#nicos thoughts

On saturday, you ring Minho's bell at exactly 10.13 am, as he tells you, that you are three minutes late, which you argue, was the bus' fault, and not yours. But you are lucky he is in a good mood and lets you in.

It would have been quite uncomfortable to stand outside on a november day, and despite wearing a hoodie and sweats you started to freeze on your way from the bus station to Minho's apartment.

You squeeze yourself past him, and kick off your shoes. Then you shuffle inside, to greet Sooni, Dori and Doongi, not sparing Minho a second look, because if you believe his words, the cats had missed you more.

You plop yourself on the floor, and Dori is the first one to come around, immediately jumping in your lap and closing her eyes while you pet her fur. Occasionally you can hear a purring sound coming from her, but other than that you are pretty sure she is sleeping.

After a while Sooni tries to also lie on your lap, but Dori doesn't want to share, so you try and keep her happy, with petting her too, while Doongi just came for a quick greeting and then goes back to her little cat tent.

It was just then, that the thought crossed your mind, that Minho had to be around somewhere.

"I completely forgot to ask you how you are, Minho. Sorry, but now, hello, and how are you?" You turn your head slightly to see him standing in the doorframe, also in sweats, and a plain shirt. With your head you gesture him to sit down on the floor too, since you have no free hand. He follows through and sits down opposite of you, so that you are both facing eachother. "'m fine. How was your week?" "Fine actually, but now it's even better."

He raises an eyebrow. "Your cats are comforting me, it makes my whole week, and the thought that they missed me, makes it even better." You explain, trying to get a reaction out of him, and getting him to admit, he missed you too.

But the reaction is still missing. Instead he just nods.

You spend at least half an hour sitting there in silence and petting the cats, when Minho suddenly gets up. Surprised, you look up at him, to see him frowning, while walking around you, to go to the kitchen. "Wanna have a coffee? With cookies?" You hear him ask from the kitchen. "You're asking me?" "Of course, who would I ask else? Dori?" He huffs out.

You get the slightest feeling, that he is in a bad mood, and if you didn't know him better, you'd say, he's jealous of Dori, because she's still laying in your lap, like a queen.

"Sure, coffee and cookies sound good." You smile to yourself at the thought of coffee.

A few minutes later Minho enters the living room with two cups of coffee in one hand and a plate full of cookies in the other. He sets them down on a little coffee table and carries it way over, to where you are sitting.

"Thank you." You say to him, gratefully. He just nods, since he is too busy already sipping his coffee.

You try to maneuver Dori out of your lap, but once you put her down on the floor, she is back on your lap in a matter of seconds. No matter how often you try to put her off, she comes back again, and it makes you laugh, while Minho looks quite annoyed, and tells her repeatedly to get off of you.

It all makes you laugh even more. "You know, you can let her stay on my lap, its not like she's too heavy or anything." You say while taking your first bite of a cookie. "Hmm, delicious." You hum in acknowlegement.

And there is the silence again. The silence in which you both eat your cookies and sip your coffees.

After the coffee and cookies you stand up for the first time since you got to Minho's place, much to Dori's dislike. But this time you want to bring the plate and cups to the kitchen, so that Minho doesn't have to do all the work alone. When you get back to the living room, you hear Minho mumble something, but you pay it no second thought, and once you enter the room you burst out laughing, because the view is just hilarious.

Minho has his index finger raised, and seemed to try to tell Dori something important, while she just licked her paws and paid no attention to the male in fron of her.

The second Minho hears you laugh he turns around so quick, you think he wanted to do a pirouette. "What were you telling my poor Dori, huh?" You ask him while walking to said cat and picking her up.

At your action he frowns and pouts slightly.

"So she's 'your' Dori now? And what is with me? You came over to MY place, to hang out with ME." He blurts out and that makes you laugh again.

But you decide you want to tease him a bit longer, so you say: "Aw, my poor Mihno, have I made you feel neglected today? But I thought your cats were the only ones who missed me."

"You're really gonna make me say it?" He sighs. "Make you say what?" You ask feigning innocence. "That I missed you, even more that Dori, okay?"

"Now I'm good. That's what I wanted to hear." You grin at him and he rolls his eyes as answer. "You made me say it, now come on, I need my affection too. you can't spend it all on my cats."

You comply without saying anything, putting Dori away, while you make yourself comfortable with your back leaning against the couch. Then you pet your lap.

Both Dori and Minho took it as an invitation, and attempted to make themselves comfortable on your lap. But Dori did not, like that Minho was faster and decides, to hit him with her paw. Unfortunately she has her claws out, so that she scratches him lightly on his cheek. The sensation makes Minho hiss, while you gently push the cat away.

"Are you okay? Or do I need to kiss it better?" You ask him. "Kiss please." Minho mumbles barely audible. "Okay, where does it hurt the most?" You decide not to tease him this time, not when he is hurt.

