#neshdan

Of the many, many things to get back to, try and recoup and reset all this bloody bollocks back to normal ('People still have to eat, Emre,' Tomas said. Or maybe Emre just imagined him saying it, in his usual resolute flat-eyed fashion) Emre had a top priority.  And that was Madi. She'd salvaged him from the tree, but he hadn't seen a glimpse of her since.  And after Emre was thoroughly cleaned, fed, and slaked, he found his way to Madi's little home.

"Maz...nnnf,"  Emre winced as he peered into her home, and his senses retaliated instinctively.  He could clock what was happening fairly quickly. The buckets, the smell, the darkness, the stifling heat of her little indoor chulha.  It was a lot, but Emre beelined towards Madi. He didn't touch her just yet.   "Oi, babes.  Maz, can you hear me, luv?"

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi was not feeling okay, to say the least. SHe felt like something was trying to burst out of her so badly (it kept bursting out, she couldn't quite move from the bucket), she felt so, so cold, and her heart kept beating so fast, it didn't feel too bad, while a little voice in the back of her mind kept telling her if she only got some alcohol, she could get better. It would be an easy solution.

She didn't actually hear Emre come in, only realized he was near when he spoke, and Madi just raised her hand and gave Emre a thumbs up for a few moments. "Yeah, I can hear you. Hi? Are you--" but she couldn't finish the sentence, her insides came out of her once again. Once that was done, she wiped her mouth and looked over at Emre, "Sorry, I don't think I'm-- not the best company right now."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

"Dear me, shall I return when you're feeling better then?" Emre asked deadpan before he kissed his teeth and got to work.  "Seen you in far worse ways, as you well know, mate. Honestly this is your plan then.  Hole up for a few days and just let it pass.  You chat with Nesh at least?"  Emre bustled, straightening up Madi's little space, organizing it so she had more blankets, better access to the bucket. A wet rag for her mouth.  More water in general.  And he added more wood for her little oven.

Once things felt more organized, Emre finally folded beside Madi to sit next to her. He touched her damp hair, pushing it back from her pale, slick face.  "You're going to need help, you silly little muppet.  Why're you even doing this to yourself."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi tried to follow Emre with her eyes as he moved around and chastized her, but after a few moments, she just felt like her head was spinning so instead she closed her eyes and tried to just listen to him, wiping her mouth with the wet rag as well. "I-- maybe. I just-- it's bad now, but it should be better in a bit, okay? I kind of did this once already." Different circumstances, half as old body, but Madi didn't think about that.

She leaned towards Emre and his touch even though she must have been completely disgusting and shouldn't have had to stick to him, but she just wanted the touch. It felt nice. "I need to-- to get better, that is why I am doing it. I need to get better and-- you know, not drinking is how I get better." Even if right now she didn't feel better.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Emre's brow creased, but he kept stroking Madi's hair when it seemed she was amenable to the touch.  At least she seemed to have prepared somewhat; there was a earthenware jug nearby, filled with some blend of coconut and fruit juice.  Emre poured out a cup, even if he knew it was likely to just come back up anyway.  "Right.  This was how you stopped your bender when you was twenty-one like, yeah?" Maybe he got her age wrong, but he recalled the story.

She wanted to 'get better'.  All this time, she'd only spoke about how there was no need to get better. How Madi was perfectly fine the way she was.  How she didn't need any help; and conversely she didn't think anyone cared enough to help. And also she didn't deserve any help. A whole mess of reasons, but how she wanted to get better.  Like aggravating shadows in the corners of his eyes, memories that weren't his flit into his mind.  (The sensation of being terribly burned in a fire.  Madi screaming, pleading, crying. ) Emre couldn't remember. He didn't want to.

Instead, he offered her the cup of juice and asked carefully, "Why do you want to get better, as you say."  What's the point he wanted to add, but...maybe not yet.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi nodded once, but then it made her dizzy, so instead she just croaked, "Yeah, kind of. It was-- it wasn't easy, but I got through it mostly okay." She also got through it while she was completely in shock for days. She also got into a shock after Emre, but things sometimes happened so fast on meridium, it was almost impossible to remain in a daze for long, especially when she also had to save her best friend who didn't actually die.

Sometimes Emre wanted to talk about. What better time than this. (It would have been easier not to say anything, on many levels, but what was the point of holding back now?) "You d-- you died. Because of me. I thought-- I thought you died." She shut her eyes. He was right, even just the few small sips of juice threatened to come back up again, but she was fighting it. "I don't want to hurt people. NOt-- not like that, not in any way. And this-- I am hurting people." And then the juice came out of her.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

"Mostly okay." Emre called bullshit on that.  More like Madi likely went through shite but in the triumph of overcoming the urge, she looked back with rose-tinted glasses.  Likely pinkened further by the fact that her sister Liv actually survived, too.  He moved the cup closer.  "Drink.  You'll hate me for it, but drink.  Honestly, did you chat with Tomas, or Nesh before going cold turkey, Mazzy."  Or maybe Hazel, or maybe not.  Everyone struggled return to normal but Emre wasn't even sure what normal was.

He'd died,  Madi then spilled onto him.  Emre said nothing yet, just remained quiet and tried not to think too hard on what that meant, or what shadows flickered in his periphery. A month in the trees.  He didn't die, he didn't fucking die.  That thing was not him. Madi corrected himself but Emre still swallowed back bile. "So you think it'll be a piece of cake then.  Fixing yourself.  Done it before, you can do it again, yeah.  Then you'll be right as rain, no harm to no one, no more.  Pretty fucking sound plan if you ask me."  It wasn't sound.  There was something off-kilter about this.  Some element missing in Madi's epic detox mission, but Emre couldn't put his finger on what.

