#no flow

“my goodness Nia. it was just like yesterday you were Kaylani’s age and size, so small and chubby. now you’re so much bigger!” Nia giggles and says, “one day i’ll be as big as you, maybe more mama!” Luna’s face scrunches up, “hmmm, i don’t know about that. us filipinos don’t get that tall. i’m pretty short and your daddy’s height is pretty average, too.” Luna’s mouth opens into a big grin thinking how Milo would probably hate to hear that, considering how he likes to think he’s taller than most… which she finds hilarious because she has no idea what ‘most’ he’s talking about. 

Nia turns her head up and her big brown eyes widen with curiosity, “Was grandmama Ophelia short too?” Luna’s eyes glisten quickly—shocked that Nia mentioned her because her mom hasn’t been around to see her or her family in a couple years. it’s mainly Milo’s parents that have been around to visit… Luna lets out a big sigh from remembering that thought but quickly hides her saddened expression and smiles at Nia. “yeah, she was.” Nia lets out a roaring laugh and exclaims, “short people for the win!” Luna joins in laughter and pulls Nia into her arms. 

she attempts to cradle Nia as if she was two years old again and cuddles her up like today would be the last day she’d ever hold her again. “Nia, baby, you know mommy loves you right?” Nia’s head perks back out and she replies, “yes mama, i do! i love you more!” 

I dont question your love.

What i question is what my love means to you.

You’re love to me is like winning the lottery.

I dont know what my love is worth to you.

I know if I had a choice of winning the lottery or you; Id still choose you.

You’d probably tell me choose the lottery you, ill always love you.

Which is fine.

But in this moment I have money in the bank, a job I love, i finally found my passion in writing and I’m actually trying to figure out how to go back to school or at least figure out how to be a better writer.

Im proud of my self. I feel like I’m doing something.

I feel like perhaps I’m getting my head above water.

But this emptiness you left in me just isn’t being filled.

Being with you made me feel like i was whole for the first time my whole life.

I dont need that feeling.

I’m still alive.

I’m still here.

My hearts beating.

I'm breathing.

I'm surviving

But i don’t want to feel empty.

I want to feel full.

And that’s why ill always chose you over the lottery.

If I chose the lottery…. My pockets will always be full, but my heart empty.

(Supposed to be spoken not written fyi) Boom crackalakalaka laka laka etc… I’m lacking something… no, anything? No, everything?! It seems like there just isn’t anymore. Where there was, it isn’t Or so I’ve heard it’s all gone But these people flash their hearts For a split second And make me feel like there is. But they vanish too fast. And when you are caught up in the moment What was becomes what isn’t And it catches up to you in the end. Their spark and glitter sizzles in the drizzle Fading to the dark