Jul 3, 2018
I am nearly at my limit.
So almost done, times when the age gap is SO apparent.
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I am nearly at my limit.
So almost done, times when the age gap is SO apparent.
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I came on terms with the fact that I won’t be happy until I somehow fix myself, my issues more specifically. I’m not capable of keeping meaningful relationships with the ones that I care about, which explains why people constantly leave. I push them away because my mind just can’t process the fact that they actually enjoy my presence, that they actually care about me. I’ve noticed that I only start believing that they do once they leave and that utterly fucks me up. I realize that I fucked up by being arrogant the whole time that they were still around. I blame that on the people that were once in my life who said that they’d never leave and they did shortly after. I can’t take anybody seriously because of that. I’ve had two people that I care about deeply leave my life this past month, one being completely my fault and the other them being inconsiderate and pathetic. Both fucked me up just about the same. That leads to having major self consciousness and reassurance problems. You could write me a full novel saying how much I mean to you, but I’d still have to question you because like I’ve said, my mind can’t process such things. I need constant reassurance that you still want me in your life because I’d think otherwise. I can’t help but feel annoying and clingy, which makes me distant. Another big issue I find in me is that I can’t show anybody how much I actually care about them. it doesn’t matter how much I love and care about the person, I can’t seem to show it. I look back and I start thinking of things that I could have done differently that maybe wouldn’t result of losing that person. I start thinking of the things that I should have said and how I should have behaved. I start thinking of how genuine and real they were with me, how they trusted me, but I couldn’t do that in return and that’s something that I wish I could back to and change. I don’t intend to be this way. I’m so fucking tired of going through the same thing, I always hope that the next time would be different, I always think that ive learned from my mistakes that ive done in the past and I think that id able to prevent them from happening again in the future, but that’s never how it turns out to be. Quite frankly, I’m losing all hope in a fairly fast phase. I’m completely alone, I have people that surround me on the daily basis but I don’t actually have anybody and I can’t blame anybody but myself. I don’t know why I still bother because it just fucks me up more at the end. Sometimes I just really fucking hate myself.
Personal post - my apologies.
Trying to process a break-up after a serious relationship has brought up my entire scale of emotions. I think the hardest part right now is grieving the loss of not only a girlfriend, but also a best friend. It’s like one person left my life and two huge roles that I relied on have been left empty. There are so many shows I won’t be able to watch, songs I won’t be able to listen to, even foods I won’t eat and places I won’t go, for quite awhile. She really touched every corner of my life and I miss her. It's hard to imagine myself loving anyone else right now, or seeing her with anyone else, but I know I'll get there in time. We both deserve to be truly happy. So I'm trying to stay positive. It’s only Day 2 since we broke up, and I’m proud of myself for how I’ve been so far. I know this will be best for both of us, that we were meant to meet, we gave what we gave, and we are supposed to go our separate ways. I’m trying to focus my mind, body, and spirit elsewhere, like school, exercise, and meditation. I’m trying to view this as an opportunity for growth, a chance for me to take everything I’ve learned about life and love over the last two years and let that turn me into a better person in the future. A better partner. And I want to be better individually. I want to use this time to learn to love myself before anyone else. I have a lot of positive outlooks for this healing process and my future, and I’m trying to embrace the beauty in the pain of it all. I just need to be patient with my heart in the meantime. I’ve had so many thoughts about the relationship, and I’ve been trying to recognize them to help find closure. But I just hope she knows I wouldn’t change anything about what we had together. I hope she knows I'm not mad. Every moment was perfect, and she has helped me in ways I will never be able to describe or thank her for. I would love to be a part of her life again someday, so I hope we can meet up down the road and be friends. I sincerely hope she finds happiness, in herself and in whoever she ends up with. They’ll be lucky and I hope they know that every second of every day. Thanks for the best two years, P.
I’m pretty sure that no one will ever read this but if someone does.. DON’T support obeythekorean. Not only do they steal people’s work but they make tons of profit off of it as well. The cases may seem nice but please don’t buy from them. Seriously. (and I freaking do not care if it apparently happened “months ago”)
People keep putting up stuff like 'oh they better be loyal' Then they are the ones who cheat. 'they betta treat me like a Queen/King and they'll be my Queen/King' They treat the other like rubbish It's like, do you not know what a relationship is? It's where you both treat each other well, love them and treat them as well as you want to be. I have a feeling that relationships haven't become what they were. They have become a dream instead of reality and that's NOT the way it should be. Before you start posting stuff like that, think about what you do and what you have done. I'm not saying for all but I'm kinda sick of it.
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Boy do I wish I had parents that didn't talk shit on the person I'm dating Boy do I wish I didn't have a shitty job Boy do I wish I wasn't almost failing my trade school Boy do I wish my boyfriend talked to me like ever Boy do I wish my friends gave a fuck about me Boy do I wish I could fall asleep tonight and not wake up for a month.
I'm not going to apologize or feel like I'm wrong for deciding to dedicate the rest of my life to someone. People do that everyday with people they love. I mean that's the point right, that you love them? So why does that mean I have to be dating, fucking, or whatever with someone to feel that way? What, I have to have some glorified title to want to be there for someone I truly care about? I'm done with all this shit, I am. This is my life and I'm choosing to live it how I see fit. All the years and all the times I listened to others beside my own heart. Not anymore, not when it comes to her, and never again.
Since I can remember I've absolutely detested my appearance, decided today to genuinely start saving up for the surgery I want. Everyone I've spoken to about it have said not to be so stupid and that im suffering from body dysmorphic disorder but I'm not being stupid, I feel like just dying into a ball whenever I look in the mirror, genuinely disgusted in my appearance and want something done about it.