Instead, he wrapped an arm around Madi's shoulders, and gave her a little cold squeeze.  "I know you'll argue, but you're being quite brave innit luv."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

"Uh-uh," Madi protested. "I don't want to." But still she took the cup and drank a couple of more sips. It tasted horrible, really, mixed with her own vomit taste, it was just horrible, but at least somewhere deep down she knew she needed it. "Didn't talk to them. Just-- before. Before all of this. But I'm fine." Really, if anything, her talk with Tomas previously should have been indication that doing this alone wouldn't be easy, but she was only hearing and obtaining what Tomas said during his lectures and his talks, so it didn't stick with her.

She gave him the stinky eyes. "I know you are being sarcastic right now, but I don't have any energy to actually argue back." And then he called her brave and certainly no energy to argue even though this was something she would have wanted to even more. So she just buried her head into his shoulder instead, trying to find some energy in his hug. "I should-- I should talk to somebody, right? One of them?" Except... "I can't move. I can't-- I can't get up and find them. Talk to them. I just-- I can't."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

"There's my girl," Emre purred softly, taking the cup the moment Madi was done with it.  A few more beats, and then he'd offer it again.  "You're fine, alright."  This was absolutely not fine.  None of this was fine but Emre wouldn't fight Madi on it.  Instead, he exhaled softly.  "Seems we can't stop fighting, can we.  Wager we've been fighting longer now than we've been friends on this bloody island."  That sounded horridly correct, if his timeline was right.  If he hadn't done that one thing that ruined them, permanently.

But really, if he hadn't killed Suresh, it would be something else, wouldn't it? It had to be that way.  Madi would find out sooner or later.  "I'm not being sarcastic," he said, perhaps a bit more plaintively than he meant.  "You just won't ever believe me  innit. Not anymore."

Madi saw some reason though, in her miserable state.  "Obvi, you little plum.  I'll go find them and bring them here. Which one would you want then - Tomas or Dr Nesh?"  And then because Emre felt he should, he also offered, "Hazel?"

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi was never going to drink juice again for the rest of time. Or at least for a really long time. It was horrible, but she gulped it down and hoped and prayed it wouldn't come back up. She could do this. She really could. But not when Emre was saying stuff like that. "Don't-- please, don't--" She wanted to be his friend but this really wasn't the time to have that conversation. "We can have more time in-- in the friendship column. The not-friendship can just be-- a blip. In the long run." Please, Emre, understand what I want to say, she pleaded silently. And the once again she said, "Don't, please. Just-- not now, okay? Later."

She bit her lips, tried to keep things down in her stomach as she took a couple of deep breaths. "Can you-- can you tell either of them? Both of them? Just so that-- so that they know." Breath in, breathe out. "And can you-- can you tell Hazel, too?" No need for an audience, but people knowing-- that couldn't hurt.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi begged, but it wasn't necessary.  Emre searched inside him for that inevitable sting of hurt or pining or bitterness at Madi postponing any friendship chat until the ever-nebulous 'later'.  As if 'later' was a guaranteed moment of time.  He waited to see if his lip would curl, if he'd say something bilious to her and then soothe her rankle with an apology.  Poke and prick Madi just enough to get her upset.  Because 'upset' meant she still cared.  All these options, but Emre just nodded, and licked his lips, all gentle and matter-of-fact as he replied.

"Right, of course luv. Later.  Right.  What d'you want to chat about then?  I could distract you from...all this, yeah.  And before you try to send me away, it's not going to work.  You're not the only one who loves, you know."

Emre hummed in acquiescence about telling the others.  "I'll nip out when you manage to fall asleep."  If Madi was able to fall into anything deeper than a fitful sleep.  He wasn't sure if she could, but he wouldn't leave her now.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

"I'm not trying to send-send you away. I-- I'm glad you're here." Would Emre actually believe that? Or would he think it's nothing more than a pain induced declaration she'd take back later? But Madi couldn't quite think about that much. She'd worry about that later, because there would be a later. "I just-- you're right, they should know. Please. I don't think-- I don't think I could sleep anytime soon."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

"Stop begging, stop saying please. You don't have to beg me," Emre said, his voice caught like a frog in his throat.  "Just...just rest. Rest my darling."

Emre stayed with Madi then, and their conversation gently dipped to just random questions Emre asked as he tidied up Madi's home a bit more, made her drink more juice.  Held the bucket for her.  Wiped her face.  Let her chew on mint leaves (cheers Dr Nesh) until she retched again.  Read to her from a girl's mag he'd found in her hut.  When Madi's squirming slowed slightly, it was just enough for Emre to slip out of her hut and find Hazel.  A brief explanation of what Hazel would expect to find, and then a careful request that Hazel pay Madi a visit.  Please.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ — — ✿ ❀ ✿ — — ✿ ❀ ✿ —

She agrees. But she agrees with terms: Emre needs to remove any alcohol he might've stowed away in a hiding place that Madi knew about before Hazel is willing to help. She's not going one step forward and three steps back. Not anymore. Not with this.

She's not feeling too well, herself, after so long in the trees. When she'd finally given in to sleep, it'd been for about twelve hours straight. But she's awake now and the early light of dawn is bringing with it some relief. One: the voice that had roused her from that dead sleep is beginning to wane. Two: Madi is doing this. And she wants Hazel here to help her through it.

