ I say, wanting to say a lot more.

‘You were mumbling a little in your sleep,’  she says, her voice is low.

‘Did I say something stupid?’ I ask.

‘No, you didn’t really say anything.’

After a few moments I ask, ‘I love that you are here with me.  But didn’t you have stuff to do today?’

‘I had a few things, but it wasn’t important,’ she explains.

‘I’m sorry if I held you up.’

‘You didn’t,’ she reassures me.  ‘I was thinking, however.’

‘Should I be worried?’ I ask.

‘I think you should come stay with me when Nick goes to his sister,’ she says.  ‘With the storm coming, I think it would be smart.  If you want to, of course.’

I think about it for a few seconds.  ‘That honestly sounds great.’

‘Yeah?’ she smiles softly.

‘We should get stuff so we can make s’mores,’ I say and I turn my head to kiss her collarbone.  I see the goosebumps rise on her skin and climb up her neck.

She takes a shaky breath before she says, ‘Good idea.’

I kiss up her neck and her response is more than I expected.  Her breathing is deep and her eyes are closed by the time I get to her lips. 

‘But I was thinking more along the lines of,’ she takes a breath.  ‘Making sure we have enough wood for the fireplace.’

‘Mmmm, we need a fire to make s’mores,’ I kiss behind her ear.

‘We need fire in case the power goes out,’ she twists her hand in my shirt. 

‘That too, I guess,’ I kiss her slowly.  She kisses back.

‘We need actual food, too,’ she leans in this time, whispering this right in my ear.  I get goosebumps despite the subject matter.

I start working my hand under her shirt.  I go slow, because I don’t want to push too far.  She tenses a little, but she doesn’t stop me and instead she grips on to me tighter with her head tilting back in slow motion and I have to take advantage of the exposed skin.  ‘We could go shopping,’ I mumble into her neck.  I move over soft skin, then I slip my hand over her bra, cupping her breast, she very subtly pushes up into it. 

‘Maybe a flashlight.  Some extra batteries.’ Her voice is breathy.

‘So practical,’ I say, teasing a little.  ‘Can I push your bra out of the way?’

She nods and I pull it up.

‘I knew God gave me big hands for a reason,’ I say as I fit one breast in my hand and I feel her nipple on my palm. 

She giggles a little. 

I just decide I need my mouth on the flesh I’m holding, when we hear someone come down the passage to my room.  I take my hand out from under her shirt and she pulls her shirt back into place and then the door bursts open, ‘How are you doing… Oh.’

‘Nick, you should fucking knock,’ I say.

‘I thought you were still sleeping,’ he says apologetically.  ‘I’m sorry for interrupting.’

‘Hi, Nick,’ she says with a grimace.

‘Hi,’ he waves.  ‘Thanks for checking up on him.’  He nods his head in my direction. 

‘No problem,’ she says and pulls the blanket up higher even though there was nothing to hide. 

There is a moment of silence where no one knows where to look. 

‘I’m leaving,’ Nick says.

‘Yeah, bye,’ I call after him.

‘We weren’t even doing anything untoward,’ she says indignantly.

I snort at her choice of words.  ‘We were not completely innocent, though.’

‘No,’ she sighs.  ‘Are we supposed to feel guilty?’

‘No,’ I say.  ‘We were not breaking the rules.’

‘Good, ‘cause I don’t feel guilty,’ she smiles a little.

‘Neither do I,’ I quickly kiss her lips.

‘But I’d better go,’ she pouts a little.  ‘When is Nick leaving for his sister’s?’

‘Tomorrow morning.  He’s probably back early to pack or something.’

‘So, you’re in for the storm sleepover?’  she asks.

‘Definitely.  We go shopping tomorrow morning, for real?  I’ll pack some stuff for myself also,’ I get up and stretch and she follows. 

‘Okay, great.  I’ll see you tomorrow then,’ she seems unsure of what to do with herself.

‘Thank you for hanging with me today,’ I say while pulling her in a for a hug.  ‘It helped a lot.’

‘Anytime,’ she mumbles against my chest.  ‘I had a good time.’

23:43 I am trying to sleep but I keep thinking about stuff.

23:44 What stuff?

23:44 Your boobs.

23:45 Sorry if that’s a lot.  But they were comfy to sleep on.

23:46 I am also thinking about stuff.  But more like your hands on me.

23:47 That was awesome too, btw.

23:48 So… how are we supposed to sleep then?

23:48 I don’t know.  

23:48 Let’s just think about the stuff.  Maybe we will dream about it.

23:49 I’ll try that.  Sweet dreams.

23:49You too, dream about stuff 😉

Warm sunlight streamed through the curtains causing your eyes to flutter open. The silence of early morning filling your apartment, soft chirping from the birds outside your window echoing through the open window. There's a slight breeze blowing through the room causing goosebumps to rise on your skin. You snuggle further into the warm abyss of your blankets.

A heavy arm drapes across your waist, pulling your body impossibly close to the warm body laying behind yours. Soft lips grazing against to your neck, gentle kisses being peppered across your neck and shoulder, causing a quiet sigh to leave your lips. Those lips, perfectly pink and plump, could cause any girl to have palpitations, but here they were softly pecking against your neck, causing you to have a mini heart attack as your heart pounded away in your chest.  

“Morning baby.” He lets out gruffly causing tingles to shoot across your body. Holy fuck… it didn’t matter how many mornings you woke up beside him, his morning voice is the sexiest sound you’d ever heard.

It had been 2 weeks since you’d left the hospital after an almost 20 day stay. Noah had been at the hospital every day from the time visiting hours started until they would kick him out, though he was very persuasive and always managed to stay later than he was supposed to. You were pretty sure he even tried bribing the poor nurses at one point. Once you were finally released to go home he drove you to your apartment and had been there every single day since. When he left for work Jace would come over. Not that you were complaining, being waited on hand and foot was pretty nice if you had to admit it.

There weren’t enough words to express just how grateful you were to Noah and Jace for everything they’d done for you. Though both of them assured you time and time again that none of what happened was your fault, you still couldn’t help but feel guilty.

You roll over so you’re chest to chest with him, your legs tangling with his own. You gently scratch his calf with the tips of your toes. Those gorgeous brown eyes gazing into your own, his hand rubs against the tiny sliver of skin where your shirt had risen. Your breathing hitches as his hand slides gently under your T-shirt slowly trailing up your side, reaching higher and higher. His hand stalls, passing over the red, scaly, patch of skin forming your newly acquired scar as he gently rubs his thumb down the length of it. Tilting his head he rubs his nose gently against yours, lips hovering over yours. Your hand slides against his side, mimicking him moments earlier as your thumb slides against his matching scar. You felt guilty that he even had a scar, because of you his body would be permanently marked. 

A sigh leaving his lips as he presses them softly against yours. His lips mix with your own as one of his warm hands cups your cheek, the other grasps your hip and he pulls you underneath him as he hovers over you.

Fluffy tendrils of hair brushing against your cheek as your hands run up the plains of his broad shoulders, muscles rippling against your touch. Your fingers run through the unruly curls, gripping them in your fingers. The warmth from his naked chest radiating over you. Perfectly tanned skin pressing against yours where he had pushed your shirt up to your chest. A soft hum pouring out of your mouth has Noah pulling back from your lips to run down your neck and across your collarbone. 

“I love this you know?” He sighs. A lazy smile on his face. Damn that face, perfectly chiseled, spotted with adorable freckles and one that you had come accustomed to seeing every morning. You knew he couldn’t stay forever but you could dream right?

“Me too but, eventually you’re going to have leave me you know that right?” you question him. You both had been dreading this day for the last few weeks.

“Wha… why…. Baby, I don’t….” he stammers. Completely confused as to why you would even suggest such thing. 

A small giggle escapes from you as he stumbles over his words.

“For movie promo?”

His eyes widen and he grimaces as he realizes that he jumped to a way different conclusion then you were getting on about. He pokes you in the side as you let a small chuckle leaning up closer to him. The muscle in his jaw ticks as you peck kisses along the underside of his jaw. His slight stubble scratching against your lips. Grazing your lips down the side of his neck, tongue poking out ever so often to taste his skin. 

A small sigh falls from his lips, “ Yeah, I hate I have to go”.

You pull back from him and look at him incredulously.

“Noah. Babe, you’ve been here every single day since I got out of the hospital, you’re running yourself thin.”

It was true, between staying with you and doing things for his newest film he was exhausted and you both knew it.

He plops on his side, so he’s facing you, draping his arm across your waist, reaching for your hand. His large hands engulf yours, your fingers slide in the spaces between his fingers that you swear were made just for you. 

“I know that but, I feel like when I wasn’t around you got hurt, I’m afraid something will happen when I leave”, He confesses. His eyes looking anywhere but yours. 

“Babe…” you rolled your eyes. You gently grasp his scruffy chin and pull his face down to look at you. “Jace will be here, nothing is going to happen. Let’s be honest, he’s been mother hen since everything. If it’s not you here it’s him,” you laugh. “ Plus, it’s just for a few weeks and then you’ll be back yeah?” God, he hadn’t even left yet and you were longing for the next few weeks to go by quickly. 

“Yeah I guess so,” he huffs, running a hand through his hair and burying his face in the crook of your neck, pressing soft kisses and nips where he lay. You lay your head against his, wrapping your arms around his shoulders, you could die right now and be the happiest you’d ever been.

You didn’t know what it was about Noah but your heart had never felt so full. Maybe it was the way he was always asking if you were okay, even if you just stubbed a toe. Maybe it was the way that when he looked at you it was like he was looking into your soul not just at you. Or Maybe, just maybe it was the fact that after everything you had been through up until this point he had never, not once, made you feel like a burden, in fact he had fussed at you when you even mentioned it being a bother to him to help you. It wasn’t just the big acts of kindness that made you fall in love with him, it was the tiny, almost unnoticeable things that made you fall for him. Like when he would he would help you brush the tangles out of your hair when your side hurt. When he would warm your towels in the dryer while you were in the shower. When he would kiss your forehead every. single. time. before you went to bed, even when he could barely hold his eyes open himself. You knew it was the tiny things, it was always the tiny things that added up to a lot of acts of love, you just had to look a little harder for them. 

Your eyes drift to the flashing numbers on the clock beside your bed, 9:30 a.m. your heart thumps wildly in your chest.

Noah would be leaving this afternoon for 2 months to promote his newest film. You were nervous. The chewed off nubs you call fingernails were an attestment to that. It’s not that you didn’t trust Noah or even thought he would do something to hurt you. It’s the fact that for 2 months he would be around the world promoting this film while you were here, and once the movie hit you knew his career would be even bigger and that meant more time spent apart. You didn't mean to sound clingy or that you weren’t excited for him, but you had just gotten him back and you really didn’t want to have to let him go again. The fact that worldwide there would be women falling at his feet and at his every beck and call did not help the situation at all. How could they not love him? A tall, dark, muscular being that was sweet as hell underneath it all.. yeah they’ll be falling at his feet just like you are.

