#nmd2015

So many emotions to go through in 24 hours.

A really nice guy tells me I remind him of his ex, so I think about it for a few hours and get a little bitter.

My relationship with one of the people I am closest with has completely changed in the last year and even more in the last 24 hours. So many songs to describe it that it isn’t even funny. Yet I can’t even be mad, even if I felt so terrible about it that I cried myself to sleep.

Woke up because the snow plows were plowing the snow at 5am and then still woke up 15 minutes before my alarm, got in the shower and got emotional again.

Put on my makeup and tried to think about nothing as I got ready in silence for the first time in ages.

Had breakfast, cleaned off my car, drove to work, got peach tea from Starbucks, and walked to the office.

Sat down and tried not to be bitter about everything while at work; everyone is silent and then the day continues.

Tried to make it to lunch, sat down and found myself alone in a whole building while flipping through Instagram looking at photos of Alan Rickman, who I am really, really sad has died.

Cried at lunch listening to Explosions by Ellie Goulding.

Got it together to go back to work.

Met with a staff member to propose some ideas about a student org that we run and got really good feedback in return.

I’m graduating in May with a M. Ed. in Student Affairs Administration. That means that I will be helping a college or university to successfully run the “non-academic/credit stuff”, or better stated, “I don’t teach a subject, I teach students. I help students get their education while they earn their degree. I remind students not to major in minor things. I help students get a life outside the classroom. I take higher education deeper. I am one of the most powerful educators on a college campus. I am a Student Affairs Professional”. (The Good Work Student Affairs Professionals Do, Aug. 2015).

even though I procrastinated on my own. but really, would you want to start writing a paper that has an unclear expectation of content? so I procrastinated. and I get clearly that complaining just prolongs the writing process. but a girl’s gotta vent for a second. 

I have spent 24 hours (non consecutively, with hour-long breaks for food, and seeing friends overnight) writing this paper. if it would have been easier to write or had a concise question and expectations, I likely would’ve written it a week ago.

so I still have 4 full pages to fill, in hopes that I score at least a 22/30 for a 73%.

so, at some point in earlier 2015, my ex messaged me to ask about something that my dad still had of his (he ended up not having it...anyway). we got to talking and asking about life, me saying that I do truly hope he’s happy, he is, and that’s great for him, we didn’t talk about anything out of context, I made sure there were boundaries because he is married and has been for maybe two years now. he had started asking me weird things the day after he initiated conversation, so I asked if his wife knew he was having a conversation with me, and he said no and that she would be mad...and then he kept asking weird stuff. so I said that I don’t want to be a reason for an argument and that we shouldn’t be talking if she wouldn’t like it, even if we were talking about normal human stuff. Again, I don’t know his wife, I am glad he is happy, and I did not message him first and we haven’t talked since. 

TODAY I found out that Facebook has a messages section for “other”, And this is what I found from his wife (from August 19, and then two thumbs up from her on September 9, both this year - my ex and I maybe had that conversation in March or April): 

“I just want to let you know that you are a horrible person. What kind of decent human being contacts a married man on facebook??? I knew you weren't over him. Im so disgusted with you!...and you call yourself a Christian? I went to Christian my entire life, and I'm pretty sure that would be a trashy move to God. Grow and up and leave my husband alone! He wasn't good enough for you when you were cheating on him in Mexico, so you missed the boat honey! You are a complete bitch! If i ever find out you even look at his pictures, we will have a major problem! What typical New England white trash you are. Enjoy your boring life at a school no one heard of! You should see how awesome our life is....great jobs, big house, and plenty of good friends and family. Thank god he moved down here away from all you people. He is so much better than you! Peace bitch! “

wow. no desire to respond (I can’t anyway for some reason, but wouldn’t want to).

I didn’t contact him first, like I said. I would never want to wreck someone’s marriage when that is a commitment I hope to have in the future with someone. 

Definitely not attracted to him anymore and haven’t seen him since 2012. 

Yes, I’m a Christian. No, not trashy. So sorry that I’m perceived that way.

I have never cheated and never will. I broke up with him for many reasons, one of which was because he was insecure and thought I would. Didn’t know learning how to salsa dance from a male instructor, who was highly unattractive, is considered cheating in American culture.

I don’t like boats or honey. A bitch is a female dog, I am human.