"You know, um, when I learned about this in school, they said, um – that a negative symptom is a positive sign. Like... like you're feeling really bad, but it's because your body's getting rid of bad stuff. It's doing its job," she tries to reassure as she places a new cold compress on Madi's forehead – which is a bit of a moving target, with how the other woman's shivering. "So, um. So this is a good thing. Even if I'm sure it doesn't, like... feel like it."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi managed to doze off, but despite the fact that she didn't have any dreams (no nightmares either, which was a win for sure), she didn't have a restful sleep. It felt like she was on the verge of something but couldn't push through, and somehow she felt the cold even in the darkness of her sleep.

She wasn't sure what woke her up, she wasn't even quite sure where she was or what was happening, she just knew she was cold and shivering and so cold. So so so ridiculously cold. She was fire attuned, but this felt different somehow. And then a voice came and-- "Hazel, is that you?" she whisperred, her throat hoarse, a world of horrible taste in her mouth. She was still not really feeling well in her stomach, though. "Negative is positive. That sounds weird. Are positives also negatives?" she asked, trying not to focus on the fact that Hazel was right, none of this felt like a good thing.

"What-- what else did you learn? In school?" she needed the distraction, but maybe this wasn't the best topic. "What were you like in school?"

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

“I think… positives are also positives.” Which would make everything positive, which is objectively not true, but… Hazel doesn’t comment on that. Instead she gently puts the back of one hand against Madi’s quivering cheek, trying and failing to hide her grimace. She’s burning up. “Oh, um, yes. It’s me. Hazel,” she answers belatedly.

There’s a lengthy pause between that and her next response, too, as she’s moving the damp cloth from Madi’s forehead to run it over her cheeks, her neck, her arms. Then she returns it to her forehead and closes her eyes, focusing on her attunement so that she can get a breeze going in the room, hoping that plus the water will bring her temp down. “I was… shy, at first. It was intimidating, being around all these strangers, especially because I didn’t do a lot of the conventional school stuff growing up. But I found some friends, and my uh — my first real girlfriend,” she admits on a small laugh. “And then I talked a lot. Too much, probably, but it was, um… I learned a lot. They have you do this thing called clinical, in nursing school, where you like — you have a hands-on experience in every specialty in the hospital. I guess to figure out which you like best. But um, I learned the most then. Sorry, that was — that wasn’t really your question, was it? I don’t know. I was… I learned a lot. Um, how do you feel?”

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

It wasn't possible to fully push out her body's reactions to things, but Madi tried to focus on Hazel's voice, what she was saying. She could just picture younger Hazel careful and shy, wrapping her hands around her books to protect herself, and then opening up as she got to know more people.

"No, it's okay, I-- I like hearing this. I wanna get to know your past, what you were like in all different stages of your life. So if you want to, I could-- I want to listen." Normally Madi probably wouldn't have admitted it this bluntly, would have felt awkward or anxious over it, but the fever was strong enough that she just said it as she felt it. She might feel all the awkwardness later, but for now, she was feeling too bad because of everything else. "I don't-- I don't feel too well," she admitted it. "It's-- really cold. I and it feels like-- I don't know, I don't know how to put it, I just feel like something is not right." She was breathing strangely, though she couldn't quite tell how weird or what was wrong with it.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

“How’d you train to be a firefighter?” Hazel asked abruptly, wanting to keep Madi distracted but realizing her unnatural breeze is dying out when she’s talking. “That’s a job that, um… requires some practice, right?”

But there are things that can’t be ignored, and as Madi goes on Hazel nods. Her breath’s short but there’s not much that can be done for that, other than soothing other things. Hazel keeps the air moving, as if that’ll promote breathing, then rifles through the bag she brought. There’s yellowslipper, which… isn’t too helpful right now, given that Tomas had told her that its best use is for migraines. Unless… “How’s your head? Oh wait!” Here, a jar of cloudy, light purple liquid. The bobbler fruit’s juice, diluted with water. It doesn’t exactly look appetizing but… it’ll do. “Can you sit up, just a little? Here,” Hazel prompts, using a hand to stabilize Madi’s back as she shifts the other woman up then lifts the jar to her lips. “Take a little sip of this for me. Please. It’ll help you feel less cold.” As Madi works on that, Hazel ticks back a damp strand of the other woman’s hair without a second thought, then clears her throat. “Um… did I ever tell you about the time my sister ended up at the hospital I was working at? It’s a funny story, actually.”

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

"Yeah, a lot." Madi replied quietly, weakly. "You need to be in a certain kind of shape to even apply, and then they build from there. Both teach you what to do in emergencies, how to handle them, how to handle people during those situations. It's a lot. And then we had to keep going to trainings yearly to make sure we're up to par." It was something she didn't originally think she could do, but she wanted to give it a try and it resulted in over a decade of good years on the field.

It was a nice bit of distraction, to talk a bit, but then Hazel asked her to sit up, and the reality of her situation hit her all over again. She didn't want to sit up, didn't feel like she could, but Hazel helped her and she tried to give her a grateful smile. Maybe it turned out more like a grimace, but she was doing her best. "What-- what does that do?" she asked before she took a few small sips.

If the situations was different, maybe she wouldn't have done it,  or would have hesitated more, but after a few sips she just laid her head onto Hazel's shoulder so a moment, breathing slowly. "You-- you haven't. Can you tell me?"

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

“Was there, like, a firefighter gym?” Hazel says, half joking, but then realizing, “You know… I don’t think I ever stepped foot into a firehouse back in the world. I’ve only seen them in movies. What was the one that you worked at like?”

