#niquil

“It didn’t work out." 

   He had his head somewhere else and I honestly thought he was the reason the sun rose and set. He liked late night drives to clear his mind and he brought me so he felt less alone and I thought I was filling a void in him but he didn’t need me. He’s content with his sharp edges and dead ends. He thinks they give him his own edge, always asking questions makes him seem more beautifully spoken and he fed himself off the admirable looks he got when he started being philosophical. I think he got off on making everyone feel like they were lower; not as smart. He doesn’t have any fluctuations in his emotions, he doesn’t get mad or sad, he smiles a lot but it’s a front. He smiles because he has the ability to do so. Other than that, he is completely flat. After our getaway in LA, I had a tour to go on. It was my first headlining tour and I spent the 7 weeks with 5 Seconds of Summer. Niall and I kept talking the whole 2 ½ weeks leading up to the Phoenix show. He promised he would come out and see me then we could go out to dinner and hang out. The night of the show, I couldn’t stop smiling. I changed my outfit 3 times because I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted him to look at me and think, wow. I went out on stage after Ashton tried to hug me in his sweaty state. I duck under his arms and walk to the side of the stage while he retreats to the green room to cool off. Once my set is up, I walk out and look for him. The room is dark and there’s almost 400 kids here and I can’t see a lot so I don’t feel bad about it. After the show is over, I walk outside with Calum and Michael to our tour bus. We take pictures with some fans and in the crowd that is slowly becoming smaller and smaller, I still don’t see him. He didn’t show up. Ashton and Luke join us a few minutes later and Ashton picks me up, carrying me onto the bus. I sit in the back where my bed is and dial Niall’s number. It rings a few times before I hear his mellow voice telling me to leave a message. “Hey, Niall! It’s Seventeen. I missed you at the show tonight.. I get that you probably had something come up but it would have been fun to see you again. I’m here until tomorrow afternoon, maybe we could have breakfast or something. I don’t know, call me. Bye.”    Everyone except for Luke and I go to sleep. He sits beside me on the bed and frowns at me when I won’t tell him what’s wrong.    “It’s okay,” he says, “you don’t have to tell me.”    I wonder why I can’t be hooked on a boy like Luke. Why did I choose a flakey, emotionally detached, Irish boy.    “Can you just stay with me for a while? It will make me feel better.” He agrees and lies on my queen sized bed watching Cake Boss with me. All the guys complained because they had twin sized bunks and I had my own room and a big bed to myself.    The next morning, Luke is asleep in his bunk rather than on my bed with me. I check my phone, but my heart drops when I see I have no notifications. No calls from him, no texts.    I have a show at the radio station, 93.7 at 11 so I get up and get dressed, waking the guys while trying to find my jeans.    “You alright there?” Michael asks with a laugh.    “Fucking peachy. Where the hell are my black jeans?” I dig through my clothes, I don’t know what happened but I went from sort of sad to really pissed off.    “Calm down, they’re right here.” Luke jumps off the top bunk and picks them up off the floor behind me. “Take a breath.”    I frown and throw the pants on my bed and Luke pulls me into a hug.    “Breath. You can take a nap when you get back, alright?” I nod and take a step back. He smiles and leaves so I can change, shutting the sliding door behind him. I sit on my bed in my underwear for 15 minutes before finally pulling on my clothes. The guys decide to come with me downtown. At the station, I play 3 of my songs then answer a few questions.    Are you single? Yes.    How’s the album going? Fine.     How’s the tour going? It’s going.     I play one more song before we leave. The single, the fan favorite, Hurricane. As soon as we walk out of the studio, Michael decides he is hungry so we walk to the Five Guys across the street. “What happened at the concert?” Luke asks me when we sit down. Calum and Ashton are ordering and Michael is going to the bathroom, so we are alone, but he’s almost whispering. “Nothing.” “I can’t help if you don’t tell me.” “I’m fine, Luke.” I eat a few fries while they all talk. We get back to the bus at 3 and I go straight to my bed, but I don’t fall asleep until after Ashton tells me they’re getting dinner. I wake up at 10 o'clock the next morning. I grab my phone off the nightstand beside me. Still nothing. I dial his number again. I get his voicemail again. “Hi, uh, I’m in LA now. I know you’re probably like ‘oh, she’s fine we can see each other later’ and meeting up probably meant nothing to you but it meant everything to me. Fuck, now I sound clingy. I’m going to hang up.” I set my phone on the night stand again and stare at the ceiling. Where are we? Los Angeles. Right. There’s a show tonight. Ivy will be there. Oh my god, Ivy will be there. I check my phone for the time before changing. Once I open the door of the bus and breathe in the fresh air, I realize how stuffed up the bus is. The guys are playing soccer shirtless and I call Ivy. She answers after two rings. That’s a change from what I’ve been getting used to. “I’m at the venue now, will you please come early?” I don’t think I sound too desperate. But desperate enough that she is walking out of her apartment before we hang up. Where we are playing is 15 minutes from where she lives so I have 15 minutes to make up a reason as to why I needed her. I missed her. She’s my best friend. I have been surrounded by boys for a half month, I need to have girl time. Niall stood me up and is now ignoring me and my head is spinning and I’m blaming myself for him being an asshole. I stay in my trance of staring at nothing with nothing important in my head until Ashton runs over and picks me up. He runs around the playing field they arranged with dirty jeans and old converse marking the corners. The situation is so weird, Ashton carrying me around while he kicks around a ball, I feel like I should laugh, giggle and have fun. But I barely manage a smile. He sets me down in a folding chair that marks the middle of their field and runs away. I see Ivy’s vintage mustang park a few meters from us and I stand up. She gets out and runs towards me. It almost seems to go in slow motion. The dramatic moment when we run together and hug. The perfect movie situation. I hug her and she acts like I’m going to float away. If she loosens her grip on me even a little bit, I’ll fly away to join the stars. Live in the sky. “What happened? Are you okay?” She holds me down by my shoulders. I just look at her, trying to find the right words, and she nods. “Let’s go on the bus, yeah?” I nod. I don’t want to cry in front of them. Especially Luke, he will be even more worried about me than he already is. We sit on my bed and I don’t even get a word out before I break. I sob into her leather jacket and I don’t stop until I’m empty. She just rubs my back and stays quiet. “What happened?” She frowns when I lay back against the wall with a pillow to my chest. “Niall.” “I’ll kill him.” “He didn’t show up to the show and now he won’t answer me when I call or text him.” “I will murder him.” “I’ve been telling myself he’s just busy, but I know he’s not.” “I will spread his ashes into a shark tank.” “I’m so stupid for even associating myself with him.” “Oh, no no no no no.” She wiggles her finger in front of my face and takes off her jacket. I now notice how many rings she is wearing. “First of all, he’s stupid, not you. Second, he’s the fuckboy, not you.” I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what else I could possible even think. It’s simple. I wasn’t careful and I made mistakes. I fell in love with someone who doesn’t really even know what the word love means. I gave him the power to ruin me with one single switch and crush my soul with two fingers. My second mistake was telling him I loved him. Third was jumping too fast into the idea of him. A pretty boy with a pretty mind and a mouth to match. I shouldn’t have let him kiss me. I shouldn’t have spent the night with him. I shouldn’t have arranged for him to let me down. Then again, it’s not my fault. It’s easy to fall for blue eyes and a vibe like your favourite song. “Seventeen.” Ivy shakes my shoulder and I sit up, rubbing my eyes. She sits beside me, a sad look in her eyes. “You gotta go to sound check.” I nod and get up. She walks with me into the venue and tries to make me laugh by horribly singing my song into the mic. It makes me smile a bit, yeah. Her laugh makes me happy, at least she’s having fun. I change my clothes again before the show. Ivy and I watch 5 Seconds of Summer from the side of the stage and she whispers about how cute Ashton is. I smile and look at her. When they’re done, the crew arranges my set then I go on. I talk and walk like nothing is wrong. I’m the happiest I can be. Every so often, I glance over and see Ivy smiling at me. She gives me a thumbs up and I continue performing. It’s a cycle. Whenever I feel like I can’t do it, I won’t. I look at her and she smiles and gives me the boost I need to continue. The show ends at half past 11 and we all decide it would be a great idea to go to Denny’s after we meet fans. Ivy drives us in her car and I have to sit on Michael’s lap in the front seat because there isn’t enough room in the back. Of course, we go to the Denny’s Niall ‘proposed’ to me at. I walk passed the booth we sat at and see a guy and a girl sitting there. She pulls a ring off of her mozzarella stick and laughs and cries. The proposal is horribly cheesy and stupid but it sounds so good. So mellow and amazing. He kisses her and for a half second he looks like Niall. We sit in a corner booth and Luke and Ivy make sure to sit next to me. When Luke asks me what’s wrong, I rest my head against his arm and say I’m tired and cold. He moves his arm so it’s around my shoulders and rubs my arm in an attempt to make me warmer. It’s stupid but it’s a cute gesture. I order a pink lemonade and chicken tenders. It feels weird that nobody is commenting on the pink. When all the boys are busy talking about something, Ivy looks at me. “What happened?” “He fake proposed to me here. I’m just kinda sad.” She nods and holds my hand until our food comes.

It’s almost 1 when we pay the bill and leave. When we get back to the bus, Ivy calls one of her friends to bring her a bag of her stuff and to pick up her car. We wait until she gets there to leave and by then Michael, Calum and Ashton are asleep in their bunks. They make the switch then the three of us are sitting in my bed and we are on our way to San Francisco. The two of them start to make me feel better, I laugh at a stupid joke Luke makes and I fall off the bed which makes me laugh harder. My shell was beginning to crack. Then when I look out the window, we are passing the Staples Center. We pass the hotel and I sit on the bed. I feel like I’ve lost all my air and I excuse myself to get a drink of water. I shut the door behind me and down half of the bottle before taking my phone out of my pocket. His voicemail again. “I know it’s late and all, that’s probably why you didn’t answer, but I just wanted to tell you that I passed the motel we stayed at in LA and it made me miss you. Call or text me when you have the chance. Bye.”

I put my phone in my pocket and take a deep breath. I collect myself before walking back to my room. I smile and crawl into the bed between them. Ivy turns off the lights and Luke uses the remote to turn on the TV. We watch CSI: Miami until Luke laughs and points out the window at the sun rising. He leaves to sleep in his bunk and Ivy and I fall asleep a few minutes after he leaves. When Ivy and I wander around the town, I remind myself to never fall for a boy with a simple name ever again. Every time I hear someone say Niall or even fucking NyQuil, my head spins. I feel like someone is cutting off my airway. I can’t breathe. I turn and expect to see him, but alas, I am met with a stranger. Ivy and I have lunch at a coffee shop in the middle of town. “Maybe it’s an addiction,” she says, “you’re addicted to him.” “I don’t think you can be addicted to a person.” “Maybe not, but what if you’re addicted to the feeling or memories or like, the idea of him.”

“Alright, elaborate.”

She sits up straight and takes a sip of her coffee before clearing her throat. “Okay, so you have only spent a very little amount of time with him,” she starts, “and in that time he has made you fall in love with his actions. Calling you pet names and telling you he wants to be alone with you, taking you to breakfast and to the beach. He got you wrapped around his little finger.” She holds up her pinkie and I sip my drink.

          “Alright.”

“So either, he’s not actually all cute and beautiful minded and that’s true idea of him you’re in love with rather than him, or he really is the pretentious asshole you’re in love with and you’re just living in the memories he created for you. The sneaking out and spending the night on the town and the vagueness he left you begging for more of. You love the whole feeling alive because we are doing something rebellious and you’re cute kind of thing.”

She’s right, that could be the case. But I’m not sure anymore. I don’t know if I’m going crazy or Niall is the insane one. “Alright, I’ll think about that.” When she excuses herself to the bathroom I find myself grabbing my phone again. One ring. Voicemail. “Hey! I just talked to Ivy. She told me I’m addicted to you. She may be right. Addiction is at first maintained by the pleasure of it. Then as it intensifies, that pleasure turns into something to avoid pain. I guess you are my pleasure and my pain. Uh, call me back. Please.” We walk back to the venue where there’s already a line of people waiting. Ivy and I talk to them for a while before I go inside for sound check. At some point after the show, after everyone has gone to sleep, I find myself sitting in the front of the bus with Gary, the driver. He’s in his mid to late 30’s and judging from the ring on his finger, he’s married. I don’t know much else about him. I sit on the steps and stare out the windshield with him. “What’s got you in the dumps?” He asks. “A stupid boy. He stood me up and is now ignoring me.” “Call him.” “He won’t answer; he’s ignoring me.” “So? Leave an angry voicemail with no intention of him ever hearing it just let it all out to let it out.” “What if he hears it?” “Then he knows he’s an asshole.” I decide he’s right. I’ll just call and tell him how I feel. Let it out. One ring. Voicemail. “You’re ignoring me so I don’t even fucking care if you hear these anymore. After my show in San Francisco today, a girl gave me a flower and said it’s from you. I know it wasn’t, it was too yellow.” It wasn’t as angry as I had hoped for, but it will do. We have the next day off, a day to breath and a day for me to rest my voice. I’ve caught the flu and it’s the perfect opportunity for me to take a rest and get better while we drive to Portland. We stop at a grocery store to get food and go to the bathroom on solid land. Ivy drank too much wine last night and is still asleep on the bus when we get off. I wander down the magazine aisle, picking up an issue of Nylon and just as I was about to leave, I see him. Niall. He’s on the cover of one of the magazines, Nylon. He’s wearing all black, staring at the camera with dull eyes. I pick it up, staring at it. “You know him?” Luke asks, I feel him standing behind me and when I glance over my shoulder he is looking over me at the magazine.

“Yeah, we..” I don’t finish my sentence, drifting off as I open to the first page. “Your ex?” “No, we didn’t date. He’s not an ex-boyfriend, but, uh, I guess he’s an ex-something. He just gave up on me before we could become something. Stopped answering me and leaving it at that.” “Well he must either be blind or dumb.” He presses his lips together, as if he’s said something wrong. “Not that you’re just pretty I mean you’re the smartest person I know, ya know? Like it’s just visually you’re more obviously appealing because it’s hard to be appealed to a person’s mentality within talking to them for 2 minutes but you can see how attractive they are in half a second. He’s an idiot. I’ll stop talking.”

I look at him and smile. “It’s alright. I don’t mind.” “Okay.” He smiles, craters forming in his cheeks.

I buy both magazines then walk to the bus with Luke. We sit in the front of the bus on the floor next to Gary. We read through the magazines together and he reads in a weird voice and makes random comments to make me laugh, and it works. It feels good to laugh and enjoy my time again. When Luke dumps his chocolate milk down the front of his shirt as we hit a bump, I laugh and he blushes. He retreats to his bunk to change and I check my phone. A text pops up and my heart stops. Seeing it’s from Wren, I frown and answer her before going into my contacts. Call. One ring. Leave your name and number. “Hey, I saw that you’re on the cover of Nylon. That’s pretty cool. I read what you said, about loving the fans and the experiences. I don’t think that’s right. You don’t know how to love anything.”

“Still sad about that boy?” Gary asks. I sigh and lock my phone.

“A little. I’ll get over it.”

“Let it happen on its own. Rushing it will just hide it for a while. Let it heal, don’t just cover it with a bandaid.”

I smile at him and lean against the seat behind me. Luke comes back wearing a black tank top and we carry on talking. We sit across from each other; I keep my legs criss cross and he rests his feet on either side of me.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting comfortable.”

I roll my eyes and play on my phone. Ivy appears a few hours later and sits beside me, resting her head on my shoulder. When we hear the rain, we know we have arrived in Portland. We all bring out our jackets and decide to explore the city. We stay huddled together, drifting from one shop to the next. When we are eating our McDonald’s, Michael declares that we have to have a scavenger hunt. We all thought it was the best idea ever. Since there’s 6 of us, we split up into 3 teams. I write the list of items we have to find on the back of the paper from the bottom of the tray. I get paired up with Michael and we keep the original list while the other teams have to take a picture. We all run out of the building and into the rain with no hesitation to search for the stupid items we chose. We have to find an item and take a picture of one of us with the item. Some are weird things like ‘get a picture of a dog and a guy with a mustache. Calum got very specific with what he thought we should be searching for. I spot a pet store and sprint to it. A baby pug is aimlessly wandering around the store while a guy in a red vest watches. Michael enters the store not too long after I do and howls when he sees that we have basically already got one down. I pick up the dog and quickly ask the guy for a picture. Right before we leave, I look back at the dog and smile. It would be nice to have a dog. Michael and I run around the town trying to find a Monster High toothbrush, both of our albums, a human pyramid, and create a satanic ritual in the middle of a store involving a baby. We find a Target and run through the parking lot, now completely drenched from the rain. We grab the toothbrush first, Michael suggests that we should get all the items then take pictures at the end, and I agree. We run to the electronics and stop one of the employees for help when we can’t find the albums.

“What are you looking for?”

“The entire discography of 5 Seconds of Summer and Seventeen.”

He gives us a look before leading us down the aisles to gather the albums. Michael and I wander to the toy aisles and look at items for our satanic ritual.

“Does the baby have to be real?” Michael smiles holding up a baby doll. We sit in the middle of the aisle and create our pentagram with glow sticks and have the baby in the middle and our albums at each of the points.

“We are so going to win.” I smile placing the toothbrush down.

“Um, hi, oh god.” I look up and see a few girls standing behind Michael.

    “Hi.” I say, but they looked too shocked to reply. There’s four of them. Hell yeah. “Will you take a picture of us real quick?” The girl freezes, nodding vigorously and I hand her my phone. Michael and I join hands and the girl snaps the photo.

“Do you want to make a human pyramid with us for a picture?” Michael asks. I feel like we are just throwing curve balls at them, they probably just wanted a picture and we dragged them into our hunt. They agree though. We get one of the employees to take our picture, Michael has to be on the bottom and I get to be the top. I have to step on him to get up to the top through and that makes him complain.

“You’re killing me, Sev.”

“Oh, shut up.” We smile for the picture and I jump down before everyone stands up again.

“Thank you for helping us!” I hug the girls and Michael lies in the floor groaning.

“Michael stand the hell up or else we are going to lose and I’m going to have to murder you.” He slowly stands up and I create a group chat with Luke, Ivy, Calum and Ashton. I send them the photos while Michael takes pictures with the girls.

“Hell yeah, we won.” I high five him and he laughs.

Luke sends back a frown and asking where we are. They all agree to meet us here in 10 minutes. Michael pushes me around in cart while I read Pinkalicious.

“You guys cheated.” Luke and Ivy stand in front of the cart and I smile.

“You’re just sore losers.”

“That’s just mean.” Luke scowls and Ivy climbs into the cart with me. She sits on my lap and makes herself comfortable. When Calum and Ashton show up, Ashton calls to tell Gary to pick us up so we don’t have to walk in the rain again. We sit at the front of the store at the tables by the little cafe. It jolts out of the front of the building, and three of walls are windows. We watch the rain fall while we sip on our coffee and talk.

“Sev, you’re the romantic here,” Calum says, “do you believe in soulmates?”

“Yeah. It’s just nice to think someone out there is meant to be associated with me. Ivy and I are actually soulmates.”

“What about you and that guy from the magazine?” Luke asks taking a drink of his hot chocolate. It was an innocent question; I was calm enough about the situation before, so he doesn’t know any better.

“Uh, Niall and I were complicated. I think we may have been meant to meet so I could wake up and escape that pure, innocent bubble I live in where everyone is beautiful and honest and happy, and the world is all pinks and yellows with no grey or black or white or any color that doesn’t evoke a beautiful and positive emotion. I’m 21, I can’t live that way and his being an asshole helped me realize that. Not everyone in this world is good.”

Ivy stares at me and smiles. I’m slowly accepting and getting over him. After we get on the bus and drive to the hotel, I sit with Ivy in my bed. Neither of us say a word, and that’s fine. There’s no tension and nothing is in the air besides the moisture of the rain. We get checked in and Ivy and I share a room. She goes off into the hall after she gets a phone call, and I sit in the bed and turn on the TV. My mom calls not too long after. She asks me about Niall. I tell her we aren’t talking. She sighs and tells me this is how the world treats people who have pure hearts. I need to just take a breath and realize my antics are irrational and the romanticization of everyone that calls me beautiful will get me hurt. I tell her it’s too late. I’ve learned from my mistakes and I won’t do it again. Sorry. Bye. I hang up and dial. One ring. Voicemail.

