not really vent worthy but i hate having to fucking specify when i just âdislikeâ something or when i âautistically dislikeâ something.
like, how else do i explain to someone that thinking about this thing and doing this thing will cause a meltdown. especially when itâs a stupid little thing that would not cause any normal person to start freaking crying.
for example, i had a meltdown today because we played fucking head down thumbs up in per arts. yk, that stupid ass game where you have to put your head on the table and your thumbs up, and if someone taps your thumb you have to put it down and guess who did it. yeah. that game. which most people played in fucking primary when they were seven years old.
and i knew i was going to freak out over it too, could feel that it was something i did not want to do - as in, stamping my feet, non-verbal, no eye-contact did not want to. but when i tried to articulate that to my friend (not that he couldâve done anything to help at that time) i couldnât figure out how to say it beyond repeating i donât like this over and over again. because who the fuck wants to tell someone âi donât like this in an autistic and meltdown-y wayâ? you just sound like a fucking brat, or someone who is trying to use their diagnosis to get out of shit that they donât want to do. especially when i canât even give any proper reasons as to why i donât want to do this thing - how do you say to someone âhey, i have no idea why i hate this simple game so much, but i do know itâs going to make me cry and throw a tantrumâ? i just feel so fucking stupid and like a small child, i hate it so fucking much.
iâm fucking sixteen years old, i shouldnât be having breakdowns over being forced to do shit i donât want to do. that shitâs fucking childish. and when i do it in front of other, actually functional sixteen-year-olds? how do you come back from that shit, how do you show that youâre not just a neurotic autistic freak; that youâre the same as any teenager. the answer is, you fucking donât. youâre forever gonna be âthe autistic kidâ, the one who always has their headphones on and gets taken out of class by the teachers and given special fucking treatment and cries because of fucking heads down thumbs up.
i know i complain a shit ton about being neurodivergent, but itâs just so fucking shitty all of the time. shitty because i am expected to just deal with it and move on, and shitty because i donât have the words to explain to people what iâm feeling or why iâm feeling it. i believe iâm fairly high-functioning in general, which has the added perk of everyone believing iâm fine; that i donât need any special assistance. and hey, maybe i donât. maybe itâs just fucking normal to feel this anxious and this stressed every single day. but then again, maybe itâs not. maybe iâd like someone there to help me regulate, someone to check in so that i can have a reset when being overwhelmed. maybe i donât want to get home from school and immediately put my sleep clothes on, spend my whole fucking day counting the hours, minutes, seconds until i can go home and fucking rest. maybe i just want to feel fucking normal for longer than a few days for once. maybe i just want real, tangible things that can help, instead of fictional characters and my own repetitive thoughts. i donât want to feel this way for the rest of my life - i donât want to be stressed anymore.