Noah’s thumb tugging your bottom lip away from your teeth brings you back to the present. You really wished he didn’t have to leave. For the last few weeks you had been in this bubble where it seemed nothing could touch you. Your life was peaceful with he who shall not be named being locked away and couldn't hurt you. Now with Noah leaving your little bubble was being popped and the reality that while you had to go back to school and Noah had to go around the world came crashing down. How would you make this work, could you even make this work? You were an average college student and he is a budding movie star. What happens when you can’t? All these questions fill your head.

Almost as if he senses what you’re think his fingers gently rub your temples, easing some of the tension pooling there. His nose grazes softly against yours.

“ Baby, I promise I will come back to you. ”

“ I know No.... ” you sigh. “ It’s just.. I don’t know I’ve never done a long distance thing.”

“ I know baby but we can make this work. I want to make this work.” His hopeful gaze bore into your eyes, making your heat race.

He gently grasps your chin, pressing his lips to yours.

“I love you.” 

It had easily become your most favorite set of words. Those three tiny words sent you into a frenzy anytime they slipped from his lips.

“I love you too.”

You wanted nothing more than to make this work with him. You wanted to be the one he called at the end of a stressful day, who ran and hugged him after a long flight back home. You wanted to be the one for him. But, you couldn’t deny the dreadful feeling churning in your stomach, telling you the opposite. 

Maybe you should just end it now, save you both the heartbreak. But looking at his hopeful eyes bearing into your own you knew you couldn’t. You would take months of your own heart breaking and being in pain if it meant sparing him a single minute of it. He had already done so much for you, you had to at least try to make this work. 

As dread and doubt filled your head causing your breath to hinge, you thought to yourself that you didn’t know what this next chapter of your relationship held, you just knew that come hell or high water you would hang on with all your might to the man that had saved your life and captured your heart. If at the end of this you had to let him go so he could swim while you sank, you would gladly anyday, he deserved that much from you

This moment in time, Wrapped up in each other, sun softly beaming through the curtains, fingers grazing each other’s skins, soft kisses being pressed back and forth between lips and skin, was a moment that you would keep on repeat for the next few weeks as it was all you’d have of him. 

It seemed perfect, laying there snuggled up to Noah, making promises for the next few weeks to come, so why did you feel like you were really saying goodbye?

________________________________________________________________

There we go my beautiful people! I am so, so, so incredibly sorry for this taking so damn long. In the past few months I’ve had a good bit of personal issues and mental health issues that I had to take care of and put this on hold for a little while. BUT that’s alright. I am back bitches! Going to be going through some requests this week and trying to push some writing out. Let me know what you guys though of part 10.. Only a few more parts to go! I already know the ending, now just to put it into words! 

****

The weekend arrived faster than I thought which meant that it was almost time for us to go through with our crazy plan. I just picked Noah Centineo up from his apartment and we were heading towards the airport to catch our flight to Conway.

“I can’t believe people actually think we’re engaged. This is insane.“ I said as I was driving through Noah’s neighborhood. It was the fancy, expensive part of Los Angeles, a part of town I could never afford to live in.

“It’s all part of the break-up plan. A stereotypical Hollywood love story. Got engaged and that’s what ultimately leads to the break up. Fear of commitment. Wedding vows.“ Noah explained as he was scrolling through his phone.

“Cheating with another woman.“ I threw in, my eyes still focused on the road.

Noah looked up from his phone and over to me, “Hmm? What did you say?“

I rolled my eyes at him. “Can you put that thing down for like two seconds? We have to make sure our story is on the same page if we’re getting married.“ I say, tilting my head to look at him.

Noah put his phone down and sighed, leaning his head against the headrest of his seat,  “Alright, I got it. We met on set. You spilled coffee on me. You offered to pay for my dry cleaning and when I called to collect it, you asked me out. And the rest is history.“

I scoffed, “I asked you out? I don’t think so.“

“Why not? Girls ask me out all the time.“ He looked at me, confused.

“Yeah… starstruck girls who get week knees just by looking at you. I’m not in that category.“

“Okay. What’s your brilliant idea then?“ He asked me.

“I don’t know, Noah. We don’t really know anything about each other.“ I tell him as we come to a stop at a red light.

“Let me guess. You grew up bored in a small town, always yearning for more. You watched chick flicks at the movies and always dreamed about being the next Julia Roberts. So you saved all of your money from the local five and dine and hopped on a bus to pursue your dreams in the City of Angels. Am I right?“ He looked over his shoulder and glanced over to me.

“You got me. Except for the part where I went to college and studied communications because I was too scared to chase after what I really wanted. Oh and the year I moved back with my mom because she was battling breast cancer. And of course the one time I almost got lost in Los Angeles because my car broke down in K-town and I didn’t have the money to fix it.“ I told him as I keep driving the car.

He gave me a sympathetic glance, “Oh shit. I’m sorry to hear that.“

“Don’t be sorry, I’m fine. I mean everybody has tough rides. But now, Mr. Centineo, it’s your turn.“ I said, looking at him.

“Oh come on. You gotta guess.“

“Okay. So… Rich parents. Had you in acting since you were a toddler. When the cool times ended you wanted to break out of that perfect Disney star persona, so you did that one terrible movie where you played a psycho pre-teen who was racking his neighbors. Shunned by your entire fan base, you’ve been doing everything you can to regain that perfect image for the last decade. Smiling into cameras, doing interview after interview, trying to portray the picture perfect Hollywood star everyone’s expecting you to be. But it’s hard because it’s not who you really are.“ I guessed, looking at him.

Noah sighed, “Ouch. That was pretty rough.“

“So what did I miss? Except for all the girls of course.“

“Well, you got me. Bad guy right here.“ He said, pointing to himself.

“I never said you were a bad guy, Noah. Just that you’re not perfect. But nobody is.“

“Tough rides for everyone, huh?“ He laughed before changing the topic. “You’re an only child?“

I nodded, “Yup. You?“

“One older sister. My parents are divorced, thank God for that. They still live in Florida.“

“You’re the black sheep of the family?“

“Kinda. I always lived in my sister’s shadow. She’s the perfect A-student who went to Harvard University. She has her own doctor’s office up on the East Coast. The only thing I’m good for is to pay for stuff my parents can’t afford.“ He stated, looking out the window.

“So no rich parents then?“

“No. I moved out to Los Angeles to live with my aunt when I was little. I always fought with my sister and got into trouble a lot. My parents never believed I had the potential to be something better. They never supported me or my acting career. My aunt on the other hand always believed in me. She was the one who helped me channel all of that into my acting. We’re still best friends ‘til this day.“

I couldn’t help but smile at that. There was more to Noah Centineo than I expected. He wasn’t just a self-oriented guy who only cared about himself or his career. He truly seemed to care about his aunt and all the things she had done for him. Maybe I shouldn’t have judged him so quickly.

“That’s cute. The part about your aunt I mean.“ I smiled at him. He just smiled back at me, locking his eyes with mine.

We spent the rest of the ride just chatting away, getting to know each other better. When we finally arrived at the airport we had to hurry through security to catch our flight back to my hometown. Unfortunately, things did take a lot longer than expected and our flight had to be delayed. After a couple of hours, we eventually landed in Conway and hurried over to the car I rented for us and made our way to meet my friends.

It was already dark outside when we finally arrived at the location for the rehearsal dinner.

I pulled the car into the parking spot in front of the restaurant before we both got out of the car.

“Okay, so who’s getting married again?“ Noah asked as he closed the car door behind him.

“My best friend Emily. She’s the least of our worries though. The ones we have to think about are Ashley and Jane.“ I explained as I walked over to him.

“Why? What exactly are they going to do?“ Noah asked, sounding a little worried.

“They’re gonna do anything they can. Just be careful around them okay?“ He nodded.

“Oh and I almost forgot. All of my friend’s call me (Y/N/N). It’s just an easy nickname.“

Noah grabbed something out of his jacket. “I almost forgot about this too.“ He said before, handing it over to me. It was an engagement ring.

I looked at him with wide eyes, “Noah, are you crazy?“

He smiled at me. “Put it on.“ I put in on my finger and just stared at it for a second. “Wow… that’s amazing.“

“Yeah, that’s from my aunt’s first marriage. She let me borrow it.“ He saw that I was struggling to put it on completely and immediately helped me out. “Here, I’ve got it.“ He touched my hand and slipped the ring on until it fit perfectly onto my finger.

“There you go.“ He smiled at me.

“Thanks,“ I whispered, blushing a little.

He let go of my hand and stared at me for a moment, before hiding both of his hands inside his pockets.

“Okay, let’s do this.“ He said, opening the door for me. I gave him a short smile and entered the restaurant before he followed me inside.

****

Once we walked into the restaurant I saw Ashley and Dylan, who immediately stared at the both of us.

“I don’t believe it.“ Ashley stated, completely amazed about Noah being there.

Soon the rest of the group noticed our presence and turned around to look at us, all of them just as surprised to see my fake fiancé as Ashley was.

“Uhm… they seem nice.“ Noah whispered, leaning over to me.

Jane rushed over to Ashley and squeaked into her ear. “Oh my gosh, he’s real.“ I heard her say before they both walked over to greet us. Everyone else did the same, but of course, Emily was the first one to arrive.

She pulled me into a hug and smiled. “Hey.“ I smiled and hugged her back.

“Noah Centineo, look at you. Just as handsome as you are in the movies.“ Ashley pointed out, a shy smile on her face.

“Yeah and tall,“ Jane added, looking him up and down.

Noah just smiled at everyone, but I could tell that he was already feeling a little overwhelmed. I put my hand on his shoulder to reassure him before introducing everyone.

“Okay, so this is Noah. And this is… Emily. Jake. Dylan. Ashley and Jane.“ I said, pointing at each of them as I was saying their names.

“Okay, let’s see. Hello Emily. Jake. Dylan. Ashley and Jane.“ He shook the boys' hand and smiled at the girls as he was going through each of their names.

“We all went to school together except for Jake,“ I explained to Noah.

“My fiancé graduated in the ’90s.“ Emily said, looking at Jake.

“Yes. We didn’t have books then, there was no fire. A lot of us didn’t make it.“ Jake joked, making Noah laugh.

“Oh my gosh, look at this!“ Ashley noticed the ring on my finger and took my hand to look at it.

Jane’s eyes widened, “Oh… wow. Congratulations to both of you.“ She said a little flabbergasted before looking back at us.

“Yeah… congrats.“ Dylan chimed in, a hint of jealousy in his voice.

Noah smiled before looking at Emily and Jake, “Congratulations to you guys as well. I got you a little something.“ He said before pulling out an envelope and handing it to Emily.

“Wow… thank you.“ She smiled at him and Jake did the same. “Thanks, that’s so sweet.“ He then realized what he just said and turned away in embarrassment, but Noah just laughed it off.

“Did we really miss the entire rehearsal dinner? I’m so sorry we were late.“ I apologized, looking at everyone.

“Yeah, you did.“ Ashley answered but Emily brushed it off. “No, it’s seriously fine. Besides you know how these things go. Walk down the aisle, smile, grab a bouquet, done.“

“and what held you guys up anyway?“ Ashley asked looking at us.

“Believe it or not they had to delay the flight because everyone asked for autographs. Luckily they eventually took off though.“ I explained and the others laughed.

“Wow, everything must be easier once you’re famous,“ Ashley commented, glancing at Noah.

He just smiled uncomfortably, clearly wanting to escape the situation.