“Hey, Niall. You know, my mom makes fun of me because I said I believe in soulmates, but I believe in them because I am a romantic and I want to believe that somewhere in this huge, wild world there is a person who fits me. I want to believe that there is some strong magic in this universe that makes this real. That we are real. I’ve dug myself a 'nothing is real’ hole and I’ve been living in it and that’s not healthy or happy. Even if I am not one of the lucky ones who had that person as their neighbor when they were a child, even if they died before I got to say hello. Even if I passed them at the grocery store once but neither of us was brave enough to talk to the other. Even if I already loved them and we fucked up. This soul exists, and if we were to ever meet at the right time, be alive at the right time, we would love each other the way people are meant to love one another. I thought you were my soul mate, but we all have to be wrong at least once right.”

We go from rainy city to rainy city. Portland, Seattle, Vancouver, Calgary, Winnipeg. Every city we stop in, rains, as if we brought the clouds with us. Wren joined us when we went through Seattle, which I’m thankful for. I need both of them. After our show in Winnipeg, I walk out to meet fans alone. There’s not too many of them standing by the tour bus, but enough that it takes a few minutes to get through them. The guys come out a few minutes later and take pictures with everyone. Wren got a call from one of her manager’s right before I went on so she just went back to the bus where Ivy was since she wasn’t feeling too well. Ivy is, of course, stretched out on the couch at the front of the bus, sound asleep when we get on. It’s 1am when Gary starts driving again. I head straight to my little room and shut the door behind me. I wash my face and change my clothes, finding things that will keep me busy. I’m not really tired, or maybe I’m too tired to sleep, so I watch Netflix as a last resort. The episodes go on, one after another so I have no idea how many have gone by when I see the sun rising outside the window. I stare at it for a second before grabbing my phone. I know he’s never going to answer nor will he ever listen to these voicemails, but it’s more of a diary to me. As the days pass my feelings towards him change. Some days I’m mad, others I’m sad, and some days I’m emotionless and content.

“Hey, it’s 5am. I still haven’t gone to sleep. Sleep is kind of hard when you’re thinking. I’ll be in New York at the same time as you next week and I think we should avoid each other. It’s probably for the best. I might either slap you or cry. Maybe both. I should sleep. I’m sorry.”

We stop in New York, planning to stay here for a few days to rest. I think that if I try to rest, I’ll end up dragging myself in a hole of disgust and sadness and I might call Niall or attempt to find him. To avoid all that, I arrange to go to a studio in Brooklyn. I am pulling on my jeans and requesting an über when Luke walks in. Ivy and Wren are sitting on my bed, texting, but he seems to not even notice them.

“You going somewhere?” He asks, standing beside me. His cologne fills my throat and I shrug.

“The studio. I have a lot of built up emotion. I need to write.” I look around the room for my jacket.

“Can I come?”

“Yeah, sure.” I don’t look at him, just shoving the right side of my shirt into my pants and grabbing my phone.

“The cab will be here in like 10 minutes, dudes.” I tap Ivy and Wrens knees and they glance at me before sitting up, their movements in sync.

I look at Luke, who is just standing back, watching me hurry around the room. He is smiling, his arms crossed across his chest. I ignore him, sitting on the bed and applying mascara, using my front camera on my phone as my mirror.

“Okay. We good? I’m good.” I stand up and walk to the front of the bus. I feel anxious. I can feel it in my fingertips and my toes and my throat. My head is light but my shoulders are heavy. Maybe writing a few songs will cure me in a sense. The über arrives after 5 minutes of standing outside. We bring Luke’s guitar as well as my own and set them in the trunk before he takes his seat in the front with the driver, leaving the three girls to cram in the back. There’s a gentle drizzle outside, an almost laughable version of the rain we’ve been experiencing lately.

“There’s s'pose to be a huge storm today, I don’t believe it. These news guys just spout shit, I’ll tell ya.” The driver says, looking at Luke.

“Yeah? I don’t watch the news,” he replies.

“Oh, good. If you need some real information, the Internet is the best resource, 100%. You gotta get your facts straight though. Also, the weather app. Saved my life.”

Luke laughs, nodding at the driver’s gabber. I stay quiet, watching the water droplets fall down the window. When we get to the studio, I pay the driver, grab my acoustic guitar from the trunk and then walk inside. We get everything settled, then head into the room.

Ivy and Wren sit on the couch talking while Luke and I sit at the soundboard in our rolling chairs, staring at each other. I glance at my laptop, not even sure where to start. I have tons of ideas and words scrambling around in my head but I can’t find a way to access them, which is giving me a headache.

“It has to be haunting, ya know? Make your spine pinch, kind of stuff.”

While we think, Luke holds his electric guitar on his lap, plucking strings. I close my eyes and listen to him play random cords. I know I want to write about Niall. I feel like that’s the only real way to start to get over him. Say what I need to say.

“Do that again.” I sit up and he plays again. “I like that. Hold on. Keep playing that.”

“Seems like you’re onto something.” Luke smiles as I scribble down words. I think of ways to describe Niall and incorporate it into the song. After I get a verse down, I show Luke.

“I love it.” I smile and he continues playing, trying to help me get to the next part.

“So with this guy, what’s going on?” I sit back and stare at him. He seems concerned, his face is soft but his eyebrows are furrowed.

“I’m just searching for something that’s not really there. I doubt it ever will be.”

The whole song is written in about a half hour. We record Luke playing his guitar then it’s my turn to record vocals. By now, Wren and Ivy have both fallen asleep on the couch. I stare at Luke through the glass and he gives me a thumbs up. He begins to play the track and I take a breath and start.

“YO WAKE UP WE FINISHED IT.” I throw my jacket at Wren and it hits her in the face. She sits up and stares at me. “Wake up Ivy, we finished a song.”

We play the song for them, it’s just a stripped demo, but I’m more than happy with it.

“Holy shit, Sev,” Wren says, “that’s amazing.”

“Thank you.” I smile and look at Luke. He returns it before quickly hugging me. When we were joking around with the grand piano in the booth, Luke proves that he can actually play piano and I make him play for me. We somehow write two more songs before Luke suggests we take a break.

We don’t take a real break, rather just a break from writing. I stand in the recording booth with Luke’s guitar and begin to play my song Hurricane. It was a joke at first, re recording my song, but I fall in love with the stripped down version.

“I kinda want everyone to hear this,” I say to Luke when we are replaying the songs.

“Leak it.” He laughs. I know he’s joking. But I’m not.

I go onto my Soundcloud, uploading the song before Luke can stop me. I tweet the link and watch as my notifications explode. I turn off my phone and smile up at him.

“Want to go get food?”

He nods and I grab my laptop and guitar as I call for an über. The driver arrives in 5 minutes and we set our things in the trunk. This time, I ride shotgun.

“Wanna hear my new song.”

“Oh my god, Seventeen.”

“Sure.” I plug my phone into the AUX cord and go on Soundcloud. I let the song play and with the storm outside, it sounds entirely too dramatic but I love it.

“Well you better have a record deal, young lady.” He laughs and I smile.

“I do, don’t worry.” He drops us off at the shopping center and we walk to the food court.

“Where are the other guys?” I ask Luke when we sit down.

“Probably still at the hotel. I didn’t tell them I was leaving.”

Luke offers to get us all food so Wren, Ivy and I stay and talk.

“Do you feel better now?” I nod and they smile.

“Good. No more Niall. No more sad Seventeen.”

“Nope. I am a-okay.” Luke returns with 2 trays from Panda Express, balancing 4 drinks on the trays.

When we get to the hotel, we gather in my room. The other 3 guys wander in and suggest we go swimming and I don’t disagree. I get in my swimsuit and follow them downstairs. I don’t plan on swimming, maybe just sitting in the jacuzzi or on the steps of the pool. I don’t want to get my hair wet. I sit in the jacuzzi alone for a while, my head back and my eyes closed. The hot water pounding on my limbs is almost therapeutic.

“You alright?” I don’t have to open my eyes to know who it is. I’ve spent even enough time with him to recognize his voice.

“I’m okay, Luke. Just tired. A bit drained from today’s affairs.”

“Same. I enjoyed it though. You have a very beautiful mind, I liked seeing a bit into it.” I blush, but try to pretend it’s just the heat from the water.

“Thank you.” I sit up and open my eyes. He smiles at me quickly and I can see that he’s sitting on his hands. People have nervous habits, biting your nails, playing with your hair, touching your face, scratching your arm, or even blinking too fast. I’ve learned that Luke’s is sitting on his hands.

“What are you so nervous about?” He looks at me and shrugs.

“A bit cold, innit?”

“Shut up, it’s 106 degrees in this thing. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

I agree to leave it alone for now. When my hands start to wrinkle, I stand up and get out.

“I’m gonna go back to the room. I’m exhausted.” They all say goodbye to me and I take the keycard and my towel. I keep my hair tied up and decide to sleep with no pants on and in a big t shirt I don’t recognize, but found in my suitcase. As soon as I pull it on, I sit on the bed. It smells spicy. I remember him wearing this the day I met him. I was almost passed out but I remember the words. I met god. She was black. I could never forget that, I barely read it but it made me think when I got on the plane. I quickly change into a different shirt and climb into bed. I turn my phone off airplane mode and click on his name in my contacts. One ring. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.

“Hey, hi. I was just about to go to bed and I uh, I wrote a song about you today. I wanted to tell you something, but that wasn’t it. I just wanted you to know,” I roll over onto my side, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, “I never pray, but I do for you. Have a good night.”

The next day, I get called to do a radio interview.

“You just dropped a song last night with no warning, what happened?”

“I wrote that song yesterday, actually. With Luke from 5 Seconds of Summer. It was something I really needed to say so I put it out there for people to listen to my story.”

“What is that story?”

“Well, the song is called Ghost, and it’s basically about being in a relationship with someone who isn’t as invested in it as you are. I create opinions and attach to things at a very accelerated speed and in this song the person was taking interest in me at what is actually a normal rate and I took that as they’re not there, they aren’t responding to me, they don’t like me. It’s basically about a person who holds a physical body but the 'ghost’ in them isn’t there.”

“Wow, who is this about?”

“Barack Obama, anyway.”

The interview lasts 10 minutes and I am mixing Michael’s hair dye while I talk. After I hang up, I help him get the color through his hair then watch tv with Wren. The tour goes by in a haze. Someone pressed fast forward and it’s one city after another. Maybe I took a pill and I’m just half aware of what’s going on. The last show is in San Diego. Everyone walks around like zombies. Our shoulders slump and our mouths are half open. We drag our feet because we know the haven of touring is coming to an end. No more traveling with 10 of your favorite people and playing gigs all over North America. You won’t experience any of the cities the same way ever again. After my set, Luke runs out on stage and picks me up. He is followed by Michael then Calum and Ashton. We all hug and I begin to cry. I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to leave them. We all take a final bow and I walk off stage holding onto Luke’s arm. When we get back on the bus, on our way back to LA, the 7 of us sit at the front of the bus talking. We reminisce over our favorite tour memories and funny stories. Our group slowly gets smaller as someone goes to bed. Eventually, it’s just Luke and I. I don’t want to go to sleep, I feel like I’ve lost 2 weeks of my life, I don’t want to lose any more time by sleeping through it. I don’t know why Luke stays. He just sits next to me, not saying a word.

“Aren’t you tired?” I ask.

“Not really. Kinda sad, though.”

“Why?” I frown, looking at him. He shoves his hands under his thighs and shrugs.

“I’ll miss you.”

I smile, resting my head on his arm.

“I’ll miss you too. But I’m not leaving just yet. I’ll be staying with Ivy for a while, so until you decide to leave, we can still hang out.” He smiles and puts his arm around my shoulders. It’s quiet for a minute.

“You’re hands remind me of a dream,” he says, taking my hand in his.

“You must be really tired.” I laugh.

“I guess so.” He speaks so soft, but it rattles my bones. I tell myself he is just tired. He’s tired. I close my eyes and move into the warmth of Luke.

“Would it be okay if I fell asleep on you because I think my if I stand up I might fall.”

“Yeah, it’s alright. I don’t mind.”

I wake up on the couch at 4:15am, unable to get back to sleep. I don’t want to watch Netflix, but then again, I don’t want to lie here in the dark. I stand up and tiptoe to the bunks. I pull Luke’s curtain and see him sleeping on his stomach, his head turned towards me.

"Luke.” I poke his cheek until he opens his eyes.

“Seventeen?” He sits up, hitting his head on the ceiling of his bunk. Luckily he sleeps on the top so he didn’t wake anyone up.

I cover my mouth to stop my laugh. “Are you alright?”

He doesn’t reply, instead he just jumps down from his bunk. His hand covers the place where he hit it and I walk back to the front of the bus. He follows me.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. You can go back to sleep if you want.”

“Slamming my face on the ceiling woke me up. What’s up?”

He lies next to me on the couch, his legs over my lap, and I smile.

“I couldn’t sleep.” We both stare at the ceiling for a while.

“I had a dream that I was being chased by a t-Rex wearing a diaper,” he tells me.

“Why was the t-Rex wearing a diaper? Do they even make diapers that big?”

“It must have been custom made.” I laugh and pull my feet onto the couch. He lays on his back, his arm under the pillow he’s resting his head on and he just stares at me. “The sunrise coming through your hair makes it glow. Kinda makes you look like an angel.”

“An angel?”

He sits up and touches my hair. “Yeah. But you’ve gotta be careful for the people that will seek you out to collect your feathers.”

“You should probably go to sleep, you’re getting pretty emo.” I smile at him and he laughs.

“Okay. I’ll sleep.” He lies back down and closes his eyes. After I move around, getting comfortable, I do the same. We wake up when the bus comes to a very sudden stop and Luke and I fall towards the front. I laugh when I end up under Luke, quickly standing up and running my hands through my hair.

“Oh, I need to pack my stuff. Shit.” I walk to the back where Ivy and Wren are asleep on my bed. I gather my things and shove them in my bag. When I’m finished, I wake Ivy and Wren up and tell them to get up because we’re back in LA. Ivy calls for a cab, still half asleep and lying on my bed. I ignore her and return to the front where Luke is sitting with Ashton and his stuff. I sit between them and scroll through my Twitter. When everyone else emerges, we say goodbye to Gary and gather outside the bus. I say goodbye to all the guys, Luke is last. He leans down, hugging me. He’s a foot taller than me, so he’s hunched over while I’m standing on my toes.

“I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.”

“Call me whenever, okay?”

I nod and hug him again. This time, he doesn’t have to lean down. “Okay.”

“Okay. I love you,” he says holding my shoulders.

“I know. I love you too, Luke.” I smile up at him and he quickly returns it. When the cab arrives, Ivy, Wren and I shove our backs in the back and get in.

“I love you.” Wren mocks in a horrible Australian accent.

“Okay, I don’t like you.”

She laughs and I roll my eyes. Arriving back at Ivy’s apartment, I lie on her couch and stretch. It’s nice to be on solid ground after such a long time on the road. That night, Ivy and Wren run to the store for popcorn and candy for our scary movie night and I stay back to rest for a while. I’m tired of driving around. I would prefer to avoid being in a moving vehicle for a little while. For the first time in weeks, I dial his number. “Hey, I’ve been thinking and maybe I’ve just romanticized you and the thought of you to the point that you’re not who I thought you were, I made you up. You aren’t real.” We stay with Ivy for a week, then Wren and I fly back to Seattle. My album is to come out in 4 months so my team and I have a shit ton of promo to be doing.

It comes out in 4 months and it’s not even done yet. I practically live in the studio for 2 weeks. My manager helps me turn Ghost into what I call a shimmering pop song and record the rest of the songs. We release the new version of Ghost and it is somehow a hit. I sob when I hear it in the radio.

The next month, I am wearing a short blue wig and sitting in a Tokyo themed hotel room. I said I wanted left of center and that’s what I’m doing. For the Ghost video, I wanted to show a relationship that leaves you asking questions, so that’s what was arranged. It takes place in a neon themed hotel and my love interest wears a pink wig The video is released 2 months later. I wonder if Niall is going to watch it; if he knows who the song is about. The day I have my flight to LA for more promo and album stuff, I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to get on a plane and I don’t want to get my picture taken for hours on end. But of course, I get up. I go to the airport and I get on a plane. Ivy is standing with Luke and Michael when I walk down the terminal. A smile grows on my face and run to them. I hug them all before asking where Ashton and Calum are, which Luke replies with a shrug.

“There wasn’t enough room in the car.”

I make Luke and Michael sit in the back seat with my suitcase while I talk to Ivy.

“Niall tweeted about you.” She tells me.

“What the fuck.”

“It said like you’re the ghost or something like that. It’s low key about you.”

“Let’s burn him.”

“Agreed.” We drive through Wendy’s to get frosties but Luke and Michael decided they were hungry so I bought them both meals.

“You’re an angel,” Michael says, patting my shoulder.

“Just eat your food.”

Ivy pulls up to the gate and types in the code before driving into her complex. Luke carries my bag up the stairs to Ivy’s third floor apartment. She doesn’t even have time to get her key in the door before Calum throws it open and yells a welcome home.

I can’t stop smiling when I hug them and we sit on the floor of her living room. We talk about our careers and Michael rests his head on my thigh, holding onto my leg like a child with his favorite stuffed animal. I run my fingers through his hair as we talk.

“I have a photoshoot in a few days and that’s all I have to do, I think.”

“Cool, so this is almost a real family reunion now,” Michael hugs my leg tighter and I pat his cheek.

A half hour later, Ivy asks me if I will run to the store and pick up her groceries. She got an emergency call from work and has to go in ASAP. I tell her I can do that, no problem. She calls a cab so I have her car and I wait until she leaves to leave. The guys are neck deep in an episode of America’s Next Top Model when I announce that I’m going to the store and if you want to come, you have three seconds to decide. Luke stands up and follows me out the door. He giggles when he sees that I have to move the seat up to drive.

“Shut up.”

He googles the directions to the closest store and directs me.

“I drive better at night. I do everything better at night really.” I explain, glancing at Luke.

“Is there a specific reason?”

“Nothing is a priority. Everyone is tucked away in under warm blankets and clouds in their heads that cushion their dreams.”

He looks at me and smiles.

“Situations have more meaning anyway. Like spending the night with someone is way more explicit than in daylight. Getting drunk and talking about God is a really deep conversation at 2am but at 2pm you’re getting excommunicated from your church and your mother doesn’t call anymore.”

At the store, Luke reads the items off the list to me and I add them to the cart.

“Red grapes.”

“Luke, we already got grapes.”

“We got green grapes, we need red grapes.”  

I grab a bag of grapes and start walking again. The cart is close to overflowing when we finally make it to the checkout. Luke stares at me while I watch the lady ring up our items.

“I think she’s messing with us. Why does she need a kiddie pool and 15 party bags of skittles?”

“She doesn’t.”

“What?”

“I just said that as a joke, I didn’t think you would go with it.” He’s grinning, thinking he’s the funniest guy in the world.

“Oh my god. I hate you so much.” I don’t take it off. I’ll let him have his fun. I slide my card and kick Luke when he tries to watch me type in my PIN number.

“What’s that for?” He pouts.

“How do I know you won’t go out and buy a full sized pool and 2500 party bags of skittles?”

I try to buckle the kiddie pool into the backseat while Luke sets all the bags in the trunk. He finishes before me and stands beside the passenger side door and laughs at me. I flip him off and put all my weight into trying to click the seatbelt in.

“Done,” I say, finally getting the buckle to click.

“We good now?” I nod and climb back into the front seat. I plug the AUX cord into my phone and begin to play my music.

“I drive around when I need to think, sorry,” I tell Luke when he asks where we are going.

“It’s okay, keep driving.”

“I don’t think a lot of people I know truly like me. I think most people only like versions of me I’ve spun for them. The easy, constructed in their minds version of me.”

“I like you.”

“Thank you, Luke.”

We don’t say anything, but I know what he’s thinking. He wants to know what else I’m thinking about.