Then comes the whole sitting up thing, which is a process, but Madi gets up a bit and that’s good enough. “There you go. That’s good. Just need you to drink this and, you know, um. Don’t want you to choke.” Maybe not the most reassuring, but Madi’s getting little mouthfuls down, so it’ll do. “Okay, that’s good for now. You don’t want to drink too much of this stuff. Trust me,” she grimaces with a little smile, trying to keep it lighthearted despite how Madi’s pallor, her constant shaking, makes her nervous. “This helps with fevers. Which, believe it or not, you’ve got right now.”

Hazel tenses up for a moment when Madi leans against her. Her skin is hot. Not that it hurts, of course, but she’s pretty averse to touching in general and the heat doesn’t help and just last night she’d been thinking — she’d thought — it doesn’t matter. Those had been bad dreams. That’s all. “She was, um…” Hazel grimaces again. “Well, she was drunk. We were in our early twenties, I was in school doing my ER clinical. I was about to leave for the night when suddenly I hear someone calling my name. But not really my name, like, all sorts of nicknames and stuff, and I knew who it was before I even saw her, and Ivy was sitting there in this bed and I was like — like, why are you here, what happened, and she was like I just wanted to see you! Aaaand then she puked. All over.” Hazel laughs a little, a tight sound, but her hand has wandered up, just the lightest touch of her fingertips against Madi’s hair. “The bouncers from the bar made her friends take her to the hospital, but we just gave her some anti nausea meds and I took her home with me. She was okay.” Hazel pauses, taking a shaky breath before trying to say with confidence: “And you will be, too.”

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

"Yes and no," Madi said after a few long moments. "They are accurate, but they usually don't show all and it's not-- they aren't as big and pretty. It would be nice, but it wouldn't. Not every station has a gym, I've worked at one where there wasn't and one where it did."

She didn't choke, thankfully, but in her state, what she was given tasted horrible and she felt like it would be coming back up for a few very long seconds. SHe shot her eyes and grimaced and hoped for the best and this time her stomach was hopefully empty enough it didn't all come back. And hopefully it would help her fever because yeah, "I feel so cold," she muttered. "So badly cold."

She listened to Hazel tell the story with a small, tired smile on her lips. "It sounds like she had a good night." She at least reached the point where just thinking about alcohol made her want to throw up again instead of wanting another drink. Or at least she kept telling herself that and hopefully it would work. That was what got her here, she didn't need it. "Thanks, I hope so too. It doesn't feel like it right now. I just-- I am so cold and so tired." She slowly laid back down onto the bed and closed her eyes. She just woke up but she still felt so tired and while she slept, at least she wouldn't feel everything she did in that moment.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

“I know,” Hazel murmurs sympathetically when Madi mentions feeling cold, though she can feel the warmth radiating from her skin from here. “This’ll fix that. I—“ Promise. You’re not supposed to do that, not with a patient. But this is Madi. But… still. “I’ll leave it here for you, okay? I-I mean I’m not — I’ll just —“ She starts and stops, frowning for a moment as she stares at the makeshift pillow that Madi had been resting on. It’d be so easy. Maybe it’d be an act of mercy. It’d be fast enough, with how Madi is already breathing, and she might not even fight back, and —

“Yeah, she did. She was, um, she was good at that.” Hazel focuses back in to work up a small smile. And then she does make a promise, of sorts, with Madi’s hot face against her shoulder and her fingertips moving against the other woman’s hair. She could cover her mouth. She could —

“Okay, well, you just get some more rest for now. And I’ll um… I’ll be here for a while.” She gets up and away from the bed as Madi lays back down. It doesn’t help. Not as much as she wishes it would. Hazel wrings her hands in front of herself as she backs a few more steps away. “If you need anything, just um — just let me know. But… but yeah. Get some sleep.”

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi just quietly nodded and watched Hazel put the cup down. "You don't have to stay, if you don't want to," she felt the need to say it - even though she wanted her there. It was nice to have her there, even if it was just obligation and being a nurse and working at the apothecary. "Thank you, for being here. I-- I really appreciate it. And you." And she did try to rest after that - not too successfully, it felt almost impossible to properly rest, but she did try at least.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ — — ✿ ❀ ✿ — — ✿ ❀ ✿ —

It wasn’t as if Madi’s absence was unusual, given the chasm that had opened between them in the last month. No less Nick knew from the little flutters of memories that he had amends to make. A mammoth bridge to rebuild. Except there was something else too.

For the last hour Nick had been a sitting vigil, with his feet up on the chair in various contorted and uncomfortable positions. “Hey-hey,” he uttered, at the first sign of movement. “Morning sunshine.” It wasn’t, it was the dead of night, but dry humour was all he could fall back on. He felt out of place and out of depth, he’d only ever been on the other side of this. “How’re you feeling…?”

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Everything hurt, that was Madi's first thought as she slowly came to consciousness. She was still cold, but it also felt like there was just no air in her lugs. She couldn't have properly defined it, all she felt was that something was wrong with herself, it was abnormal.

She needed a few long moments to even realize who was sitting near her, talking to her - but thankfully she recognized Nick in the end. "Heeeeey," she croaked quietly, weakly. "I'm feeling like I should be getting close to-- you know, thinking about being okay." Maybe. There had to be an end to this, there just had to. "Have you been here long?"

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Nick swung his feet down and off the chair so he could scoot forwards just a tiny tad. “I should hope so co-co.” Though it didn’t escape him that her use of thinking as opposed to feeling meant progress was still a way off. “Not long we uh, we had a chat when I arrived.” He lifted one brow and chuckled, “you were telling me a story but it sounded awfully like the plot of the bee movie.”