“Okay, how about we get some punch? We’re here so… come on, help yourselves.“ Emily said before walking over to the buffet. The rest of the group followed her, leaving Noah and me alone.

“So… what did you get them?“ I asked him once everyone had left.

“Uh, it’s nothing.“ He replied, looking at me.

He put his hand on my back and smiled, “I like your friends.“

“So do I.“ I answered before we joined the others.

Noah headed to the buffet to grab some food while I sat at the table, talking to Dylan.

“Okay, so how are things with Hollywood?“ Dylan asked me.

“Oh they’re good. Great.“ I answered, looking at him.

He shook his head and looked over to Noah. “No I mean Mr. Hollywood.“

“Ohh, okay. They’re fine. Everything’s great.“

He sighed, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.“

“No, it’s fine. It’s all just new, you know? We’re still getting to know each other. Just how it is with new romances.“

“I’m only making sure you’re not making the wrong decision, that’s all.“ He stated, looking back at me.

I glanced over to Noah, who was caught up in a conversation with Ashley and Jane while putting some food on his plate.

“I could say the same thing to you, Dylan.“ He sighed and looked over to his girlfriend Ashley before focusing his eyes back on me.

“Are we ever going to talk about what happened after graduation?“ He asked, folding his hands together.

I shut my eyes and let out a breath before responding to him. “Dylan… I just didn’t know what to say.“

“I told you that I loved you. You could have said it back, you know?“

I sighed, “I just… of course I loved you, Dylan. But-“

“You didn’t think I was good enough for you?“

“We were friends and that meant too much to me.“

He sighed and looked down at his hands, “sweet.“

There was a tension between us that I hated which is why I decided to change the topic.

“Do you remember freshman year? I told my mom I was staying at Ashley’s parents beach house.“

Dylan laughed a little, “yeah and I told my mom that I had to go to Charleston to compete with the debate team just so we could go camping together. You heard a sound and thought it was a bear and completely freaked out.“

“I did not! You got freaked out. You could barely roast your marshmallow.“

“Truth be told: I wasn’t scared. I just wanted to get closer to you.“ He admitted, looking at me.

I didn’t know what to say to that which is why I just looked back at him.

He fumbled around with his hands before he said, “I don’t think I have with Ashley what I had with you.“

“Maybe you haven’t tried. Maybe you should though. I mean, Ashley’s great.“

Dylan nodded, “Yeah, maybe you’re right.“ He paused for a second. “Do you have with Noah what you had with me? Or maybe even better?“ He asked, sounding a little nervous.

“I mean he’s my fiancé, right?“ I answered before Noah joined us back at the table.

****

After two hours at the restaurant Noah and I decided to leave and go back home to my parent’s house, which was where we were staying for the night.

When we arrived it was pitch black inside, meaning my parents were already asleep.

I quietly closed the door behind me before putting all my stuff down on the floor.

“So this is where you grew up, huh?“ Noah asked, looking around the house.

“Yeah.“ I whispered back while I was fumbling for the light switch.

When the lights turned back on, my parents jumped out of their hiding places, scaring both Noah and me.

I screamed and Noah jumped out of his skin while my parents just laughed at us. “I told you guys to never do that again!“ I said before greeting them with a hug.

“Oh come on, it’s our tradition.“ My mom said, laughing.

“Whenever she came home late, we’d be hiding in the dark and go 'paaah’ and it would scare her every time!“ She told Noah, making me roll my eyes.

“Yeah, it’s a creepy tradition.“ I pointed out which made Noah laugh.

“Oh look at you. My future son-in-law.“ My mom smiled before pulling Noah into a hug. He smiled and hugged her back. “Welcome to our home.“ She said once they pulled apart from each other.

“Thank you for having me, Mr. and Mrs. (Y/L/N).“ Noah smiled at my parents.

“No, sir. It’s Bill and Sandy.“ My dad said, wrapping his arm around my mother’s waist.

“Bill and Sandy. Okay.“

My mom looked at us, “Okay, let’s get you guys settled in. (Y/N), you know the way. You young man just follow her.“ She said as we were going upstairs.

I lead the way to my room where Noah and my parents followed me to.

“Creepy fact number 2: they left my room exactly like this.“ I said, pointing towards my childhood bedroom.

“I think this is awesome. Every time I go home my room is used for different activities. Yoga studio, game room. And the last time I visited it was a room for foster dogs.“

“There’s no reason for us to change it. I mean it’s not our’s to change.“ My mom stated, leaning against the bedroom door.

“They’re probably hoping for me to move back here.“

“Oh honey, what kind of parents would we be if we didn’t?“ Noah smiled at that, looking over to me.

“Alright. You two should probably get some rest. If there’s anything that you need, just let us know.“

Noah nodded, “Thank you Mrs-“ My mom cleared her throat. “I mean Sandy.“

My mom smiled at us before both of them went back to their room next door.

Noah sat down on my bed and looked at me. “Yeah, your parents are pretty awesome. You’re very lucky, (Y/N).“

“Yeah, but you’re still not sleeping here.“ I said and Noah looked at me confused.

“There’s a futon next door with your name written all over it.“ I said, pointing towards the guest room.

“Alright.“ Noah got up from my bed and walked out of the room. I let out a breath before getting ready to go to bed.

****

When I walked downstairs the next morning I heard laughter coming from the kitchen. I went to check out what was going on and saw Noah making breakfast with my parents.

They seemed to have a lot of fun together which I thought was really cute. I also got to see a different side of Noah that I hadn’t seen before. A more funny, sweet kind of side that I really enjoyed being around.

I was just hoping that my parents didn’t get too attached to him though since we weren’t actually getting married.

I smiled at them before we sat down together to have some breakfast. Once we were finished with eating, Noah and I had to head off to the next wedding-related event.

We grabbed our suitcases and walked out the door.

“Alright, so what’s next on the big wedding agenda?“ Noah asked as we walked to my car.

“We’re headed to the beach. Tonight is the Bachelor and Bachelorette Party.“

“You know, I’ve actually never been to one of those,“ Noah mentioned as he put our suitcases in the trunk.

“Oh relax, it’s not gonna be as bad as it is in the movies. You guys are gonna play some video games and eat lots of junk food. There’s probably also gonna be a burping contest and lots of other manly stuff.“ I explained, looking at him.

“All of the things you just mentioned sound awesome to me.“ Noah said before we got into the car.

“Thank you by the way for helping me with my suitcase,“ I said as I pulled out of the parking lot.

Noah smiled at me, “You’re welcome.“

A few minutes later we arrived at the beach where everyone else was already waiting. I parked the car and grabbed our suitcases before we both headed to our cabins.

Once I brought my stuff up to my cabin I went back outside to meet my friends, who were all waiting by a table right next to the beach. Noah was already there, talking to them when I arrived and smiled when he saw me. I smiled back and walked over to him.

“So… he proposed to you at work?“ Ashley asked after a while, looking at us curiously.

“Actually it was more like-“

“It was a whole thing, you know.“ Noah interrupted and I played along.

“yeah and then it was just… wow.“ I added and Noah nodded, “yeah totally. I’m usually not that romantic but I just couldn’t help myself when it comes to her.“ He then wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I looked at him with loving eyes, playing the perfect part.

Ashley and Jane 'awwed’ at that, but Dylan just looked at them confused, “What are you guys awwing about? They didn’t even say anything.“

Ashley rolled her eyes at her boyfriend, “They don’t have to say anything. It's so romantic.“ She said, looking at us.

“What’s so romantic about that?“ Dylan asked before he added, “I’m romantic. I’m very romantic.“

“How are you romantic, babe?“ Ashley asked, raising her brows at him.

“I took you to the pier last week and we got ice cream.“

“Yeah, but Jane went with us.“

“Ashley, you don’t even like all that romantic stuff.“

“Oh yeah? How do you know that?“ She asked, clearly annoyed at Dylan.

“Well to me and it might be sappy, anything can be romantic with the right person. It doesn’t really matter what you do together as long as you’re with the person you can be romantic with.“ Emily chimed in, looking at her fiancé, who smiled and kissed her on the cheek.

“Anything can be romantic?“ Jane asked and Emily nodded, “Yeah, anything. Like making breakfast in the morning together. That can be very romantic.“

“Yeah. Noah makes great omelets.“ I commented, thinking back to earlier this morning when he and my dad made omelets together. Noah smiled and blushed a little.

A tall, brunette, beautiful but slightly older woman walked in and looked over to us. “Uhh, guys. I’d like you to meet my publicist Susanne. She’s just coming by to make sure everything’s good, you know?“ He said, introducing us to her.

“Hey, guys. Look at you… all so cute and American.“ Susanne said, looking at everyone.

Noah looked at me, putting his hand on my back. “And this is my fiancé (Y/N).“ He introduced me to her.

Susanne stared at me for a second before reaching out to shake my hand. I took it, feeling a little bit of tension coming from her. She was probably the one Noah was dating in real life which I assumed because of the way she was looking at him while looking at me with jealous eyes.

“Hey, (Y/N). It’s so nice to finally meet you. Noah has said so many good things about you.“ She smiled while she kept shaking my hand.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Susanne.“ I said, looking back at her. She was still shaking my hand which just felt weird at this point and luckily Noah seemed to sense how uncomfortable I felt and stopped us by putting his hand on Susanne’s arm.

“Okay, that’s enough. You guys are officially shaken.“ He said and I gave him a thankful smile.

Susanne looked at me one more time before turning around, “I’m gonna dip my toes in the pool. Anyone care to join me?“ She asked, looking at the boys who were there for the Bachelor party.

They nodded and the three of them disappeared towards the pool. Once Susanne was gone, everyone let out a breath.

“Was that the stripper for the bachelor party?“ Ashley joked.

“She can join us at the bachelorette party tonight if she wants.“ Emily said, looking at me and Noah, who instantly shook his head at that, “No… no it’s okay.“

“I’d love to!“ Susanne interrupted, causing all of us to look at her.

“Okay, good.“ Emily said, trying to cool the atmosphere which didn’t really seem to work though.

I could tell how tense Noah was and wrapped my arm around him. “Hey, you okay?“ I asked but he just smiled at me. “Yeah, sure. Everything’s great.“ I know he wasn’t being honest with me but decided to just drop it and smiled back at him instead.

****

It was a few hours later and Emily’s bachelorette party was still going. We were headed towards the pool, trying cool off a little bit.

Emily and Susanne were getting along pretty well and were walking together, while Jane and Ashley were with me.

“Have you ever met that publicist before?“ Ashley asked when we arrived at the pool.

I shook my head, “No, not before today. She’s very big in the business though.“

“She was getting really flirty with your fiancé at the beach this afternoon.“ Ashley commented and Jane nodded, “yeah and she’s like super gorgeous.“

“And she’s flirty. Very flirty.“ Ashley said again but I just brushed it off. “Relax, you guys. She’s married to this handsome big-time agent in L.A. Besides, she’s not the first girl to flirt  with Noah. Girls flirt with him all the time, you two included.“ I said, looking back at my friends. “I’m not worried about it. I trust Noah.“

“Or maybe you’re just a very good actress.“ Ashley stated, looking at me.

“He’s dated a lot of girls, (Y/N).“ Jane added.