“That guy from the magazine,” I start, getting his attention again, “Niall. He just stopped talking to me. Stopped answering his phone and left it like that.” He doesn’t say anything, just looking at me. “I heard that the longer someone stays gone, the less likely they are to come back. I don’t know if I want him to come back.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Luke whispers.

“Just tell me how I was so easy to throw away. I can’t sleep sometimes because I’m just wondering what I did wrong.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” We come up to a stoplight and stare at my hands in my lap.

“Then why did he leave?” I look at him and his face falls. His expression softens and I wipe under my eyes.

“I don’t know why, but that’s not your fault.”

I start driving again and look at Luke. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

Luke is so easy to be around. I’ve never seen him angry, and I think his favorite thing to say is it’s okay. I don’t mind. I stop at a green light and stare at the light until it turns red.

“He’s an asshole,” Luke says.

“I know.” I drive aimlessly for a while. When we get back to the apartments, it’s almost 10 and Ivy is back.

“Did you get lost?” Ashton laughs.

“Yeah, a bit.” I say. Ivy looks at me like she wants to talk so I look back at the guys. “Bought a kiddie pool. Go crazy.”

I join Ivy in the kitchen and set all of the bags of food on the counter.

“What happened?”

“We drove around for a while talking.”

“Talking.”

I nod and she purses her lips and puts a box of macaroni in the cabinet. I help her unload the rest of the groceries and decide I need fresh air. I sit on her balcony and stare at the trees. For the first time in 6 months. I dial his number and wait for the voicemail message.

“Hey, I’ve been thinking and I think it’s amazing how in 6 months I went from thinking you’re God to thinking you’re the fucking antiChrist. You’re exhausting. Bye.”

When I walk back inside, I am told we are having a scary movie marathon. Somehow, I didn’t expect to actually watch Scary Movie. I get distracted, staring at the orchids beside the TV.

I remember Niall telling me about how I’m like the sun. He’s right, I’m the sun and he’s the rain and because of him I have orchids growing in my throat and the sliver of light I’ve let in allow the flowers continue to grow and block my airway.

“Seventeen.” I am pulled out of my daydream and look at Ivy. “Do you want to make popcorn?”

I don’t even give them an answer, standing up and walking into the kitchen. I open the box of popcorn and pull out 3 bags. I sit in the counter, waiting for all of the bags to pop.

“I was sent in here to make sure you’re okay.” Luke stands beside me and I smile at him.

“I’m good. Just making a lot of popcorn.” He doesn’t leave when I tell him. He stands beside me, staring at the microwave across from us. “Come here.” I grab his hand and pull him in front of me. I wrap my arms around him and rest my head on his chest. “Thank you.”

“For what?” He hugs me back anyway.

“Your presence makes me happy and I’ve really needed that these last few months. Thank you.”

When the last bag of popcorn is done, I dump it in the bowl and walk back to the living room. I sit beside Ivy and hand the bowl to her. show up at the front door at 5am and I let them in, sitting on the kitchen table while the team they brought start wrapping my hair in curlers. I ask the 5 of them to come with me to the photoshoot, and they agree. My managers are getting everything situated when Luke and Ashton decide to make an appearance.

“Morning.” Ashton mumbles, pouring himself a cup of coffee. Luke follows him and they sit in chairs in front of me, Luke eating cereal because he says he can’t stand the taste of coffee.

“Are you excited to hang out in the desert with me for a few hours?” One of the girls starts rubbing a moisturizer on my face and I close my eyes while she does it.

“Yes, 100%.” Ashton says taking another drink of his coffee. The two of them watch intensely as makeup is applied to my face.

“What’s that do?” Luke asks, pointing at the contour palate sitting beside me.

“Definition.” He sits on the table beside me and stares at my cheek.

At 8, we all get into the black van they drove over for us, the hair and makeup team taking another car. I had 4 outfit changes through the whole 3 hours of shooting. We get dropped off at Ivy’s apartment at 1 and I take it upon myself to make popcorn chicken for lunch.

“Fuck, guys,” Ivy says sitting on the couch once we all get our lunch, “we should go camping, I found a spot up kinda by Sev’s place. Let’s road trip.”

“What made you think of this?” Ashton asks.

“I started thinking about fun friend things and I realized I haven’t been camping since seventh grade and I need to become one with nature.”

“I mean, I’m in,” Michael agrees. Everyone gets on board and Ivy calls Wren to ask if she’s down for it.

“Fuck yeah, I’m down for this. When?” We decide to go in two weeks, it gives us time to get everything together for it.

“We may need to rent a car, we won’t all fit in your mustang for 20 something hours  .” I tell Ivy. She agrees and we all spend our afternoon planning this trip. The night before we are set to leave, we make a trip to Walmart in the van we rented to drive up to Washington. Calum and I set out to find a tent that will fit all of us comfortably and bug spray.

“Is a 13 person tent big enough? So 13 normal sized people is like 8 of your sized people, right? Yeah, so this will work.”

Calum lifts the tent and sets it in the cart while I grab 8 cans of bug spray. I have only been camping once. It was in 6th grade when I went with Ivy and I was feasted upon by bugs for 3 days; I won’t make that mistake this time. We find Luke and Michael in the candy aisle grabbing 12 bars of chocolate. They have 4 boxes of graham crackers and 3 bags of the square marshmallows made for camping.

“You guys are gross.”

Michael shrugs and grabs 2 more bars of chocolate. We walk together to the checkout and I pay for everything. Luke hands me a $20 when we start loading everything into the car.

“I’m just going to use that to buy you guys food, you know that right.”

He shrugs and I take the bill just to give it to Michael who I tell to pass onto Luke. Ivy and Ashton stayed at her apartment to get everything ready there, so I drive back to her place and only carry the chocolate in so it won’t melt. “Now that I think about it, we should have waited to buy the stuff for s'mores.” We leave at 2am. Ivy drives first, Ashton sitting in the passenger seat to keep her awake. We rented an 18 passenger van so Michael and Calum lie down on their own benches and Luke and I share a bench. I keep my knees tucked to my chest and my blanket around me.

“This will be fun, yeah?” Luke smiles, looking at me.

“Mhm,” I hum. I am somehow exhausted, not really awake enough to have a full conversation with him. I am woken up at 10am by Ivy asking if I want to drive now, because both her and Ashton are about to pass out. I agree and Luke switches places with Ashton as well. Luke makes fun of me once again when I have to move the seat up.

“You’re just freakishly tall, stop being so mean to me.” I pull back onto the highway and he giggles. He sticks a disk into the CD player and the beginning of one of their songs starts playing. “Nice.” He smiles and I pay attention to the road rather than him. At 2, we stop for food in Roseburg, Oregon. I find a Taco Bell and order everyone food. This time, Ivy insists on paying. I try to eat a taco while driving and it doesn’t work out because I spill all over the wrapper in my lap.

“Can I drive when we get to Portland?” Luke asks and I shrug. Why not? I eventually finish my taco and throw the wrapper back into the bag. I sing along to the radio while Luke talks to Ivy and Ashton about something I don’t quite catch. Once we arrive in Portland, I stop at a gas station to switch with Luke. I fill up the tank while everyone goes inside to get snacks from the convenience store. I try to tell myself I’m doing the important job of filling the tank, but I was really just afraid of going inside. I have a fear that my fantasy from last year will come to life and I’ll meet Niall in the checkout line of a gas station store. Ivy brings me back a bag of Goldfish and a chocolate milk. I end up in the passenger seat because everyone else is so comfortable having their own space with the benches. I sit cross cross on the seat and sing along to my album while Luke focuses all his attention on driving.

“I’m more used to everything being switched,” he explains.

“That’s fine. Just stay calm, you’re doing perfect.”

He smiles at me and I continue eating my Goldfish. He wants to drive the rest of the way to Mount Vernon where we are going to be camping and I tell him that’s fine. I tell him about where I grew up.

“I say I grew up in Seattle but it’s actually a little town called Arlington, it’s a bit of a Friday Night Lights town so my mom always told me about how everyone there is proud of me. It’s nice to have all that support, ya know?” He agrees and I go off about all my favorite places and weird childhood memories. I go on the whole 3 hours but he doesn’t stop me. I don’t even think he minds me talking for hours on end.

When we drive through Seattle, we stop and pick up Wren at her apartment. She sits in the first bench behind Luke and I. She joins in on talking about the rain and trees. Once we are in Mount Vernon, I have to google where we are going from there. We drive through a few blocks of just trees before we find the camp sites. We booked a site that leads right up to a cliff. Luke parks the car between 2 trees and we all carry the stuff to the picnic table. Wren and I clear a spot for the tent and then sit in our camping chairs watching the guys set up the tent.

“Keep up the good work, boys.” Ivy yells sticking a straw into her Capri sun.

“Yo, hook a bitch up.” Wren reaches towards the box in Ivy’s lap and Ivy throws one at her.

The three of us sip on Capri sun, watching them struggle with the tent. Once it’s up, all because of Ashton actually knowing what was going on and making the others do what he says, we start setting up where we are going to sleep. Michael claims the little entrance room to be his own and I end up between Luke and Ivy. I roll out my black sleeping bag over the mat I brought and make my space super organized with my backpack of clothes at the foot of the mat and my pillows neatly at the top.

“Dude did you seriously buy that just for this?” Calum yells and laughs and I walk to where Michael is going to sleep to find him cuddled up in a pizza sleeping bag. I laugh at how happy he looks.

“Beautiful,” Ivy whispers appearing beside me.

“How much was that?” I ask.

“$50. I want to live in it.”

I tell him that’s a pretty good price and he dramatically thanks me for being the only one who will support him. At least his can’t be mixed up with anyone else’s now. I sit on my almost bed and tie up my hair.

Luke sits beside me and smiles, “It’s still weird seeing you with blonde hair.”

“I always forget it’s blonde.” I pull at a strand that fell from my very lazy attempt at a bun. A few days ago, I decided to dye it again. I felt like I should give the cool colors a rest and join the normals by going blonde. Everyone was surprised when I came out of the bathroom with straight blonde hair when I had a fading green mess of hair hours before.

“As soon as I get used to it you’re going to dye it blue.” He laughs and I shrug and smile. I like blue. For dinner, Ivy and Ashton go into town to buy something for us to eat. When they’re gone, we all wander to the cliff. It’s about a 20 foot drop into a lake.

“Would we die if we jumped?” Michael looks to me for an answer to his ridiculous but also very relevant question.

“Depends on how deep it is.”

So that’s how Luke and I were pressured into going down to the water to find out how deep it is so Michael and Calum can jump. We take off our shoes on a big rock right in front of the water and Luke picks me up when we have to walk over the rocks, saying he will keep me safe from harm.  I laugh when he almost falls. He stands still for a second, making sure he’s balanced before he tries to walk over the slippery rocks again. I’m not upset when we really do fall and I land on my butt in the shallow water. I laugh through the pain of landing on a rock while Luke frowns. The water goes from really shallow to what seems to be pretty deep, so I throw a good sized rock over where they want to jump. I barely hear it hit the rocks at the bottom.

“I mean I think you’re good it seems deep enough.”

They yell and cheer and Luke carries me back to the land. This time he doesn’t fall. I sit with him and Wren in our camping chairs, sipping on Capri Sun and watching Michael and Calum run and jump off the cliff then run up the hill to do it again.

“Do they not get tired?” Wren asks, studying them.

“They have endless energy, it’s fascinating.” I sip my Capri sun and Luke laughs at us just as the van pulls up beside us. Ivy gets out of the passenger seat and sets a bag on my lap. Inside is literally just french fries.

“What is this?”

“Dinner? There’s 5 burgers and 5 orders of chicken tenders in these, as well.” Ashton holds up 3 more bags and Wren yells for Calum and Michael to stop jumping off the cliff and come eat dinner. We gather around the picnic table and I eat fries while Michael talks about getting a fish in his swim trunks.

When the sun goes down, Michael and Calum change and we all wrap ourselves in our sleeping bags and Luke and Ashton start a fire. Once it’s going strong, Luke sits beside me and we use the metal prongs Ivy found at Walmart for us to roast marshmallows.

“I am so prepared to become a tree.” Michael says, letting out a weak chuckle and jerking his marshmallow into the flame. I watch mine carefully, not wanting it to burn. When it’s ready, I make Luke help me get it between graham crackers and chocolate. He holds his stick between his knees and basically does all the work of building my s'more for me.

“Thank you.” I lean back in my chair, listening to everyone talk. Michael being Michael, ends up yelling everything he says and that brings a group of guys to creepily walk through the trees and over to us. I unconsciously move towards Luke as they approach the fire.

“I don’t want to ruin your bitch fest, but some people like the quiet.” The guy with the pink hair says with a smile. I catch onto his accent after about the 5th word.

“Sorry, he’s just a large child who ate too many s'mores. We will try and control him.” Wren pulls Michael head to her chest and pats his head. “You can leave now.” He looks at her and winks before leaving with his friends.

“That was creepy, as all get out.” Ivy says frowning.

“I would protect you.” Ashton smiles and Ivy looks at the fire.

“Yeah, alright.”

We talk for a while and when we are all falling asleep on each other, we decide going back to the tent would be a good idea. Ivy and Wren put out the fire while I brush my teeth. They join me as soon as they’re done and I rinse my mouth out with water from someone’s water bottle and hang out with them until they’re done. We kick all the boys out of the tent so we can change and when we go back out to get them, they’re standing around talking in just their boxers. 5 minutes later, we are all in our sleeping bags and Michael is snoring. Everyone falls asleep soon after, but I can’t. I’m shivering in my sleeping bag. It’s my first time camping in 10 years and of course, I didn’t bring enough blankets. It doesn’t help that I’m afraid we are 2 seconds away from being attacked by a bear.

“Are you okay?” Luke whispers. I close my eyes and cover my face.

“I’m freezing.” I hear the zipper of his sleeping bag and him quietly mumble a ‘c'mere’ and moves so there’s room for me. I waste no time crawling in with him. His sleeping bag is a little bigger then mine, but not much. He lies on his back and I am on my side with my head on his chest.

“Thank you.” Luke is the perfect temperature and I try to soak it all up while I can. I can barely stand the stiffness of the mat below us, but from how comfortable he seems to be, I don’t comment on it. He must like it. I look up at the sky. They didn’t put on the rain cover, so we have a perfect view of the moon and stars. “How do you think the Galaxy was made?” He whispers. “Energy. It just kinda expanded, I think. Maybe that energy became so compact, it created planets and stars.” “That’s a good theory,” he says, “I don’t know what to think. I’m kinda afraid to know the truth.” “Why?” “I grew up being told God made everything, but it arouse questions nobody would give me a straight answer to and now I’m afraid to have my questions answered.” “I understand that, like who made god, or what happens when we die?” “Yeah. I want to believe we go on and live again, because I don’t want this to be everything. I don’t want to think I ruined my one chance.” “You haven’t ruined anything, Luke.” I sit up a bit, looking at his face. “I have. I missed so many chances and now I’m afraid to even try to make up those lost moments.” He stares at me. I frown and run my fingers through  his hair. “There’s no need to be afraid.” He looks at me again. Neither of us say a thing and it’s so quiet, the world seems to be humming. The humming gets louder as we get closer and everything is silent when he stops right before my lips. “Oh, hi guys.” We both look at Michael. He stands between Ashton and Ivy, holding his phone. “I mean, I was looking for toilet paper, but this is cool too. Nice, nice.” “We were just talking,” I tell him. He laughs and turns around. “It’s in the backpack on the table.” He shoots me a thumbs up over his shoulder and ducks back into his area. I hear the zipper and then twigs snapping and him groaning. “He fell.” “He totally fell.” The next morning, we have pink lemonade and ham for breakfast. “We should go into town,” Wren suggest, “we could go to the mall or something.” Once breakfast is cleaned up and we are all dressed, we get into the car and Wren drives us to the mall. I wander with Wren and Ivy, which leads to me buying a new outfit from H&M. We run into the boys in the food court and we regroup. I end up alone with Luke. We walk around, through the stores and eventually outside. A tattoo parlour is across the parking lot and I wander towards it while Luke talks about a new song he was writing. “Yeah, I just have the best so far.. No lyrics… But I’ll get there, ya know?” “Yeah, I get you.” I open the door and smile at Luke. “Luke, do you wanna get a tattoo?” He stares at me, wide eyed and frowns. “I mean, I don’t know.” He runs the back of his neck and looks around. “That’s alright, you don’t have to. Do you know what a stick n poke is?” “Yeah, Alex showed me how to do those a while ago.” “Would you give me one?” My question seems to catch him off guard. “Y-Sure. Yeah.” “Okay.” I smile at him and walk to the counter, buying a needle and ink. “I’m trusting you.” “Alright.” I shove the items into my H&M bag and hold onto his arm as we walk back to the mall. “People are watching us,” he points out. And he’s right. There’s girls staring at us, taking pictures and talking to each other. “Maybe we should make out to throw them off.” He stops walking, thinking about my comment, and I pull on his arm. “I was joking, come on.” We return back to the food court and I buy a smoothie. They call it a brain booster but it just has strawberries, banana and blueberries in it. We sit on a bench outside Lush and pass it back and forth. A few minutes after we finish, I get a text from Ivy saying they’re ready to go whenever we are. We meet them at the entrance we came in. Back at camp, I keep the bag with my new clothes and new tattooing equipment in it by my pillow. Wren wandered off to find more firewood while the rest of us sit around the campsite. Michael is wandering around, yelling into his phone. I don’t think he realises there’s no service here. But that doesn’t stop him. “MOM! I AM HERE! ARE YOU THERE? MOM?” I tune him out after a while. “Okay, so don’t be pissed but the snotty boy from last night just invited us to get drunk on Fireball and Smirnoff, so I’m down if you guys are.” Wren sets a few sticks and logs beside me when Michael finally hangs up. “I’m not really feeling it,” I tell her. The rest agree to go and they tell me goodbye while they walk down the path to the next campsite over. I lie on the table for a while, staring at the trees above me. “I want to get a tattoo.” I scream, falling off the table and onto the dirt. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry.” Luke kneels beside me, just looking at me. “It’s fine.” I stand up, brushing myself off. I get my bag from the tent and sit on the table with Luke. “Fuck, I can’t believe we are doing this.” I glance up at him through my eyelashes and smile. We are sitting side by side on the picnic table, his right arm in my lap. I clean the spot on the back of his arm, just above his elbow. “Here’s to teenage memories.” “You’re not a teen.” “But you are.” I use a regular pen to draw the little ghost. When it’s done, I open the tattoo needle and ink I bought from the parlour by the mall. I take the pencil from behind my ear and push the end of the needle into the space between the eraser and aluminium around it. “Ready?” “No. Let’s do this.” He watches me as I dip the needle into the ink and begin outlining the ghost. “We are so clever,” I say, finishing the outline. “I know, right?” Like smiles and I hunch over once again to finish the eyes. Once it’s done, I wrap his arm in plastic wrap and tape it into place. “Your turn.” He grabs my arm and repeats what I did in the same place on the back of my arm “One more tattoo to your collection.” He smiles. “Yeah, but this one means something.” Once it’s done, he wraps my arm in plastic wrap and tapes it into place. “We are spiritually connect now.” He smiles and I frown. “I’m sorry, it just had to be said.” “It was funny.” I jump off the table and walk towards the cliff. He sits beside me and we let our feet dangle off the side. “I love you, thank you for always being there.” I rest my head on his shoulder and he rests his head on mine. “You smell like vanilla.” “It’s my dry shampoo.” “I like it.” “Thanks.” We decide it would be a good idea to wander around through the trees, but we stay close to the cliff so we can find our way back. Just after we find a little waterfall, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I assume a text from Ivy just came through, so I glance at my screen. I immediately feel sick. My head begins to hurt and I feel like I’ve spent the last 20 minutes shoving rocks down my throat. “You alright?” Luke looks at me and I shove my phone in my pocket. “Fine.” I smile and walk up to him. Everything begins to hurt and I don’t want to walk anymore. I don’t want to think about the picture of Niall that everyone is mentioning me in on Twitter and I don’t want to be sad about him anymore. I tell Luke I’m tired and we stop, sitting on the edge of the cliff. “You alright?” He asks, staring at me. My head is fuzzy and I seem to lose all sense good decisions, so I lean into him. Kissing him before I can decide otherwise. He is frozen for a second then quickly kisses me back. He stops me when my lips seem to have stained his own. “Why are you doing this?” He asks. “I like you.” “Okay, why are you doing this?” I look down at my lap, feeling disgusting for using Luke. Even if it was only for a few minutes. “I can’t believe I just did that.” I shake my head and stare out over the water. “I’m sorry, that was gross and stupid. Not that you’re gross, like me kissing you just because was gross.” “It’s okay. I get that you’re upset.” “Oh, you do?” I look up at him and he smiles. “Mhm, I know you. I’ve spent the last 7 months with you.”