“Reckon we can get that penned down on paper, yeah? Oldies aren’t gonna know it’s plagiarism.” He teased, but glanced about for the jug and cup he’d been informed of. “Up for something sweet? You’ve got a choice of…papaya or…papaya or…yup still papaya.” Nick smiled, but quickly gritted his teeth in determined ignorance of the voice that needled in his head.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi couldn't remember being up earlier, not when Nick was around, though she didn't know what any of that meant. She just knew she felt really really naseous, like she was becoming ice and she wanted to scratch the wall for some alcohol. She didn't want to, somewhere in the back of her mind she knew it would be better later, but now it just felt like if she could just drink a bit, just a tiny bit, things would be easier again.

"I-- I don't want anything sweet. No papaya or anything," she resisted. "You should-- you know, have some. But I don't--" Madi looked up, and she needed a few moment to realize there was something off. Was that-- no, it couldn't be. Or... "... What are you doing here?"

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Nick resisted the urge to fall for a dramatic sigh, and for a moment just fell silent. Contemplating how he could go about convincing her to take a small sip of something. Anything. Someone had mixed up coconut water with honey for her. It was all speared through by the look of confusion come mild…horror?

Right. Nick couldn’t recall what his evil duplicate had done, except his and Mik’s home wasn’t the only to be ransacked. “To check on you…” Nick heard himself say, plainly ignoring that in part he’d come to apologise. Nick chewed on the inside of his cheek none of that was supposed to be important now. But it still was. He of all people should understand the weight of the past. “Make sure you’re okay, y’know. Look I… I know how you’re feeling, yeah?” Nick said, with a hand to the back of his neck as if he was breaking out in hives at the notion of telling the truth. “I just want to help, as your friend or well y’know drinking partner which makes me guilty by default, I guess? Look—shit, I’m not good at this. What I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry.”

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Nothing really made sense, especially not her dad sitting by her bedside-- wasn't she on Meridium? Did he arrive while Madi was resting and just didn't realzie it? He seemed really relaxed for somebody who just arrived to the island, but... maybe she was out for so long? But then wouldn't she have to feel better by now?

"You-- you make no sense, why would you call me your friend? And drinking partner? We aren't-- I don't think we drank together more than like, two times and even that was before--" Her heartrate was picking up. Whenever she was sick, it wasn't even her dad who was with her, he could barely take care of himself, let alone the kids, was what her mom always used to say. Typical men, she would say. And now he was here, sitting by her bedside. Him apologizing for something he hasn't even done kinda explained why her mom always said that, really. "Dad, what are you talknig about?"

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Nick had thought it was all on par, confusion and a little disorientation. She was still deep in the throes of it. Gentle encouragements probably the way to go, right? Except Nick was caught off guard. She so innocently and quietly provided an answer to all the confusion. “No, no, Mads I’m not your dad.” Would it be better to play to her confusion? Shit.

He scooted forward to press the back of his hand lightly to her forehead, except just as it was with Mik he didn’t dare touch. “Shit. Right, okay, Madi.” Nick fetched a fresh cloth to press to her forehead mopping up what sweat he could. “Deep breaths, yeah? Easy, easy, I’ll go get the doc.” This was way out of his remit.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi closed her eyes for a moment - she wasn't a little kid anymore, but it was still kind of nice to have her dad be here and take care of her, try to take her temperature. It was all fine. She probably was just too tired still at first and thought it was Nick, nothing else.

"No, dad, don't say you're not my dad. I know things always haven't been the best but you're still my dad," Madi insisted, her breathing picking up as she tried to push herself up a bit to insist better. What logic there was, she wasn't sure, but she needed to make sure her dad stayed. "Please, don't leave. I-- I'm good enough for you to stay, we don't need a doctor," she pleaded. "Please, just stay."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Nick stared, what sort of person would he be if he indulged this? More still if he refused her? He grimaced, but stayed where he was. “Okay, okay I’m not going anywhere.” Fuck. An all too familiar suffocating blanket of guilt encompassed him. He urged her to lay flat again. Then pulled the chair back close to perch on the edge of it.

This would be an ideal time to be fucking air attuned. Nick cautiously touched his hand to hers. She was too hot for him to hold. Much less that needle of temptation from a foreign voice came forth. “You’re alright, yeah? Sleep this off and then tomorrow…” What was he doing? “I’m sorry.” What difference did it make if the apology came from the wrong shitty parent, to the wrong burdened kid? “Tomorrow we’ll I don’t know…how about go climb to top of that mountain? Yeah? You can be ontop of the world.”

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi felt like she calmed down once her dad reassured her he would stay, but her breathing didn't actually slow, it was simply Madi's perception. "That-- that sounds great, I would love that," she said with a small, weak smile on her face, only for it to drop mere moments after. "I-- I don't feel so good, dad," she whispered as she started shaking more and more.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Generic. He could keep this up if he stayed, generic. Plain bland father figure. Except her face fell, and with it so did Nick’s hope for her as the tremors grew more obvious. The severity growing by the second. “It’s okay, yeah?” But words weren’t much of a distraction nor medicine in this matter. Nick was close to giving up and abandoning Madi to find that damn doctor when —

— ✿ ❀ ✿ — — ✿ ❀ ✿ — — ✿ ❀ ✿ —

‘Shit, thank god you’re here. She’s seeing things man, I don’t think she’s in a good way—‘

Then, Nick had left. Now it was just Madi and him, all alone. In moments like this, Neshdan embodied calm and quiet. His fingers removed the wet cloth from her forehead and he used his attunement to draw the water out of the soft material, just to gently let the water wash some of the sweat from her face. „Deep breaths. Nice and steady.“ His hands moved to push her to her left side, then held her, one of his soft and cold hands wrapped tight around her right arm. „What’s going on, Madi?“, he asked, his words as composed as his mind. „What are you feeling? Try and describe it to me.“

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Something was happening, that much Madi could feel, but then all she could see was her dad stepping away and then somebody else coming into the frames - the doctor from around. What was going on with her. "Pain. It-- it hurts, I--" But she couldn't finish the sentence. Her shakes that she thought were nothing more than due to the cold got worse in only a second and she was just shaking now, unable to speak, just groan from the pain.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

„It’s okay. Madi, it’s okay. Deep breaths.“ Obviously, that was easier said than done, and he knew that. But there was nothing much he could do except from holding her, cooling her down through his own, icy body and timing the shakes. As he waited for her to calm down and for the shakes to subside, he remembered brief mentions of how she’s been drinking, and about how she might want to quit. No epilepsy, then, just seizures as her blood and body was getting rid of the alcohol.

