#niukoiku

I don't know if anyone I used to know still uses this dumb website or if they're just like me... check it every month or two.

So Have this, if you haven't seen it yet. It's important.

I do art commissions now.

I used to pretend I was happy. Sometimes I was, other times it was a forced fake persona that I learnt from many content creators. They didn’t teach me that and that was never their goal.

I’m now 27, stuck at home because after all my carefulness to not bring COVID into my household, My folks brought it in. I know partially im just feeling sorry for myself. I’m not majorly ill and neither is my mum. I can’t help but worry though. 

My brain keeps filing back to the times i had, where I was happy. And the reasons why i fucked that up. I remember telling myself multiple times, and sometimes i told them this. “This isn’t the real me”. And it was always true. I hadn’t grown enough and most of the time they hadn’t either. “No more self-improvement ‘cause you’re not allowed to grow.” I feel like I haven’t been allowing myself to grow. Something won’t let me? Maybe that just me. 

I know I have to let somethings go. Which is difficult even though i pushed people away before. you think it’d be easy. 

I keep going through my happiness, my friendships, my intimate relationships, and it lets me know where and when i fucked up. But i can’t stop? I can’t learn from it maybe? I’m too hung up and jealous of the life they live without me there. 

I think now, and i know there are people that care about me, a few infact. but i’ve lived the last 10 years of my life in a similar place. I mean mentally. 

My sister leaves for uni soon. and i keep thinking what the hell am i gunna do without her? I stayed to protect her? Make sure she could do what she wanted? 

What? because i couldn’t? Because I wouldn’t? Because i’m so pissed off with myself that i have to make her happy? Make sure she can be the clever one? Make sure she can live her dreams because I never could? 

I don’t like talking about my feelings with anyone. especially her. If i cry or sound sad it makes her sad. and wow oh look at you being a big brother. look at you caring for one person other than yourself in your entire life. 

I realise how this sounds, and guess what, this wasn’t for you? “oh there you go again being selfish”.  And yeah i get that. 

I live in escapism for most of my time. D&D has been a god send for that. I’m allowed to live in another world where i can be what i want to be. And make other people happy and have fun in the process? Score. I keep thinking about those people that i messed with. that i didn’t realise i was messing with at that time. All those people that cared, reduced to nothing because of who i was. maybe because of who i still am~? And sorry this is going no where. 

Sheree, Carly, Emily, Laura, Ellie, Matt, Lindsay, Nick. and s many more.  You’ve all changed and grown so much without me. and i am jealous. whilst i’ve been stuck in the thought of what could have been. and I don’t even mean romantically or whatever. I used to be such good friends with you. And that’s whats sad. 

I know we all get busy as we grow. But someone tells me consitently that you make time for friends.And it’d be lovely for a catch up. Lol. But what could i tell you? That all i’ve done is nothing but be someone else? Someone I never could be infront of you or others. Sigh. 

Hey, I’m streaming some games on twitch! 

I keep thinking about messaging you again, I’m sure I could find a way too. It’s been a hot minute since we talked. And those weren’t conversations. I know I was out of line, I get that I let my feelings get in the way.

It all leads me back to this though; am I a better person now than I was back then?

Short answer is; yeah, I think so.