“Alright, continue.” I smile.

“I saw the picture, of your ex. I don’t know why everyone is tweeting it to you, but just ignore it. Delete Twitter and Instagram, at least for the trip. You shouldn’t be sad on such a happy and fun family trip, it’s not fair to you.” “Did you just call this a family trip?” “Yeah, we are all squad bros.” He sits on his hands and I follow his gaze out over the water again. “I just kissed my squad bro.” Neither of us can stop from laughing. “Just make sure next time you kiss me it’s for a good fucking reason.” When the sun goes down, we are making our way to where the rest of our friends have been for hours. “I think we belong together, on some level, ya know?” “Yeah?” He glances at me, still walking towards the next camp. “Yeah. Not sure how we fit just yet, but it feels like our souls were meant to meet. We just work.” He smiles at me, and I continue. “It was so clear, right from the beginning. We clicked instantly, and setting just said, this is what’s supposed to happen. You helped me make a life in a way.” “You had a pretty good life before me.” “But you made it better,” I say. “It makes me believe in something, whether it be fate or coincidence or just luck. Maybe soulmates.” We make it into their camp and see Michael and Calum by the fire. “Dude, where’s everyone else?” Luke asks. I sit down in the chair next to Michael and Luke sits beside me. “Wren is going off on Zachary, the pink haired one, and everyone else is trying to get her to not scratch his eyes out.” “What happened?” “Not sure.” He takes a bite of his s'more. “What did you guys do?” Luke and I share a look. “Nothing.” He finishes his s'more just as Wren steps into view. Ashton and Ivy are following behind her. “I hate him.” She sits in her chair across from me and folds her arms. “He’s a dick.” “What did he do?” “He tried to throw me into the lake so I broke his nose.” “Oh, shit.” She can’t stay in one place when she’s pissed off, that’s one of the first things I learned about her. Ashton almost follows her into the trees again, but Ivy stops her. “She will come back.” Half an hour later, Wren and Zachary are the only ones not back. “I’m going to find her, c'mon.” I stand up and Luke follows me. We wander through the woods until I hear twigs breaking. I follow the noise and see a silhouette of a person. I use the flashlight on my phone to identify who it is but find Wren and Zachary up against a tree. “Well we found her,” I tell Luke. Wren jumps away from Zachary and fixes her hair. “Well, we will be heading back to the block party. Feel free to join us.” Luke carries me back to the fire and I sit on Ivy’s lap. We have run out of chairs so Luke sits at Ivy’s feet and we talk to Zachary’s friends. There’s four of them, all from England. Austin explained that they had a break between their Seattle and Vancouver shows so they decided to go camping. “Well, look who’s back!” Michael claps and we all look at Wren and Zachary walking back into the circle. “Are you a natural pink?” I ask him. He looks at me for a second before replying. “No.” “I look better in pink.” “Why is your nose broken?” Luke asks. “Does it bleed naturally?” “Is it organic?” “Do you have any pets?” Ivy asks. “If so, can I pet them?”

He looks more than confused about the three of us shooting questions at him nonstop but I enjoy it. We stop asking questions when we feel Wren’s death glare on us. “Are you as good of a kisser as Lucas here is?” Michael asks, eating another s'more. I just want to know how he keeps toasting more marshmallows and nobody notices. Also, did he bring his own chocolate and graham crackers or is he eating theirs? “You kissed?” I raise my eyebrows and glance at Luke, who is trying to hide his face in his knees. “I’ve kissed pretty much everyone here, I am detached from reality.” “You’ve never kissed me?” I say and he looks me dead in the eye. “Do you want me to kiss you?” I feel like he purposely smashed the melted chocolate and marshmallow all over his mouth. “Maybe later.” “Maybe? Why are you being so vague? Why is there no definite answer ever when it comes to you? What are you so afraid of?” “I don’t want candy all over my face.” “No,” he pauses, “no.” He stands up and starts walking towards me. “Michael, please.” I can’t help but laugh. I try to avoid his face, but I fall back and he leans down and kisses me hard, making sure to get chocolate all over me. “You’re so gross, oh my god.” “Do you want me to lick it off?” “No, please don’t.” He shrugs and goes back to his seat and I use paper towel and a water bottle to remove to sticky marshmallow and chocolate.

“I think I want to move to LA,” I whisper into the air. The two of us just got back from hanging out with the other guys and everyone else was too tired to even came back to our camp. I was too focused on things to sleep. “What?” Luke whispers back and I turn my head. Luke is the only one who came with me because he was awake and didn’t want me to be alone. “Really?” “Yeah.”

He smiles and I mirror his expression. “When?” He sits up a bit and I stare at the stars again. “We could go to my apartment on the way back to LA, grab some of my stuff.” “That would be so cool. Because we are always in LA, ya know? Like if we aren’t home or on tour we are in LA. What if we lived in the same complex as Ivy, like we could just wander around to each other’s apartments.” I roll over and listen to him ramble. He looks at me and smiles. “I’ll tell Ivy in the morning.” “Good,” he says, “sleep tight, Sev.” “Goodnight, Luke.” Of course, that isn’t goodnight because I crawl into his sleeping bag about 10 minutes later. I can’t help it, he’s warm and I crave him in a way. I crave the warmth and the physical affection. I love contact and the way he holds me when we sleep. He’s like May 2nd; soft and sweet. I can’t help it. Maybe the reason I feel so empty is because I lost myself in everything I loved and forgot a little bit of me in them. I lost myself in Mickey and John and Brian and Cam. In the color pink and my blue hair. I don’t feel empty when I’m around the guys, especially Luke. He fills the empty spaces in a way. I get along with all of them, and I love them in different ways for different reasons. I can laugh with Michael, talk music with Calum and really talk to Ashton. But with Luke, I can do all this at a deeper level. I feel like I can tell Luke more than I can tell Ashton. I just see him and my day is better. He has a presence and I trust it. Maybe more than I should. I wake up when I feel like someone has dumped a bucket of water on me. I sit up and crawl out of the sleeping bag. Luke sits up, looking around. “Shit.” I scramble around the tent, grabbing my bag while Luke tries to stand up. He trips over his backpack. “Come on.” I try not to laugh at him struggling to stand up in the rain. Once he’s on his feet, we are both soaking wet. He follows me to the van and we both crawl in through the passenger side. I sit in the driver’s seat and look at him.  His hair is sticking to his forehead, his shirt clinging to his torso. “How did we not feel it when it started?” I laugh and he shrugs. “We probably should have put the rain tarp on it. Or checked the weather app.”

I tuck my knees to my chest and watch the rain fall onto the windshield. “I love the rain.” “Me too.” He smiles. It’s quiet for a moment. We both are freezing and yet the air is hot and sticky. “Are you okay?” He asks. “Yeah. I’m fine.” I want to know why he’s asking, do I seem off to him? “I just- I was thinking about when you kissed me.” “Oh.” “Yeah, I was asking because I know you were upset about-” he stops, thinking about if he should let his name even leave his tongue. “That guy.” He knows his name. I know he does, yet he still refers to him as ‘that guy’. “Niall. You don’t have to censor yourself,” I tell him, “but no. I’m not upset about him anymore. It just comes in flashes. I miss him in the tiniest moments. Between seconds.” He looks at me for a second. “Did you-” he stops himself again. “Did you love him?” “Yeah. I did.” He drops the subject after that. Luckily, Michael left some of his blankets and a pillow in here from the drive up. There’s only 2 blankets and neither of them are very warm by themselves, so we sit together on the first bench. We sit too close, trying to get warm. Our teeth are clanking and we both shiver even after getting under the blankets. “Hold on.” I grab my backpack and pull out 2 of my oversized shirts. I sit in the bench behind him, taking off my wet pants and changing into one of the shirts. I hand the other one to Luke and he changes before I return back under the blankets. “That’s better.” I wake up when I hear tapping on the window. It then that I realize I’m laying on Luke’s chest. I sit up and see Michael and Wren staring at me. I try to not wake up Luke as I get out of the van. “You’re not wearing pants.” “They got wet,” I say.

“How wet?” “It rained. We had to seek shelter.” “Yeah, alright.” “The ground is wet. It rained.” “Sure, sure.” Luke gets out of the van behind me and Michael looks him. “You’re both naked,” he says, “and that’s my shirt.” He points at Luke’s chest and I glance at the shirt. “Huh, I guess it is.” I grab my bag from the passenger seat and carry it into the tent with me. When I’m done changing, I walk to the fire pit where everyone is eating cinnamon toast and sipping on Capri suns. I sit next to Ivy and Wren, taking a drink of Ivy’s juice. “How did you make toast?” I ask. They all point behind me and I frown when I look. “Michael, did you seriously bring a toaster?” “I enjoy a crisp start to my day.” “Did you have fun last night?” Luke asks, changing the subject. “Wren and Zach were fighting the whole time but then they made out against the door of his car, so I think they’re good.” Ivy throws a piece of bread at Ashton and he laughs. “Do you have fun? Sleeping together in the van?” “One, it was raining. Two, it was raining and we got soaked and it was cold.” “Yeah, alright.” “Touch the ground, it is damp. It rained. How did all of you miss it?” They shrug and I finish Ivy’s capri sun.

“No, you fucking did not,” Ivy says when Luke and I clean up breakfast. She grabs my arm and looks at the tattoo. Then at Luke. “You assholes went and got matching tattoos.” “It’s a stick n poke, actually. We did it here.” “Alright, you assholes gave each other matching tattoos.” “You got matching tattoos?” Michael says standing next to Ivy.

“Oh my god, can you calm down.” “Not when the lovebirds are tattooing themselves in adorable ways?” “Shut up.” Eventually, they stop talking about it and we all decide to go on a hike. We grab water bottles and start walking. Michael makes Ashton carry him, saying this way he will be able to walk back when Ashton is tired and it’s easier for everyone this way. I shrug and let him do his thing. I’ve learned to not question him, nothing will stop this. We make it to the top of the mountain around noon. It’s more like a large hill, really, but it’s still tiring. We hung out at the top for a while, catching our breath and taking a break. The walk back is way faster and everyone appreciates that. I do, however, fall and land on a rock, causing my knee to bleed. Everyone freaks out and thinks I’m going to die, demanding that they carry me the rest of the way. When we get back to our camp, Zachary is sitting at the table on his phone. “What do you want?” Wren asks him. Ashton sets me on the table and we all look at Zachary. “To invite you to hang out with us?” “We will have to have a squad meeting, wait here.” We all retreat to the now dry tent and I sit on my sleeping bag. Luke sits beside me, asking if I’m okay and I smile and nod. Neither of us pay attention to what they’re saying. “Sev? Do you want to come or do you need a doctor?” “I think I just need Neosporin and a bandaid.” “Alright, Luke are you down to go?” “If I stand up I will die,” He says and I almost snort at how serious he’s gotten all of a sudden. I know he’s just trying to find a reason to stay behind. They leave after a few more minutes of talking and once they’re gone, I get the keys from Wren’s backpack. “You going to the store?” “Yeah, wanna come?” He nods and stands up. He leaves the tent so I can change and I do the same for him. Once he’s done, we get into the van and I turn on the car. “You’re adorable when you drive.” “Shut up.” Once we are out of the trees, I can drive a normal speed. “What was it like growing up here?” He asks. “I loved it. Rained all the time, everything is green, the air is clear.” He smiles at me and I run my fingers through my hair. “Tell me about it.” “I used to live across the street from the elementary school and the middle school. There were 5 elementary schools that dumped into 2 middle schools and one high school. Me and my two friends used to buy these like big glitter balls and named them and carried them around everywhere. When one popped, we hosted a funeral at recess.” “What was yours named?” “I had 4. The light blue one was Bubbles, the gold one was Goldie, the dark blue was Midnight and the purple one was Minnie.” “You were such a wild child.” “They sold them at Target. The closest Target was like 20 minutes from my house.” He smiles and I begin talking about the park down the street and the dairy down the hill from the park. “I kinda wanna see this now.” He laughs and I look at him. “Want to? It’s only like 15 minutes from here.” “Oh god, yes.” He smiles and turns up the radio. We sing along, the windows down and the cold air blowing in our faces. When we pass the bridge that leads up to town, I roll up the windows. “There’s cows.” I laugh and he just looks at me. The road leading into town is skinny and a one car each way kinda thing. The road is risen 10 feet above where the cows graze the grass and to this day, I think it’s funny that there’s just a farm right off downtown. I drive down main street and Luke keeps his eyes glued to his window. “That’s the Local Scoop, the diner.” I stop at the sign and point out his window to the building across the street and to the right. I take a left and drive up the hill to where I used to live. When the road levels out, it’s all houses. “Down that street is one of the elementary schools and the library.” He nods and I keep driving. I point out my window to the park and as we get closer to my old house, my heart starts racing and my throat tightens. When my parents moved out, they didn’t tell me who bought the house so I have no idea of it will even still be there. We pass the church and I stop right after it. A large patch of grass, on Luke’s side and my childhood home out my window. “That’s the triangle.” I point out his window at the grass and he smiles. “Where’s your house?” I open my door, not saying anything, and he follows my actions. The two apple trees at the end of the front lawn are in full bloom and as I walk towards the gravel driveway, my throat tightens. I haven’t been here in years. “This is it.”

He looks at me, then the brick house. The pink roses I planted are blooming and the tree on the side of the house that drops sharp leaves, I still don’t even know what kind of tree it is, is as tall as ever and I smile. I feel like I might cry so I take a breath. “This is where you grew up.” He smiles at me and wraps his arms around my neck. I hug him as tight as I can and he rubs my back. “Are you okay?” A little girl yells from the front door and I look at her. “Yes! I’m okay.” She begins to runs towards us and I take a step away from Luke. “I love you,” she says when she  stops in front of me and both Luke and I laugh. “You love me?” “You sing pretty.” I smile and crouch down in front of her. “Thank you.” She she holds her arms open and I smile and hug her. “Amanda! What do you think you are doing?” A short lady with short brown hair comes out from the house and walks over to us at the end of the driveway. “She was crying.” The little girl explains and her mom looks up at me. “You’re that singer?” I nod and she looks at Luke. “You her boyfriend?” “Yeah.” “You were crying?” “This is my old house.”

She looks around then smiles. If I wasn’t leaning into Luke, I would have fallen over when she invites us inside. We enter through the front room, passing through the laundry room and into the kitchen. “What are you doing here?” She asks, pulling out Tupperware with brown powder in it. “We are camping with some friends up in Mount Vernon and I wanted to show him where I grew up.” She smiles at me and starts pooling some water on the stove. There’s 4 entrances to the kitchen. From the laundry room behind us, to the right is the hallway with 2 bedrooms and a bathroom and the left is the dining room. In between the dining room and the hallway is a door that leads up to the attic where my brother’s room used to be.

“That used to be my room.” I point down the hall and to the open door. Luke smiles, leaning down to planting a kiss on my cheek. “You can wander, do you want some cocoa? I’ll holler when it’s done.”

We thank her and I stroll into my old room. It’s now floor to ceiling book shelves. It’s a library now. I look out the window and into the front yard, smiling. “I had a bunk bed.” I laugh, tears filling my eyes. Luke wraps his arms around me and rests his chin on top of my head. I show him the living room, the pellet shove that I used to always mess with, then the basement. This was the storage room and off of it was my sister’s bedroom. Now it’s a TV room. “It’s weird to see all of the shelves replaced with a TV and a couch.” “This is a pretty house.” “Yeah.”

We walk back upstairs and I show him the back yard. The porch expends over half of the back of the house and the grass curves down into where my mom’s garden was. A lilac tree stands in the back right corner of the yard and the property falls down a hill where the majority of the trees grow.

“The neighbor boys used to play with us in there. We built tree houses and convinced ourselves we would run away and live in there.” Once the tour is over, we walk back into the kitchen where the mom is cutting up fruit. “Thank you for letting us look around.” “No problem! Here.” She hands us both mugs and we stand around talking to the mom while we sip on hot chocolate. “How long did your family live here?” “My grandpa built it, so they lived in it for a while and my mom and dad lived in the basement when they first got married. They moved away for a year and moved back when I was born, we stayed here until I was 15.” “We just moved in last year.” I nod and smile at her. When the sun is beginning to go down, I tell Luke we should probably go back. He agrees and we say bye to the little girl and the mom. “Come back whenever, sweetie.” She hugs me and I nod. When we are back in the van, I drive down the street and to the middle school where I can turn around. I drive down the hill and right before we hit downtown, I take a right. “The store is this way,” I explain, “we should probably get band aids so they don’t question us.” I park in front of the Food Pavilion and turn off the car. “We used to call his the kid kart store.” “Why?” I, again, do not answer him. But he follows me inside. “I understand that now, yes.” He says, looking at the tiny carts inside the front door. I laugh and try to find the band aids. I grab 3 candies and a strawberry banana Naked before I find what I’m looking for. I also buy Luke a bag of m&ms and a Dr Pepper, through his obvious refusal. “I love you.” He stands behind me, loosely wrapping his arms around my neck, leaning down and kissing my cheek again. “I know.” I hand the cashier $20 and she grabs my change. I take my bag and the the money then turn around, Luke’s arms still around my neck. “We have to go. Please let go of me.” He smiles, dropping his arms by his sides. I hold onto his arm while we walk back to the car. The sun has gone down and it’s beginning to rain again, the air is thick and sticks in my throat but I don’t mind it. “Now where to?” “Probably back to camp, there’s not many places to go.” “I don’t want to go back yet.” “Then let’s just stay here for a while.” He smiles and I hand him his candy. I read open my starburst and he pops some m&m’s into his mouth. “Space scares me,” I tell him, staring at the moon. “What?” He turns his head and laughs. “I don’t like the unknown, I don’t like taking chances. I like knowing the result.” “I think the unknown is cool. It can be anything you want it to be, really.”

“That’s not accurate. You can’t control how people react, they might stand in your way of getting what you’ve set out for.” I eat a pink starburst, watching the rain fall onto the windshield. “But sometimes they don’t.” I eat a few more starbursts, handing the ones I don’t like to Luke for him to eat. 10 minutes later, I start the car again and drive out of the empty parking lot. “Where are we going?” “I want to show you something.” I take the road that takes us behind the store, down the hill and to the park by the river. I turn off the car and look at Luke. “Come on.” I get out of the car, stepping out of the van. by the time I sit on the picnic table under the cover that shields us from the rain, I’m soaked. Luke sits beside me without a word, and I look at him. “This was the park where the town always gathered for holidays. There were duck races and all that shit.” I smile and Luke laughs. “This is where I played my first concert.” “Really?” “Yeah, for the Fourth of July when I was 15, right before we moved away.” “Why did you move?” “My mom hates it here.” We don’t talk for a while. We just watch the rain fall onto the swings and the slide. The cold water sticking to my hair and my clothes is finally getting to me, making me shiver. “Cold?” “Obviously.”

