#nighttt

(mentions of temporary eating issues (not eating disorder) and difficult mental state)

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Another issue is that I've lately felt absolutely SUPER anxious hanging out with people. I guess I'm alright once I'm there, but before I get there I feel super ill and idk what is wrong with me. Like I've had breakdowns, crying, days before/the day I'm going out with people I haven't met in a while, or literally anyone.

For example, I went to Cyprus a couple weeks ago, and I was going with my brother, his son and my brothers mom, and I hadn't met them in like 2 years probably, and this trip had been planned for over a year, so it didn't exactly come as a surprise obviously.

But anyways, a day/couple days before my trip, I was feeling the absolute worst feeling I've felt. Or, it was sort of built up. Okay, lemme break it down.

So this feeling started a few weeks before school ended. My finals were over, I had "only" a couple concerts left to perform on, and I was still waiting on results on a couple of my finals. I think it STARTED started the day I was getting my English final result back. I came to school, I was fine that morning and on the way there, but almost instantly as I stepped inside my school I felt this sort of nauseous feeling? I felt terrible. See, I have astma, so I thought it was just my astma acting up, so I stepped out of my classroom and went to the bathroom to use my inhalator and to call my mom, cuz I was scared as hell, cuz it felt worse than I'd probably ever felt before. She didn't pick up, so I took a few deep breaths, trying to convince myself it was all in my head (because I had both English results, AND rehearsals for my concert that day, so I figured it was just nerves), so I went back into the classroom. I did not exactly feel any better though. So, my mom eventually called back and I spoke to her for a lil while. She suggested I talked to my English teacher abt it, because she's also my mentor and she's awesome. I said alright and went to go speak with her. So I did, and I also got my finals results back at the same time (got an A on the writing part, pro ik /j... We don't need to talk abt the other parts, they're not important), so, she also figured it was nerves, so she gave me a glass of water and I went back inside.

However, the feeling didn't really stop after that. The actual concerts were the days after that, and they went really well imo (the guy I'm seeing was on the first one, ihh he's so sweet), so after they were done I thought "okay, I'm sure the worst is over". But THEN I remembered "oh crap, I have another concert next week". I felt absolutely horrible before that one. The days before that I felt this awful feeling, like something literally was inside my head filling up all its space, I felt like I couldn't see clearly even tho I could see everything if that makes sense, and I'd felt like that a couple days before Sunday, which was when it both went downhill and uphill. So I was with my mom to church cuz I don't remember, (either she wanted me to or I did, I'm not sure), and before it started she was helping out in the kitchen and stuff, and I was sitting on a couch, feeling absolutely terrible. My head felt so full, I didn't want anyone speaking to me, and after a while when my mom walked up to me, I was on the verge of tears. When I saw her walk up, my eyes started watering more than they've done in years probably, it was like something pushed water/tears I've for so long kept inside out of my eyelids. She saw it and came to hug me, and I just started bawling my eyes out. See, I almost never cry, I barely ever cry, so this was strange for me. Mom was like "there there, it's okay, let it all out. It's okay". I think she knew what I was keeping inside of me that even I wasn't aware of. I cried for a while, then when I stopped, the heavyness in my head was way lighter, I could finally see ish normally again. Such a temporary relief.

Okay, the last concert day. It went well, but I asked my teacher to let one of the other people that I sang a song with to take over my solo part, cuz I was just feeling too unwell. That's when the feeling I had for a long time started. I had trouble eating, I felt sad and teary pretty often (before an event of any social sort), I was unhappy ig. I did not feel like singing. I was there however on the rehearsal before people at the school came to watch/listen, and I sang my part, played my part on the piano, and it went well. My friend said it went super well. But then I felt like "okay, no, I can't do it infront of people. I just can't." So I asked my teacher that thing, and he said it was sad for me, but he asked her and she said alright. He did however ask me if I could still play the piano on the song I play the piano on cuz they didn't have anyone to fill in for that, so I said sure. That went well so yeah.