“Yeah, I know. But he never makes me feel insecure so I’m not worried about it.“ I told her, which was the truth. I never did feel insecure around him even though I had a lot of reasons to be. Sure, he’s been an asshole to me when we first met, but he wasn’t like that to me anymore.

“Wow. A lot has changed since high school, huh?“ Ashley stated.

I looked at her confused, “What are you talking about?“

“I don’t know. You just used to be very insecure.“

“No, I’m not. Wasn’t. I wasn’t.“ I defended myself.

“Come on, (Y/N/N). You were super insecure. You never went out with anybody. You buried yourself in like-“

“The glee club, jazz choir. You did everything.“ Jane interrupted, looking back at me as well.

“I went out with Dylan all the time!“

“Yeah, but you used him to feel better about yourself.“

I gasped, “Yeah? Is that what you’re doing with him now?“

“Don’t try to turn this around on me. Dylan and I are doing just fine. I just worry about you, (Y/N).“

“What is that supposed to mean?“ I asked, looking at her with questioning eyes.

“Oh come on. He’s Noah Centineo. And you’re… you.“

“Can’t imagine why I’m insecure when I’ve got friends like you.“

“I’m not trying to pick a fight here, I’m just saying. He’s really good looking and I’d understand if you felt insecure. I just don’t want you to sabotage anything.“

Wow, so that’s how lowly my friends thought of me. I actually thought things had changed since high school, but they clearly hadn’t. At least not when it came to them.

“You’re wrong,“ I said and Ashley gave me a questioning look. “About you and Noah?“

“No, about how things have changed. You’re still playing games. Stupid little high school games.“ I told her before walking away from them.

I walked off and took a little breather when I saw Noah heading towards the bar. I decided to join him and walked over to him.

“Hey. What are you doing here?“ I asked before taking a seat next to him.

“Hey. I just needed to get away for a while. It started to get a little crazy with the guys. How about you? What are you doing here? You’re the maid of honor. Shouldn’t you be… I don’t know, leading the party or something?“ He asked, looking back at me.

“Yeah, apparently that honor has been crowned to your publicist Susanne. She sure knows how to have a good time.“

Noah laughed before taking a sip out of the wine he was holding in his hands.

“She’s the one you’re seeing, right?“ I questioned and Noah sighed, “Yeah. Are you mad?“

“I’m not.“  

“You seem mad, though.“

“I’m not mad at you, Noah. I’m mad at my friends. They got to me tonight. It’s like high school drama all over again. Ashley made me feel bad about myself just like she used to back in school.“ I explained, immediately feeling angry again.

Noah noticed how tense I was and handed me the bottle of wine he was holding, which I gladly took.

“Thanks.“ I said before taking a big sip out of it.

“She’s probably jealous,“ Noah commented. I put the bottle down and looked back at him.

“Wow, you have an ego, Centineo.“

Noah laughed at that, “I didn’t mean about me. I meant about Dylan. I see the way he looks at you.“

“You picked up on that?“ I asked, a little surprised.

“I’m not quite as self-involved as you might think. I am capable of observing too.“ Noah said, looking at me.

“Yeah… we used to be close and then we weren’t. I don’t know it just ended. I was young and stupid. He… told me he loved me and I freaked out.“ I explained to him.

Noah nodded, “Yeah. That happens sometimes.“

“Things just got kind of weird since he started dating her.“

Noah leaned against the bar counter, crossing his arms. “Do you think he’s just with her because he can’t be with you?“

I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know. I hope not.“  

“Do you think people always find their perfect match? Their so-called 'other half’?“ He suddenly asked, his voice changing a little.

“I mean…my mom and dad did.“

Noah sighed a little, “Yeah, they did give you pretty high standards, didn’t they? I don’t think it was as easy for them as you think, though. They worked pretty hard for what they have. Like all relationships do. I wish my parents would have worked harder sometimes. Maybe things would be different then.“ He said before taking another sip out the bottle.

I looked at him not really sure what to say. He certainly wasn’t the kind of person I first thought he was. He acted like a picture perfect Hollywood star that had everything anyone would ever want, but I could tell that he wasn’t really happy. It bothered him that he and his parents weren’t close and that he never really tried to work things out with them. I think the reason why he dated and hooked up with a ton of girls was because he liked the attention he was getting from them, which was something he never really got from his parents. He probably just felt insecure about himself and wanted to be with someone who didn’t make him feel that way.

“But I guess what really matters is how do you feel about him?“ He asked, looking back at me.

“I don’t know. I mean I did have feelings for him but I was… insecure and not mature enough or maybe just not ready. I don’t really know, probably all three of them.“ I said, laughing a little.

“and what about now?“

“I don’t know, it’s different. He’s different. Not like it used to be.“

“That’s because you broke his heart. You’re a heartbreaker.“

“I’m a heartbreaker? What about you? Haven’t you broken plenty of hearts already?

“Probably not as many as you’d think. I had my heart broken though and I can tell you that it changes you. Which is probably why Dylan is acting the way he is in front of you.“

I laughed a little, “Seems like you’re quite the expert, Centineo.“

Noah smiled, “Just speaking from my own experience.“ He stated before taking another sip.

“You know… I gotta admit. This is not quite as bad as I thought it was gonna be. It’s actually been kind of fun.“ He admitted and I nodded, “Yeah, it’s definitely gone better than I expected.“ I paused and looked over to him.

“You too, for the record. I’m sorry if I gave you a hard time before.“

“Yeah… I wasn’t exactly a gentlemen around you either.“ He responded, smiling at me. I smiled back at him, our eyes meeting. My heart jumped a little as I stared into his hazel brown eyes and I immediately looked away from him.

You can’t (Y/N), you know you can’t. He’s your fake fiancé, remember? Things can’t get real between you two. Besides he’s with someone else, so don’t even try to get too attached to him. I tell myself, knowing it was the truth.

“So… you think the party’s still going on?“ Noah asked, changing the topic.

I nodded, “Yeah, I should probably go and check on Emily. She never stays up past midnight and she’s probably passed out on the couch, especially after all that wine we had.“

“Alright.“ Noah said, getting up from the stool. I followed his movement before walking over to the entrance of the building.

“Okay, so what time are we supposed to leave tomorrow?“ Noah asked once we arrived at the entrance.

“I think at like 10? The wedding starts at five so.“

“Alright.“

He stared at me for a moment and smiled, “Thank you for a nice time. I had a lot of fun tonight.“

“Yeah, so did I. Thank you too.“ I answered, smiling back at him.

We stared at each other for a while and I could tell that he wanted to make a move on me. It wasn’t like I didn’t want him to, because I did. There was an unspoken connection between the two of us that was really intriguing to me, but I knew it couldn’t happen though. Because of that I turned around and walked away from him without saying another word. I felt his burning eyes on me as I walked inside but didn’t turn back around to look at him again.

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Part 1

Part 2:

YOU

As you were shopping around for supplies for the storm, the signs were clear that it was coming.  The clouds are thick and dark, the cold is worse this morning, the wind is biting.  Noah is loading bags into the car while you are holding on to the trolley to avoid it blowing across the parking lot. 

Only his brown eyes are visible from all the layers he is wearing, but you could tell every time he was smiling at you from his eyes alone. 

‘Jesus, this wind,’ he kind of screams at you. 

‘Do you think Nick is okay?’ you scream back.

‘Yeah, his sister doesn’t live that far away, I’m sure he is there already,’ he heaves the last bag in.  ‘I’ll call him when we’re in the car to make sure.’

You walk together to take the trolley back, gripping tightly. 

When you get back in the car, you both huff and dramatically take hoods off to breathe.  You start the car so can get the heat on.  ‘This is going to be worse than I thought,’ you say with genuine worry.

‘It’ll be okay,’ Noah reassures. 

‘I think we should go get some more wood,’ you say.  ‘We can’t load much in my car, but I’ll feel better.’

‘Alright, I’m down to get some more.  Let’s go,’ he rubs his hands together. 

Noah calls Nick on the way, and already the signal was very weak.  They were repeating the same thing over and over, Noah beginning to shout.  You were laughing at them, but you were also feeling uneasy.

You and Noah load some bags of wood into the back of the car after moving the groceries out of the way.  You insisted to keep going until you saw your car would not be able to handle much more.  You drive back slowly.

Once the wood is packed under the porch with a quite a few inside near the fireplace, the groceries put away, you are sweating and cold at the same time.

‘Do you feel better now?’ Noah asks with kindness in his voice.  ‘You seem very stressed.’

‘I think so,’ you say.  ‘I feel like we are forgetting something.’

‘We have wood, batteries and marshmallows,’ he shrugs.  ‘We will be okay.’

‘You are joking, but I am serious,’ you pout.

‘Okay, think for a second, because I am heading out for my meds before we settle in.  Then I can get what else we need when I’m out,’ Noah says with calmness.

‘Your medication,’ you say.  ‘That is so important, we should have thought of it first.’

‘Freezing to death is probably higher risk,’ he smiles.  ‘Calm down,’ he kisses the corner of your mouth and then right on the lips.

You were still strangely surprised every time he did that.  ‘Bring something we can do,’ you say.  ‘Like a book, or a boardgame.  I have some, but something you’d like.’

Noah leaves taking your car after you insisted.  And you walk around the house, checking all the windows, taking out the kettle that works on the fireplace.  Then you carry more wood inside – Noah catches you doing this when he pulls up.  ‘Christ,’ he jogs up and helps you finish.  He drags in a duffel bag with his stuff and he drops it near your tiny dining room table.  He also brings in a few large bottles of water.   ‘Anything else you need to do?’

‘No,’ you blush a little.  ‘Sorry, I am just stressed.’

He takes both your hands in his and pulls you slightly closer.  ‘Is it ‘cause I am here?’  he asks.

‘What?  No.’ you answer loudly.

‘It’s alright if it is,’ he says.  ‘It’s hasn’t been that long since we met and now, we are having a multiple night sleepover.  It’s a lot.’

Only then do you realise he is right.  You nod very subtly.  ‘I think that might be it.’

‘I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,’ he says plainly. 

‘Uncomfortable is a strong way to put it,’ you say.  ‘I guess I just want you to enjoy it here.  Not feel like you are stuck, you know?’

He laughs softly.  ‘I don’t think that will happen.  I am happy with laying around.  You do not need to entertain me.  I’m so easy,’ he grins.  ‘What if you get sick of me and wish I would just leave?’

‘I have two bedrooms, I go lock you in the spare,’ you tilt your head. 

He snorts.  ‘We are going to be fine.’

Noah calls Nick again, before the storm takes full effect and it’s a mess of a call again, but they both know the other is safe.  You drink coffee and Noah wrestles with Willow as slowly the sky gets darker and the wind gets louder

NOAH

The power goes out sooner than expected.  ‘Well fuck,’ she says. 

‘I’ll put more wood on the fire,’ I say as I head over and add a few logs to the flames.  This could get really cold really quick.

She lights a lamp in the kitchen and one near the passage on the way to the bathroom. 

We sit on the couch with the warm glow from the fire making everything feel cozy, Willow close to the fireplace.  ‘We are going to have to sleep here,’ she says.  ‘Bedrooms are going to be freezing.’