Slowly, Neshdan sat down next to her, continued to keep her laying on left her side and then pushed a few strands of hair out of her face, gently pushed her mouth open for the part of a second to check for her tongue. „Everything’s all right, Madi. It will stop.“

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

There were voices vaguely next to Madi, but she wasn't fully there in the moment. She could hear what Nesh was saying, somewhere at the back of her mind she understood that he was there, that she was as safe as she could be in this situation, but she was not there, not fully. Her body took over, shaking uncontrollably, her spit dripping from her, while she kept groaning in pain. At the forefront of her it was nothing but pain.

She wasn't sure how long it lasted, she couldn't tell when it all started, or even when it started getting better, but her her body was stuff, her head was pouding as the shaking slow stopped and her body relaxed.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

„Okay,“ Nesh said when she was slowly calming down, „Okay. You’re okay.“ When the shaking had fully subsided, he allowed her to lay down on her back again, but his hands stayed on her shoulders, for some reassuring touch. „You were having a seizure.“, he explained as he carefully took the dried cloth to wipe her spit away, „which can occur when you’re going through withdrawals. It’s rare, and I don’t think that it’ll happen again. When’s the last time you’ve eaten something? When did you last have something to drink?“

A lot of questions for someone that’s still partially knocked out, but it’s better to distract her. „When was the last time you had alcohol?“

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Seizure. Madi was having a Seizure. This was nothing like what she's experienced before and her exhausted brain of hers told her it really was a ridiculously stupid idea to even attempt to do this on her own - what would have happened if nobody came looking for her?

But they did. They did come looking. She was so convinced she was alone for so long but if that were the case, nobody would have been here.

She curled up as she laid down and closed her eyes as she listened to the doctor's questions. "Drink is-- I don't know, after this started. People-- they kept making me drink." Her voice was pained and weak, but at least she had some semblance of herself and her surroundings now. "Everything else before people got out of the trees."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Nesh paused for a moment to take in her features, check for any other symptoms as she laid there. „Your symptoms are quite severe.“, he said, before his fingers reached for hers. Then, for a few minutes, he simply held her hand, fingers intertwined as he applied gentle pressure. Sometimes, that was all patients needed - and he had held many hands, as they struggled to fall asleep, cried, or died.

„We’re going to wait another fifteen minutes and then I’ll get you something to eat. Is that fine with you?“, he asked, now both of his hands holding one of hers. „I’ll sit with you for a while, watch over you while you rest. I told Hazel where I am, and she’ll know to get me in cases of Emergency.“

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi didn't have much strength in her, her entire body felt quite numb and wobble, for lack of a better word, but when Nesh took her hand and gently squeezed it, she tried squeezing it back. It was probably barely sensable, but she tried anyway.

"Not really sure if my-- my stomach can handle anything. But maybe-- maybe something to drink." Her throat did feel dry a bit, though she also tasted whatever was the effects of the last few hours? days? in her mouth, so even just getting some of that out would have been great. "Thank you. So much-- for all of this," she said quietly, her eyes closing down. as she tried to rest some more, not letting go of Nesh's hands for any bit.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

„I’ve barely done anything.“, is his honest reply, and Nesh doesn’t even have to leave to get some water, because one of the people that visited her before him left some. It’s not much, but probably enough for now. „Do you want me to get anyone?“, he asks, and he doesn’t know her well enough to know if there’s someone she could ask for.

As he waits for her reply, he makes sure to clean up some of the mess in her hut, lets some fresh air in and gives her a fresh and wet cloth to wipe some of her sweat away, just in case she wants to. „Take it easy, yeah?“

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Nesh claimed he hasn't done enough, but Madi didn't feel that way, but she was too tired to argue against it. She just wanted to feel normal. She'd thank him for his help later, once she could think properly.

She pushed herself up a bit to drink some water - it didn't quite sit well with her just yet, but it wasn't as bad as before. The reaction that became a habit for her in recent months that it would be easier if it was alcohol came up, but she gripped the cup of water harder and drank from that instead. "I'll-- yeah, I'll take it easy," she said taking the washing cloth away from him and then before he left, she added, "If you could-- you know, if you bump into Tomas and could ask him, I wouldn't mind if he came." It felt awkward to even ask and her insides told her she should just remain alone, but that was what got her into this in the first place. She needed to be done with that, or at least try to.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

"in case you throw up, please refrain from drinking for about fifteen minutes. Rinsing your mouth is fine, though. Try to eat light foods, nothing too hot, and as health as possible. Take your time to rest, Madi. I'll try and check up on your bees. From a distance." Nesh gifted her one last gentle smile, before collecting the utensils from the emergency kit he's brought. "If you happen to seize again, don't worry, it will pass. Just make sure to try and get me to come, yeah?" The man gently patted her head, then raised from the ground, took a deep breath and left the hut, just to go and look for Tomas.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ — — ✿ ❀ ✿ — — ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi was in a sleep so deep that Tomas couldn't wake her when he came in. But Nesh had assured him that Madi was past the worst of the danger, and after checking her himself Tomas found that the girl's sleep was restorative more than worrisome, so he passed the time in slowly and carefully giving her a sponge bath. Madi, he felt, had long since crossed the threshold of either of them being too precious about varying states of undress in front of each other, especially in a situation like this.