He rolls his eyes and takes off his jacket, then his hoodie. He’s left in his flannel when he holds his dry hoodie out for me to put on. “Thanks.” I don’t know why it occurred to him but not me that it might rain, I’ve lived here for a complete 18 years of my life. “You’re welcome.” We get back to camp just before everyone else. It somehow didn’t rain here, but we still put on the rain cover over the tent. We had just gotten changed and settled into our sleeping bags when I hear Wren and Michael laughing. The next day is our last, so we decide this will be our 100% disconnected day. We have the last of our Capri suns and marshmallows for breakfast then I clean up while everyone gets changed. When I’m done, I join Ivy and Wren in the tent to change. The guys act completely suspicious the whole morning, and it finally makes sense when they pick us up, run to the cliff and jump in. I screamed bloody murder but I had enough time to hold my breath before we hit the water. “Fucker.” I splash Michael when we break the surface and he laughs. We splash around for a while, Luke and Michael swimming around touching our feet and legs in an attempt to try and scare us. They give up on that when Wren kicks Michael in face. “Calum, why does it feel like you haven’t been here this whole time?” Michael asks. We sit scattered across the 3 boulders in the middle of the lake, staring at the trees and mountains surrounding us. “Are you even real?” Ivy questions him. “Who even are you?” Wren fills her voice with fake disgust and I can’t help but laugh. Calum frowns and throws himself into the water before crawling back up to us. It’s kind of funny. The 7 of us sitting in the middle of a lake, soaking wet and fully clothed. If my mom showed me a picture of us like this when I was 8, I would have pinned us all has bad kids. The kids that have no morals. That got into drugs and rebel against their parents every wish. I would stare at the scene and ask, how could girls and boys be coexisting and they’re not fucking around? That’s impossible. I would look at Michael, Ivy and myself with a frown. Making your hair any color that’s not your natural color isn’t a nice thing to do to your mom. Our arms would definitely catch my eye. Tattoos are for the bad kids. Bad words will send you to hell. Their shorts are really short. Kissing boys is gross. Who gives a fuck?

“I fucking love you guys.” They all aw adorably and I roll my eyes. “I’m serious. Not just an 'aw you’re my friends, I love you’. But honestly. You’re my best friends. I love you more than anything.” “I agree. I want to live my life and I want to do it with you guys,” Ashton says, resting his elbows on his knees. “You make life a little bit better.” “I remember when the squad first became friends again. You, Sev, were my best friend all through in elementary and middle school and when you moved away after Freshman year it fucking ripped a part of me away, ya know? And when you showed up at my door when I was 19 and barely surviving it was fucking blessing because your hair was white and it was like oh shit I’m dead. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be as successful because I needed your support when I came home from a casting I totally bombed. And when Wren came into our little clique everything came together. We were completed. We all followed our dreams and we all made something of ourselves and we did it.” Ivy says, glancing between me and the trees behind me. I move over to her, resting my head on her shoulder. “And you annoying Australians just added to our little family and I am so grateful I get to spend time with you guys. I really hope it will calm down and I won’t see you very much but I do love you guys.” We all share our little sappy stories and by the end almost all of us are in tears. This moment just kind of came alive and we all shared a little more of ourselves than anyone else in the group has seen. We admitted things we ourselves weren’t sure of and everything is raw and unfiltered. It’s true. Michael ends the sappy moment by jumping back into the water and we all follow his lead. We swim around for a little while longer, and when we decide to go back up, I cling to Luke’s back while he swims to shore. One by one, we lazily climb out of the water and up the rocks to our campsite. Ashton starts a fire while we strip ourselves of our wet clothes, hanging them in a tree. Once we are all in dry pajamas, we huddle around the fire and try and regain our warmth. “I want to move to LA.” I break the silence and everyone looks at me. “Really?” Ivy smiles. I nod and she goes off on a rant about how we can pick up my needs on the way back tomorrow and hire some movers to get the rest and then we can get me a lease for an apartment by her. The entire hour long drive to my apartment in Seattle, Luke and Michael are singing throwback R&B songs. When I park on the street in front of my building, everyone gets out before I can even turn off the engine. “You live here?” “Most of the time.”

They follow me into the lobby and watch me get my mail. I have a few bills and someone gave out my address so there’s a few letters from fans. A yellow piece of paper sitting at the bottom of the mailbox tells me I have a package in the office and I ask the building manager for it. He leaves for a moment then returns with a medium sized pink box. It’s decorated with white ribbon and there’s several happy birthday stickers on every side of it. It must have been sent a little after my birthday or from some far away place so it arrived while I’ve been gone. I thank him and stand next to Wren by the elevator. Michael tries to pick the lock on my mailbox while we wait for the doors to open. In my apartment, Wren and Ivy help me gather the stuff we are going to take with us. The guys hang out in the kitchen digging for food. While they get themselves well fed and I have my 3 bags of clothes ready to go, I sit at the table between Ashton and Wren. I cut open the box and look inside. A piece of paper with almost a yellow hue to it sits on top. My friends are lost in their conversations so they don’t even notice me take the paper and read it. Darling, The phases of the moon fill the abyss of the land above our heads and you have to have faith that what you learn in science class is honest when the idea that space is real; time is real; this is real. We are real. We don’t really know if watch is round or if there’s even other planets. We don’t know that there’s another galaxy and we have no fucking clue if there’s aliens watching us and taking our cows in the night. Our whole lives are built upon faith and trust in the system of us. We don’t know that the sun is on fire or that everything revolves around it like its the most important person in the world. We don’t know if the sun is frozen over and if this world is just floating in a dark room while a God watches over our ever move.    I don’t know if I see perceive green the same way my brother sees purple and maybe that’s why his favorite color is orange and mine is blue. They’re the same to us and we don’t even realize it. We believe what we are told. I believed Santa and the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy knew there was a key hidden in the tree by the door and would come in and leave me surprises in the living room because I didn’t feel comfortable with them coming in my room while I was asleep. I believed that Katie in second grade got cooties from kissing Ryan under the slide at recess. I believed that Bloody Mary lived in the bathroom at the movie theater downtown. I believed that ripping her blouse open was the fastest way to her heart but that just made mine cold. I believed that I was worth the gum under the seat. I believed that you loved me. Happy birthday, baby. You’re no longer breaking my rule. Sincerely Yours, Niall

My whole body becomes cold. It starts in my back and spreads like a plague. I set the letter face down on the table and reach into the box again. I pull out a cd case and a stuffed pineapple. The cd case has a picture of me on the cover. My hair is newly blue and I’m sitting on the ground looking somewhere off to the right. I recognize the picture to be from the night of my Phoenix show. After my set and when I was meeting fans. Is he trying to send some kind of fucked up message with this? I glance into the box, seeing all the little knickknacks scattered across the box. On the very bottom is a shirt. I pull it out, holding it out so I can see what it says. White on black, They Will Write Stories About The Lives That We Lived. The words are bold and cover the whole front of the shirt. “What’s that?” “A birthday present,” I whisper, staring at the shirt. I throw it back in the box and leave it on the table saying we should leave if we want to get back at a decent time. I don’t realize someone brought the box until we are at a rest stop and I get into the back to change my clothes and see it under my backpack. The drive after that goes by in sort of a blur. We were all coming down from our relaxed high and everyone is tired and sad that our getaway is coming to an end. I try to distract myself from the box but I can feel it taunting me. I feel spiders in my spine whenever it crawls into my memory and I think about something else. I think about how much I’ll miss this. We all have to go back to our lives and maybe one day we will find time in our busy schedules when everyone is free for another hangout. That won’t be anytime soon though and we all know it.

The guys go to stay at their friend Brian’s house. Back at Ivy’s apartment, we drag our feet up the stairs and through the front door. The drive sucked all energy out of us, but we aren’t tired. So we build a home on her couch. Ivy says that we all have to wear sweaters and pajama shorts so I wear a grey sweatshirt and a pair of my old gymnastic shorts. Wren draws the blinds and we turn on a movie. I rest my head on Wren’s lap and try to pay attention to the movie. My head and throat hurt and I’ve been fighting off a cough. I’m assuming it’s from my wandering in the rain with Luke. I always get super emotional when I’m sick. “I hate boys,” I sigh, halfway through Clueless. “Why?” “They stress me out.” “What happened?” “I appreciate Luke always being there and I love him to death but being with him feels wrong in a part of me. It’s stupid but I feel like I’m betraying Niall, in a way.” “Don’t be stressed. People don’t stick around for no reason,” she says, tucking my hair behind my ear. “If they’re with you, you gotta trust them when they say they love you. The opposite is also true, too,” her fingers brush over my cheekbone and I almost shiver at how cold she is. “If they leave, you gotta trust that they don’t.” Boys are stupid. At 7 the next morning, there’s a knock on the door. I get up, stumbling across the room to the black door. "Hi!” I slam the door shut. “That’s not a very nice thing to do.” I roll my eyes at Michael’s whining from the other side. “Fuck off.” I walk away, falling back into the couch and cuddling into Wren’s leg. For 2 and a half weeks, we somehow ignore every call and text from the guys and every knock on the door. We pretend that we don’t have obligations or jobs for a little while. Our little hide away ends when Ivy gets called in to film and Wren makes a low key appearance at an art show downtown. I, however, have yet to be spotted. I have kept to myself mostly, I just needed time to think about things by staying alone in my new apartment 2 doors down from Ivy. At 10 o'clock, when the sun is down and I’m still alone but itching for company, I slip on my shoes and walk down to what I have been told is his apartment. Third door on the first floor of the building to the right. After a few knocks, I think that I have the wrong door. Or he just isn’t home. But just as I am turning to walk away, the door opens. Luke stands in the doorway shirtless and running his hands through his hair. I almost can’t ask him. I’m not really even sure what to say. I haven’t seen or talked to him in weeks. “Will you come with me?” “Yeah, hold on.” He disappears into the darkness of his apartment and appears a second later wearing a shirt and flip flops. He follows me on the parking lot and to my car. One of the movers drove it down for me, which I’m thankful for. I get in the driver’s seat and Luke watches me as I turn on over the engine and back out of my covered parking spot. He doesn’t ask where we are going. Not until I get on the freeway. “I’m sick of being alone in my apartment.” It’s not really an answer, but he accepts it as one. I keep switching which hand is on the steering wheel, so I can run my hand through my hair. The road is clear of cars. Somehow we are the only ones who thought about driving on the 405. Even just having him in my passenger seat is making my throat loosen up. These last 3 weeks have felt like a getaway that got tired and lonely. “Thank you.” “For what?” He turns his whole body to look at me, lending against the door behind him. “Existing.” We stay silent for a little longer. I take the next exit I see and pull off into a gas station. The lights are the only thing to be seen for miles and I know that we are in the middle of nowhere now. I park in front of the convenience store and stare at my hands at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel. He just looks at me. “I’ve been thinking a lot,” I start.

“That doesn’t sound good.” I look at him. He’s frowning and I almost feel bad for making him think it’s something terrible. That I drove him out in the middle of butt-fuck Egypt to drop a bomb on him. “It’s not bad.” “Okay. Good.” We don’t talk. Staring at each other with words we want to let out in the tip of our tongues but we don’t know what they really are so we don’t trust ourselves to open our mouths. We don’t talk, but then we do. At the same time we try to let on the words out but they get lost in each other. “Oh, you go first,” I tell him. “I’m in love with you.” “Fuck.” I face my body to the steering wheel again and open my door. “I’m sorry,” he says, watching me get out of the car. I walk around the front of the car, glancing at him through the windshield. He looks like a deer in headlights, his eyes watching my every move and his head moving with me. I open his door and he frowns. “I’m sorry, please don’t make me walk home. I don’t know where we are. I am a poor Australian boy I don’t know this country.” I blink at him, keeping my hands above my head, holding onto the roof. I don’t realise I’m smiling until he finally shuts up. “Why are you smiling? This isn’t the time for you to be smiling. This is my life on the line, Sev.” “You’re such a fucking idiot.” “Well that’s not very nice.”

I drop my hands to my sides and laugh at him, leaning into the car. I lose my balance when I realize the bottom of the doorframe is shorter than my knees and I fall into Luke, kissing him harder than intended. He doesn’t mind, he doesn’t push me away with broken teeth. Rather, he smiles and I feel his hand on my cheek. “We should probably go back,” he whispers, pulling away only slightly. I nod and shut his door and walk back to the driver’s side and getting in. He turns on the radio and keeps it a quiet buzz. It’s just a background noise.

I pull into my parking space and get out without a sound. Luke follows me to the foot of the stairs that lead up to my apartment on the second floor, keeping his eyes on me and I try to avoid looking but I give in and glance at him. “Goodnight.” “Goodnight, Luke.” “I’ll see you tomorrow.” “See you tomorrow.” I think it’s over now. We will part ways and I will have to find a way to get myself to stop fucking smiling as soon as I shut my front door. But when I try to turn and walk away, he grabs my hand and pulls me into him. He rests his chin on top of my head and I hold on to him tight. “Come back with me.” I walk with him to his door which he pushes open and quickly pulls me inside. His apartment is meant for one person. One room which is the kitchen and the living room, two doors to the left leading to the bathroom and his bedroom. “You know you shouldn’t leave it unlocked like that. Someone could come in and steal all your stuff or ya know, kill you.” He leans against his dresser, nodding slowly for a minute, not even paying attention to a thing I said. I roll my eyes but he slides over to me, leaning down and kissing me quickly. I take a step back and trip over a pair of his jeans and fall back onto his bed. Our kisses start short, innocent and very repetitive. He moves his hands from my face down my sides and pulls at the bottom of my shirt. I arch my back into him and he kisses me harder, my teeth feel like they’re going to rip through my skin and the feel of his scruff against my palm makes me smile and I try to pull him even closer. He bites my lip and I feel almost light headed but a loud meow in my ear when Luke kisses my neck knocks me out of my daze. I scream and accidentally knee him in the crotch, making him fall off the bed and into the floor groaning. “What the fuck is that?” I sit up in my knees, looking at the kitten that is on the bed behind me. “A kitten.” He acts like I pushed him off a boat, holding onto the side of the bed like he’s drowning and trying to keep this head above water. “I know it’s a fucking kitten, Luke. Where did it come from?” “His name is Oswald.” He stands up, sitting behind me. He picks up the kitten and rubs the top of its head. “Where did Oswald come from?” “I got him a few days ago. I was lonely.” “Oh my god.” I kiss him again and he carefully sets Oswald on the bed a safe distance away from us before he tangles his hands in my hair and pushes me onto my back. His lips are warm but his piercing is cold against my collarbone and the pressure of him on top of me is a weird sense of pleasure and I begin to giggle. Luke stops, looking up at me and my giggle turns into a horrible laugh and he kisses my nose, laughing with me. He lies down next to me and we stare at the ceiling, our laughter dissipating. The next morning, I wake up to Luke laying on top of me. “Get off of me.” My voice is muffled under his back and I feel his laugh on my nose. “You’re so comfortable.” “Shut up and get off.”

He eventually rolls off me and I pull his whole duvet over me in an attempt to go back to sleep. “Seeeevv.” Luke pulls the blankets off me and grins. “I don’t like you.” I try to roll away from his smile but I was too close to the edge and land on the floor. “Ha! Loser.”

I stand up at the end of the bed and stare at him with my hands on my hip. He sits up on his elbows and stares at me with a smile. “Did I make fun of you when you got your dick bruised and fell on the floor? No. Because that’s rude. You don’t make fun of someone who is hurt, you just don’t.” He stands up, looking down at me and cupping my cheeks. “Alright. I’m sorry.” He kisses my nose 3 times before my lips. “Yeah, whatever.” A knock comes to the door and I meander into the kitchen to find something to eat. I hear Michael as soon as the door opens. “Hey, baby! How’s my favorite little girl.” For a second I think he’s talking to me but when I turn around he’s cuddling the cat. “Oswald is a boy,” I correct him. “Okay but what if Oswald wants to be a girl? Why does Harold have to conform to gender roles just because Luke is an idiot and named his cat Frank.” I change the subject by saying good morning and he sits on the couch continuing to pet Oswald. “So why are you here at 8am? Don’t you normally wake up in like 3 hours?” Michael asks.

“Luke invited me over to make him food.” I shrug, sitting in the counter. Michael glances at me then carries on with the cat. I leave after I make breakfast, insisting to Luke and Michael that I need to go do something and I’ll grab some food while I’m out. The next time Wren and Ivy are at my apartment, I don’t tell them. I think about it. I want to tell them, but I can’t get the words out. Every time I look at one of them I can feel myself wanting to say it but when I open my mouth I chicken out and can’t do it. Luke doesn’t bring it up to anyone either. Or maybe he did and they decided to not say anything, because I would expect at least Michael to tease Luke about it when we are all together, but he doesn’t say a word. When Wren and Ivy come over to help me shop for furniture to put in my new apartment, the guys come knocking on the door asking if we will hang out with them. “We are going to IKEA, you’re welcome to come.” It was more of a hollow offer, I hoped they wouldn’t accept but I’m not mad when they do. They pile into my car and Wren goes with Ivy in her car. “You should sit in the back,” Ashton says. “It’s my car.” “But you’re the smallest.” “It’s my fucking car.” I make Ashton sit in the back because of his comment and Michael sits in up in the passenger seat with me. I park next to Ivy and we all walk in together. I fall behind, next to Luke. “I feel like you like Michael more than you like me.” “At least you know.” I walk faster, catching up with the girls and he falls back to the guys. We take the escalators up to the top floor and I walk with Ivy and Wren around through the decorated rooms. At some point the guys wander off somewhere and we leave it to them to find us. “So what’s up?” Ivy asks, holding onto my arm. She frowns when I shrug. She reacts by telling me I need to access my feelings more. “It’s just that thing where I’m sad and tired but I’m not really sure why I’m sad.” “Oh, Sev.” They both hug me while we walk. “Really?!” We turn around and Michael crawls out of the tent set up for kids to play in. “You’ve walked past us like 3 times! And we are in easy places!” “What are you doing?” “What? Dude,” Michael looks at Luke “Maybe it’s just an Australian thing.” “You would think hide n seek would be a universal thing but I guess not.” “Okay girls, we are going to teach you how to play this game we play in Australia.” We don’t say anything while Michael and Luke explain what hide n seek is and all the rules. “Let’s practice, okay? So I’ll sit under this table and all you need to do is look at me and say found you, alright? Good? Was that too fast?” “I got it.” He sits under the table and I take a step back, looking down at him. “Found you.” “Good! Now let’s try this out. You go hide and we will try and find you.” We nod enthusiastically and walk to the bedroom displays. I sit on the bed, reading emails while Wren and Ivy check out the bathroom. “Seventeen!” Michael stands with his hands on his hips and Luke stands behind him, staring at me. “I didn’t know where to hide. I don’t understand this game.” I continue reading the email, my voice uninterested.