‘I was wondering what the set-up was going to be anyway,’ I say surprising myself with my honesty. 

She looks at me, ‘I didn’t know what to suggest, either.’

We laugh for a moment.  ‘Alright.  How do we prepare?’

‘We pull out the couch and get the sponge mattress I have to put over.  Otherwise, our backs will be broken by morning,’ she jumps right into problem solving. 

‘Set me to work,’ I say with a confident smile. 

On top of the sponge mattress, she adds fresh sheets.  We fetch blankets, duvets and pillows.  Soon it looks inviting and warm.  She drags Willow’s bed to the foot of ours, right in front of the fire place, and makes sure she has blankets too.

I shower in her guest bathroom and she in her own while the water is still warm and before the pipes freeze. 

I am laying on the bed when she comes in, and I am stunned for a second.  She is wearing grey pyjamas with flowers and skulls all over, her hair up in a bun on her head.  I couldn’t explain it if I tried.  The way her thighs looked in the soft long pants.  The way her cuffs were too long and went over her hands.  The flush from the hot water on her cheeks.  And then she looks shy when she stands next to the bed.    

I smile from my soul.  ‘You look so cute.’

She blushes and hides her face in her hands for a second.  ‘I feel self-conscious.’

‘Why?’ I say, lifting the blankets so she could get in. 

She shrugs and gets in and wiggles herself until she is sitting comfortably and she pulls the blankets over herself.  ‘I don’t know,’ she whispers to me.

‘I should have gotten some proper PJs,’ I say as I scoot a little closer to her.  ‘Yours are perfect for a sleepover.’

‘Honestly, I have these for when it’s really cold, but I’m usually a t-shirt and underwear kind of girl,’ she says this with the nervousness still there. 

My brain takes a moment to think about this fact.  ‘Hmm, that also sounds good.’

‘You’re in a hoody?’ she says gesturing to me.

‘Yeah and joggers, I don’t have PJs,’ I explain.  ‘Hey?’

She turns to me with raised eyebrows and I lean in to her.  I touch her nose with my nose.  ‘Why are you self-conscious?’

She swallows.  ‘I guess I feel exposed.  This is strangely… intimate,’ her voice is soft. 

I nod.  ‘Yes, it is a bit,’ I kiss her cheek.  ‘You just say if anything makes you feel weird, or uncomfortable and then we fix it.’

‘Okay,’ she breathes. 

Then I kiss her and it’s like I forget how soft her lips are every time I touch them.  The way she kisses back and responds is intoxicating.  Her tongue is teasing when she licks across my bottom lip.  I feel her breathing picking up.  I urge her backwards slowly and carefully.  I do not want to ruin a single thing.

She eases back and soon I help her to get lower on the bed so she can lay with her head on the pillows.  ‘Is this still okay?’

‘Yeah,’ she exhales.  I start working my way closer to her body, working a knee over her and then she allows me to put it between her legs.  I try to concentrate so hard on my plan, on slowly and tactfully getting on top of her, while losing track every now and then because her mouth on mine is too good. 

When I am kind of on top of her, and I feel her body beneath me, the way she reacts, I take a breath and take off my hoody.  I have a tank on under it, though, so I am not bare, but I am sure my intentions are clear. 

Her hands immediately go to my arms.  ‘Wow, there’s even more tattoos than I thought.’  She touches my collarbone and I have goosebumps that are not from the cold.

‘Why is it strange to me that it’s the first time you are seeing them properly?’ I ask.

‘It’s because we met in the middle of winter,’ she says, not being able to take her eyes off of my tattoos.  ‘We were so covered up.’

I lower my hands to her neck, and start touching the top button of her top, I undo it, revealing very little but it does something to me regardless.  She squeezed her eyes shut and then says, ‘Can I just,’ she takes my hands and holds them, but it’s also to stop me.

I sit back a little.  ‘It’s okay, we can stop.’

‘I don’t want to stop, but I just need to say something.’

I hold her hands back and smile encouragingly.  ‘Sure.’

‘God, I hate that I feel the need to say this.  I have worked so hard to not feel like I need to apologise,’ she says and I see a near panic forming in her eyes.

I back off more, and then she sits up.  I am sitting on my butt between her legs, and we are facing each other.  ‘Apologise for what?’ I ask beginning to feel confused. 

‘I am big.  Bigger,’ she tries to keep eye contact with me, but she is struggling.  ‘The jackets might have hidden things, and I don’t want you to see me and regret everything.’

I frown while I process.  ‘Are you apologising for your body?’

She nods.  ‘I am more ashamed about the apology than anything,’ her voice is on the verge of cracking.

I nod slowly, and squeeze her hands before I tell her.  ‘You moved here in the summer,’ I start.  ‘I saw you walk past with Willow a few times and every time I couldn’t get over how gorgeous you are.’ 

She tilts her head while I tell her this but she doesn’t say anything.

‘You were not wearing jacket then,’ I lift a hand and kisses the back of it.  ‘I’ve touched you, I’ve hugged you and I slept with my head on your chest.  I know you’re not small.  Why would you think that would bother me?’

Tears brim in her eyes.  ‘I don’t know.’

‘You know,’ I say. 

‘I know, I don’t think I know how to say it,’ she whispers.

‘Okay well, I have something to apologise for too, then.  I am skinny.  Like almost no muscle.  My chest is practically concave.  Long, skinny limbs.’

She smiles through the tears that have not yet spilled over.  ‘I know,’ she laughs.

‘You could tell through the jackets?’

She nods.

‘Does it bother you?’ I ask.

She shakes her head.  ‘Not at all.’

‘We are human,’ I say.

She nods again. 

I take a deep breath and brace myself before I continue.  ‘I have something else.’

‘Okay,’ she says.

‘The medication that I am on?  They fuck with me a little.’

‘How?’

‘I am embarrassed to say this,’ I say honestly.  ‘I sometimes struggle to get hard or stay hard,’ this time it’s me who finds it difficult to keep eye contact.  ‘But it makes coming almost impossible.’

‘SSRIs?’ she asks.

I nod with a grimace. 

‘I remember, they fucked with me too when I was on them?’  she says. 

‘Yeah?  You also couldn’t get hard?’ I couldn’t help it.

She laughs.  ‘I couldn’t come.’

‘Alright, so whatever happens here tonight, I want you to just keep that in mind please,’ I am sure I’m blushing.

‘You take them in the morning?’ she asks.

‘Yeah,’ I answer.

She nods.  ‘I will keep it mind,’ she leans forward and kisses me.

YOU

He climbs back over your body and runs his lips along your neck and down to the buttons of your top.  He undoes a button and kisses at the exposed skin.  He keeps doing this until your chest is revealed.  He is slack-jawed when he looks at you and you do not take your eyes off his face.  He cups one of your breasts in his hand, and you think he was right, his large hand does a good job.  He looks at how your flesh reacts when he squeezes softly, he runs a finger over and around your nipple and moans softly when you respond.  He briefly looks you in the eyes to see if you are still fine with this before his mouth is on you.  He licks, kisses and sucks with such concentration.

Eventually, he moves on.  He keeps unbuttoning.  Now with your stomach getting exposed and you feel the need to hide.  But he keeps kissing his way down and at no point do you notice hesitation or disgust.  And you exhale in relief.  ‘I know you think me seeing you is going to be a big deal,’ he says between kisses.  ‘But it’s only a big deal in the sense that you are beautiful,’ he slowly licks up from your bellybutton until he is between your breasts again where he breathes in deeply. 

You look at your own body for a moment.  You try seeing yourself through his eyes.  Your skin looked flawless in the warm glow from the fire, even though there was a lot.  He touched and squeezed like it was all there for him to explore and get to know. 

He takes his time.

Soon he is the elastic of your bottoms.  ‘May I please?’ he asks. 

With your permission he works them down, drops more kisses on your hips and thighs as they are exposed and gently places the pants nearby, all bundled up.  You wonder if feels the urge to fold them.

‘Oh my god these fucking thighs,’ he groans and he holds on, paying them the same kind of attention he did your upper body.  ‘Your tattoo is cool,’ he grins up at you.  ‘You never said.  A moth?’  You just nod.  He is settled between your thighs and when he pushes them slightly wider, he says ‘I’m going to kiss over your panties, until you feel comfortable enough for me to take them off.’

You nod.

You feel the slightest pressure of his lips over you and then you realise how sensitive you already were because even just that sent jolts through you.  Before you knew it you were moving your hips a little, and he then wrapped his arms around your hips and thighs, not to prevent you, but like he was holding on for the ride.  ‘I love the sounds you are making,’ you hear him from between your legs. 

‘Okay, I think it’s time,’ you say looking down at him, his brown eyes peaking out above your tummy.  ‘Please take them off,’ you say with a surprising edge to your voice. 

He groans loudly and pulls them off by hooking his fingers and working them down your legs with the efficiency of a hungry man.

He lays back down, gets comfortable and takes a moment to look at you.  ‘Fuck,’ he breathes.  He uses his hands to spread you open a bit and he starts with kisses very near, like he is easing you into it.  And then he kisses right over the slit and kisses up and down.  His tongue starts with small licks and work itself up until he is lapping at you.  ‘You are delicious,’ he pants.  Your hand is in his hair, but he does not need guiding, it’s just to ground you.  Your head is thrown back, your eyes closed.

He moans the whole time, every breath he takes is a testament to how much he is enjoying you. 

‘You are so good at this,’ you say, trying to keep your voice steady.

‘Yeah?’ he says.  ‘It feels good?’

‘So fucking good.’

One of his fingers touches your hole and circles it slowly while he sucks on your clit.  You are sure you are losing your mind.  He works the finger inside bit by bit, going slow and being deliberate with what he does.  You cry out when he pumps the finger a few times.  And then he pulls his finger out.  You feel him move.

He sits up a little, you can see your arousal on his face.  ‘Do you want to taste how amazing you taste?’ he says. 

You had no desire to until he asked.  He leans over you and kisses you and you taste him with you on his lips.  He sucks his own finger clean.  Then he is back down there, sinking two fingers into you. 

You grip his hair tighter and say his name when you feel it building.  He doesn’t stop, and it builds and builds until the feeling courses through your whole body.  You are aware that you squeeze his head with your thighs and your hips buck.  He calmly takes you through it and eases off when he sees you are too sensitive for him to keep going.

Your chest heaves with big breaths and strong emotions.  He is on his knees, looking proud and extremely turned on.  He wipes at his face a little. 

You see the bulge in his joggers even in the low light.  He grins at you and works himself closer until he collapses, using your breasts as a pillow. 

You hold his head and run fingers through his hair.  ‘Thank you,’ you whisper.  ‘That was…’

‘Was what?’ he asks when you did not continue.

‘So amazing,’ you lean up and kiss the top of his head. 

‘I’m glad.  I had a great time,’ you hear the smile in his voice.

‘How are you feeling?  I saw that you are hard,’ you whisper so softly.  You didn’t know how to verbalise all these things. 

‘Very,’ he says.  ‘But I’m not going to come, I think I would have already.’

You ease yourself out from under him.  He frowns.  ‘If I remember correctly, even when I couldn’t have an orgasm, I could still feel good.’  You push at his shoulder until he is on his back next to you.