You can’t find out if someone even looks at facebook photos.

“Major problem”...she lives in Florida & I’m in Buffalo. 

White trash...sounds gross. I do identify as white though, glad that’s cleared up.

Getting my masters degree, holla.

I am genuinely happy that their life is great, because even if it didn’t work out (for good reasons), everyone deserves happiness and success. But a big house doesn’t mean anything if you aren’t secure in your marriage.

She forgot to capitalize the G in God. 

My perception of my ex has not changed, I’m sure he is still a great human being who cares for and loves his wife and animals and likes Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin and all that stuff. My perception of his wife is unfortunately negative, but I do honestly wish them the best, and I hope never to come across his wife because 1) she could kick my butt, 2) I would laugh, and 3) I would be cool and calm and she would hate me for it.

If you can make it through this long post, there is a great discussion point at the end labeled So, here’s the educational part. If you want to skip the story, feel free. Anyone who knows me IRL and reads this, here’s to hoping you don’t see me differently, because I am just Nicole after all. 

The story.

I am going to be open and share something that I have shared with many people in certain contexts. But being that this happened 6 years ago in 2009 to this day, I can’t help but reflect on where I have been and where I hope to go and to possibly educate anyone who might read this with as much grace as possible. 

In 2009 starting my senior year in high school, a smooth-talking football player danced with me at my senior homecoming. He was cute, I didn’t know anything except that he was awesome in my eyes. A football player was dancing with me? And then he asked for my number and I graciously gave it to him. For days I was distracted by his sweet texts and his invitation to have dinner at his house and meet his mom the following Sunday. 

I drove over to his house and was nervous because, oh my gosh, I was going to hang out with this guy who I had possibly been crushing on and nervous to talk to for a few years. Football players didn’t talk to me, I was the nerd who got all As and helped other people do their homework and didn’t break the rules. He let me in, I met his mom, and then we went to watch TV on the lower floor of his split-level house, which had a weird smell and Family Guy was on TV (later in my RA years, I found out that it was marijuana). 

We go hang out and he starts kissing me. A football player was kissing me? I don’t kiss random guys. So “young me” wanted to have the conversation about what it meant. He didn’t comply. Instead he decided that doing other things would keep me quiet, or so he thought. I didn’t know what to say, I thought maybe it was fine because that’s what everyone else was doing, especially if they were dating the football players. I was incredibly uncomfortable as he did some questionable things to me. Not everything, but enough to make me uncomfortable. So when I said “NO”, “I don’t want to”, “stop”, he covered my mouth so his mother couldn’t hear me yelling those things and he continued to push me down. I must note that dirty talk was not sexy at all, nothing was in that context. But what does a girl who has only ever kissed a guy know what is wrong and right if no one is telling her?

Hours later when I could finally go after saying that my curfew was really earlier than it was, I drove home, fixed my hair, and walked into my house. My mother asked how it was seeing the guy, I said it was good, but I’m really tired and needed to shower “so I didn’t need to the next morning”, and cleaned up and went to bed after sending my best friend at the time a text that said I needed to talk to her. 

The next morning, a Monday, I went to school and went through the day. I tried to see football guy because for some reason, what had happened was something I had mistakenly perceived as some sort of affection. We glanced at each other, and when I tried to talk to him, he walked away with a girl who would soon be his girlfriend (and possibly right now, his fiancee or wife, they were together long after high school). I tried to tell people I trusted, “hey, this happened. I don’t know what to think”. I was a confused almost-eighteen-year-old. I asked my best friend for advice, and she said “oh my gosh, you went as far as me and *boyfriend*”, and we have been together for 3 years. Are you going to see him again?” To which I responded that he hadn’t talked to me since, and I later came to find out he would never speak to me again.

People had started calling me a slut. I didn’t know what to think at all, so I continued to believe that it was just a night where a guy had shown affection and nearly one-night-stood-me-up. And then my long-term (now ex) boyfriend and college came into play. 

I won’t go into detail with my ex, but I will say that by the end of our relationship, he looked a lot to me like football guy ended up looking. 

One truly does find herself in college. After going away to a private school 437 miles from home, I had no one and I made my own friends. Let me tell you, this was the best decision that was ever made. Once my first year ended, I had decided to apply to be an RA (resident advisor/assistant) and THAT was one of many beautiful and amazing choices I made that led me to where I am now. 