"Here." He says, pointing to his lips and you laugh. "Sneaky." "No she hurt me there. Need you to kiss it better." Even though you know Dori's claws hit Minho's cheek, and not his mouth you don't say anything but lean down to kiss his lips.

When you pull away he whines lightly at the loss of contact but as soon as you start to pepper feather light kisses on his face he just sighs.

Once you are done, with the procedure, you kiss him again on the lips, before you maneuver him from your lap to lay down on the couch and pat the space next to you.

"C'mon. Let's cuddle. I'll shower you with all my affection, so you never need to be jealous of your cat again."

Minho is laying next to you within a second, enclosing his arms around you, and embracing you with warmth. You throw your arms around his neck and kiss his cheek, before he moves to lays his head on your chest and you nuzzle your nose in his hair.

"You know that it has been just three months right? And I've just been saying no, because-" "You don't want me to braid your hair?" You interrupt him. "No, but because I want your braids to stay longer than just ten minutes in my hair. And my hair has just been too short."

These were words you heard a lot in these past three months. It was either that his hair was too short, or he had to color it, so it would be the pretty blonde you liked so much.

"Those words are just excuses. Just tell me, you don't actually want me to braid your hair and I'm just annoying you right now." You huff.

"Oh hell no! You know how much I like your hands in my hair, but-" He looks away sheepishly and you could swear you just saw a slight tint of red on his cheeks. "But what Felix? I wanna hear it." you say much softer now, careful not to get him even more flustered, even though you have to admit, that he looks pretty with that hue of pink on his cheeks.

"No, it doesn't make any sense." He whines. You take his chin in your hand and softly force him to look in your direction. "I don't care if it makes any sense, hell, most things don't make sense to me. But, please, try to explain."

"But you could be mad at me." "You know, that no one can stay mad at you long enough, right?" "But it'll ruin everything."

"You, Lee Felix, cannot ruin anything, if anything, you always put the pieces back together." You assure him.

It is kind of good that you're both sitting on the couch already, because Felix decides to just dive head first into a pile of pillows, and if you weren't sitting close to it, you couldn't have stopped him from falling off the couch, because he aimed a bit too right to completely hit the pillows. "Ugh Felix, you really need to work on your aiming skills." As an answer he just grumbles.

"So care to tell me now? You know I could help you sort it out." You suggest. "No, this cannot be sorted out. This is a world's doomsday." "Dramatic much?" You chuckle. "I don't even know what it is about but I can already say, that it's not that that bad, you seem to be just exaggerating."

"No I'm not." He argues back and you sit up straight. "Then tell me please. I don't like seeing you worked up that much. And it really has to bother you, like a lot. So come on, you know that talking can help."

"Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you" He grumbles and sits up, but avoids your eyes.

"So like, I- uhm, I like you." He blurts out. "What a relief" "No, not like that. I like you romantically, I think, but I was too afraid to tell you, because I think it would ruin our friendship, if one of us catches feelings."

"So just to be clear, you think that, if one of us catches feelings our friendship slash relatioship-bond we have would get destroyed?" He nods hesitantly. And. you can't help but laugh, while he just looks at you with an eyebrow raised and that questioning look on this face.

Once you manage to get control over your breath again you grin at him and say: "Well then, if catching feelings would ruin anything, I kinda got that covered already."

If possible, Felix's eyebrow wanders even higher up. "I like you too silly." You explain to him.

And now he let's out a shaky breath. "But, but, why? Aren't I too feminine for a guy, or weird, and, and-"

"Hey, hey, listen to me. Being too feminine or too masculine is just a thing society uses to explain itself to others, who don't understand, that there are no such things, and that it is just more complex than some primitive minds, who just can't wrap their minds around the fact that there isn't just black and white but there are so many shades of grey and other colors too. And a person isn't too much of anything. A person should be allowed to just be themselves."

You end your little speech, feeling proud of your choice of words, and when you look at Felix, you have to blink a few times, to see, if you just imagined the little hearts in his eyes, or if they were really there.

"God that really makes me want to kiss you right now." Felix says without thinking. You smile but feel your face heat up at his words, so you hide it in your hands and just slightly peek through your fingers. Just to see him smiling back. "Can I? I mean can I kiss you? Do I have permission?" He asks while he removes your hands from your face, and you nod sheepishly.

And then you feel his lips against yours, at first just a soft and light touch, almost, as if it was an illusion. But then he takes your cheeks in his palms and angles his mouth. The first few moments, you don't know what to do, then you try and kiss him back. You move your lips in sync and your hands, that seemed lost on your sides find themselves entangled in Felix's hair, occasionally tugging lightly.

