#negative content

At the time it was quite popular still so there was no shortage of players in our server. I was excited to play it for the first time.

I had gotten to know the server a little and the people there and they seemed chill. I told them about how I had a terrible time of directions. Like no joke. Very real talk. My sense of direction is very bad unless I have something to guide me, unless I learned the route. It is actually quite detrimental IRL how bad my sense of direction is I am rarely without Google maps and even then I have gotten supremely lost anyways.

So to not put my team at disadvantage, I printed out the maps to help me navigate more. I told the others.

They praised me as clever. I hoped to have fun with my map aides.

It is the date of the first time I would ever play with them.

The first thing that went wrong was the one who hosted decided to do it with mods so I had terrible trouble. He last minute decided he wanted to do this. Everyone played without me while I spent ages alone trying to figure it out. Nobody helped me. We ended up with the vanilla game so I could be included.

When I was able to play, all excited and joyful, looking at my partner who was at his own computer with excitement....and the map is flipped. He had not flipped the map before. My partner told me so. All other games had been played with the nap normally. I was crushed because I had spent so much time trying to memorize where everything was. So I wouldn't be a burden and could actually enjoy the game.

When asked, the host refused to flip it back for future games. And during those games I lagged behind. I was of no use because I had no idea where I was going.

Worse yet I was always killed first. Always. Like I was being targeted.

It made me so sad. At the time I apologized for being so bad at the game but looking back on it, I was most likely being bullied. I told them about how much trouble I had. With everything. And at every turn I was just....not having fun..at all.

Because they weaponized my flaws against me.

It was a very lonely feeling, basically bei g targeted.

This is but one of many incidents that made me not want to engage with others anymore. Nowadays I am doing better, but that scar remains.

All I wanted to do was have fun.

I turned another year older and I just keep getting disappointed? Sometimes I wonder if maybe I bother people and that's why maybe people keep their distance or make fun of me when I'm not looking.

Maybe I'm an idiot.

But I wanted to try and reach out again.

It's been doing better. I'm going through it slowly. I hope it will get better.

Sorry if the formatting is weird, I'm on mobile.

But basically, my mental health has been deteriorating a bit, which I usually know how to handle on top of my responsibilities.

But something really major happened today and I'm not sure if I can focus on much other than doing the bare minimum.

I need some time to process a loss and a little bit to focus on taking care of myself.

There's not a lot in the inbox, so I'm not too worried. I just feel like if I were to do requests now, they wouldn't have any motivation behind them other than the motivation to get it out to the person who requested it.

Anyways, I'm fairly hardy and will probably just need a week or two in order to get things back on track. I just really got blindsided by today and it's knocked me a bit off course.