‘Yeah,’ he chokes on air a little.  ‘I feel it, but I don’t want you to do that.’

You lean back a little. 

‘No. whoah, that came out wrong.  I don’t want you to feel like you have to reciprocate or try when it’s not going to happen,’ he says rushed and shy.

You kiss his forehead, and work his hair away from his face.  You kiss down his nose until you kiss him soundly on the lips.  ‘Can I ask you for something?’

‘Anything,’ he says looking at you intensely. 

‘I want to touch you,’ you pause to see his reaction. 

He squints his eyes, waiting for you to continue.

‘I want to help you come down from this,’ you explain.  ‘No pressure to come.’

He looks very unsure, but he nods at you anyway.  ‘Alright.’

You kiss him and work your hand down his body until you feel him through his pants.  He gasps at the contact.  You run your fingers over him, barely touching, just getting a feel for him.  Then you slip your fingers under the elastic of his pants and work your way down.  ‘This okay?’ you ask.

His eyes are closed when he nods. 

You go under his boxers and feel the hard length of him straining against the material holding it back.  You push the pants down just enough to free him, still sitting low on his hips.  His skin is so soft, and precum has made it a little sticky.  You wrap your hand around him and very slowly work up and down a few times.  His own hand is resting on his hip and his fingers flex.  You run a single finger up and down his length and then over the head.  His cock moves, and you collect a drop of clear liquid from the tip and suck it off your finger.

‘Christ,’ he moans.  ‘This is making me harder,’ he says it like he is going to cry.

‘What do you want me to do?’ you ask.

‘I want you to sit on it,’ he says without hesitation.  ‘But please don’t do that.  I will die.’

You kiss him in sympathy. 

‘Can you just hold it?  Without doing anything?  Just hold it until I calm down?’  his voice is so full of desperation.

‘Of course,’ you whisper in his mouth.  You lay down with your head on his flat tummy and hold his cock in your hand. 

Now he plays with your hair.  ‘Thank you,’ he sighs.  You feel his breathing slowly start to even out.

‘You are also so beautiful,’ you say as you look down at him. 

You feel with stomach move with a laugh.  ‘Thanks.’

As both of you come down from the high, realisation hits you.  ‘I’m naked.’

‘Yep,’ he says.  ‘You getting cold?’

‘Yes, a little.’  He starts working at the blankets to start covering you.  ‘But I forgot that I was naked for a while.  I didn’t feel self-conscious.’

‘Good,’ he says simply. 

Slowly you feel him get softer in your hand. 

NOAH

She fell asleep holding my softening cock in her hand and I fought back tears.  She understood and did not judge or made me feel stupid, she was just there being exactly what I needed.  I carefully extract myself from her hand and ease her off me.  I get up to go to the bathroom and bring back a glass of water.  I check on the fire.

I gently wake her, ‘Drink some of this,’ and I hold the glass up to her lips.  She drinks while looking confused.  I help her get dressed.  I would love to sleep next to this woman while she is naked, but I didn’t want her to get cold.  I put my hoody back on and climb back into bed.  I push up against her, tuck my legs into the back of hers, put my arm over her and hold one her hands right up against her boobs.  I rest my face in her hair, make sure we both covered and I fall asleep too.

I became vaguely conscious when she woke up and poked at the fire, putting more wood on, taking Willow outside for a minute.  When she came back, laid an arm over my hips and rested her head on the pillow just above my shoulder, her nose in my neck.  I loved that she did that.

‘You awake?’ I asked later that morning, sure she was, but she inhaled and squinted her eyes open in confusion.

‘Hmmm?’ she rubbed her face. 

‘Sorry, I thought you were awake,’ I whisper trying to calm her back down.

She settled back down.  ‘Lord, the storm is still so loud.’

‘It’s not stopping,’ I agree.  The room was still mostly dark.

She rubbed her face again and mumbled past her hand, ‘The power came on some time during the night.  I put all the batteries I could find on charge.’

‘Really?  Is it still on?’ I asked, then realising she wouldn’t know.

‘D’know,’ she answered.  She sighs into my neck.

‘You are lovely and warm,’ I whisper at her. 

‘You are comfortable to cling to,’ she says, voice still thick.

‘So, you slept well?’ I asked.

‘Mmmm, did you?’

‘Very well,’ I reassure her, and I hold her hand that is resting on my stomach.  ‘I think I should get up.  I’m hungry.’

‘Can we try something before you do?’ she asks. 

‘Alright,’ I say.

‘I didn’t want to mention it last night,’ she kisses my shoulder.  ‘I didn’t want you to think about it.  But it’s now been roughly twenty-four hours since you’ve taken your medication?’

‘Yes,’ I answer, unsure what she means.

‘It could mean that this is the time you have the biggest chance of having an orgasm,’ she explains.  ‘Not for everyone,’ she clarifies.  ‘But it worked for me.’

‘Oh,’ I say.  ‘Oh yeah,’ it made sense. 

She is very shy by this time in the conversation.  ‘Have you ever noticed?’

‘I think I did, but I don’t think my dumb ass realised why,’ I admit.

Awkward silence for a moment, but while we say nothing, I feel my cock swell at the mere thought.

‘Do you want me to…’ she trails off. 

‘Only if you want to?’ I say, not sure what she was offering.

‘I want to.  What do you want?’ she asks.

I take her hand and slowly lower it towards the growing bulge forming.  I guide her hand over me, moving our hands over me.  She gasps a little when she feels how hard I already am.  It didn’t take long before I couldn’t take it anymore and I reached down with my other hand also, to pull my pants down a little. 

She waits for my hand to guide her again.  I wrap our hands around my length and slowly drag up and down until I am twitching and heavy.

‘Would you be comfortable taking over?’ I ask her, sensing that she feels very unsure.

‘I will,’ she says, her voice shaking.  ‘Tell me if I am doing something wrong.’

‘You can’t do it wrong,’ I say simply.  ‘I am so sensitive already.’

She shifts a little, up on one elbow and she strokes me.  Every now and then she will touch the bead of precum.  ‘Um, I want to try putting my mouth on you.’

I die.  ‘If you are sure you want to,’ I choke out. 

‘I want to but, I’ve never done it before,’ she says softly.  Like she is embarrassed. 

‘That’s fine, like it said, you can’t do anything wrong,’ I try to put her at ease.

‘Please tell me what to do?’ she says. 

‘Alright,’ I agree and then start thinking very hard about how to tell her.  ‘Um,’ I start nervous as fuck.  ‘Kiss first, just touch your lips to it.’

I can’t see her face as she leans forward obediently and very cautiously presses her lips against me just under the head.  I twitch, my balls clench and I struggle to inhale.

‘Like that?’ she asks.

‘Oh yeah, like that, keep kissing, try different areas,’ I whisper, because my voice seems to have disappeared.

She slowly presses her lips all over, along the thick vein that runs the length of my cock, then the tip, over the ridge of the head, she moans so softly. 

‘You’re doing so good,’ I say, realising she needs the reassurance.

‘May I lick?’ she asks. 

‘Hnng, yes.’  I try not to buck my hips.  Her tongue touches a little bit and slowly she gains confidence, until she licks the from the base to the tip.  Open mouthed kisses all over.  ‘Could you please lay between my legs?’ I ask.  ‘Only if you’re comfortable, but I really want to see this.’ 

‘Okay,’ she says.  She climbs over one leg and settles, the blankets covering her, leaving only my legs covered.  But I was not cold.  She starts shyly again, but she feels surer of herself by the second as she sees how I respond. 

The moment she takes my head in her mouth, she looks me in the eye.  When she sees I’m looking back she blushes.  Taking her time, she sucks and uses her tongue to explore.  She slowly works down bit by bit.  ‘Baby, I’m feeling it build.’  I warn her.

She frowns at me for second.  Then takes her mouth off.  ‘What should I do?’

‘Keep going, but I will tell you if it’s going to happen, then you stop,’ I explain.

‘Stop?’ she asks.

‘Yeah, I don’t think I should come in your mouth the first time you do it,’ I say, being honest.

She tilts her head like I spoke sense.   ‘Okay,’ she agrees.

Her mouth is back on me and within seconds the build up is back and I breathe to try and concentrate.  ‘Amazing,’ I groan at her.  ‘You are so amazing.’

She moans in response and it travels through me.

‘Okay, stop,’ I say with difficulty, not wanting to admit that filling her mouth with my come would be perfect right now.  Her hand stays on me and I place my hand over hers again, and together we work up and down until I finally climax.  White cum shoots onto my hip and the rest sort of dribbles down over our hands.  We slow down and but don’t stop.  Tears sting my eyes with no warning.  It felt so good. 

When she sees the tears that started to spill quietly, she sits up and climbs over me again.  ‘Are you okay?’ she asks, sounding properly alarmed. She pulls me into her arms, and with my face over her collarbone, I let go for a moment and cry.  She calmly stroked my hair.

‘Thank you,’ I mumble into her chest. 

‘It’s okay,’ she started to repeat. 

YOU

‘I am making us some eggs for breakfast,’ he finally says something after quite a long silence.

‘That sounds good,’ you answer.

He sits up and wipes at his face.  Then he smiles at you and gets up from the couch bed.  He pulls at his clothes and then walks to the window and opens the curtains.  Snow blowing past, dark skies.  ‘It’s so beautiful,’ he says softly staring out the window.

‘Let’s leave the curtains open, then we can see what’s happening,’ you suggest.

‘Come along?’ he asks.  And you two head to the kitchen where you take out some things he might need.  You show him where to turn the gas on. 

‘What can I do?’ you ask him. 

‘Get some bread, then we toast it in here after the eggs are cooked?’ he asks.  He mixes the eggs in a bowl and adds salt, pepper and other things before he pours it into the heated pan. 

‘You like cooking?’ you ask while taking bread from the bag and getting plates.

‘Yeah,’ he says.  ‘I enjoy it.  I can make some good stuff.’ He says it like he wants to be proud of himself, but he sounds like he feels small.

‘You should show me some of your dishes,’ you say.  ‘Hey, where’s your pills.  Don’t want you to forget.’

He rushes to his bag that is near the dining room table and is back in a few seconds.  He puts the pill in his mouth, gives you a small kiss, then swallows it with a swig of water.  ‘Thanks for the reminder.’

You sit at the kitchen counter and eat.  ‘This is really good,’ you say to him.

‘Don’t be so surprised, I told you,’ he smiles. 

‘So, tell me what’s the deal with the pills,’ you say this cautiously.

‘What do you mean?’ he asks, chewing.

‘You seem like you really don’t want to take them,’ you try to start the conversation, but you don’t want to put words in his mouth.

‘I hate the side-effects.  It also kills my appetite a lot, and I cannot afford to get any skinnier.  The sex stuff.  I don’t know,’ he sighs a little before he takes another bite. 

You nod and take a moment before you speak.  ‘I saw you had a beer in your room the other day.  You know you shouldn’t, right?’

He hangs his head a bit.  ‘I know.’

‘Sorry, I don’t mean to preach, I’m just trying to understand.’

‘I feel like it makes me feel like I don’t want to kill myself, but it takes away the little joys of life, you know?’  he explains calmly. 

‘Oh,’ you commiserate.  ‘I get that.’

