how to pretend
on monday, i decided that i quit!
for whatever reason, i've been real down in the dumps this month. no motivation, no desires, nothing. just self-oblivion. gave my impulses everything they wanted, blah blah blah
above all else, i've been racking my brain. see, i'm objectively better than i used to be in every way. i'm fresher, i'm funnier, i'm healthier, i'm wiser, i'm better looking, i'm kinder, i'm friendlier, and my music is way, way, way better. still not happy, still hate myself deep down. what gives?
one day, it really gets to me. i schedule a release, send the presave link, drop the tracklist, all that. and a couple hours later, i wonder if i even want to do this anymore. actually, it's gnawing at me. actually, every nerve in my body's on fire. so i hop into my announcement channel, smash a bunch of keys, and stare at my alter ego's casket for the next twenty minutes knowing that once i hit send, i can't and won't take it back.
then i do it anyway and stare at the message for another ten minutes. get up, do a lap around the house, hit the can, come back, read it again, fall to my knees, clutch my stomach, and think. did i really just do it? i've been this dude for the last fucking eight years. at this point, i've spent two years wanting to change my name, wanting to leave lando, these people, places, and faces behind, and i've finally committed to it. finally. i'm free
but it's bigger than lando. i kept digging deeper and deeper until i reached the ugly truth at the bottom of the spiral: in my twenty-two laps around the sun, i've never put more effort into anything than being lando senju. chasing my old self's ghost was never, ever a way back to fulfillment or self-actualization. i didn't wander off the path and get lost, i just fucking grew and refused to accept it because
i'm still afraid of change.
those four walls of fear keeping me hostage? they expanded. moved so, so far out of my view that eventually i forgot i was even in the room. i fucked around, gained some confidence, and forgot that i've been here all along.
dude, when i tell you this realization made everything click into place. everything plaguing me comes back to that fear. i was afraid to change. i was afraid of seeing a me i can't recognize in the mirror. terrified my way of life and habits would change. the people around me. the ceiling i wake up to. but is that really so fucking bad?! it's not like i like this any better, i just tolerate the fucking comfort of it all because
i'm still afraid of change.
i've finally remembered that i am the one controlling the character, not the other way around. i can't say i regret being him, but i'm never going back and i'm finally, finally done pretending i can.
still, lando did a lot for me. the way the nerves melt away the second i hit the stage and grab the mic. i know how to thrive under pressure now. all the friends i've made and lost. the fulfillment, the ambition, the community. countless fun times! the money was pretty clutch sometimes too. i appreciate it all! and thanks to lando, i can move on from being him knowing that i can and will be better this time.
...but before we move on, we got one last project to drop. no, album. i usually avoid calling my projects "albums" but this is the one. it's a skeleton right now, so i guess i'll keep all that talk to myself until i'm deeper into making it. until then, i'm trynna run up the streams, run up the community events, and be in your face all the time. this is going to be the most "lando senju" lando senju album i will ever make and every one of you reading this will be part of it by virtue of being part of me.
i know it's selfish, but this is my story. now i'm workin on the ending. in conclusion,
(lucy bedroque - how to pretend)
