#negagive

I said 'yes' to something on Monday that I really wanted to do to help people out, but I did not have enough experience and mindfulness to recognize that I would be physically(and mentally) unable to do that this morning. I didnt have enough forsight to realize how exhausting Tuesday would be.

And its terrible.

I always try to push past my limitations, and my unrealistic standards and hopeful mindset towards myself makes it a very difficult judge of what I can and can't do unless I've experienced this situation before. Most of the time I have to make these mistakes and really take them in like I am doing now in order to not make them again. I am not trying to fuck up, and set myself up for failure. I just want to help people and do my best. My judgement is just super off 'cause I am insane. But I am always trying to adjust it too.

This has certainly been a big point of tension between us.

I am a child. I have always parented myself and never faced deep challenges that would push me to grow up in this way. That would push me to scale back my ideologies and become more realistic. I've faced a lot of those opportunities over the last three years and its been difficult to adjust especially since I was succeeding at everything at first. Now that I am further away from all those mistakes, its much easier to reflect back and see the whole picture, look at the aggregate of the events and adjust myself now. Its a pretty big lag, and I have made a lot of irreversible errors because of it, but it is what it is.