I can’t hold it back anymore.
I need to get these thoughts and feelings out and my fears and doubts aren’t helping this situation as I type this and my anxiety is increasing cause I feel like ppl are going to read this and think differently from what I actually meant.
Anyway, I have athazagoraphobia(the fear of being forgotten/abandoned), atelophobia(the fear of not being good enough), and proditiophobia(the fear of betrayal), just to name a few (not to mention I have a ton of self-worth & self-love issues), mix together to become my ultimate fear.
And it’s not about just Jack not noticing me, it’s also about the well-known blogs not noticing me too. I know I’m not supposed to put people on pedestals but I can’t help it, especially when I feel like I’m worthless and not good enough for anyone. So on that topic, I feel like as though the rest of the community loves them more than me and I accept that in a bad way. I’m always the one that gets left behind and I’m fine with that in a bad way.
I want to have that PMA. I want to spread that PMA. But how am I supposed to do that when I’m a bad apple? I don’t want to bring anyone down with me because they don’t need that so I keep to myself. I’ve done it for almost five years, what’s another year going to do?
I don’t want to seem like I’m seeking out attention because of this post or make people feel bad for me, I don’t want that! I just want these negative feels gone! And i’m sorry if it seems like that.
Don’t think of me any different when I say this, please.
So I’m thinking the best option is to slowly disappear and watch from afar. It’s what I’m good at anyway…