#negative ---

I know how you feel. I lost my grandfather February of this year and there's been a lot of hard firsts since then. It's normal to miss him, not want to feel it, all of that. I won't lie it's not going to be easy, but something that's been helping me is to allocate a bit of time before each 'first' to think about him and let myself miss him, and end it with the thought that he'd want me to enjoy it, even if he's not there anymore. i send my condolences and hope you get to happier times.