#new flames

The Real Housewives of Orange County Season 14 - Episode 1: New Friend, New Flames AirDate: August 6th, 2019, 09:00 PM

I was terrified. Not because I was in the park with a stranger. More so because, I stopped believing in nights like this a long time ago...and I was wrong.

So you just gonna tell truth & state facts And bring up the VERY RECENT PAST AND MY HUMAN MISTAKES IN MY FACE LIKE THAT!?? NAH FUCK THAT I DON'T NEED THIS

And I have absolutely no idea how I feel about it. Today my manager texted me to say I had flowers at my job. Instinctively, I told her she was lying. Me? Not me. Somebody else. There must be a mistake. But alas, they were very clearly addressed to me with a note attached that almost everyone was so intrigued to read and see who they could be from. So I find my way to work to pick up this beautifully huge bouquet of flowers. This entire time, I'm confuzzled at who the sender could be since there are a few options, but something in my gut knows it's Angel. The note attached is charming, sarcastic, witty, and very clearly put together with great thought. She's invited me out dancing (since she's picked up that interest of mine). From there, I have to decline (I've already committed myself to a date night with someone else and plus, apparently I must play "the game") but it seems that somehow, she's smitten enough to want to occupy my time...frequently. I honestly have no idea how I feel about this. Assessing the situation, I can now see that she probably respects me a great deal and wants to go about this the 'right way'. I won't lie, a large part of me just wants her to disrespect me. Just a little. Just touch it at least lol. But I've gathered that she wont. Not until the time is right. I can see how she could be very charming, how women eventually fall for her, but that is the part of this game I don't want to play. She's the type to build a galaxy of possibility right before your eyes, making you feel like you've shifted planets. I need my feet firm. Something about this woman has always spelled danger. Ok, Maybe not danger per se but always "something about her is about to tip your world upside down". Even in the most simple of interactions, my spirit is constantly just like "bruh, this one isn't regular". And that is terrifying. I need assistance.....

So apparently, when you start having feelings for someone new after a break-up, any old harbored feelings you didnt address about your ex will resurface. Why? Because if you’re avoiding emotions, when you do get around to feeling ANYTHING, your brain can’t and won’t filter which emotions are good or bad, to hide or to show. In me thinking I had rid myself of my chains to my ex, I inadvertently brought them to the top by feeling for someone new. The way this has manifested itself is in recurring and continual dreams, every night without fail, that include her. My phone even butt dialed her twice in a row, at which I’m still actively freaked out by. I understood this as a sign from the universe that a conversation needed to happen. I knew. But I didn’t want to do that and decided to do it on my own time, when I was ready. The night before last, I had a nightmare, with Cydney as the antagonist, and was woken up to my current holding me down, asking if I was ok, because I had started punching her in the face in my sleep and was shaking… I haven’t had a nightmare in almost 3+ months so imagine my surprise and downright horror at the situation. And from there, my emotional peace has all but slipped from under me in the span of 36 hours. What does this mean? What the fuck about this conversation is so pertinent that it has to happen now? Why is this happening as I’m simultaneously trying to process my emotions for my friend? And what do I have to do to regain peace and order? I’m stressed yall.