When you both have to break apart to take a few breaths again you lean your foreheads together and it feels even more intimate that the kiss you shared just a moment before.

"So does that mean, that I can be your boyfriend now?" He asks you while looking at you with these puppy eyes you just can't say no to.

"Yes Felix. It means that you can be my boyfriend. But only under one condition." "Everything" He answers almost instantly. "I finally get to braid your hair." You smirk triumphantly. "Yes, you can braid my hair." He grins at you. "I actually would love to have you braid my hair."

That's how you end up, sitting on the couch with legs spread, and Felix sitting on the floor in between them while hugging a pillow and enjoying the feeling of having your hands in his hair.

The distant sound of some TV-Show playing, adds to the domestic feeling, while you two are just talking about anything that comes to your minds.

Taking three little strands at a time, you start waving them together, until the three strands make one. You then grab a little hair tie to stop the hair from entangling itself from the braid. After that you repeat the process two times.

In the end, Felix has a total of three simple and little braids in his hair, two on each side of his hair, and one that can only be seen if he tucks his hair behind his ear.

For your good work with his hair he rewards you with lots of kisses and cuddles.

And when he gets on stage a week after you braided his hair, you spot these little braids, that he still carries with him.

But you weren't the only one who spotted them. Because on some gossip pages, you found posts about his little braids. 'Lee Felix, member of Stray Kids has been spotted with little braids, he seems to worship very much. Does he have an anonymus partner, no one knows about yet?'

---------------------------------------------

That has been your days recently. Stand up, go to work, snack a little, go home, shower and sleep or stare at walls in your apartment.

All because of some damn secret, you weren't sure, you could share with the team just yet. Even though you have been paired with the squad since two and a half years now.

The right moment was just never in reach for you to tell them. You wanted to, but how should you have done it?

'Hey guys. You know, I just wanted to tell you I'm Transgender. I hope this doesn't change anything between us.'

Because it would change everything. But lately it has eaten you alive, to keep that from your friends, hell your family. Because they mattered to you. Especially Luca.

He was always there, lending you an ear or giving you advice when you were a cadet training in the academy. Even back then you had a little crush on him, but you were sure it would pass with time.

Oh Boy, how wrong you were. That little crush you had was nothing compared to the simping you'd do whenever you could.

And he was asking you more frequently lately, if everything was okay, but you just shrugged him off, saying everything was fine. You didn't want to burden anyone with these problems of yours.

Fingers snapping in front of your face got you out of your thoughts.

"Ey Y/n! You comin' with us? We wanna grab some drinks." Luca asks you, once you blink twice to remind you where you are. "Nah, I'll pass. Thanks for the offer though"

Does it just seem to you or is a sad expression laid over Luca's face for a split second?

"Oh okay, good night then!" "You too guys. Have fun!"

You turn around and start walking t the locker room to get your backpack and keys.

In the locker room you are met face to face with Tan. "Hey, can I ask you something personal?" He asks. You alt in your movements and nod slowly.

"How come you never change your clothes here? I've never seen you come or go in your normal clothes?" You swallow hard. So they noticed.

What should you say? The truth and risk getting ignored? Or just some little lie.

"Uhm, I actually don't even really know myself. I guess it's just a thing I had going on since elementary school. I couldn't do that dressing shit while others were in the room. Insecurity I guess."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to invade your privacy." "Hell, I wouldn't have answered if you invaded my personal space." You grin and shoulder your bag. You wave him goodbye and walk out the door.

What a close call.

On your drive home you keep on replaying the scene in your head. Is it so obvious? That you evade getting dressed in public dressing rooms? Maybe. But they all could neither see the binders and tapes you are wearing to conceal your chest, nor should they see all of the scars on your body. The scars that you never were proud of getting. The scars you made yourself. All over your body. Your arms. Your legs. Your stomach.

And all those scars wouldn't be there if you weren't born in that fucking body. But you couldn't change it. And it bothered you.

It bothers you that you joined the police to help saving people, but you can't save yourself. Not without help of outsiders at least.

You hit the wheel of your car out of frustration. You know you can't continue like that. But you also can't do anything. It's like a carousel.

Once you reach home, you park the car and open the apartment.

You hop in the shower to wash all the sweat off, and fall in your bed afterwards. But you aren't tired. You are tired of keeping up a facade and your mind is tired too, but your body can't rest somehow.

When your alarm rings you didn't sleep a single second. You are relieved that you finally get to do something again. Get your mind off your personal problems. You dress up in uniform and exit your apartment.

The ride to HQ was quiet and there were luckily no traffic jams. In HQ the first person you ran into was Luca. "Hey, my favorite teammate! You're here early." You smile and answer: "Yeah couldn't sleep. Morning too."

