It's been so long since I've written something that I feel like I don't know how to write anymore. It kinda makes me sad to think about and makes this heaviness in my chest worse. I feel like I'm losing everything lately: my faith in myself to make good decisions, my flexibility, my sanity, my ability to feel, and most unfortunately, the one I love the most. I'm not sure if it's my winter depression or if it's just that I've subconsciously given up on my self. I just feel like no matter what I do, it's not good enough. I can try as much as I want but it just never feels like enough. And to be told to try more or straight up told that it's not enough? Is just so disheartening. I always try to better myself, sometimes I change to please other people. I only do this because if who I am is good enough like they say it is, then why am I being asked why I am certain ways? I change because I just want someone to stay.. hell if I could leave myself, I would in a heartbeat. I feel like I'm always caught in my own mind and when reflecting on myself, I feel like I'm disappointed because who I was would hate who I am. And then it turns into the elaborate maze where I try different paths to find exactly who I want to be. But the result is the same as before. I hit a dead end, I see where my path has taken me and I want to go back to who I was before. Nothing ever feels right, ever. And when it does, it just hurts someone I love. Sometimes I believe I'm better off alone. And sometimes I feel like I'm not in a state where I deserve friends or relationships. I feel like everyone else would be better off without me. The people in my life would no longer have to worry about the girl who only does harm to herself and to those she says she loves. I can't help but feel like I'm just a chapter in their life story and that it should come to a close. With how numb I'm feeling, them cutting me off now would be the best time I feel like. In a way, this would be my new path, reconstructing a new life, a new me. I can't help but desire a clean slate. A way for me to start over, a way for me to try and do things right.