“Dear god, what would you do without me?” He holds my arm, making me stand up and pulling me across the room. “I don’t know Michael, I would probably die.” “Well you wouldn’t die but you’d make an ass out of yourself in Australia.” He opens the door to a wardrobe and motions for me to climb in, shutting the door behind me. After 5 rounds of hide n seek, I pick a couch and a bed as well as several lamps and decorations for my apartment. I pay for everything downstairs and I have Ashton go get my car and back it up over here so we can get everything in the back of it. “Did you tell them?” Luke stands next to me, holding a chocolate bar. “Who?” “Ivy and Wren. Did you tell them about us?” “Oh, no. Was I supposed to?” “I mean you can, but I didn’t tell anyone.” “Okay.” I make the guys carry the heavy stuff and load it into the back of my car. It’s lucky that we brought 2 cars because we had to load some of the lamps in Ivy’s back seat. We get back to my apartment in 30 minutes, 10 extra minutes because the Australians thought they were hungry. I make them set up my furniture for payment for driving them and buying them food. Wren and I go to Ivy’s apartment to hang out at while they do that It takes them 4 hours and that whole time, we are just watching movies and eating some soup Wren made. The guys come by after we finish the soup and tell us they’re going to go home now that’s it’s all done. I thank them several times, hugging them each time. I like hugging Luke the most, maybe because he smells the best or because of the way he holds me and rests his chin on the top of my head. Once we shut the door and are back on the couch watching Ouran Host Club when Wren says we should take a vacation. Another girls week and don’t let the Australians tag along. So Ivy arranges it. We plan to go to New York, we have always had a good time in New York so we thought it would be a nice time. We caught a flight up to Seattle for Wren to get some of her other clothes. We are in Washington for only about 3 hours, 2 of them being spent getting checked in and through security for our next flight. I sit in the with my head on Wrens lap while she texts Zachary and I can feel my spine coming out of its place and cramping up. Ivy sits on the other side of Wren, speaking fast into her phone, I’m assuming she’s talking to one of her managers. Once in awhile one of us will get up and buy a drink or cookies from Paradise Bakery but for the most part we stay sitting quiet with our eyes our phones until it’s time to board. I can see the rain through the windows surrounding us but hearing it hit the roof when we are boarding gives me a sense of bliss. We are one of the first few people on the airplane so I sit on the window seat, Wren in the middle and Ivy in the end. It’s 2 hours and 20 minutes to Vegas and then we have 20 minutes to hurry to gate 10 and get on the next plane to JFK. I put on my buckle as soon as I sit down. Not because I’m afraid I’m going to die or anything like that, but it’s more just a habit. The stewardess goes through all the proper procedures in the intercom while another stands in the middle of the aisle and demonstrates everything she says. She knows what she’s going to say before she says it, they have both done this long enough to know the script. I don’t take off my buckle when the light turns off, not planning on getting up at anytime since I have sworn off airplane bathrooms. I keep one earbud in the whole flight, talking to Ivy and Wren about artistic choices and who we would prefer to have rule our country next. “If he was eligible to run, of course I would vote Drake.” “Yes, but what about Ellen?” “Okay but this about this; Adam Levine.” “Okay, that’s real.” I take too many pictures of the clouds as we pass through them and when I start to feel tired, I rest my head on Wren’s shoulder. I wake up when the captain announces that we are 150 miles out and he is going to begin our descent. We will be landing in about 35 minutes. The three of us huddle around Wren’s phone while she calculates how fast we are going and how long it would take to get to Amsterdam at this speed. I don’t know why or how she knows how far Amsterdam is from LA, but we don’t question it. I always expect to be more afraid of the turbulence than I am. I have a horrible fear of highs but when the plane shakes and I feel my stomach burn empty, I don’t bite my lip and close my eyes. I find myself looking out my window and smiling at the ground. When the pilot turns the plane almost on its side, I laugh at the new view of the desert below us. We touch down and I can feel how fast we are going now. I watch the flaps on the wings turn up as the plane comes to a stop and we pull up to gate 1. Everyone stands up and begins to grab their things out of the overhead bins but even when everyone is prepared to get off, we are still waiting. “Excuse the wait, we are just waiting for someone to come open the door.” The pilot repeats the same phrase over and over 4 times in the 17 minutes we are waiting. “If we don’t get off right now we are not going to make the transfer.” “They will wait for us. We aren’t the only ones who need to get on there.” 2 minutes later, the door is opened and everyone is ready to make it out of this cramped space. The three of us run as fast as we can but when Ivy says she can see the gate, we stop. The doors are closed and nobody is boarding. We walk the rest of the way, Ivy offering to get in line at the kiosk to figure out what happened. Wren and I sit in the seats about 200 feet away and plug our phones into the outlets at the bottom of the chairs. I pull my custom water bottle Luke gave me for my birthday it’s a clear pink with a thick black 17 printed on the side and a black lid. I filled it with propel before we left and I forgot about it so when I take a drink, expecting plain water and getting strawberry kiwi, I almost choke. Wren snorts, not even able to form words from how hard she’s laughing. I flip her off and set the bottle on the floor. I scroll through Twitter until Ivy stands in front of us saying she doesn’t want to wait anymore. “All passengers flying to JFK or DCA, please report to check in. We will try and get you on a flight tomorrow, our apologies.” “What the fuck is that suppose to mean?” We all frown and Ivy shrugs, taking a left in the direction of check in. There’s a hoard of people and, judging by their lack of bags, I know they are here to rebook a flight. We get in line and after 10 minutes of standing, we get to a kiosk. “It seems like our next flight with 3 open seats is either Tuesday or Wednesday.” “That’s a fucking week away.” “I know. I’m sorry.” “I only have a week off work.” “I’m sorry.” “What the fuck happened?” “Um, they’re calling it Flypocolypse.” “Are you shitting me? What happened?” “A tower went down in D.C. And it closed all airports in the Northeast.” “This is fucking amazing,” Ivy laughs. “Fine. Book us for Tuesday. I’ll call a hotel.” She walks off shaking her head and I frown. Once it’s all booked, Wren and I walk over to Ivy who is standing off by a window. She’s rubbing her temple and I know she’s freaking out. This trip was suppose to be relaxing. “We need to get our bags, come on.” We walk until we find a sign pointing to baggage claim. There’s 3 huge piles of luggage and we scavenger for our bags. I almost have a heart attack when my bag and guitar aren’t in any of the piles. “I had $400 worth of shoes in that bag. Do you know how long it took for me to buy that? And my camera. Oh no.” A lady walks past with a cart full of bags and I almost cry when I see my red back with the broken wheel, my guitar in its case on top. “Wait!” She stops walking and looks at me. “That’s my stuff, sorry.” She smiles and says it’s alright, helping me get my stuff off the cart. We find the pickup lanes and signal a cab to pick us up. A guy in an orange vest helps us get all our bags in the trunk and I hand him a $5 bill. “Could I have a quick picture?” “Yeah!”

He asks us to cling to him, act like we are fawning over him. Once the picture is taken, we hug him then we get in the cab. Vegas is basically a new world. It’s all neon lights and bad decisions. You can be whoever you would like as soon as you enter the city limits. Maybe you’re being someone you didn’t know you could be or just a truer version of yourself. The lights have that effect on you. It soaks into your skin and finds itself in your veins. There’s no escaping it once you’re in. This isn’t the week long vacation that we expected, but we can make it work. Ivy booked a room on the 10th floor of a hotel off the strip, I didn’t catch the name. Entering the room, I see that the entire wall is a window. “This place is intense.” “But it’s perfect,” Wren says falling onto the bed. I agree. It’s perfect. It’s just us. When I am looking through my bag for clothes, I realise it. “I fucking left my water bottle at the airport.” “Luke might kill you.” Wren starts to laugh but she stops herself, looking up at me. “No, he won’t. He’s too sweet.” As the sun is setting, we think it would be a great photo to be completely topless in front of the huge window. Maybe it’s the city or maybe it’s just us being stupid. Making another stupid decision, we get ready to get fucked up at a club down the strip. It’s about a mile and a half but we take a cab, not wanting to walk that far in our little black dresses and heels. Wren ordered a round of shots and they both tell me to take the first one. The two of them watch me intently as I throw my head back and let the bitter taste explode over my tongue. I lose count of how many more shots I take but I doubt it’s over 6. I’m not quite drunk, I’m completely coherent, but I can feel my blood running its course through my body. I can’t stop smiling and laughing. I am so fucking happy and free. For once, I’m not thinking about Niall, and I’m not thinking about Luke. This is the vacation we wanted. It’s been such a long time, but I had an addictive personality and I went into shock when Niall dropped me cold turkey. He left a scar. Almost everything tastes like him and I hear his name hundreds of times a day, just walking down the street. The three of us are dancing in the middle of the room when I feel like might actually pee myself if I don’t find a bathroom soon. I round the corner and immediately stop in my tracks. His eyes light up and he starts walking towards me. I quickly turn around but he grabs my arm. I yank it away just as he appears in front of me. The burning in my veins isn’t from the alcohol anymore. “What do you want?” “Why is kale taste better cooked?” “Get the fuck off me,” I spit. As if my words were more than that, words, he takes a step back as if they punched him in the face. He lets go of me and I push my way through the drunk and sweaty bodies until I’m sure he has lost sight of me. I stumble into the bathroom and wash my hands, wiping my cheeks with my arms in the process. I don’t tell Ivy or Wren I’m leaving. I sneak out the back door and begin to walk to the hotel alone. My head is pounding and I can barely walk straight. I only had a a few shots but I think seeing john out me over the edge in some way. I’m buzzed and probably dehydrated while having a breakdown over a boy. My throat is dry and the hot, sticky summer air is making my thighs chafe. I can feel my heels creating a blister on my heel so I lean against a wall and take off before I continue walking. I’m glad that in the hundreds of people I pass, nobody recognises me. I don’t think I would be able to stop walking anyway. There’s a certain feeling pulling me to walk down the street. Or away from the club. Away from Niall. Once I’m back in the room, I get in the shower. I let the water burn my skin, not letting it touch my hair. I stare at the stone wall of the shower and run my fingertips over the sharp edges of the rocks. You would think they would polish them, make them soft and beautiful. But they kept them raw and hard. One wrong move and the blood that’s been on your tongue for too long to even realise it anymore might be flowing down the drain. I can’t get to sleep. Even at 4am when I’m still alone in the room and I have been leaning against the headboard for 3 hours. I slip on my shoes, not even bothering with socks, and walk down to the lobby. There’s a bunch of little shops off the main entrance, a coffee shop being one of them. The boy working is too energetic for it to be 4am, but when I squint at the clock in the corner, it confirms the time. I order a coffee with a shot of cream, talking to him while he makes it. “So what brings you to Vegas?” He smiles, pouring milk in the cup. “A week long layover.” “Wow. That’s intense.” I leave him a $10 tip and head back to my room, sipping on my coffee. Luckily, he made it what everyone calls kid’s temperature because I don’t think burning my tongue would be a good experience right now. Once I’m back leaning against the headboard, I stare at the TV on the wall. I set down my cup on the table beside me and grab my notebook, scribbling down the words in my head. I promised myself I wouldn’t let you complete me. The next morning, Ivy and Wren grill me for ditching them and I just shrug and say I wasn’t feeling well so the bouncer called me a cab. They leave it alone after that. After hanging out in our room for a few hours, Ivy insists that we need to go shopping. I don’t reject. We walk to where all the stores are and decide Topshop is a good first stop. We pick out outfits to try on and model for each other in. Ivy goes first, then Wren, and finally, it’s me. I change into a dark blue high waisted jeans and an orange striped halter top. I’m looking for realistic outfits rather than extravagant runway. I walk out of the fitting room dramatically and horribly walk down the fake catwalk for them. They laugh and clap and cheer for me to work it. Their laughter comes to an end and I turn around. I follow their gazes to the store entrance behind me. Harry and Liam are standing just outside the store, looking at me. “Fuck, do you think he’s with them?” I ask trying to retreat back to the fitting room. I need to avoid him, even thinking about him behind in the same building as me is making me nauseous. I lock myself in the fitting room but since I’m only in the first room, I can hear everything. “Hey! Where’s Seventeen?” I hear Harry ask. “She isn’t here,” Ivy says, nonchalantly. Not suspicious. “Oh, why not? Aren’t you guys inseparable?” “She is at home.” “Are you sure?” Oh my fucking god. Niall is here. Oh my god, oh my god. What the fuck. Oh my god. No, please. My head hurts and I hold my breath. “What the hell does that mean?” “I saw her.” He laughs. “She has blue hair, it’s hard to miss.” “Well, it’s actually more of a teal green so get your fucking facts straight.” “Alright. If you do see her, could you, uh, have her call me.” “Oh, go fuck yourself.” I hear Ivy’s boots stomp away and Wrens soft steps behind her. I wait 10 minutes just be be safe before I change and leave the room. I meet Ivy and Wren at the elevator outside the store. Trying to lift the mood, I buy the jeans and Wren buys the dress she tried on. We start to walk back to the hotel, past all the drunk people and the show girls taking pictures. We pass a transformer when Wren speaks up. “Do you still think about him?” I stare at the ground and barely shrug. “Sometimes,” I say, “but I’ve said what I’ve set out to say and it’s done. I’ve moved on.” My head is light but my limbs are heavy. It’s found to be a challenge to lift my feet off the ground. Arriving in our room, I lay on the bed and just stare out the window at the neon lights, listening to the show Ivy and Wren are watching. There’s over 100,000 people that visit the strip a day and somehow, I’ve managed to run into him twice now. Fuck me.

I wake up at 6, the back of my neck itching with intent. I take a cab to the nearest beauty store and buy hair dye. Wren and Ivy wake up after I’ve stripped my hair of the teal and the new color is setting. I wash it out and they talk about how they wanted to go swimming but now they can’t because I just dyed my hair. I tell them we can go to the pool, I just won’t get my hair wet. They blow dry my hair while I sit on the floor eating a blue Popsicle in my bikini. “This color is so pretty oh my god.” Ivy says. I glance down and smile at the dry hair she has thrown over my shoulder. We walk down to the pool at 11. There’s only about 4 people at the pool besides us. The water is a crystal blue, similar to the color of my hair. A large marble gazebo type structure resides in the middle of the pool, shielding from the sun and the water. A fountain with a gold statue is set in the middle of the gazebo  and steps lead up from the water to the statue. I lay my towel on a chair and carefully tie up my hair before making Ivy apply sunscreen to my back. Wren and Ivy dive in and a sit on the edge with my legs in the water. I don’t trust myself to get in. I don’t know how deep it is. “Are you okay?” Ivy asks. They swim to me and hold themselves above water by holding onto my knees. “Fine. Just thinking.” “About?” “I don’t really know, like habits? Ya know, like biting my nails, dying my hair, falling in love with strangers.” “Oh, so it’s about him.” “Honestly, I kinda knew he didn’t like me, but I liked him anyway. That’s another bad habit, assuming there’s good in everyone.” “Well, fuck him. This is our week and we won’t let him ruin it.” Wren smiles warmly at me then goes under water again. They want to explore the pool on the other side of the bushes so I tell them to go, I’ll just stay here and tan. I don’t need a tan. I lie on my towel and close my eyes, resting my arm over my face. The sun beating down on me is somewhat comforting. It takes 8 minutes for the sun to reach earth. The sun could have just burned out. It could have exploded, and we have 8 minutes until we find out. I’m almost asleep, I feel myself drifting off when arms come around me. I am lifted up and a rough hand covers my mouth so I can’t scream. My heart is beating so hard I feel like it might just burst out of my chest. I am held above his head as he carries me through the water and to the gazebo. When reaching the steps, he holds me to his chest with one arm around my waist. When he’s totally out of the water, he lets me go. I slip on the wet marble, falling on my hands and knees. I quickly turn around and look at who brought me here. His bare feet to his hairy legs, his horrible pink, blue and black floral trunks and his tattooed torso. He’s dripping wet from the water and looks at me with no expression, but then smiles when he sees I recognize him. “You dyed your hair! You’re like an ice princess now,” he says. He knows I can’t get my hair wet, maybe that’s why he brought me over here. Unless I want to risk ruining my hair, I’m stuck here with him. “What the hell do you want?” My hands make fists at my sides and I stand up straight. “Why do you keep blowing me off?” “Why didn’t you answer your phone for a year?” His smile drops and he stares at me. “You can’t just talk to me when it is convenient for you, especially when it’s a year later.” “I listened to all your voicemails. More times than I can count.” He changes the subject. I cross my arms and bite my tongue. “Yeah, well you can’t count very high so that makes sense.” Once again, my word seem to materialize and he takes a step back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your calls, just the voicemails. I, uh, I blocked your number.” He mumbles the last part, rubbing his neck, but I still heard him. “You fucking blocked my number?” “Yes! But, it was for a good reason then I forgot to unblock it and by the time I heard the voicemails it had been a while and I thought it would piss you off to finally call back.” “Why did you block my number then show up everywhere I go months after I got over you?” “You’re over me?” He seems offended, like he never thought this could happen. “Obviously!” “Could we try again?” It was a simple and innocent question, he wanted to try again. Maybe he wanted to prove he won’t disappoint me again. “No! Fuck no! I wish I’d never met you, you fucking asshole breadstick. Maybe then I could sleep at night. I wouldn’t have to walk around knowing I was a stupid and thought a soulless asshole could ever think of me more than someone he could use as an accessory to his bitch attitude. I hate you. I fucking hate you, Niall.” In my fit of yelling at him, tears have fallen down my cheeks and making me feel stupid and weak once again. I can’t even yell at him without crying. All I’ve done lately is cry and complain, and that isn’t changing now. I run my fingers through my hair, hysterical, and I don’t push him away when he hugs me. I keep my arms wrapped around myself, refusing to engage in the hug but letting him hold me when I cry makes me feel better somehow, safe. “Anger is a secondary emotion.” He mumbles. “You’re mad at me because I fucked up and hurt you. Which is understandable. I did fuck up and I ruined you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I don’t say anything. I want to tell him how stupid he sounds but I stay silent. I have stopped crying and now I’m just standing with my head on his chest and his arms around me. “This is how it always is. By the time I decide I like something, it’s gone.” He takes a step back and holds onto my shoulders. “I process things at a very sluggish rate. I develop feelings and emotions much slower than the people around me.”

Opposites attract.

“It’s okay.” I mumble, taking a step back and crossing my arms again. He runs his hands through his hair and sighs. He knows it’s not alright. “Seventeen? Are you okay?” Ivy and Wren come into view at the other side of the water. “We’re all good, girls. Carry on.” Niall waves at them and they both frown. “I want you to know that I will swim over there and kick you when the sun don’t fucking shine then drown you.” “Got it.” He smiles at them and I tell them I’m okay. I’ll yell if I need them. They agree and head back to the other pool. I look back at Niall and frown at him. He sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “I blocked you when I had a lot going on. I had to confront a lot of things I wasn’t comfortable with and I was afraid I would mess something up. Then I saw pictures of you with that guy Luke and I wanted to leave you guys alone. I guess I ended up making things worse. I know I can’t take that back or anything but I’m sorry.” “What was happening?” I cross my ankles, feeling like I’m crossing a line asking him. He smiles and takes a step forward. “I realized I really fucking liked you, and I don’t like anyone. I tolerate people. I like very few people, really. I’m just a bit of a hermit when it comes to people. Anyway, I was talking to my mom about you and she said she had to call my grandma because it sounds like I’m in love. Baby,” he says, bringing up his favorite pet name for me, “I care more about you than I do anyone else, and that terrified me.” “Sorry, asshole, but pretty words can’t get you out of this grave. Now fucking get me to my towel without getting my hair wet.” He looks defeated, slouching his shoulders and nodding. He picks me up and pulls me into his shoulders. He walks across the water and I crawl into the ground before he gets out, creating a wave up water to come splashing out. I yell for Ivy and Wren, saying I’m going to return back to the room. Wren yells back and says they’ll come with me. I wrap my towel around me and grab my phone off the table. Niall grabs my wrist. “I’m sorry.” “Fuck off.” We sit on the floor of our hotel room, staring out the window. The sun is beginning to go down and the florescent lights are beginning to color the skyline once again. I didn’t feel the need to actually change when we came back from the pool so I have been in my bikini and a white v neck all day. “We are so insignificant,” I say.

“It’s kind of beautiful, if you think about it.” “Kinda beautiful, kinda sad.” I run my finger over the glass and stare at the people below us. “Nobody knows we are up here. Nobody knows our stories. Nobody knows what’s happening with us right now.” “Nobody else needs to know, we know. ” We order barbecue wings from Dominos and Wren and Ivy go down to get it when it arrives. Wren wanted to stay with me but I told her I need time alone. Once they leave, I wait a few minutes before grabbing my phone. I slowly scroll through my contacts until I come to his name. I don’t call him. I don’t want to hear his voice right now. Somehow, texting seems to be the better option.

Everything you said is ricocheting into my bones and it won’t fucking go away.

Can we talk? Meet @ panda tomorrow at 9?

I read his text then turn off my phone. I don’t want to see him. Ivy and Wren get back a few minutes later and we continue to watch the sun fall out of the sky and the neon lights seem to overtake the world.

I fall asleep tasting dirt on my teeth.

I wake up before Ivy and Wren, the clock on the wall telling me it’s 8:53. I don’t think. I just pull on my black jeans and my shoes. I take the elevator to the lobby and hurry out of the building and down the sidewalk towards the shopping centre. I walk into Panda Express at 9:15. Niall is sitting at a table by the window, glancing at his phone constantly. I almost turn around. Save myself from all of this. But I walk to him. I sit in the chair across from him and look at him without a word. “Oh my god. I thought you weren’t going to show up.” He smiles. “I almost didn’t.” “Wanna get food? I’ll pay?”

