#negative warning

today me and my sister went to talk to the funeral director and it made it all too real. then me and my sister went through pictures of our mom and im just..still not going to be back.

the funeral is on sunday so im hoping that i’ll be back by next week.

until then, if you want to add me on discord

{ suddenly feeling very introspective right now; i'm not sure if this qualifies as "negative" when i'm more trying to discuss an observation i've made about myself being in this space, but just in case, there's that warning.

as much as i've been digging tumblr rp so far, i admit one of my least favorite parts of it is how... by the nature of our writing being public, it have a certain way of skewing your partners' view of your activity and interest, and vice versa.

it can be easy to fall into the very false yet very painful notion that, certain partners responding to others more frequently — or maybe more promptly — than they do you, means that said partners don't "value" you as much— that there may be something lacking with your writing and/or your portrayal that make you less desirable, that perhaps people are just... continuing to write with you out of pity or novelty.

when of course, the likelihood of the above being true is (or should be) pretty small! you don't write with partners whom you don't actually want to write with. sure, you may have partners whose writing styles or portrayals you personally click with more, and there are certain plots and muses that have more of your attention; that's completely reasonable and valid! but, again, at the end of the day, you don't write with anyone whom you don't truly want to write with, period— so why are your partners here, if they genuinely didn't want to write with you?

conversely, if there are threads or dynamics that you are more excited about than others at the moment, you could be prone to either feeling guilty for jumping to them first where your other partners can see you do so, or feeling pressured to get to everything in a way that appears as if you're not favoring certain partners/threads/muses over the others. both of these are just... exhausting to grapple with.

despite the fact that this is a hobby, and the whole point is for you to enjoy yourself. you're allowed to have your preferences, and you're not just allowed to make the most of your experience, but supposed to. any decent partner will be understanding, and will also likely have things they're more excited about at the moment.

it can also be frighteningly easy to forget that roleplaying itself is just a hobby and far from a priority compared to many, many other things, especially the more time and effort you've invested into it: your portrayal, communicating with your partners, the plots and dynamics you've developed with them, and so on. and i feel like this deep emotional investment can, at times, exacerbate the self-disparaging sentiments i've mentioned above.