"Hey there," Tomas said, when she finally started to stir. "You're looking better." He adjusted on the stool he was sitting on, looking her over again, and then said, "--actually, you look terrible. Better put off competing in the Miss Mystery Island pageant this year."

Tomas passed his hand against Madi's forehead, brushing back her damp, sticking curls. "I brought coconut water. You should have some. It's the best thing to rehydrate you." He busied himself pouring the water out of the nut into a cup for her to manage more easily; it was chilled down, courtesy Emre's ice and Tomas' lingering sleety air attunement. Much nicer that way, and easier for her to swallow.

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi both felt better and not at the same time, so to hear that she looked better was-- yeah, that sounded strange, but Tomas quickly corrected himself. "Damn it, that was my dream all along. How will I-- you know, go on now, knowing I don't have a chance to compete this time?" at least her tired voice was just perfect for this deadpan delivery for the joke. And that did make her feel a bit better, waking up to Tomas joking with her.

She struggled, but after a bit she did manage to push herself up onto a sitting position. Her entire body felt like a bulldozer went through it, but hey, that was to be expected, right? She hoped so. "Hey," she finally greeted him and took the coconut water, "Thanks." She took a couple of sips, didn't dare take more before she knew how her stomach would handle it. "How-- how long have you been here? Hope you didn't have to wait too long while I slept."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

"Don't fuss," Tomas said, grumpily, when she started in with hoping he hadn't been there too long. "It's my time to spend however I damn well want. The doc was very delicate with giving me an update, by the way. I guess he's still going by doctor-patient confidentiality rules." Tomas gave Madi a tired, soft smile; an unusual expression for him, really.  "But we know better, don't we." He reached over, putting his hand around hers on the cup. "My poor girl. Been through the fuckin' wringer."

Tomas let his hand linger there for a moment before drawing in a breath and looking around, pointing at a covered plate. "Brown sugar arepas, and fried plantain, for when you need to eat something," he said, more briskly. "Easy to eat, sugar and salt, which you need. Were you hallucinating? Did you have any seizures? I'll bring you more food when you need it, we can build you back up depending on how much you can manage, but you should be able to keep it down if you're slow and steady."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi just nodded at Tomas insisting that he wanted to spend his time as he pleased, and when he put his hands around her hands, she looked down for a long moment and then back to Tomas' face. "Your poor girl?"

Why didn't she say how she felt for so long, Alex asked. She was the dick for just expecting and assuming how others felt and now here she was needing the reassurance. And she did need the reassurance, but at least she'd say it now. "I wasn't-- wasn't sure for a while. I know you tried to help now, but before... I just thought that wasn't the case, I'm sorry."

She took a couple of more sips from the coconut water as Tomas talked about what else he brought. "I-- am not actually sure." Did she hallucinate, have seizures? She couldn't really remember much but then-- "I think so, yeah. Unless you're gonna tell me that my dad showed up here and tended to me while I was-- during it." And then she added, "thank you, for everything you brought and coming in general. Helping."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

For a moment, Tomas thought Madi's repeating his words was her objecting to the familiarity, and he was hanging on to see if he needed to walk that back when she went on to say that she hadn't been sure. If that was how he thought about her. "Madison," he said, as she sipped the coconut water and then thanked him, "I've always cared about you. From the very start. With everything that you brought to my farm, all of your -- your enthusiasm, and your dedication, and ..."

He stopped there, giving her a considering look. "You wanna know a secret?" Tomas said. "Emre's not my problem child. You are."

Leaving it there would only make her anxious, so he didn't pause before explaining: "I know him. I understand how he works, mostly, or at least in relation to me and our farm. When he fucks up or we disagree I get it, the fundamental elements of it. But you, sweetheart..." Tomas shook his head, that smile reappearing. "You turn me upside down, sometimes. You I don't get, even though we're probably more alike than Emre is to either of us. Who knows, maybe that's exactly why. But the ways you react to things, your personal moral code, I have to work at grasping how you see the world. And I haven't always been very kind about it."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Everything Tomas was telling her felt like a rollercoaster ride - up and then down and then up. For a second, when he called her the problem child, Madi's stomach dropped, but then Tomas was quick to explain and it made more sense afterward, and definitely less scary, less negative. She didn't feel like she fully grasped it, but it also made sense.

"I-- I didn't think there was a problem child," was the first thing that came out of her, mostly because she didn't even know what to say to any of what Tomas just confessed. "Sorry, that isn't-- doesn't matter. I never thought anything about me was that complicated. Or I guess maybe that's why. I-- I'd like it if you understood me. If you wanted to. Even if it comes with unkind words sometimes, I can handle it. I know the precedent doesn't show that, but I-- I want to get better. About a lot of things."