I shake my head and he relaxes in his seat. “You told me to come here so we could talk. So talk. If I remember correctly, you are very good at that.” I cross my arms and he takes a breath. “I need you.” “You’ve already told me that.” “I need you because you make me feel less dead. Everything makes sense with you.” “This was a waste of time.” “Wait.” He grabs my wrist and the look on his face makes me sit back down. “I screwed up, I admit that. But I just need you to listen to me.” “Fine.” “Okay. Starting at the beginning. I was at your show. I saw you standing by your tour bus talking to fans and I was going to go over to talk to you but I was afraid of what that might lead to. You’re the only person that made this whole world feel real to me. I was too comfortable to have you come around and change my whole existence. So I left. I missed your call because I was getting high with some of my friends.” “Well at least you’re being honest.” I mumble and he frowns. “Like I said yesterday, I freaked out and when I saw that you were calling again I let it ring then blocked your number until I could figure out what was going on. By the time I unblocked you it was too late. You were angry and getting over me. I didn’t want to call so randomly. Then I saw you at the club and the mall. I had to talk to you. Then I heard which hotel you were staying at and that someone saw you at the pool and I had to go see you.” All this information is making my head hurt. “I will do anything to make you happy. I don’t care what I have to do, you’re my girl and I want us to get through this.” He leans over the table, touching my face. “Alright. I’ll go with it. But we are just going to start treating each other like acquaintances, okay?” He smiles at my proposition and nods. “If you make the littlest of a fuck up I will allow Ivy and Wren to murder you.” “Preach it.” He holds up his hand and I roll my eyes. “I should get back though. If they find out about this, they’ll kill us both.” He nods in agreement and we agree to part with a smile. Not taking it any farther. Once I’m back in the hotel room, I see that Ivy and wren are awake and watching tv. “Where’d you go?” “Panda. When I got there, I realized I wasn’t hungry though.” Wren nods and I sit next to her on the bed. “Because John was there?” “How do you guys know everything?” Ivy shrugs in response and I lie back on the bed. “He wanted to talk so I let him talk. I agreed to be civil to him. That’s it.” “Being civil in public leads to being civil between his sheets.” “I don’t think that’s completely accurate.”

Ivy rolls her eyes and frowns. “You’ve been trying to get over him for a year, and now you’re walking backwards.” “It only takes 15 seconds with someone smoking a cigarette for a man who gave up smoking 10 years to give in again.” “Sev, I just don’t want to see you like how you were when he left the first time. You weren’t you.” “I’ve changed.” I meet Niall for a friendly dinner. Or at least it was suppose to be. He said to wear something from YSL or Gucci, not telling the the reason why. I only have a bag from YSL and I assume he just wanted me to dress expensive. Ivy and Wren were less than happy about my dinner with the devil but they let me leave anyway. He picks me up in a cab, and we drive to Paris La Vegas, Gordon Ramsey’s restaurant. It all clicks together as soon as we get there. It’s one of those fancy places where you have to have reservations and you lose your shirt trying to cover the cost of your entrée. The hostess pours us both a glass of their finest red wine which John requested before leaving. “This is a bit much,” I mumble when I know she’s gone. “You’re welcome.” “I didn’t say thank you.” I comment, looking through the menu, and he shrugs. “Oh fuck me, I know what’s going on.” “What’s going on?” He sips his wine and frowns. “Well I don’t think this is their best wine, I’ll tell you that.” “You’re so pretentious. You belong here.” “Yes, but who’s the one carrying around a $1,000 purse.” “Okay, what the hell?” He sips more of his wine and stares at me. “Having a little fun is not going to hurt you.” I order a water and the least expensive item on the menu with was an appetizer of fried zucchini at $27. “You’re no fun.” He looks at me and frowns. “I just ordered a $95 steak, and you’re eating an appetizer.” “I love me some fried zucchini.” I smile and he rolls his eyes. “You look good, by the way. You could pull off being rich.” “Cool.” “Are you not going to drink it?” He motions to my glass in front of me and I shrug. “I like to bathe in my wine.” He snorts, catching the attention of a couple behind him. Once he calms down and explains to them that he had an allergic reaction to this horribly young wine, he looks at me. “I can’t stop thinking about kissing you.” “We are going to be eating. Not kissing.” “It’s just kinda consumes my thoughts, and the idea I may never get to kiss you again is enough to kill me. The ever so taunting memory of me pressing my lips to yours continues to play in my head. ” “Memories aren’t valid. They soften, making it so you can’t remember them completely accurately.” “I remember.” “Alright. Whatever.” We are quiet until our food arrives. I laugh when he sees how small his steak is. He calls over our waitress and questions her about it in the most sarcastic way possible and it makes me remember why I even liked him in the first place. He could make me laugh at the littlest things. We split a cab and I get dropped off first. “Well thank you for dinner. I had fun.” “Good,” he grins, “I’m glad.” “Okay.” I get a text when I enter the lobby.

Sweet dreams baby xoxo gossip girl

I roll my eyes and return to my room. Ivy and Wren ask me about our 'date’. I tell them not to refer to it as such and I turned him down every time he brought up wanting to kiss me. That made them feel better, I think. I’m watching TV when he calls. Stupidly, I answer. “Hey.” He seems caught off guard. Like I wasn’t suppose to answer. “Hi.” I sit on the floor by the window and stare out at the city. “I miss you.” “Alright.” I almost whisper, not wanting to wake my friends. “Can you just say something that will help me fall asleep?” “Like what?” “Do you miss me?”

Oh god, yes.

“I miss your pride, and the way your fingertips left traces of flowers in me. You touched me and I grew. I miss that.” “You know, I haven’t kissed anyone since I last kissed you.” I rub the spot above my right eyebrow that is beginning to ache as we get into this again. “I feel like you have told me this.” “It’s true. You left traces of your lips on my own and I fear that I might wash it away if I try to wash you away and let people crawl inside me and build a home so it seems like I have a warmth inside me.” My stomach flips and I take a breath. “You’re tired. You need to sleep.” “I love you.” “Goodnight, Niall.” “Bye, baby.” I almost don’t hear him before I hang up. Ivy and Wren wake up before me, leaving the hotel to pick up a 'surprise’ for me. At least that’s what the text I woke up to said. I’m sitting in the hotel room alone until 2:30 when I decide to wander downstairs and outside. I walk in the blistering sun, my hat shielding my eyes from direct sunlight until I get to the Hard Rock Cafe. I walk up the stairs and to the cafe. I am looking at the signed guitars on the wall when a tap comes to my shoulder. “Um, are you Seventeen? The singer?” “Yeah.” I smile and she looks at one of the other waitresses and nods. “Would you mind playing a song for us?” “Oh, I don’t have my guitar.” “We have one, just go over there and we can bring it out.” I walk to the corner by the windows and stand next to the little stage they have, set with a chair and a microphone. A tall girl with an accent hands me a black acoustic guitar and I sit in the chair. “Um, hello. I am Seventeen. Uh, I wrote this song with my friend Luke on the last tour we did and yeah. This is Ghost.”

As soon as I start singing, the room becomes quiet. As soon as I’m done, everyone claps and I thank them.

They give me my fries for free. When I’m back downstairs and walk The Strip again, my phone vibrates in my pocket and I answer it without even looking at the caller ID. “I see you.” “You’re such a fucking freak.” “Come with me, my darling.” His voice comes from behind me rather than over the phone. I hang up and turn around. “Fine. But only because my friends ditched me.” “Aren’t we friends?” “No.” He shrugs and leads me across the street, over a bridge, down stairs, across another street, across another bridge, and through the parking lot of The Luxor. “So this is where you’re staying?” “Yep.” The hotel is a lot larger than it looks. I learned that when I saw that the rooms are only on the walls. while the middle is filled with little buildings. I also got that from having to walk to the opposite corner that we came in through to get to the elevator and then having to walk directly across from the elevator to the other side of the hotel to get to his room. I sit on his bed while he changes. “Where are the guys?” “There’s a show they wanted to see. Zumanity, I think it’s called. It’s the one with all the posters of naked people.” He shrugs. I shrug and glance out his angled window. He has a great view of Mandalay Bay. Once he’s changed, he tells me to follow him downstairs. I look over the edge, even on the 16th floor, some of the buildings almost reach up to where we are. In the elevator, we stand across from each other and I have a heart attack while the elevator moves sideways. “These get stuck a lot because if they don’t move the perfect ratio of down and over they get snagged on the side.” “Shut up.” He laughs and I throw my hat at him. “At you really going to waste all your money on that?”

He grins while I fold my arms and frown at him. “I might just win,” he says. The dealer starts handing out cards to each of the hungry eyes men and John making me roll my eyes. “Go try to win that car, then come back so you can see me win.” “Shut up.” I walk through several clouds of smoke from cigarettes and flavored hookah in my journey around the hotel. I walk up the escalators and to the second level. There’s buildings surrounding me, exhibits and recreations of Egyptian buildings with carvings on the sides. I pass The Chapel and arrive at the food court. There’s a LA Subs, McDonald’s, a chicken place I had never heard of and another burger place I have never seen before. I get in line for some chicken tenders and read over the menu. She Looks So Perfect starts playing and I smile, grabbing my phone to text Luke. But he’s already calling me. “Hey, how’s Vegas?” “Good. The Luxor is actually huge.” “Why are you at The Luxor?” I bite my tongue and shrug. “I told myself I was going to ride the elevator to the top of every hotel.” “That’s a weird promise to make but alright,” he mumbles, “did you go to The Hard Rock?” “I did, they recognized me.” “Really?” “Yep. Today when Wren and Ivy left me alone in the hotel alone and I wandered around The Strip and had lunch there. I got dragged into playing Ghost for everyone.” “Intense.” “Hold up,” I take the phone from my ear, ordering my 3 piece chicken tender meal. “Okay. I’m back.” I take the buzzer from the guy and sit in a booth while I wait for my food. “What are you doing?” “Getting food. There’s a food court in the hotel.” “That’s so cool, what the hell?” “I know, right?” “I should stay there when we come over there.” “Why would you come here?” “The iHeartRadio festival is the day after tomorrow.” “Wow, I totally forgot about that.” When my buzzer starts going crazy, I tell Luke I have to go. I take my white bag of food back to the casino downstairs and to the poker table where John is sitting. “Did you lose?”

He frowns at me and I start to laugh but he holds up a paper bag. “What is that.” “5 grand.” “How the fuck-” “I am charming, remember?” He walks past me and I stare at a slot machine. “How does that get you $5000?”

He shrugs and continues walking. I follow quickly behind him, still trying to figure out how he got so much money. “I’m going to win this car.” He stops walking, staring up at the car on the spinning pedestal. “Alright. Whatever.” “You’re going to help me.” “I don’t know how to play this.” “Press the button and hope for the best.” He sits me down beside him and inserts a $10 bill into both our machines. I frown. “I will help you but I won’t enjoy it.” He smiles. After emotionlessly my pressing the button to stop the spinning over and over, the machine prints out a ticket. “You can redeem $20.” “Thanks, baby.” He kisses my cheek and grabs my hand, pulling me with him. Past the exhibits, past the Egyptian statues, and out the front entrance. He doesn’t even let me ask where we are going before he opens the door of a cab and motions for me to get in. “What are you doing?” “Nothing.” It’s almost midnight, so not a lot of cars are driving around, but a shit ton of people are still walking around. We leave the main part of the strip and I frown, wondering where he’s taking me. He pulls my hat down over my eyes, telling me that I can’t look until he says so. I feel the car stop and Niall get out then open my door for me. He holds onto my arm, pulling me out of the cab and leading me up steps then down some steps before he sits me on a bench. “Stay.” I sit still on the bench, deciding to just go with it, and 3 minutes later he is grabbing me again. He holds into my elbow, guiding me to wherever. I hear the bell of an elevator and Niall pulls me inside. “Are we just at my hotel?” “Not quite.”

I frown, leaning against the wall. I can feel in my stomach that the elevator is moving but it seems too long. When my ears pop, I turn to where I know John is standing beside me. “Where the hell did you take me?” He laughs and I hear the door open again. He pulls off my hat as soon as we step off the elevator, and I look around. “No. No, no no no no.” I try to turn around but he grabs my waist, pulling me around to a booth next to the window. He sits across from me and smiles. “I’m going to pass out.” “Alright.” I frown at him and he returns a smile. “I’m afraid of heights.” “I read that in a magazine.” “Then why did you bring me here? To manipulate me when I’m 2 feet away from falling out a 108 story window?” “I thought we have a romantic dinner next to the stars.” “You’re an asshole.” “I’m sorry.” He stands up, walking to the counter and ordering us food. I glance out the window. Looking at the horizon doesn’t let it seem any closer to the ground. Curiosity gets the best of me and I lean over, glancing at the ground below us. I let out a small whimper, sitting up extra straight and away from the window. “Do you think the stars put us here to punish us?” He asks. I jump, not realizing he was back. “Or, maybe the stars are just stars and don’t have anything to do with what fucks up in our lives.” He doesn’t give me a chance to answer. “It doesn’t matter. I’m just glad I have you.” “You don’t have me.” “Well,” he pulls his sandwich out of its wrapper and glances up at me, “I wouldn’t mind if we collided with the sun then.” “That’s a bit morbid.”

“I lost everything when I lost you.” He shrugs and takes a bite of his sandwich. “You’re being a little bit of a bitch, you know that? You’re the one that left me. You’re the one that didn’t answer when I called.” “Because I’m a disgusting asshole that romanticized your voice and your voicemails. I didn’t want them to stop. I felt like if I answered, you would censor yourself and what came out of your mouth wouldn’t be as raw and honest.” “That’s not a good enough excuse.” He doesn’t answer, rather he just continues eating. “I was at your show.” “You keep saying that, but I don’t believe it. Nobody saw you there, you weren’t there.” “Yeah, I was. I stood in the back while you performed. Then I almost met you at your tour bus when all the girls had left, but I choked and you were already leaving with that guy.” “Sure.” “After everyone left, the drummer boy picked you up and you laughed when he carried you into the bus. The blond lead singer has a crush on you, you know.” “I know. He’s my boyfriend.” “Yeah, sure.” He laughs and wipes of mouth with the back of his wrist. I find it disgusting how gross he eats but I look back at his face. I almost stand up, but he grabs my arm. “You don’t want to ride the elevator back down alone, do you?”

I stay sitting, watching him eat. “I wrote a song about you,” he continues. “Fantastic.” I take a breath, realizing how bitchy I am being. “Sorry. I just feel like I’m going to pass out.” “It’s alright.” He shrugs, “Want some.” He holds his sandwich out to me and I take it. “I just want to make it better.” “Nothing can really make it better right now.”

He frowns and stares at me while I pick at his sandwich. “I know that if Luke and I find reasons to hate each other I will crawl back to you. Not now, obviously. But make me feel like I’m on fire and I like to taste the flames, I guess.” “That’s not healthy.” “Nothing about either of us is really all that healthy.” The next afternoon, Ivy and Wren still aren’t back from their night out, I assume they crashed out in some cheap motel instead of coming back here, and when I sit on the bed to watch TV, Niall’s name comes across my phone screen. I answer without hesitation. “Do you think I look like a furby?” He sounds distressed. Almost fidgety. “What the hell? Yes, yes you do.” “I just got a DM on Instagram about it. Who has that kind of time on their hands to realise this.” I can hear it in his voice that he’s walking around. I assume he’s alone in his hotel room because there’s no background noise. “They are doing god’s work, man.” I walk into the bathroom and put it on speaker. I wash my face while Niall talks about how he does not look like a furby and it’s insulting that someone would even think such a thing. “Niall.” “Yeah?” “You look like a furby.” “I know.” “I’m going to take a shower.” “Wait for me, I’ll join you.” “Shut up.” I hang up on him. After my shower, Ivy and Wren are back with a box. I sit on the bed and they watch me with grins on their faces. I pull out a black dress and I’m not sure what the occasion is but I thank them anyway. We decide that hanging out in our hotel room watching tv all the time is a waste of our stay here, so we decide to go out on The Strip. I sit on the bed spraying dry shampoo in my hair while they get dressed. There’s a knock on the door, it’s rushed and almost nervous. Wren tells me to get it, so I do. When I open the door, nobody is there. Rather a bouquet of pink roses. I bring it into the room and sit in the middle of the bed, grinning as I smell the flowers. I grab the card that’s sticking out the middle and read it to myself. “Baby doll, I finally got a chance to buy you those flowers.”

I know who they’re to and from as soon as I read the nickname. “Who are those from?” Ivy sits beside me and I quickly hide the card. “Probably just a fan.” I shrug and brush it off as if it’s nothing. She smiles, smelling them. “They definitely love you.” “Yeah, maybe.” When we return back to the room after our 2 hour, mile and a half, wondering of The Strip, we return with 2 bottles of Fireball and Viniq. The three of us lay around the room, drinking and drinking. “Sev,” Ivy slurs, “you are my best friend.” “Oh my god, Ivy. You’re my best friend too.” Her eyes fill with tears and she holds her hand over her mouth then her heart. “Dude, I love you.” “Bro, I love you too.” “You guys should- should get married.” Wren says, falling on the bed. “YOOOOOO YES!” The three of us stumble out of the hotel room, down to the lobby and into a cab. The driver is annoyed by the time we get out at the little chapel because the three of us were yelling the same line of Chapel Love the whole drive. Ivy treats the driver like a puppy and tells him to stay, pointing a drunken finger at him. He rolls his eyes and turns up his music which is our signal to run inside. The room is small, white chairs set up leading to an alter. “I wanna get married to my best friend right now.” Ivy slams her hand on the table, bringing the attention of the Elvis and a girl in a pencil skirt to us. “Alright, come on over.” After all of the paperwork is signed and in order, Ivy and I stand facing each other next to the man dressed up like Elvis while Wren sits in the front row sobbing. We say our dramatic “I do"s and our vows sound like "Ivy remember when you had green hair and I told you it looked good? I’m sorry I lied it didn’t look good” and “Sev, I’m sorry I smell like salsa so much I just really love salsa”. The three of us gather into a group hug, recruiting Elvis to join us. “Elvis, I never really liked your voice but tonight I learned you are a pretty cool guy.” I hug him again and he walks us to the cab. We have the cab driver take us through a McDonald’s drive thru to get ice cream cones to celebrate our marriage. “Sev, what are you going to do when what’s his name proposes?” Ivy asks, gasping at her ice cream. “I’ll be like oh no I’m married to Ivy and then we can live happily ever after.” “That’s so real dude.” “We are so real.” As promised, the Australians are knocking at our door at 10 the next morning. We all have raging headaches and drool all over our faces. I open the door, my eyes still closed and I know it’s them when they yell, engulfing me in a hug. “Hello, hi.” I pat their heads until they let me go when I walk back to the bed and lie down beside Ivy. “I heard you got married.” “What?” “You and Ivy got married?” “WHAT?” We both sit up and Ashton digs his phone out of his pocket. “There’s a Sugarscape article about it,” he says, “The Singer/Songwriter got eloped to her best friend, and Actress, Ivy- I have no idea how to pronounce her last name, last night in Las Vegas with their friend, Wren- what is with your friends and weird last names? It’s been reported that the trio was intoxicated beyond recognition and I doubt any of them will remember it tomorrow.” “Wow. Intense. Well is safe to say we don’t remember it.”

They laugh and Wren finally sits up. She looks through her phone for a second. “Oh, that makes sense.” We all gather around her phone and watch the video of Ivy and my drunken vows. We hang out in our hotel room for a while, then Ashton says he is tired and wants to take a nap and politely refuses when we I offer to kick Ivy off the bed she has to herself. “We’ll just pay the $30 to check in before 3.” “I don’t want to wait in a line, though.” Ashton rolls his eyes at Michael and frowns. “Fine. Come with me to drop off the bags and I’ll check in. You guys do whatever you want.” They agree, inviting me, Ivy and Wren to come walk around with them. “I need a shower.” I tell them. They tell me they’ll miss me and we should have dinner together when they’ve settled everything with the hotel. I agree. Then I am alone. I turn on the first playlist on iTunes Radio before I step into the polished stone tub. A Front Porch Step song plays while I submerge myself in the pink water. The water is hot, but I don’t mind it. I lay back and close my eyes, breathing in the cinnamon of the bath bomb. A slow acoustic guitar sounds through my speakers and I am about to reach for my phone when he starts singing. I sit still, almost frozen. I should change the song. Skip it and pretend I never heard it. But I keep listening. I miss hearing him sing and hearing him laugh. I do miss him. There’s a break in his voice and I slump back into the water. “You tied up your silver hair and left this town.” I stare at the ceiling, closing my eyes again. This is the song he was talking about. My body tingles and I don’t know if it’s from the scorching water or hearing Niall sing about me. When the song is over, the next song plays. As if nothing happened. Life goes on. I pull the plug and stand up, grabbing my towel off the rack. Since everyone left, I’ve found myself being lazy, not really even checking my phone. They’ve been gone for 4 hours and it took me 2 hours to even get into the bathroom. I have watched several episodes of Glee today, though. I dry my hair off with my towel as I walk into my bedroom, accepting the fact that I am alone. When I sit on the bed in just my underwear and sheer thigh high socks, my phone starts ringing. Luke’s contact photo covers my screen, a picture Michael sent to me when they got drunk. “Yes, Luke?” “I’m bored, are you busy?” “I mean, I just got out of the bath.” “Can I come over?” “Well, if you would like.” I decide to wait until he gets here to ask what happened to our friends. “Okay, I’m coming.” He hangs up and I scramble around my room in an attempt to find clothes before he shows up. I find my denim mini skirt halfway under the bed and my t shirt on the armchair by the window. Luke knocks as I’m tieing up my shirt. “We were in the m&m factory and they wandered off without me so I’ve been alone all day and there’s nothing to do when you’re alone in Vegas.” “I have been watching TV and bathing, that isn’t very fun.” “But it’s with you, so I’ll be fine.” we decide to go out together so I find my shoes and grab my wallet then we can leave. Luke rambles about an idea he had for new song while I press the button for the elevator. “Do you think it’s a good idea?” “Yeah, I can’t wait for the finished product.”

