#new-speak

The following is a dictionary of New-Speak Terminology. The first word or phrase in the New-Speak term and following that is the true meaning of it. I first wrote this son after 9-11 and posted it on the AOL forum. I have since added a couple new terms.

1. Oil = The only excuse the US ever uses for military action against another nation. The subject of Afghanistan’s lack of oil falls into numbing silence by the New-Speakers.

2. Lies = This really means two things: First, any poor or outdated intelligence that is used as a part of the War on Terror, especially as dealing with Iraq; Second, any facts that contradict the New-Speaker's agenda.

3. Illegal = Any action taken by a Republican. The fact that there is no law supporting their claims can be ignored (see #2).

4. Criminal = Anyone who takes decisive action with out first consulting with the New-Speakers. Again, the fact that there are no laws, or were no laws at the time of the supposed criminal act can be ignored (again, see #2).

5. Terrorist = Any person in a US Military Uniform.

6. Terrorism = Any act carried out against the enemy.

7. Civilian = Anybody killed by US Military Forces that are not in uniform. The fact that the enemy does not wear uniforms can be ignored (see #2).

8. Insurgent = Any enemy that enters Iraq from another country for the purpose of killing Iraqi citizens and US troops. The fact that the definition of insurgent means that the person must be a native of the country in question is met with the New-Speak Term #2.

9. WMDs = A rallying cry much like 'Toro-Toro-Toro!' was to the Japanese at Pearl Harbor. It is also used to blind their ranks to the fact that WMDs was but one of many reasons cited for the end of the cease-fire.

10. 9-11 = A vast Right-Wing Conspiracy perpetrated by Bush and the Jews to force the US into terrorist actions against the civilians of oil-rich countries so that the US can control the world's oil supplies.

11. War Monger = Anyone who believes that the initiation of the use of force must be met with counter-force. In other words, anyone who believes that a self-declared enemy of the US must be fought.

12. Atrocity = Anytime a 'civilian' (see #7) is killed in combat.

13. Friendly Fire = Does not exist in the New-Speak Vocabulary.

14. Murder = The death of a 'civilian' (see #7).

15. Casualty = The death caused by an 'insurgent' (see #8).

16. Public Opinion = What ever the leaders of the New-Speak Movement's opinion is.

17. Domestic Spying = Foreign intelligence gathering.

18. Freedom of Speech = The cloak that New-Speakers use to spread their new vocabulary through out society with impunity. Free Speech only applies to New Speakers, all others must be silenced by any means possible.

19. Bigot = Anyone who cannot see the sense in strip-searching little old Jewish ladies at the airport.

20. Peace Activist = A vocal New-Speaker who can often be found trying to disrupt funerals of 'terrorists (see #5) and the speeches and/or private moments of 'criminals' (see #4) or 'War Mongers' (see #11).

21. Torture = Any method of interrogation not used by Commandant Klink in the TV series Hogan's Heroes.

22. Political Prisoner or Illegal Detainee = An enemy or 'insurgent' (see #8) that is captured rather than killed. All of these people are subject to 'torture' (see #21).

23. Inhumane Treatment = Any treatment of 'Illegal Detainees' (see #22) that would be met with complaint at a Five-Star Hotel.

24. Gun Safety = The restriction of law abiding citizens to possess guns.

25. Police = Domestic terrorists.