‘Then I start thinking the depression couldn’t have been that bad, and then I stop.  Cause I want to eat a pizza, and I want to jerk off – do normal things.’  He runs his hands through his hair. 

‘Have you tried other pills?  Maybe they can give you something that works better with you,’ you suggest. 

‘No, I haven’t been on these that long.  Nick insisted I go see a doctor when the moping just wouldn’t stop.  Like I was in a bad place.  I’ll think about that,’ he says.

‘Sorry for bringing it up,’ you say after a while.

‘No, don’t be.  How was it with you?  When you were on it?’

‘I don’t think I’m chronically depressed, I think I just went through an episode.  Took it for about a year then I stopped.’

‘You said you were suicidal too?’  he asks.

‘Yes,’ you reply.  ‘But I haven’t felt like that in a long time.’

‘Maybe there is hope?’  he asks.

‘Sure,’ you say.  ‘Just don’t stop your pills without talking to someone first.’

He nods guiltily.  ‘Alright.’

‘So how about we have a day of little joys?’ you ask.

‘What do you have in mind?’ he asks with raised eyebrows.

‘I don’t know, you must tell me what the little joys are for you.  We capitalise on your meds wearing off for tomorrow morning, so like we prep a pizza that we cook on the fire in the morning for breakfast,’ you say as things start popping into your head. 

He pulls the corners of his mouth down like he was impressed with your plan.  ‘I’m listening.’  He gets up and puts the leftover eggs in Willow’s bowl.

‘Besides jerking off and pizza,’ you say with a smile, ‘What else do you wish you could or would do?’

He thinks for a moment.  ‘I want to draw something.  I want to watch a movie all the way through.  Um…’

‘Okay, that’s a start,’ you get up.  ‘I am on it.’

‘Hey, wait.  What are small joys for you?’  he says half getting up with you.

You stop in your tracks.  You think.  ‘Let me think for a moment.’

‘Alright,’ he sits back down and waits patiently.

‘Why is this so difficult?’ you ask.

‘It’s alright.  No rush,’ his eyes kindly smile at you.

‘Okay, I think I’d like to read a book with a cup of something warm to drink,’ you start off. 

He nods and sits up straighter.  ‘That’s a good one.’

‘Drawing or painting does also sound good to me,’ you continue.

Enthusiastic nods.

‘I’d like to look at the stars,’ you finish, feeling a little embarrassed.  ‘That’s a little cheesy, I know, but I love that.’

‘It’s not cheesy.  We can do that after the storm though,’ he looks out the window.  ‘Not going to see many stars tonight, I don’t think.’

NOAH

After brushing teeth and making a small effort to look like it was day time, she took out art supplies and covered the small dining table with them.  All of them were half-used.  ‘You do this often?’ I ask.

‘I used to,’ she frowns.  ‘Don’t know why I stopped.’

She took some paint and I grabbed a box of almost fresh Crayola crayons.  She was painting a background with what looked like black clouds and then flowers and leaves.  It took a moment, but eventually her plan started taking shape.  I drew Willow laying near our feet.  We laughed and joked. 

While I was concentrating on Willow and getting her to keep still, I also noticed how much fun I was having.  How easy this was. 

We took a break and made s’mores by the fire for lunch.  She kept burning her marshmallow beyond edibility, so I took over roasting duties.  She kissed some sticky marshmallow off the corner of my mouth.

We had to pick a movie that she had on her laptop as the internet was down.  So, I made a pick and we cuddled on the bed with the laptop and watched it through.  She laid with her head on my chest or stomach for most of it, and I loved it so much.  I felt so wanted and comfortable. 

By dinner time, we heated some soup up by the fire.  I was not hungry, so we kept it simple.  After eating that, we went to the kitchen and she made me knead pizza dough, while she chopped some toppings for the pizza and grated some cheese.  We put everything in little bowls and let the dough rise near the fire. 

‘Tomorrow morning, we assemble and cook.  Breakfast pizza is going to be awesome,’ she said sounding very excited. 

‘I can’t wait,’ I add. 

When we were ready for bed, we laid down next to each other on our backs.  Blankets all around us.

She sighs softly and says, ‘I had a good day.’

I turn my head towards her.  ‘Me too.’

‘We need storms more often,’ she jokes.

‘We need to live our lives like this,’ I say feeling very wise.  ‘Prioritise the small joys.’

‘What shall we do tomorrow?’ she asks.

‘We read by the fire,’ I say like it obvious.

‘I do have some books you can choose from?’ she says

‘I brought a book.  You told me to,’ I tell her. 

‘Oh yeah,’ she remembers.  ‘What book did you bring?’

‘Into the Wild.  Did you ever see the movie?’

‘I did, but very long ago.  It was sad, though.’

‘Yeah, I figured.  But I think I want to start with that.  Can I come cuddle with you?’ I ask.

‘Anytime,’ she says.  I wiggle closer and rest my head on her chest.  This was my favourite.  No doubt.  She starts playing with my hair. 

‘Thank you so much for today.  I think it’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me,’ I say what has been desperate to get out of my mouth all day.  The clench in my heart I felt with every little thing she does.

‘Which part was your favourite?’ she asks. 

‘Each part was so special to me,’ I say honestly.

‘Really?’ she whispers.

‘From when I opened my eyes to right now,’ I make it clear.

We lay in silence for a while, her hand in my hair very effective at making me very sleepy.  ‘You never have to ask,’ she whispers.  ‘If you can cuddle with me?  The answer is always yes.’

‘That’s a pretty sweet deal,’ I say, hiding my face against her softness. 

YOU

You wake up to Willow softly whining next to the bed to be let out.  Still half-asleep and groggy, you start getting up when Noah says, ‘I got it.’

He is up, whispering ‘good morning’ to Willow as he leads her to the door. You pull the blankets up higher around yourself and snuggle into the pillow while you try to keep your eyes open to look.  He rubs at his arms as he waits for Willow to finish outside.  Your eyes fall closed as you wait.

He gets back into bed after a while and he holds on to you, you turn around so that you are facing each other.  ‘Thank you,’ you say.

‘You’re welcome,’ he whispers to you. 

You pull your head back to look at his face.  ‘Did you brush your teeth?’

He blushes.  ‘Yes. How did you know?’

‘I smell the minty freshness.  That’s not fair,’ you say hiding your mouth behind your hand. 

‘It’s fine,’ he laughs.  ‘I don’t mind.’

‘Yeah, but it’s different if we both have morning breath, now it’s just wrong,’ you turn away and get up.

‘No, come back,’ he calls.  ‘Please, I’m sorry.’

‘The betrayal,’ you shout back on your way to the bathroom.

While in the bathroom, you use the toilet, brush your teeth and fix your hair a little bit, wash your face.  It makes you feel awake.  When you get back you shoot him a dirty look.

‘I’m sorry,’ he chokes on a laugh.  ‘I didn’t think you’d be so offended.’

‘You want to make the pizza yet?’  you ask, letting your face relax. 

‘Come kiss me, so we can take advantage of the freshness first,’ he says, holding his arms open to you. 

You climb on top of him, straddling his hips and lean down to kiss him.  ‘Tell me if I’m too much, you know, on top of you.’

‘What?’ he asks. 

‘If I’m squishing you,’ you clarify. 

‘Oh no, you’re perfect right there,’ he says, shaking his head like that was a ridiculous thing to say.  His hands rest on your hips.  The kisses are sweet and minty and slow.  And then you hear Noah’s stomach rumble.

‘You’re hungry,’ you giggle at the loudness of the sounds coming from him.

‘Apparently,’ he places a large hand on his tummy. 

You use the dough and the prepared ingredients to assemble the breakfast pizza and sit together waiting for the cheese to bubble.  ‘Watched cheese never bubbles.’

He snorts.  ‘You are watching pretty intently.’

‘Let us test the theory,’ you shrug. 

Soon the cheese melts and turns a golden brown and you remove the pizza and then you cut it into pieces and enjoy.  ‘This was the best idea anyone has ever had,’ he says around a large mouthful. 

‘Well,’ you blow on a piece before you take a bite.  ‘That is an exaggeration.  But it’s close.’

Noah takes the last piece and chews with his eyes closed.  ‘So good.’  Then he lays back down on his back where he was and pats his thighs.  ‘Please take your seat.’

You climb back on top of him.  ‘So much for the brushed teeth now.’

‘Even better, our breaths will smell of breakfast pizza,’ his eyes squints with his smile.

You lean down and he immediately wraps arms around you.  ‘Let’s test the theory,’ you say right before you kiss him.

‘What a scientific morning we are having,’ he says between kisses.

‘What?’ you ask.

‘Testing all the theories,’ he clarifies.

‘And?’

‘I was right,’ he says.  ‘Let me sit up.  No, you stay right there please.’

With very little smoothness and success he moves backwards against the pillows to he relax back and you are still in his lap.  Out of breath the both of you from the effort and giggles, you touch and support each other. 

‘Can I take off your top?’ he asks in a whisper and the giggles die down a little. 

‘Can we take off yours first?’ you ask.

‘Of course,’ he leans forward a little and together to pull on the hoodie and when his arms go straight up, you pull it off him, and you immediately grab the vest he has under it and make quick work of it too.  Your hands go his broad and bony shoulders and feel the skin.  ‘Now you?’

You nod, a small part of you feeling self-conscious.  But, again, Noah marvels at all the skin that is revealed, touching with care. 

‘Your tits are so beautiful,’ he says not taking his eyes off you.  He takes them in his hands, feeling the weight, he pushes them together, kisses and licks.  ‘My hands were made for these.’

You feel him getting harder where you are sitting on his lap.  It makes you feel powerful.

His hands go up your back and he kisses your forehead and cheeks.  ‘I am going to flip us over,’ he says, making eye contact.  He waits until you nod.  Then, again, with no elegance, you lay back and he is on top.  ‘Pants?’  he asks.  ‘May I?’

‘Yes,’ you say and he works them down.  

‘Lovely,’ he says as his hands smooth up your thighs and he coaxes them apart.  His mouth is on you, his hands reach up and squeezes at your breasts.  You put your hands on his and allow the sensations to course through you.  It’s not long before he looks up at you from between your legs and he asks, ‘Can I fuck you, please?’

You feel yourself clench at the thought.  ‘Please,’ you gasp. 

He sits up and fights his pants off his body and his cock is hard and red.  It was big, but not ridiculously so, you think it’s actually kind of perfect, it curved slightly to the left.  He grabs it in his hand and strokes himself exactly twice.  Then he reaches over to his side of the bed and grabs a box of condoms.  He looks guilty.

‘Where did those come from?’ you ask.

‘I brought them along,’ he says sheepishly.  ‘I had hopes,’ he admits.  ‘Sorry is that was extremely presumptuous.’

‘No, I think it’s kind of sweet,’ you smile at him and take the condom packet from him where you tear it open, remove the piece of latex and then you roll it down on him.  He holds his breath.

You lay back down and he settles between your legs.  ‘I’ll go slow,’ he says.  He grabs a hold of himself and positions the head of his cock.  ‘Are you sure?’

You nod and look up.

‘Are you ready?’ he whispers, seeming nervous. 

‘Yeah,’ you exhale.

‘Could you look at me?  Please?’

