#noahxchambers

It's funny, but you're... You're the most... God, fuck being drunk because I can't say half the things I'd like to. I can't make this sound the way I want to, and I don't want it to come out wrong because quite frankly, you deserve for me to say all of the right things. But most importantly, you deserve for me to say the truth. About everything, because as much as it hurts to say these things, hurting you hurts far more.

So I guess I'll start at the beginning, just so you get the full picture. We dated for three months if I remember correctly, and... it meant something. I know that when we broke up we just chalked it up to the fact that it'd been us trying to see if there was something there, and realizing there wasn't... but that wasn't the truth. When you broke up with me in the quad that day, it hurt. And it showed me that the boy who took me to cafes on our first date, who made me sit through entire Doctor Who marathons and wouldn't even make out with me during those was someone else too. He was someone who could break my heart if I let him. So after that, I told myself relationships were for suckers. That I wasn't going to give out my heart again because, if three months hurt that badly, who knew what more time could do? And now, three years later, I finally have that answer and let me tell you, it's horrible. I don't blame my breakup with Adam on you, you know, because he made his choice. It wasn't your fault that.. God, did I even tell you why we broke up? It's because he thought I was someone else, built me up to be some idealistic dream girl who he could somehow fit into his world, and then when he realized I wasn't that person, he left. And all I could think of when he did, was that you wouldn't have. It's ridiculous, how when I was getting dumped, I was thinking about you. But maybe that's the point, maybe it's because... you weren't the only person who couldn't stop thinking about the past this entire time. It's terrifying, having these feelings that I don't know what to do with, and... now you're right. Now I'm not that girl anymore, the girl you met three years ago and I don't know how to get her back. I feel so fucking lost and instead of doing the smart thing and turning to you, I ran the other way into everyone else's arms but yours because it seemed like it'd hurt less. It seemed like, if I pushed away all of those feelings I've been carrying for you, maybe I'd forget them. It's a pathetic excuse, but we both know it's the only one I have. 

God, this letter makes no sense because I'm tired and not sober at all, and I just... I'm sorry, Noah. I'm sorry that I was an idiot and let some blonde douchebag get in my head and convince me to change. I'm sorry that... you never gave up, and I did, that I thought I had to find someone to replace the feelings I had for you, because you've been the only constant I've had for the past few years. I'm sorry that I'm selfish, and moody, and that I finally returned the favor and broke your heart. I shouldn't have hooked up with Austin, Jake, or even Phillip, which you don't know about. Shit. That was literally the most thoughtless thing I've ever done, to use Phillip to try to feel less shitty about you. You're right, that I'm not the same girl anymore. And I wish I was. I wish I could just take it all back because... what you said after our date, it meant something. You... you've never just been my friend, Noah. We're Grace and Noah, and as much as it scares me, that means something and it's always going to.

I don't know when I became this person, the girl who lied, and didn't put other people's feelings before her own. This isn't me, I'm better than this and we both know that. I've blamed Adam for months now, for crafting me into this person who needed the things I never have, like approval and to always keep a guard up because I'm terrified, but the truth is, it's no one's fault but my own. Adam didn't make me hurt you, I did that all on my own, and I'm so terribly sorry. It doesn't matter why I did it, because I did. You, the person who's been there for me through everything, who I made silly promises like pacts if we were both single after graduation with, who knows me better than anyone, are the person I hurt and god, that's the last thing I wanted to do. All I've ever wanted was to make you happy, whether it's by platonic means or more than that, and somehow, I ended up doing the exact opposite. You're kind of my person, to be completely cliche, and that means something. You mean something. Always have, always will, you know? Somehow, I thought we'd end up together, and maybe that explains the pact. Maybe that explains it all, I don't know. All I know is that I don't... I don't know how to be Grace Hart without you, and now I don't have you. 

I don't expect you to forgive me, or to even say anything in return to this. I just needed to get it all out, because... I don't want to fall apart every time I see you. And maybe this will give you some sense of peace of mind, so you know that I care about you. Because even if I've been a complete bitch lately, keeping secrets from you and hurting you, I do care. Just know that someday, I'll stop being so ridiculous and.. who knows. Three years ago, you needed to grow up, and maybe now it's my turn. People can change, Noah. I know they can, and someday, I'll be your Grace again and maybe I'll deserve half of the love you seem to have for me. For now, you deserve so much better than this, than the secrets, and the lies and the hurt. I'm really sorry, again, for the fact that this letter is incoherent and probably doesn't make any sense at all.

I love you and I'm sorry,