Okay so after that thing I didn't really feel much better. I went home, had the same feeling. A mix of some sort of anxiety and guilt because I didn't sing my part. But there was also this underlying fear that I'd fail my maths exam/final. My absolute last math test ever unless I failed, and I was terrified I was gonna fail. I'd never failed before, but yk, there's always a risk. When the results eventually did come, I waited for my mom to come home from work so I could see my result with her. I grabbed her hand and opened it.... I PASSED! I was so relieved, I even got more points than my friends did (not to brag or anything), I felt a temporary relief. I thought that was the end of it. But ig it wasn't...

The feeling came back. This was a day/couple days before my trip to Cyprus. I was going to my brother's the day before the trip cuz it takes a few hours to get to the airport. I was sitting with my mom (yes mom is with me in everything alr, sue me) in the kitchen, we were eating I think... I managed to eat a few dumplings without any problems before my brain started thinking. I lost my appetite, and I felt this sadness/heavyness again. My mom and I talked for a minute before I started crying again. I broke down again. She came to sit beside me, tried to get me to tell her what's wrong. I've never been great at identifying my feelings, but I tried my best. She asked if I wanted to speak to her sister (my aunt), cuz she's been traveling and has been awfully nervous abt it. I also spoke to my grandma, she told me abt my aunt's incidents, that she's felt certain ways/similar ways to what I did.

Like I mentioned before, I hadn't had a great appetite for quite some time, and I asked them abt it if that had something to do with nervousness, and they said it absolutely could have to do with that and that it's normal. I was scared I was gonna have a bad appetite in Cyprus, cuz I was in a new country with people I haven't seen/been with for like 2 years, but that thing got sorted out after a few days of being there, so that thing definitely had to do with nerves for the trip, so yay for that.

I think also I was nervous abt the flight even tho I didn't wanna admit it to myself even. But that went well so slay.

I ended school a couple days before I was going to my brother's, and that school-end-day was not fun. I was feeling horrendous, did not want to be there, did not want to talk to anyone or anyone to talk to me, but I didn't exactly have a choice. I walked into the classroom we were gonna be in before we went to a big room where the real "ending whatever" was gonna take place, and I saw cakes. I was like "okay, no, no, I can't do this", but I did walk in there, tried not to look at the cakes cuz I did not want to feel worse than I already did. When it was my turn to take cake eventually, I didn't rly (I don't even like cake that much normally either), I took half a strawberry that somebody left behind on the plate, and some water with a straw. I ate that, went down so that's good. We went to the big room after like an hour, were there for like an hour, then we got to go home. I took a picture with my friendgroup (my pookiessss) and then I left.

Now, where I'm at rn. I am doing well with food, not rly a big problem there. But where I'm not doing well however is with people. I am comfortable with my mom, I love being with her. But like I mentioned before, I feel super anxious being around other people. So I was super nervous about starting my summer job. So far there's been no problems, they're rly cool and I've felt okay! Then this weekend I went to a camping site with my childhood friends that we normally go to every summer, and I once again had a breakdown over that. A similar feeling to what I had before going to Cyprus. But once I got there, got settled, I felt fine again. Then a couple days ago a pretty close friend of mine had her birthday, and me and our friends were going to celebrate her. But of COURSE I got sick, so I couldn't join. I felt bad cuz I haven't hung out with them in so so long, but there wasn't rly much I could do about it. But I felt pretty anxious to go to that too, so idk. Mixed feltbad-ness and relief ig...

And now with this guy... I think I want to hang out with him deep down, I just have this same feeling about that too. I feel pretty ill thinking about being with him. Not that I don't like him, I do like him he's super chill and so kind, but yeah, I just have a similar feeling to that as to the others. Idk what this is, man.

I did read on Google that this could have something to do with the thought that people are "expecting" things from you when you're with them or something (can't remember exactly), social anxiety, bad experience of past friendships/relationships. The thing is tho, I don't. I've never had social anxiety before and not rly have had bad experiences with friendships. It could be about the thought that people expect stuff from me when I'm with them, and that's why I feel like this... I have no idea why tho, cuz I've never felt like that before.