He smiles and I pull him into the elevator with me. We walk for a while, not stopping to go into any stores. It’s not as hot today, barely 80 degrees. “Oh, hey. Let’s go in there.” Luke points at a small shop in front of us. Touch Vinyl. My pase is that of a sloth compared to Luke’s eggerness. I follow him inside and as soon as I open the door a burst of cool air hits me. The front of the store is short aisles full of vinyls and the back is tall shelves filled with books. I see Luke standing in the farthest right vinyl aisle. “What are you looking at?” I grab the record out his his hands and frown. “You’re so in love with yourself.” I set down the Good Girls vinyl and pick up a Vampire Weekend one instead. “You’re so in love with Ezra.” “Fuck off.” He giggles and holds up a vinyl to me. It’s too close for him to be trying to show it to me, so I assume he’s doing something else. “What the hell are you doing?” “You’re Elvis.” “You’re an idiot.”

He puts it back and stands beside me, browsing the vinyls. I glance up for a second, seeing someone pass us out of the corner of my eye. It turned out to be an employee that walked past us but I got a glimpse of someone else. “Shit.” “What?” Luke looks at me and I look down, positioning my hair to cover my face. “Okay, don’t be mad.” “What did you do?” “I said you can’t be mad.” He sighs and looks at me. “I’m not mad. You know me, I’m too oblivious to be mad.” “Okay, you remember the magazine guy?” “Yeah, what about him?” “He’s right over there.” He glances into the corner where Niall and Harry are standing talking. “Why would I be mad about that?” I clear my throat quickly and mumble a response. “Well, funny story, I, um, maybe have told him that you’re my boyfriend.” “WHAT?” I reach up, covering his mouth and turning him so he’s facing me. His back is now to Niall and Harry and his body is covering me so they can’t recognize us if they were to look over here after Luke’s outburst. I glance around him and see that neither of them seem phased at all and I can breathe a little easier. “Okay, you need to chill,” I tell Luke. He takes a breath and looks down at me. “Yes, I have reached chill. But I’m sorry, what? I’m your boyfriend?” “I panicked. He was trying to get me to fall into his arms and love him eternally and I didn’t want to and he brought you up so I lied and said we are dating.” “How long ago was that?” “Uh, like 2 days ago?” “Do you think he thinks we are still together?” “It was 2 days ago, Luke. He kinda didn’t believe it in the first place, anyway.” “What? Why not?” “I don’t know? Because he’s possessive and thinks I can’t find anyone better than him. He thinks he’s god basically.” “Oh, really? But, baby,” he mumbles, grabbing my hips and pulling me to him, “we are the king and the queen. There is not God in the world we own.” “What the fuck?” I stare at him. He smiles down at me and I roll my eyes. “I don’t like you.” I hear Niall laugh and I hurry away between two bookshelves. I stand at the end of an aisle, texting Ivy what’s going on when I hear Luke. “Oh, shit. Sorry.” “It’s fine, dude.”

My stomach jumps into my throat and I round the corner. “Luke? Babe?” I call out and meander between the shelves. I pick up a book, flipping it over before deciding I want it. “Yeah? Where are you?”

I reach the end of the aisle I’m on and almost run into Luke. “Hi.” I smile up at him. “Hey, baby.” He leans down, kissing my nose and I look past him and right at Niall. “Oh, hi.” “So, you’ve been dating for like 10 minutes now? When’s the wedding?” John asks, licking his back teeth. “September, 17th.” Both Niall and I look at Luke when he says that. “Yeah?” “Yeah, in a meadow outside of Seattle.” “Wow, nothing stops you, huh, Sev?” “I’m out of control.” “Gotta love her though.” Luke wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer. “So, uh, you two know each other?” “Yeah, hung out a few times after you and I met. Before the tour,” I answer, looking at Niall but then glancing up at Luke. “Yep. Only then. This is the first time I have seen her since.” Niall stares right into me and I move farther into Luke’s chest. “Yeah?” Luke smiles down at me, then looks at Niall who looks beyond annoyed. “She ever talk about me?” Luke asks. Something about him is making Niall livid and I don’t think his arm around me while he chews gum is really keeping him calm by any means. Luke looks like the best asshole in the room and Niall hates that. “No, never. It’s like you didn’t even exist.” Niall’s sour tone goes straight over Luke’s head. Instead, he chuckles at his comment, resting his chin on top of my head and I can hear his smile when he starts talking again. “Well, she’s been the best year and a half of my life, really.” Luke takes the book out of my hands, holding it up with his arm still around me so he can read over the back. “Year and a half? When you were still into me?” “I got over you rather quickly. Assholes don’t hold much substance in me.” “Ouch,” he sucks his teeth. “My baby is such a bookworm,” Luke tells Niall, seeming like he wasn’t even present in the conversation, “don’t you wish you had a girl like mine?” Luke returns his arms around my neck, leaning down to plant a kiss to my cheek. I giggle, leaning into him. Niall stares at us, frowning. “Yeah.” “Anyone who treats her like anything less than a queen deserves an execution, French Revolution style, huh?” Luke laughs while I bite my cheek. Niall sucks in a breath and looks away. “Well, I better get going. Send me an invite to the wedding.” He walks off and starts talking to Harry. I turn around, leaning into Luke’s chest again. I look up at him and he’s leaning down to look at me, the sight is probably adorable. “Okay, so he is going to look back over here and we need to seem really in love.” He nods and I blink. “Luke, I’m going to need you to kiss me” “Now?” “No, not now. That would be too staged, ya know?” “Yeah, alright.” “Do it when he looks like he’s about to look over here and the moment seems right.” “Alright.” “Okay. Also, remind me to get to the store and buy shampoo and conditioner.” “Any specific kind?” “I like the creamy strawberry-” he cuts me off, cupping my jaw and smashing his lips into mine. It’s hurried at first, but we fall into a zone of comfort. “Nice. Good, alright.” Luke stands up straight and runs his hands through his hair. “Good?” “Yeah. I enjoyed it, did you?” “Yeah, 100%.” I nod and he looks around the room.

“Okay, yeah. Good. Let’s go.”

I grab his hand and we walk up to the counter. I pay for the book then hurry outside. “Don’t forget conditioner.” “Thanks, Luke. It’s been 3 minutes, I haven’t forgotten yet.” “True, sorry.” I call a cab, finally allowing us to make it to the grocery store and I make Luke push the cart around while I put stuff in it. “Do you really need all this dry shampoo?” He picks up one of the bottles and laughs. “I can’t wash my hair a lot or else it will fade to a gross green. Get with it.” He throws it back in and continues to follow me around the store. When we get back to my hotel room, he helps me put away all the groceries before we turn on the TV and realise we probably aren’t going to be doing much until dinner tonight. “Thanks for pretending to be my boyfriend.” “Thanks for letting me pretend I’m your boyfriend.” I smile at him and he winks. We are halfway through an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians when the door opens. Our whole missing group of friends walk in and Ivy sits at the end of the bed, staring at us. “Yeah?” “Would you care to explain to me why there’s photos and videos of you and Lucas making out in the middle of a library?” Everyone is sitting around the room, staring at us. I glance at Luke before I reply. “It was a record and book store.” “That’s not answering my question.” “He’s a good kisser I cannot stop that.” “Seventeen.” “Niall was there and I told him Luke was my boyfriend and we had to go with it.” “Well your faces are everywhere and your fans,” she points a shaky finger at Luke, “are going insane about the whole thing.” “Alright. We will lowkey clear it up.” “Okay. Good. Let’s get some dinner.” We all walk down to the lobby, stopping to take some pictures with some fans, then continue outside. A limo is waiting and as soon as we approach it, the valet opens the door for us. Ashton and I are the last to get in. I am squished between Luke and Ashton but I honestly don’t mind it. A James Bay song is playing quietly through the speakers while I look out my window, watching the cars a around us. Cold air blows on my knees and when Luke grabs my hand, I don’t feel cold. My heart doesn’t jump, rather it settles in my chest and I can easily breathe in the humid air.

Ashton and him talk about something but he keeps his thumb constantly running over the back of my hand. When the car stops, we get out and I laugh when I see that we took a limo to a Denny’s. Ivy and Ashton get us a table and everyone but Luke and I wait inside with them. “Ashton told me to make a girl fall in love with me I need to make her laugh.” “That’s some cute advice.” “Yeah, there’s just one problem.” “What?” “I’ve made you laugh countless times and all its done is make me fall more in love with you.” I look at him, thinking of what to say. To accurately bring my feelings towards him together. “You’re not in love with me, and it fucking tears me apart every time we do something like this,” he kicks a stray rock from the gravel behind us into the parking lot.

“Who said that?” “What?” “Who said I’m not in love with you?” “Are you?” I don’t answer, so he frowns. But he still leans into me and he still tangles his fingers in my hair. I pull away, pushing my hair behind my ear. “When do you go back to Sydney?” “Not sure.” He shrugs and I continue staring at my feet. I hear a shutter and I frown looking at Luke. “Did you take a picture of me?” “Yes.” “You’re an idiot, you know that.” “I know.” He smiles and I lightly push him. We both glance up at the sky and I take a deep breath. The air isn’t quite cold yet. “It takes 10 years for light from Sirius to get to us,” Luke says, glancing at me. “What?” “Yeah, it’s so far away it takes that long. Most- if not all- of the stars up there are dead or dying.” “And we don’t even know.” “We are barely aware.” Michael tells us that we are being seated and I follow him through the doors and to a corner booth. I order mozzarella sticks and a pink lemonade, laughing at Michael’s jokes. Everything is muted to me for a while. The world moves in fast forward, but I still find myself able to enjoy every minute. We drop the guys off at their hotel and as soon as we are back at our own, I get a goodnight text from both Luke and John. One is more sarcastic than the other.

The iHeartRadio music festival is today and the guys invite us as ¾ of their plus one guests. We sit in their dressing room though all of the sound checks and when the performances are about to start, we stand on the side of the stage to watch. When they get on to perform, we cheer louder for them than anyone else. I get struck with a sadness, missing our tour. The beginning of it all. At the beginning, I was head over heels in love with John. I guess beginnings and ends are similar, because that night I find myself walking to John’s hotel. I am shaking in the elevator but I ignore it. I want to see him. I want to feel the rush of being with him. The excitement of toying with him. He is my guilty pleasure. I won’t let myself be deprived no matter how bad it is for me.

But people don’t change. Situations change. Views change. Personalities don’t. A boy with a pretty face and flowers growing in his teeth will spit seeds down your throat and from that will grow roses and lilies and dahlias and hydrangeas that will wrap their roots around your veins. That pretty boy will water them with pretty words whispered into your neck and soft touches when the sun rises. As those flowers grow, they make their way into your rib cage and you feel as though your lungs will collapse and they’ll burst through your skin but they don’t. Eventually those flowers will fill you and your fingers and toes will be taken over by irises and each moment is passing by like a highway 70 miles an hour with your windows down. Those pretty boy will make you feel special. That’s his game. He spits beautiful words down every girl he gets his hands on that can make his dead eyes glow.

I walk down the hallway of floor he’s staying on, fixing my hair to cover the tulips I feel running down my spine. Turning the corner, I see them. They’re 4 doors down and in plain sight. She’s up against the wall and his hands are all over her, her hands in his hair. I hear him call her beautiful and I can taste the cherry blossoms in my teeth begin to wilt. The door behind them opens and I watch curly brown hair walk out. He looks at me and when our eyes meet, it seems to lock me in place. He taps on Niall’s shoulder which earns a fuck off from him. After the third tap, he looks at Harry who points to me. As soon as I start to see him turn to me, I turn around and run. “Seventeen! Wait!” I hear his heavy steps behind me. I get to the elevator when he is rounding the corner. I keep hitting the button until the doors open and I slide in. I hit the close doors button as Niall gets closer. They cut him off just in time. I hit the lobby button and stand in the comer, too numb to react. When the doors open again, I stumble out and see the doors to the stairs fly open. I run as fast as I can, but his legs are longer. “Stop.” He isn’t anywhere near loud, I doubt anyone actually knows what’s going on right now. “What?” I violently wipe the off my cheeks “Look at me, baby.” He leans down, holding my face between his hands. His voice is shaking almost as much as his hands. “Baby, please. I’m sorry, oh my god.” “Then why do you keep doing it? If you’re so fucking sorry all the time?” “I don’t know. I’m a fucking asshole and an idiot, but I need you. You’re my favorite color, baby,” he mumbles, touching my hair, “I honestly think I’m in love with you.” “If you’re so fucking in love then why the hell are you trying to fuck everyone and everything with a pulse?” I scream at him. “I’m sorry! Okay? I can’t say anything else but I’m sorry and I need you. I need you, Seventeen. Please.” He starts out yelling but he calms down to his inside voice. He keeps pulling me back into him and I keep pushing him away. We are both crying now. He’s afraid he’s going to lose me and I just watched him spit down a showgirls throat.

A photograph has a deeper meaning than shallow words. It could tell you a story in a minute with silence and clarity while it would take sweaty palms, a scrambled mind, a dry mouth and a hole in your stomach to explain how completely and utterly in love you are with someone.

I’ve always been infatuated with the idea of it- photography. I would never have to speak to express how I feel, I can make people think about what was going on in my mind when I created a masterpiece. The perfect lighting, the perfect centerpiece? Beauty is born. I like beauty. I don’t enjoy looking at things that aren’t beautiful, I fill my home with beautiful things. I have a beautiful black couch and beautiful photographs hanging on all my walls. I have a beautiful crystal chandler in my foyer and astonishingly beautiful marble floors. My shower is beautiful white marble and glass, my bed? A red and black Egyptian cotton sheet and comforter set. The most beautiful and expensive kind out there. Beauty is just so enticing. It keeps people interested, everyone loves to look at beautiful things. It’s human nature to be drawn to attractive things, so I don’t see why it’s seen as bad to do so. Beauty sells. Beauty made me a millionaire.  I guess I don’t appreciate what I have? Whatever. My success isn’t a blessing from god, it’s my hard work and pure talent. It just helps that I’m beautiful. My father, the one who steered my success to the top, says that I’m taking advantage of my talents and gifts.  “You could use your knowledge to help people!” He said. No. Why would I do that?  “C’mon, son. Just a semester, it’s extra money for practically doing nothing! They already agreed to you doing it!” So 3 hours and a long talk with my small mother later, I gave in. How could I say no to the 5’0 strongly Irish woman who gave me life? I may be an asshole, but I’m a huge mama’s boy. Whenever my parents would fight, I would make sure to help my mom in the kitchen and make her happy even though I detest dishes. I have always preferred her over my father, she was the better parent.  “Niall James Horan. You could help a lot of people by doing this! And you need to learn how to interact with actual people without being so mean! I didn’t ask for a bitter son!”  She is just amazing at making me feel guilty about things I normally don’t feel guilty about.  So now I stand in the parking lot of NYU just staring at it. Why did I agree to this? I’m going to be surrounded with people who aren’t beautiful. I won’t have the perfect lighting in some dull lecturing hall. I might as well just sit in the street and wait for a taxi to run me over because that would be a lot less torturous and painful than this. But alas I start to walk. My hands start to shake as I carry my stuff inside. Earlier this morning, I received a call. They explained the job to me and asked me to come in today with all my stuff and just go to my class which is in the Visual Arts Building. Third floor, room VA309.Nice.  I open the door and look around. My left hand twitches when I see it. It’s set up like a normal classroom. 2 of 4 walls are huge windows with just cheap white blinds and no curtains. The sunlight seeps in through the cracks and illuminates the room in a way that makes me feel lighter. My stomach fills with butterflies and I pull out my camera and get the perfect angle before capturing the moment and admiring my work then heading to the front of the room where a dark wooden desk sits. The rolling chair is obviously $30 from Target and it just won’t do. I need my $1200 chair imported from Greece, my ass and back don’t deserve such poor treatment.  “Are you the new teacher?” I look up and almost burst into tears. In the doorway stands an awkward looking woman in bell bottom jeans and a loose shirt with her hair in a bun and thick black glasses on her nose. I resist the urge to say something rude and reluctantly nod. I need more money, I can’t get fired on my first day by telling someone how unattractive they are even if it is the truth. I can save the truth for another day.  “Okay.” She grins. “Staring today you will have a class at 11:00am sharp, it should end at 12:30 but can run longer. Enjoy, they should arrive any minute.” Shes trying to sound cute, I can tell. She’s twirling the hair that fell from her bun as she speaks and bites her lip, if only she knew she wasn’t up to my standard.  She was right though, because 2 minutes after she leaves, a group of students walk in and sit down. I don’t know what to do so I spin around in the ugly uncomfortable chair as I text my curator about a new exhibit. When I look at the time again, it’s 11:05. I stand up and look at the class, there’s a few people with potential. I can see a few girls whispering to each other and then looking at me as they nod and giggle. I smirk, leaning against the desk. At least some people recognize my beauty.  “Okay. I’m the new photography professor, Mr. Horan.I guess I can answer any questions you have.”  I call on a few people and they ask if I’m single and if I’m a virgin which I mean okay does it look like I’m the type to stay in a faithful committed relationship where we pray to our almighty God to be forgiven of the sin that is being horny? Come on people, use your brains.  “Are you that rich photographer?” “Yes, I am. Have you seen my work?” I stand up taller and cross my arms across my chest looking at the girl who spoke. “No. My mom hates you.” My eyebrows knit together and I frown. Whatever. “Alright then, it looks like our time is up! Leave.”

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These children don’t know shit. They’re just uneducated, what they say doesn’t affect me one bit. It’s not my fault people hate me because I’m better than them.  They don’t understand photography like I do. They think of it as getting behind a camera and bam there it is. No, I understand that it’s work. It’s effort. You have to work for a perfect photograph. You have to work for things to be perfect. Perfection doesn’t just happen.  My apartment is dimly lit as I slip on my leather Saint Laurent shoes and pull a mustard colored scarf off the hook by the door. I lock the door and take the elevator to the lobby. The waterfall that flows between two large slabs of glass in the middle of the room is still flowing gold colored water from the ceiling to the floor despite it being almost 1am.  “Hello, Mr. Horan.” The manager of the penthouses smiles walking towards me. I have yet to remember his name which, I honestly don’t really care. He’s just here to keep people like me happy and under control. He’s a small old man with a moustache, probably about 5’6 and around 45 years old. He isn’t beautiful. “Go get my Lamborghini.” He smiles taking my keys, nodding and hurrying off. His loyalty keeps me comfortable. I can rely on him for all of my needs, I admit that I have sent him to the store several times and he’s my go to man when I need 12am tacos from the Taco Bell down the street. I scroll through my email deleting the unimportant messages until I hear the purr of my beautiful car. I wink at my reflection in the sleek black polish of the hood before tipping the manager and getting in the drivers seat.

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Beauty is safety. Beauty protects you from basic struggles, any beautiful person could get a steady income, nobody wants to hurt a pretty face. There’s always that line that makes everyone’s hearts go soft, “you’re too beautiful to be hurt/be sad/blah blah blah”. If you can create something beautiful, you will get a blanket wrapped around your shoulders to keep you safe from the world. Someone will defend your every move, people will go to endless places to defend what they love.