"Hey, are you okay? Your eyes are really red and you have deep circles under your eyes. Have you been sleeping?" "I'm fine thanks." You try evading. "You know if there is anything I can do, reach out to me. Please. You're family." You nod, your lips pressed to a thin line.

With the mood now killed you excuse yourself and bury yourself the whole day in work.

On the end of the day Luca comes to you again. "Hey, do you want to crash at our place tonight? Maybe sleeping somewhere else could get you a cap of sleep. You really don't look so good. Please? For me?"

"Fine. Thank you" He nods and guards you to his car. You try to protest, that you have your own car but he insists on you two driving together. The ride was comfortable and you both were vibing to the music coming from the radio.

At Luca and Street's home, you are greeted with a happy Duke, who was eager to greet both of you.

"Hey, you know what, I'll make some dinner, and you can take a shower if you want."

That's when it hit you. "Fuck. I don't have any spare clothes with me." "Don't worry I'll lend you something of mine. Does Sweats and a Hoodie sound okay?"

"Sounds perfect Luca, thanks."

So after Luca hands you the clothes you go to the bathroom, and take a short shower, and slip into his clothes afterwards. When you get to the kitchen again, you get hit by a smell, so amazing it makes your stomach growl loudly.

"Wow, so hungry?" You smile sheepishly. "Thanks again." You say.

"Yeah no worries. Now eat up. I never see you eat at work, you must be really hungry."

"I don't eat at work, or after or before. Just some snacks in between breaks." You admit.

"A reason more to eat up." And with that he starts digging in too.

After the food the two of you sit on the couch and start watching TV. Until Luca suddenly sits up and turns to look at you.

"Hey, real talk right now. What's going on? You are mentally absent very often lately. You have deep circles under your eyes, I bet you don't sleep enough, and you don't eat regularly. And don't tell me everything's fine. Because it's not."

You are shocked for a second, but then all feelings hit you like a wall. They come crashing down on you and you just burst into tears.

"Hey, hey hey! Talk to me. Please!" Luca puts his arms around you and rubs your back in a soothing motion. You lean in the hug and start sobbing, finally letting your feelings out.

"I can't do this anymore." "What can you not do anymore?" "Keeping it from you. Everything"

"You know Luca. I became a cop to rescue people. But now I need rescuing. And I should have asked for help a long time ago. But I couldn't." You explain through sobs. "I always had a rough time. Always wanted to be like others. Wanted to be like the other dudes at the academy. But I just couldn't. Because of one difference. I was never born male. I was born as a female, but that never felt right. But wherever I went I couldn't fit in. I was too different. So I started punishing myself for something I did not even have power over." You sniff and pull the sleeve of the hoodie up, to show your scars. Scattered all over your arm.

"Oh Y/n! Why haven't you told us? We would have helped you through this. We are family. Remember?"

"But you will all see me differently now, won't you? Now that you know I'm trans?"

"That doesn't change anything. And I think I can speak for the whole team there."

He cups your face in his hands. "You matter to us. You are important to us. You hear me?" You nod. "Good." Then he pulls you even closer, for another hug.

"Thank you for your trust. And thank you for telling me all that." He says as he pulls away. Now come on. Let's get you to sleep. I'll show you my bed."

"And where are you going to sleep?"

"The couch."

"But-" He just shakes his head and you stop.

He guides you do his bedroom and tucks you in. Then he turns around to walk away. But you catch his wrist before he slips out of the room.

"Stay. Please?" You ask quietly.

"You sure?" He raises an eyebrow. You nod. "Alright let me change real quick and I'll come in a sec."

He returns a few minutes later and finds you sitting in his bed, waiting patiently for him.

"I thought you fell to sleep already." You just shake your head at that.

"Y/n can I ask you something?" "Sure thing" You answer as he makes himself comfortable and you turn around to face him.

"Do you maybe, maybe want to go and drink coffee or something tomorrow?"

"You asking me on a date?"

"Maybe? Don't know? Yes?"

You take a deep breath and close your eyes when you lean in, and peck him on the lips.

"That an answer?" You ask nervously.

"Depends. Should that have been a kiss? You gotta do it again then if your answer was a yes."

"Alright, you really gonna make me say it?" You sigh.

"Yup"

"Fine. I like you Dominique Luca! And I will go on a date with you."

"That's what I wanted to hear." And with that he grabs your face and pulls you in for a proper kiss.

A long and affectionate kiss. And when you part for air, he tells you: "You know you are the most beautiful man, I have ever met. I fell for you the moment you came up to me and asked me for advice in improving your skills at shooting, back when you were in the academy. But now sleep. Please"

"Only if you cuddle me."

Not even a second later you feel his hands wrapping around you, and his warmth embracing you.

"You know, I fell for you the moment I saw you too."

"Mhm. G'dnight Baby." He mumbles to your ear.

A minute later you hear a steady breathing from him.