You look at him in the eye.  His eyes soft.  He looked scared.  You reach a hand down and took a hold of his.  ‘What’s wrong?’ you ask, and you start sitting up.

‘You look unsure,’ he says. ‘I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do.’

You brushed your hand through his hair and combed it back with your fingers before you kissed him softly.  ‘Baby,’ you say softly.  He makes eye contact.  You remember him calling you ‘baby’ the previous time, and it felt right in the moment.  ‘Are you sure?’

He nods.  Then inhales sharply like he wants to say something. 

‘Tell me,’ you encourage him.

‘I want to really bad,’ he starts.  ‘But I’m scared I can’t…’ he looks down. 

You think you understand.  ‘It’s okay,’ you kiss the corner of his mouth a few times.

‘I don’t want to disappoint you,’ he sighs softly.

‘You won’t,’ you assure him.  ‘Because I’m not putting pressure on this situation.  Okay?’ 

He nods a little.

‘Let’s not put any pressure on anything,’ you say.  ‘We can stop right now.’  You rest your forehead against his. 

‘Can you be on top?’ he asks.

You take a moment to think.  And you decide to be honest.  ‘I feel really self-conscious about my stomach,’ you whisper.  ‘Can I put my top back on?’

He reaches out and grabs at his clothes that were closer.  ‘My vest?’ he offers.

‘Okay, thanks.’  He helps you pull it over your head.

‘You know you don’t have to be right?’ he says, pulling his vest down. 

‘You don’t either,’ you counter.  ‘But maybe we start slowly, and give each other the opportunity to get there.’

He nods and bites his lip to one side.  ‘Deal.’

So, again, he positions himself so that the pillows were supporting him while he was sitting up and you sat on his lap.  He held his cock with one hand and other hand was on your hip. 

‘Go slow,’ he says softly. 

You wrap your arms around his shoulder and slowly lower yourself down.  You pause when his head is inside you.  He takes a few a deep breaths.  You wait for the stretch to stop stinging a little, before you go further. 

‘Fuuuck,’ he breathes out, his voice low.  ‘That feels so good.  You’re doing so good.’

You cling to him a little tighter. 

‘You okay?’ he asks.

‘Hurts a little, just give me a moment,’ you say softly.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says. 

‘No, just let me get used to you,’ you explain.  Slowly you work yourself down until he is all the way in. 

He slowly drags his fingers up and down your thighs.  ‘Take your time,’ his mouth is on your neck where he drops a kiss every now and then.  Mostly you feel his breath.

‘Can I move?’ you ask after a while.  When he chokes out an affirmative, you mostly just start grinding a little, feeling him inside you, testing how it all feels, his hands rests on your hips.

‘This feels even better than I imagined,’ he whispers to you.  ‘It feels like your pussy was made for me,’ his voice stays soft but he giggles a little.  ‘Was that stupid to say?’

‘No,’ you smile.  ‘I understand what you’re saying.’

‘It sounded better in my head,’ he admits.  ‘Are you feeling… good?’

‘Yes,’ you gasp, arching your back a little.  ‘I’m not sure what it is that I’m grinding my clit into, but this feels so good.’

‘Probably my pubic bone,’ he says, tilting his head and frowning he is thinking so hard.  ‘Tell me more.’

You swallow and hide your face in his neck.  ‘I feel you inside, so deep,’ you try to say what you are feeling.  ‘I like your hands on my hips.’

‘I really want to grab your tits,’ he answers.  ‘I don’t want to if that makes you uncomfortable.  They look so good in my vest.’

‘You can,’ you give permission.  He holds them, a little bit under the vest a little bit over and he leans forward and kisses the soft flesh and he squeezes.  You are sure its involuntary but you feel him thrust.  It’s very small movements because he has no leverage and you are sitting on him.  Almost like he is just tilting his hips into you and that makes that he is hitting something inside of you that feels like electricity shooting from that spot though your body. 

‘Mmmmm,’ you keep grinding.  ‘I’m very close.’

‘That’s good, keep going.  What do you need?’ he asks. 

‘Keep doing exactly what you are doing with your hips,’ you say, hardy having enough air in your lungs to get it out.

He does what you ask and he keeps kissing at your chest and neck.  ‘That’s it,’ he says sweetly.  ‘Please come on me,’ he begs.

‘Noah,’ you start, saying it like a warning.  ‘Noah,’ you repeat.

‘I’m here, baby.  I got you,’ his hands are in your hair.  You see some sweat forming on his beautiful face.

You say his name one last time and your whole body starts to shake a little, your hips do not stop moving, but do lose some rhythm.  You moan and cry out, you know this, but you could not hear yourself.  You only have rushing in your ears.  When it finally stops, you rest your forehead on him and his hand strokes down your back. 

‘Amazing.  You did a good job, baby.  Just breathe.  You’re alright,’ he keeps repeating sweet words to you in a sweet voice until you the rushing stops. 

‘What do you need?’ you ask him, feeling him still very hard inside of you, feeling the small twitch every now and then.

‘Can you lean forward a little, lift your hips just a little?’  you do that, resting your weight on the back of the couch.  ‘You sure you’re okay?  Not too sensitive?’

You didn’t really know.  ‘It’s fine.  Take what you need.’

He starts slowly thrusting up into you, and it is sensitive but not overly so.  He quickly picks up his pace and it wasn’t long before you heard your skin slapping together as he slammed into you.  ‘Is it… too… much?’  he chokes out.

‘No,’ you answer.  Never before have you felt like you could orgasm again so soon after having just had one – but it was everything like before just amplified.  He was still hitting that spot inside, his pubic bone getting to your clit, with the extra sensation of him thrusting in and out of you. 

‘Oh my god,’ his voice was strained.  ‘Oh my fucking god.  Fuck.’  When his voice started changing into growls, he gripped you tighter.  He came with gasps and whines and growls.  He breathes hotly against your skin for a while as he come down. 

‘Hey, are you okay?’ you ask after a while, not wanting to break the spell, but worried because he was not speaking. 

‘I came so hard,’ he says as an answer. 

He moves a little and, you lift yourself a little so he could slip out of you.  Your first thought was that it felt wrong to not have him inside anymore.  He takes off the condom and ties it off. 

You lay down and pull the covers over you both, where you are facing each other, legs entwined.  It was quiet for so long, where you were just touching each other’s hair, face and hands. 

‘You were so perfect,’ his voice hardly audible.  ‘I cannot even explain.’

You kiss his knuckles.  ‘I’m so proud of you.’  You don’t know why, but you felt it with your whole body. 

You fall asleep with his lips against your forehead, gripping onto each other.

NICK

I knock on her door.  It’s dark outside but most of the snow has melted and the beginnings of Spring was in the air.  You hear the loud barking inside.  She smiles widely when she opens the door for me.

‘Hey,’ he exclaims, standing back to let me in.

‘Hi, sorry for bothering you,’ I say as I step inside the warm interior of her house.

‘You’re not bothering at all,’ she leads the way and I follow.  Suddenly she frowns.  ‘Is everything okay?’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ I quickly reassure.  ‘He is playing Elden Ring with Vincent at home,’ I point over my shoulder helpfully. 

‘Yeah, he said he would be,’ she says.  ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

‘Noah says your hot chocolate is very good.’

‘Sure,’ she turns.  ‘Come sit with me while I make us some.’

She busies herself with cupboards and cups and bottles. 

‘How’s work?’  she asks, her back turned to me. 

‘Good, really good.  I’m fully booked for a full week,’ I tell her.  ‘I sometimes have to pinch myself that it’s actually working out, you know?’

‘Yeah, I’m so happy for you,’ she eyes are warm and her smile genuine when she hands a warm cup.

‘Oh, he was not wrong,’ I quickly say after taking a sip.

She shrugs playfully.  ‘Is Noah okay?’  she asks.  I can see tension in her hands.

I nod.  ‘That’s not why I am here.’ 

She lets go of a breath. 

‘He has actually been better than I’ve seen him in years,’ I add.  ‘But, I’m here for the gun.’

Her eyes go wide a moment. 

‘I just thought that it’s probably not a good idea that you have it.  I don’t want you to get into trouble, or anything,’ I explain.

She nods.  ‘Yeah, you’re right.’  She wrings her hands some more.  ‘What are you going to do with it?’

‘I’m going to hand it in,’ I say simply.  ‘I’ll tell Noah afterwards.  But there won’t be one in the house anymore.’

She gets up and disappears into the house.  She comes back carrying the gun away from her body.  ‘Here you go.  Do you want a bag or something?’

‘I brought one,’ I say as I put it away.  ‘Where were you keeping it, if you don’t mind my asking?’

She blushes.  ‘Under my bed.’

‘Oh.’

She shrugs again.  ‘It worked pretty well.’

‘I suppose,’ I laugh and she laughs with me.

‘Thanks for thinking of all this,’ she says seriously.  ‘I should have done something long ago.’

‘You helped in other ways, don’t worry.’

We hug before I leave, it’s a little bit awkward. We were still on our way to being friends.

NOAH

I’m holding her hand as we watch Willow chase birds next to the river.  The warm summer air comfortable around is the sun sets in the distance, the sky all pinks and purples and oranges.

‘How was therapy today,’ she asks as she swings her feet under the bench we were sitting on.

‘Good,’ I answer.  ‘We were talking about why I like staying at home so much.’

‘Oh yeah?’ she asks.

‘She doesn’t know who I hang out with most of my time at home.  Then she’d understand,’ I deflect a little.

She never asks more than how it went.  She never asks what was discussed.  She only listened if I chose to tell her.  I usually only told her when it’s something I feel like I worked through. 

‘She adjusted my medication,’ I tell her.  ‘She said it’s fine if I drink it at night, and she says these should have fewer side-effects.’

‘How long before you must report back?’

‘Six weeks, but I should contact her if there’s anything alarming,’ I answer.  I hang my head a little.

‘It’ll work,’ she says.  ‘You are already doing so much better, Noah.  I am so very proud of you.’

‘Are you?’ I ask doubtfully.  ‘I still feel like there’s so far to go.’

‘I am always proud.  I have been since the day we met,’ she leans in to kiss my cheek.  ‘Difficult days will never go away, but then we just keep trying.  And we keep going.’

‘Are you sleeping over at mine tonight?’ I ask as I rest my head on her shoulder.  ‘Please?’

‘Mmm, did you find my tooth brush, or must I bring my one from home?’ she asks.

‘Just use mine,’ I say.  She makes a face.  ‘My mouth has been all over your body.  Every nook and cranny, why does the toothbrush bother you?’

‘It doesn’t,’ she starts.  ‘It’s just the principle.’

‘Your mouth has been all over me…’ I carry on.

‘Okay,’ she giggles.  ‘I get it.’

‘I’m hungry, let’s go get tacos before we go home?’ I suggest.

‘Sure,’ she says.

‘Noah needs to eat,’ I say and then I wiggle my eyebrows at her.

She blinks.  ‘As soon as you get our oversized child to leave the birds alone.’

I get up and start calling and chasing after Willow.

We walk back, one hand holding hers and the other holding the leash.  ‘I love you.’

She sneaks an arm around my waist.  ‘I love you, Noah.’

‘Thank you for being there,’ I kiss the top of her head.