i fucking want to die so fucking much why am i not even allowed to have a fucking dream where even one right thing happens without it getting completely fucking ruined

there are so many ways I am trying to survive and still. too much of me is trying to die.

but also some people are so kind to me and it makes me so grateful ♥️♥️ and it's hard to detach the question of "but do I deserve that kind of kindness?" from the whole thing yet. someday I hope I can get there. it means so much nonetheless.

pointing out hypocrisy to the hypocrites in my life as if it will ever change a single fucking thing. don't bother wishing me luck it won't matter.

literally how many times do I have to be told that I'm worthless in my life.

it really is something especially miserable when a part of you is miserable every day no matter how incredible and wonderful and special the day's circumstances happened to be. there is something especially miserable about how the joy of seeing a newborn moose calf or holding a bear or helping catch an eider just never, ever ever ever overrides the sense that your whole life has suddenly gone wrong and that there is no fucking fixing it. i have to grasp both in my hands. i must hold the joy and wonder and excitement close to me, the knowledge that god i am so so incredibly fortunate, that i worked for this and i would be worse than a fool to take it for granted today. and in my heart and my fist and my chest and my throat i must also hold this feeling that somehow, without good reason, without real warning, a part of my life is over. and i can't fucking reckon with that. i just fucking can't. i can't look at it straight, i can't accept it, i can't live with it -- and so it lives in the corner of my eyesight at all times. i look at it, perpetually, sideways. it lives in my dreams, and in my sleep when i waken without quite remembering them. and so i find myself living a half-life. i wrote a poem about how to navigate your life as a dead animal. today was one of those days when i not only came home feeling like one, but smelling like it too.

had difficult career discussion on Thursday drafted a message to people who hurt me through inaction on Saturday got angry at my dad over the phone on Sunday and barely slept last night and woke up this morning to a text that my counseling appointment got cancelled and rescheduled to Friday. now I have to go silently click buttons in an empty office room for 8 hours. I've never dreaded a single thing about this job in the 3 seasons I've been doing it and baby today I am dreading going to work. why do I have to be experiencing this right now.