She remained silent for a few moments, gently tapping at the cup with her fingertips, before she said, "I think I really want you to see me good, worthy. I-- I cannot really explain how, but I feel like in this regard, you are different from the others. You are just-- you are so effortlessly careless and helpful and kind while also sticking to your own sense of moral, and I just-- I really, really want you to think of me the best possible way you could, and when we didn't agree and argued, I automatically jumped to the other side, assuming the worst. No, not assuming, fearing it. I just didn't want you to think less of me, and I thought you did, so-- I'm sorry."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Tomas rumbled a little when Madi said that she hadn't known about the way he saw them, but ultimately he didn't protest. Because what she was telling him was more important, and he nodded, saying, "I'm not all-knowing, Madi. I stumble too, when it comes to people whose ideas don't jive with mine in a way I'm comfortable I can understand -- but I want that. To work through this and start to recognize your patterns. Your -- bee-flight."

She lapsed into a silence, and Tomas got up and moved around for a few moments, tidying things pointlessly before drifting back to take his seat again as Madi continued. "I already see you as good, and worthy," Tomas protested, "but I can see how you wouldn't think so, or at least weren't convinced. I think our languages are different. So maybe I need to stress the positive with you some more. So you feel better about helping me see your point of view, and you feel less stressed when it comes to explaining things to me." He crinkled his nose. "Even if I'm a bear about it. Now you know that it doesn't mean I think less of you."

Picking up one of the soft cloths he'd brought, Tomas dipped it in a bowl of cool liquid and took Madi's free hand, wiping at the inside of her forearm with it. "Water with bay leaves and lime," he explained. "My mom used to like this. When she was sick. It kept her cool and the scent freshened things up a bit."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

"I know that, nobody is. I just-- I guess sometimes it's harder to notice those stumbles with certain people. Or maybe I didn't want to notice, I don't know anymore. But i'm trying-- well, saying I am trying to actively see the negatives feels weird, but I just-- I'm trying in general, I guess." Madi wanted to change her outlook on many things - be a bit more open, not shut herself off from people. It was plenty of steps too many on that regard, and it started with not doing that to those she was already close with.

"You're not a bear, I just-- it started when Emre-- when Suresh happened. We clashed and things... were said, and afterward I just-- I avoided you and then when we did speak, I just couldn't hear things anymore, or only as I wanted to." She needed a lot of time to think through this, pick apart interactions not with just Tomas, but with other people too, and realize all the ways she's been wrong.

Tomas started wiping at her forearm and she let out a long sigh of relief - it did feel good. "This is good.  Speaking of-- you told me so much personal things. About your mom, about you. And I just brushed them off. I am sorry. I should have seen it as you trying to reach, out, trying to help, instead of-- everything."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Now it was Tomas' turn to be quiet for a while, as he kept soothing Madi's arm and then gestured for her to switch hands with the cup and give him the other arm. "Drink a little more," he said, and then more awkwardly in response to her apology, "It's fine."

But Tomas stopped, holding the cool, damp cloth in the crook of Madi's elbow. "No," he said, sounding a little peeved with himself, "actually, it's not. I'm not saying that to be mad at you, I understand why in the state you were in, you couldn't exactly extend any empathy, but -- it's not fine. It's not easy for me to tell people anything about myself, especially my childhood or ... being abused, or my mom being an alcoholic, or how she died. How ugly all of it was. And I need to break my own fear that nobody thinks these things that happened to me were important."

He blew a breath through his teeth, patting the cloth against Madi's arm and then dipping it in the bowl again, sitting closer to press it against her temples in turn. "There you go," Tomas said wryly, wiping her forehead. "I'm all messy and listening to bad internal messages too. So we better both start arguing down those shitty thoughts, huh."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Madi took a couple of more sips and listened - it would have been so much easier if Tomas would have kept it all at "it's fine", but this was better, this was more honest and they needed that. Even if it was harder this way. "I really am sorry, both for how I reacted and that all of it had to happen to you and you had to experience that. I don't want to-- I don't want this to be the reason why in the future you'd decide not to share with me, either about this, or about anything else."

She leaned into his hand a bit as he pressed the cloth against her temple, closing her eyes and breathing in deeply. "Yeah, we better start. We can-- you know, help each other. If we see the other doing their thing, we can have some kind of secret code or something, just a little check in that nobody else would understand but the two of us? Something like, I don't know, the papayas are not ripe enough or something. Some farm talk so people wouldn't question it either."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Tomas snorted at Madi's proposed code, saying, "No, no, that's got too high a probability of somebody asking follow-up questions or giving us advice on how to force-ripen a papaya. Did I tell you when I was a kid what we called them was pawpaws? Saying papaya feels weird to me. But there's a fruit that grows in Kentucky that's also called a pawpaw. I suppose if you know them both it would get confusing."

This wasn't much of a pressing concern and Tomas knew it, but it felt good to ramble on about nonsense for a minute while he recalibrated. "I'll buzz you," he decided. "And you buzz me. That's all, bzzt. Short and sweet and people will just think we like imitating bees. Or buzzers."

He replayed that in his head and took her hand, guiding the cup to his own mouth for a sip of the coconut water. "Could be I'm a little dehydrated myself," Tomas huffed, letting her have it back. He wiped his face with the saturated cloth before dropping it into the bowl and leaning forward, elbows on his knees, one hand against Madi's thigh. "I'm glad to see you getting on top of this thing, peach," he said. "It hasn't felt right. You and Emre both unbalanced and out-of-sorts. I want us -- I want us all to heal."

— ✿ ❀ ✿ —

Pawpaws and papayas - something Madi never would have guessed they would talk about during the conversation, but it felt like a nice little respite, and when he gave her his idea, she let out a small, tired chuckle. "Bzzt. Yeah, I can work with that. That could be easy."

She gave him a smile, nodded. "I want us to heal too. I want us to be able to go back to-- well, maybe going back to how things were isn't going to be possible, not after everything, but maybe something similar. Or something better even, if it's possible." She hoped it would be - she would work as much as she possibly  could to have it back.