#never calm

I know what needs to be done for my own peace of mind. I also know what I cannot do. The amount that these things overlap is startling and I feel so helpless. I'm so pathetic, constantly shaking, always with a whimper waiting to be voiced. I make lists. Tell myself, "This is what I no longer want in my life." Tell myself, "This is what probably no longer wants me in their life, and therefore I no longer want them." Tell myself, "This is what I want in my life, now."

And yet I do nothing. I do not want to be the "doer," I want to be the "done by." I would not be a victim, but by doing what I truly want I am sure to victimize others. I cannot be so cruel. And, yet, if it were done to me, I would not see it as cruelty. But to imagine that everyone feels the same as me is selfishness. Even the possibility of my own unkindness stops my tongue.