#negative post.

i wish i could Feel Something strongly about Anything. at any time, not specifically just christmas. it's getting old. and half of it is things i can't do anything about currently- financial barriers, family dysfunction, the sort of loneliness that happens when you and all your peers work a 9-5 and half of them have kids, feeling stunted in my adulthood... but i couldn't tell you if the other half is there being something wrong with my brain chemistry or not. i'm just plodding along going through the motions, but i go through them. would it miraculously be different if most of my problems resolved themselves? i go through the effort of, like, going out or decorating or planning or getting festive, drawing, working on a hobby, getting dinner with a friend... i buy things hoping they will trigger some kind of motivation in me to use them... and then i don't. i can't remember the last time i got excited about anything. am i depressed for real, or does being an adult just suck? i couldn't tell you what would make it better, what would make me happier. everything i think i want, whatever goalpost i set- getting a car, getting a 'better'/'real' job, changing a fucked up living situation, to incrementally move myself closer to theoretical independence.... it doesn't make things better in the long run, just different. i can't tell people what things i like or what i do for fun, or, i do and it's like... but you don't really do any of those things? yeah. like in theory, i enjoy these things i guess. i don't feel like i have an identity. i just exist and it feels very hollow. like we have moved on from imposter syndrome to identifying with the Void. not just a fake furry or a fake artist but like a very cliche metaphor about being a shell of a person. where is my substance, or conviction, or joy. people think i'm boring and they're right.