After becoming an RA and going through a week’s worth of training, I became close to a staff of 21 people who had my back, particularly 2 ladies, one of which was a Christian all her life, and the other who had not practiced regularly. They were co-RAs and hung out together 98% of the time, and I was invited to join them with my little knowledge of Christianity. I went to church with them a few times, but this time, I sat with them and they played the Great I AM, a worship song that sticks with me with such power, and they played it twice that day, at the beginning and the end of the service. I had not been an avid churchgoer, I had not declared myself a Christian at this point, and I didn’t know what to make of it when the tears poured down my face and I began sobbing and one of my girls had to hold me in her arms. Because it was then that I realized that 2 years ago (at that point), I was sexually assaulted, and I had no idea what to make of it. That moment, in the 2nd row of the church I have recently called my home church, the place where I now feel I belong and that I am not judged, changed me forever. 

Practicing Christianity and its values is not for everyone. I am not to judge and I do not shun those who do not practice organized religion. In fact, I hope that I do not come off as that type of person. But I will tell you that my faith, which genuinely kicked into full gear in 2011, is something that has since helped me cope with some unfortunate events in my life, such as my mother’s cancer diagnosis 14 years ago, my dad’s heart attack and recovery these past few months, the distance I had put between my family and myself over misunderstandings the last 3 years, missing my nieces who live 18 hours from where I live and who I haven’t seen in over a year, and emotionally abusive relationships, among many other things. 

My wish for other survivors of sexual assault is that you can receive closure and justice. I do believe in justice. While sexual assault is not rape, it is still punishable by law. I hope that people you trust to tell your story to will help guide you to the resources you need. I hope that perpetrators will be educated on how what they do or did was wrong. I hope that your best friends stick by you - but if they don’t, you get an amazing opportunity to find YOU. 

Do not let your experiences cause you to hold every potential romantic partner at an arm’s length, because there will be one person who can see through that and still wants to care about you anyway. Trust is hard-earned and easily lost, but eventually you will learn to let someone in who thinks “you’re the bee’s knees” (direct quote). 

I have forgiven football guy, yet have not talked to him and do not wish to. In fact, the rumor mill told me that after me, he did it to another girl in hopes of fulfilling his own “needs”. I digress. 

I have chosen to take my voice and raise awareness, to be kind to everyone, to try to remain positive when anything happens. Because guess what? I’m alive. What happened to me did not cause me to take extreme measures nor did it cause me to be cynical and to push people away. Because for some people, that is what they need to do for a little while until they can gather their own sense of healing. Mine just happened to be through faith. 

So, here’s the educational part: 

These are just some of the resources I can think up at the moment, but the first one in particular is close to my heart. 

Grace Brown is a phenomenal photographer and an overall genuinely beautiful human being who I had the opportunity to meet and be photographed by in October of 2012. Her project is titled Project Unbreakable and the link can be found here. Please DONATE to Project Unbreakable so Grace and her team can continue traveling to colleges and speaking, as well as photographing survivors so they can receive closure like I did through her project. 

RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) is a resource that provides an online hotline as well as a telephone hotline (1.800.656.HOPE) for survivors of sexual assault and other abuses listed above. 

If you are talking to someone who has been sexually assaulted, please refer to them as a survivor. Victim is a term that is negative to many people. I am a survivor because I have been through it and I have come to terms. It is a positive term if a term has to be used (because let’s face it, I don’t talk about this in my everyday life). 

Please be aware that sexual assaults can happen to anyone in any type of relationship. It is not just cis women assaulted by cis men; absolutely anyone can go through something like this. 

While EVERYONE should be educated, I do find that in the college-aged community and in the high school-aged community, young heterosexual cis men especially are not socially educated on consent and being sexually respectful. This is not because of my personal situation. Peer accountability training or discussions could be one form of education geared toward a particular group of people. Just based on some peer-reviewed sources I have read in my research. 

2. Tomorrow is Friday, thank goodness. I’m helping with an opening weekend picnic and then I get to chill.

3. Saturday is the day I’ll read 40 pages for my Monday class.

4. Sunday is church and I may or may not go to an intramural softball meeting.

5. Monday is work and my first class.

I have one tomorrow for a new assistantship at 9am. Nervous.

It’s with the study abroad office. I can do this.