#never received

     I am uncertain where to begin, but I know I must do this. Please, bear with me. I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone. That what was, cannot be again. But, though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along. And I know the fault is mine.

     In earnest…. I can’t run anymore. That is what I have been doing. I have spent so many years running, that I could not stop, even in the light of freedom. I might have spent forever running if not for your ever constant patience and devotion. It has conquered me. I fall before you. Here I am, Hawke. I have nothing left. Though I’ve tried to forget, you’re all that I am. All that I want in this life. Take me home, I’m through fighting it. It is only you that could give me such a thing. And…. I’m sorry. In all my bitterness, I ignored all that’s real and true. All that you have given me. All I need is you. It has become apparent. I can’t live this life without you by my side. I need you, to survive.

     Hawke. You’re my one true friend. And I never meant to hurt you.

     I do not know for certain if the Maker exists. Or that, if he does, he has a plan in mind for each of us. But, every day I find myself inclined to believe as such. More and more as time goes by. Because you were made for me. I’ve come to believe this at least, without doubt. Somehow, Hawke…. Somehow, I’ll make you see how happy you make me. I cannot stress how important you have become to me. How wonderful you are. You have become my only hope. My only peace. My only joy. My only strength. And I find you are my only power. My only life. And, always, my only love. You are everything good in my life, all that I could ask for. As odd as that might sound.

     We have been apart, but never far from each other. When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears. When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years. I have tried to escape you, to turn away from what I have done. But, you still have all of me. And I wish to be with you always. To keep holding you up, when the world would try tearing you down. I pray it is not too late.

      Apart of me has always felt…. Inferior, unworthy of your affections. What have I done to deserve such a heart as yours? It was a burden I could not overcome, until now. Good enough…. Finally, I feel good enough for you. I cannot tell what has changed. But, I feel good enough. It’s been such a long time coming, but I feel good. Perhaps it is not true, but, I feel it still. I have come to realize the weight of what this means, and I hope you do as well. So take care what you ask of me, because I can’t say no to you. And, Hawke….

     Hawke…. Even after all I’ve done to you. Even after my mistake, my cowardice…. Am I good enough for you to love me too?….

     Regardless of your answer, I am yours.