#next tier

Every bit of me is challenged, mind, body, soul, finance, creativity, strength, etc. As of recently, maybe past couple months, I’ve been backed into corners, really being tested to my limits, and some days to the point of breaking down (which happened often). The internalization of pain, sorrow, self and pity/loathing is a heavy weight, but for some God blessed reason there is a spec of hope. And that little bit of hope is enough to work with.

In a fight for my life where things are stacked against me with weapons loaded, if I can find something to fight with, I’ll work with it and fight back-- that little bit of hope will go a long way.

I have a few things in mind, and I’ve narrowed down whats important to me.

- Making money on a professional-level. To do life shit.

- Retiring my father.

- Supporting my girlfriend and I with my growing empire.

Just reflecting and rambling....go!

I’m already doing this shit. I’m running a fucking agency in it’s infant stage. I don’t care if anyone doesn’t see that-- I don’t need them to. I’ve been told as a direct order, to pay attention what’s important to me. What’s important is me getting there, and anyone who is a hurdle I’m stepping on their heads. I’m going to make that stupid money, and it’ll be in the time I expect. This six figure income is all there, the mechanics make sense, everything makes fucking sense, and it’s very doable, and I’m on my way.

Lately, quite literally, everything hurts. I writhe in pain, I patch the wound, I limp, I crawl, and I keep on moving to the next day. This life shit, is going to happen, and that’s the curse and tribulation that runs in the family blood-line. The epic tribulations, and trials. Maybe that’s with everyone’s lives? But from what I can see from the sidelines, most people, not all, but most people have pretty regulated growing pains in retrospect. In regards to what they have to grind to get where they want--- their money, their position, their mind, their health has the at least the minimum requirement to press and proceed to get there. I would sacrifice the last few years of my life on earth to be in the standings they’re in, because if it were the case, I wouldn’t be here--- In a body with two souls, countless health conditions, and mental conditions; it makes it difficult. No one said this shit would be easy, but this shit is fucking hard, and some days I can’t help but have an internalized break down-- but tell you what, low key I’m fucking doing it.

I’m trying to better myself as a human too. And in that, I don’t fucking care if people see that as well anymore. I noticed I handle my multi personality disorder way better, my anxiety attacks are controlled, my improvement on my anger management improved, and I’ve been thinking less superficially which was another problem. This is the shit I gotta tell myself-- “Rewind you’re doing okay, you’re better than yesterday” I have the power to be there for my best friends, I have the power to save the ones I love, but another soul inside me asks “Who is going to save you?” So in that regard, I’ll just pick up myself, get a fucking grip, man up, and tell myself “You’re the only one that can save you. You got this, you’re improving”.

And as far as health goes as my challenge. All I can do is keep my heart healthy, and keep stretching my back...Every. Single. Morning. And now this shit is becoming fun. What used to be a challenge, is now becoming an excitement to wake up to stretch and light exercise for 30m. It made my breathing better, my physique look amazing, and it feels like I’m not as challenged in that category as before.

Spiritually, I’ve been challenged to see how strong my relationship is with God. Whoever the hell is reading this, and is looking at it from Christianity, Buddha, Judaism, Cathulu, Ra, who gives a shit. I was being tested on my faith to rely on Him. And now, I can’t forget to keep him in my days.

This whole rant wasn’t about self praise or recognize for anything. After that new year of 2017 hit, I stopped giving a shit entirely on how people view my life or want to view my life. I don’t care to fuck with new people and let them in. And that’s all this whole shit is-- what’s been on in my mind. I’m just doing me, and focusing on me. And keeping to my close circle of best friends from my team, and just focusing on my girlfriend.

Whether or not if loved ones want to stay with me or fuck with me. I don’t care, because I’m going to be successful. I’m going to hit these fucking goals. I’m on my way to build my empire, improve my whole life, be in the position I want, and get married.

This. Whole. Fucking. Time. I was being humbled by God. How blinded I was by everything. But I improved---- My pride was brought to a low. My selfishness as well has calmed. My possessiveness mellowed. My greed dwindled. My lust is non existent. All those fucking things I was shackled too, just unhinged its damn self slowly. And those demons I’ve been fighting in my souls are reduced to little ghosts that roam around trying to find a way to bring the sanctuary of my mind down.

I’m still going to fucking work on me. I’m going to fucking do it. Be the best version of me, whether anyone wants to be around my life or not. And I’m going to give myself more respect while I do so.

Just fucking watch me.

I’m going to make it.